Relationship or Baby

[MarimarD]

First time poster. Long time lurker. 43 years old.

I have a dilemma that’s eating me up.

I’m in a relationship the last three years with a wonderful man. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. We love each other deeply and treat each other with respect, have a great sex life and a deep emotional connection.

My partner is divorced and has three children, the youngest is 9. They’re lovely kids. He has been clear from date 1 that he didn’t want more children . I thought I was OK with it as we met when I was 40 and I thought that ship had sailed anyway. I never had a burning desire to have children but kind of thought it would just happen some day.

However I’ve had some real moments of deep sadness over the past couple of years and the most recent bout has lasted longer and I’m afraid I’m going to deeply regret not having my own children. I’m considering going it alone and doing IVF which will mean the end of my relationship. My heart is breaking over it and I’m breaking his heart too. But I’m so afraid I’ll resent him and regret it if I stay.

Am I being unreasonable to leave this wonderful relationship to try and have a child when I know the chance is only 20/25% at best?

At 43 20/25% is very generous, you're looking at more 5% I think, unless you have tens of thousands of pounds to keep chucking at round after round, but even that probably only buys you marginally better odds. Donor egg/embryo would make your chances better but this needs a lot of thought.

It depends really on how accepting you'd be of the outcome of no relationship and no child, which is probably the most likely scenario to unfold. If you're comfortable with that and still think it's worth the risk then you've got your answer. If you're not, I'd stick with what you've got and have some therapy to support you through the adjustment of not having a biological child.

It would be a different situation if at 43 you were unexpectedly pregnant. However realistically, you'd need to split now, get over that, go through treatment a few times. You could be 45/6/7 before you got pregnant which seems very low chance. Then you'll be alone with a child to raise at that age. Are you prepared to sole parent a child with SEN or severe disability? That's a big thing to consider, imo , at this age.

Good luck

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5270881-is-45-too-old-to-have-a-baby?page=2&reply=142031071

You may find this thread useful (are you the same poster?)

I am a GM of a DGD of 13. I am in my late 50s. A significant number of my DGDs friends mums are in their early to mid 50s. Throughout my DGDs primary school and now secondary school, which I have been very involved with (school run, due to both parents working), quite a number of mothers at the school gate are closer to my age than my DDs. Things have changed, younger women are choosing not to have children and women are choosing to have children when they are older. I also think that women are looking after themselves better and as a result some women do have modern day attitudes about lifestyle and health. My point is why not go for it if you really want to! Only you can decide about the relationship. Since I had my own DD, I have had 2 meaningful relationships after her father. I am now happily married but I have always had my lovely DD in my life.

In your position I would get fertility tests done and see what a clinic says your chances are. Then you'll be better equipped to make your decision.

Only you can know if not trying is a deal-breaker or not for you. Best of luck with whatever you choose.

There is a very real risk you will end up alone with no baby.
It is also possible you will be a single parent to a child with significant SEND, the risk goes up for older mothers.
You could consider counselling?

Fgs you have three children in your life op, treasure them

Alone and no baby. Together but no baby.

Which one feels best op?

Even if you get the baby, 18 years and then your either alone again or likely find another man who doesn’t compare to the great one you left to chase a baby.

I really feel for you OP.

At 43, you’re chance of a successfully pregnancy is likely to be around 3-5%, unless you’ve a family history if excellent fertility

I agree with others that you should both check out your fertility and also have some therapy. It will help you make peace with whatever choice you come to.

it may also be worth one final discussion with your partner.

I'm an optimist, but there are a number of factors here that make me say no - don't do it!

Going by the odds, the chances of you ending up with a straight forward, easy conception process, and a 'good' parenting experience are, realistically, pretty slim. Miscarriage, infertility, loneliness, a child with long term health issues, financial vulnerability in raising a child alone, potentially being forced to delay retirement... there are so many ways you could end up seriously regretting the decision to go this road.

Plus, just three years ago you were happy to never have children. IME, perimenopause hormones can seriously mess with our heads... and having a child just in case of the fear of regret later is not a good enough reason to ruin your otherwise lovely life.

If your circumstances were different - if you were single, and had always been desperate for children - in other words, if you had nothing to lose - then I would say go for it. But in your circumstances I think you would stand to lose too much. I say try to get through this short phase of longing and then enjoy the rest of your life.

This is tricky because involuntary childlessness is one thing... but IC when you didn't have a chance to even try is another (and the resentment may impact your relationship). I'm happily married and DH has two children from previous relationship. We are not having children which was a joint decision - I do sometimes worry about waking up one day and regretting it (I am entering my late 30s) but I could regret a lot of things and either way my life will be meaningful. I have a career I love, lovely DSC, a DH I adore (we have a great relationship), I have interests etc... my life is full and I am happy. Step kids will be off to uni etc and we will be in our mid 40s and the world will be our oyster. I would not trade that. It's quite a lot to leave a great life to pursue something that may never happen and could be irresponsible in terms of knowingly having a child as a lone, older parent IF you do not have the financial means to support them/something in place if you fell ill etc. If you got pregnant at 45, you'd be in your 63 when they finish secondary school - also something to consider. This is a bit of a ramble but just putting my thoughts down.

Would your relationship be strong enough to tolerate you trying for an IVF baby and only leaving if you have a successful pregancy?

I think YABU, sorry.

You shouldn’t have got into a relationship with this man if you knew he wouldn’t want kids and that you weren’t sure.

If you leave him, it’s not just him but his kids you’ve messed around.

If you don’t get pregnant, then what?

If you do get pregnant, you’ll be on your own and it’s physically tough to have a baby at an older age. I vote to stay put and enjoy your stepkids.

Gosh it’s a difficult decision as your DP sounds like a keeper, however if this is something you’d deeply regret then your relationship may not work anyway as you would become resentful.

The chances at that age are slimmer and IVF is a gruelling process and emotional rollercoaster , but if it’s what you want then I wouldn’t let you put it off.

My last round of IVF I was 36 and whilst I had 16 eggs only 2 fertilised … I was lucky to end up with my youngest DS.

If my fertility was better I would probably go again on my own (I’m now 44)

If you’d consider donor eggs your chances would be increased.

I think your DP needs to understand that he’s already had children, and whilst I get why he doesn’t want more it shouldn’t just have to be you that makes compromises.

Good luck xx

Thanks for all your responses.

To answer some questions:

He won’t change it mind. We’ve talked about it all at length. I do understand, but I worry if I would resent him later if I don’t have/try to have my own child.

We’ve discussed staying together through IVF and see what happens as that chances are so low but I really don’t think I could put him through that. It’s so unfair.

Ive had fertility tests done. My AMH is 8.9 which is slightly higher (very slightly) than other women my age. The doctor in one clinic I talked to said the chances of IVF working would be 10-15% but up to 50% if I get the embryos (if there are any) PGT-A tested.

Financially I’m OK. I have a great job with generous benefits and I would have my family around, at least for the first year. I’m not rich by any means and I don’t have unlimited funds. I probably have enough for two cycles max.

I wouldn’t consider donor egg. Just not for me.

I would rather be with him and no baby than alone and no baby. The thought of going through IVF alone and all that entails, bodily changes, effects on mental health and then ending up with no child is awful. But if I knew for a fact it would be successful I would do it as I feel I do really want to be a mum.

At the same time I wouldn’t want to alone forever even as a single mum, I would want to meet someone eventually. And I don’t think anyone will ever be as good a man as my current partner.

Really appreciating all your comments and opinions.

I really think you have left this too late now. It’s one thing to have a child in your mid forties, but it’s a whole other thing to become a single parent in your mid-forties, throwing over a really good, loving relationship to do so. Going through IVF on your own, dealing with a newborn alone, parenting a teenager alone. It will be exhausting. How will you work? Can you afford it? Are you fit and healthy? What happens when menopause kicks you under a bus while you have a very active pre-schooler? I do not think this is the time to start feeling broody.

It is fine not to have children. Really fine.I would not even contemplate throwing away what you have now on the slim chance there might be a baby one day.

43 is far too old . Your going to chuck away a nice relationship for something that probably won’t happen at your age - madness

I think intentionally bringing a child into the world without a father (or at least another parent) is insanely selfish tbh.

Can you try therapy? Really spend some time talking it all through.
Based on my own experience I have a very strong opinion here, but that doesn't mean my opinion would be right for you. A therapist could really help you explore all angles. Don't rush into anything either way. Good luck!

I am 11 years older than you with a 20 year old child. I wish I'd had my DD earlier. Friends who did are able to start making retirement plans whilst I still have uni fees and my mortgage. The poster who asked what is best for the (possible) baby asked the correct question. Is what you want a good thing for that child? Being 60 with a young teenage child could be very difficult. And very expensive. You will not always be able to work at the pace you do now. You would probably be sacrificing your retirement. I would think very very hard about doing this.

I would definitely count your current blessings. There is a definite risk of no baby, no lovely partner with ready made family you are part of, or a baby with significant health issues and you having to be their carer for the rest of your life. Not to mention being an elderly parent unable to retire.

"At the same time I wouldn’t want to alone forever even as a single mum, I would want to meet someone eventually."

You do know how hard it is to find a half decent man in your 40's'/50's don't you? Well multiply that by 100 when you're a single parent. Even if you met a decent bloke you've got to put your child's needs first, eg will he make a good co-parent, does your child even like him. Your life and decisions are no longer 100% yours anymore once you're a parent OP.

This is asking a lot of this man. Imagine having to comfort her through failed IVF attempts, having her heartbroken it didn’t take while knowing if it DID take it would be the end of them. Not fair to ask this of him at all. You can’t have it both ways.

Do you really want a child? I don't think that anyone who does gets to the age of 43 and suddenly decides they do. Not having the opportunity or not meeting the right person etc is different but I don't think you really do if you've had more than 20 years of fertility and never bothered. It's fomo I think and a bit of a mid life crisis which is common.

I wouldn't trust a clinic giving you that advice and those stats with a barge pole. PGTA testing is not recommended other than in the eventuality of recurrent miscarriage. Transferring tested euploid embryos has not been shown to give you any better success rate in terms of live birth and there is a fair amount of concern amongst some in the industry it's widespread use is resulting in a lot of unnecessary embryo wastage. Robert Winston and his website the Genesis Research Trust, alongside the HFEA site, are reputable sources of evidence based information.

I would make this decision on the assumption you are choosing between a life with him and no biological child vs. life alone, likely with no biological child, but with a chance to have a go at having one. Financially you could be looking at a £50k plus bill in no time at all, it is very easy to underestimate how quickly costs can spiral.