Relationship or Baby

[MarimarD]

First time poster. Long time lurker. 43 years old.

I have a dilemma that’s eating me up.

I’m in a relationship the last three years with a wonderful man. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. We love each other deeply and treat each other with respect, have a great sex life and a deep emotional connection.

My partner is divorced and has three children, the youngest is 9. They’re lovely kids. He has been clear from date 1 that he didn’t want more children . I thought I was OK with it as we met when I was 40 and I thought that ship had sailed anyway. I never had a burning desire to have children but kind of thought it would just happen some day.

However I’ve had some real moments of deep sadness over the past couple of years and the most recent bout has lasted longer and I’m afraid I’m going to deeply regret not having my own children. I’m considering going it alone and doing IVF which will mean the end of my relationship. My heart is breaking over it and I’m breaking his heart too. But I’m so afraid I’ll resent him and regret it if I stay.

Am I being unreasonable to leave this wonderful relationship to try and have a child when I know the chance is only 20/25% at best?

I have 2 children, but I found trying to have a baby in my 40s really difficult, and I am sure I am not alone with this. After 2 healthy pregnancies in my mid/late 30s, for me it just wasn't possible to sustain a healthy pregnancy the minute I turned 40. I had several miscarriages in the 6-10 week timeframe between the ages of 40 and 43, then nothing until at 45 I found myself pregnant again, but I got to the 12 week scan and results gave me a >50% chance of baby having down syndrome, which was subsequently confirmed by CVS, and I chose to have a termination. We didn't try IVF admittedly. Whilst there are positive stories of people having babies in their mid-40s and I really hope you get what want if you go down this route, I just wanted to give an honest account of my own experience whilst you way up the decision.

I think at 43 the ship has sailed.

Of course there are fertility doctors who will quote success rates and sell you treatment. BUT they are salesmen who make their money by selling hope.

HFEA quotes a 6% pregnancy rate for embryos transferred for women aged 43 or older. And remember IVF doesn't always produce suitable embryos.

But don't you agree that if, for a sake of example, the couple/woman know that they have a very high probability of having a child with disability it wouldn't be faire on the future child to still actively conceive them and give birth, saying "I don't care and would love the child all the same".

Yes I agree.

@AlertCat Because let’s be real: nobody who is imagining themselves as a parent is picturing themselves parenting a child- or an adult- with severe and lifelong additional needs.
Fantasise is the wrong word there, but when deciding to have children, I did think long and hard about if I was prepared to be a parent to a child with disabilities.
A close relative had a baby as a single mother, and despite never having complained it's been quite tough for them.

The mother had her baby in her mid-20s and it was not something at the time that could have been tested for before birth.

Relevance?

Also it’s really not a question that can be answered in general is it?

Not least it would entirely depend on the nature of the disability wouldn’t it?
You do realise there are all kinds of disabilities and they affect people in all kinds of different ways, right?
And that disability is also a function of the social/ physical environment into which a person is born?

Secondly, how does one start weighing the question of whether it’s more “fair” for a person to exist in certain circumstances or to never exist at all? The question barely makes sense, let alone has an easily accessible answer. I’m not god and neither are you.

Most importantly none of this is relevant to my objections to the harmful and ignorant comments that people made on this thread, implying that children born with disabilities are less valuable and less worth the sacrifice than non-disabled children, and that their very existence is regrettable.

@Lostcat , i don't think they are less valuable, but if one is looking at having a baby, and there is an increased risk of disability, there are considerations to factor in.

If the mother becomes a full-time carer for her child, what happens when the mother is no longer capable of doing the caring? Does anyone imagine being a frail woman in her 80s looking after an adult child (in his or her 40s or older)?
What happens when the mother dies?

I can totally understand why you are torn on this. As someone who had DCs quite young these are my thoughts:

I had health complications after DC1’s birth which gave left me low on energy and with pain, depression etc. Obviously the fact I went on to have more DCs it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but consider the physical toll pregnancy, birth and the possible after effects could have on your ability to solo parent. I had XH around but he wasn’t hugely helpful. But I’d have really struggled alone.

As you approach menopause and your oestrogen levels drop you can lose those nurturing feelings. Whether its because for many of us we’ve already put in years of hard work, or its a completely hormone driven shift, but a lot of us find that in our 50s we just want to be left in peace! Caring for a clingy child at my stage of life sounds hellish.

Having been a single parent to older children (mine were 6,8 & 12 when I split with their dad) wasn’t actually that hard. I did get one night a week off to go out with friends or on dates and I got financial support from their dad. You sound like you’d be ok for money, so as long as you have some practical support to give you a break you'd be fine.

However, meeting a new man late 40/early 50s is going to be haaard! Dating has changed a lot lately and many of the men on apps are married, just after sex, looking for a 3rd for their ENM open relationship, just wanting to chat and/or send photos. They’re grim.

I have met many men and would honestly say if you’ve got a decent one, keep hold of him. Of course there’s nothing to say that he’ll be the one forever but a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Final thoughts FWIW, your DP needs to be 100% clear on the level of sacrifice you’re making for him. It may be that your resentment tarnishes the relationship or it may be that he realises how much you love him to have chosen this life. He needs to ask himself if he can really step up. I’d hate to imagine you choose him, only for him to waltz off with some 27 year old woman from the gym in a couple of years and have a baby with her.

To kind-of-quote Carrie from Sex and the City, as I can’t find the actual quote, you need to be clear on the answer to the hardest question a woman has to ask “will you love me enough to make up for the baby I didn’t have?”

For those saying cherish being a step mum, its nothing like the same. The closest thing I see in friends who don’t have DCs is being a dog mum tbh!! But I’d be cherishing your own life, not being a pseudo parent to someone else’s kids. Plan adventures to fill you up and nourish your soul and let you experience the world. Don’t tie yourself down to your DP’s children, all the responsibility and a fraction of the reward. Be like a lovely aunt to them, let their dad do the parenting on his time while you travel, learn, relax and make space for your own interests.

Final thoughts FWIW, your DP needs to be 100% clear on the level of sacrifice you’re making for him. It may be that your resentment tarnishes the relationship or it may be that he realises how much you love him to have chosen this life. He needs to ask himself if he can really step up. I’d hate to imagine you choose him, only for him to waltz off with some 27 year old woman from the gym in a couple of years and have a baby with her.

But OP’s partner made it abundantly clear at the outset that he didn’t want any more children and OP accepted that and they’ve had a brilliant relationship since. He’s blameless here. It’s OP’s feelings about children that have changed not his.

Of course there are all kinds of considerations when a person is thinking of having a baby, and how they would manage if their child had additional or complex needs - and the chances of that - is one.
Thats not the issue, if that’s what pp’s had written in their posts , I wouldn’t have objected.

For those saying cherish being a step mum, its nothing like the same

Agree. Of course it really depends on the circumstances of the family- in some circumstances it could be very much the same, in other circumstances it’s nothing like it at all. As a pp said, as a step mum in many cases you may just have the worst of all worlds- none of the joys of being a parent, but a partnership nonetheless constrained by children, and therefore without the benefits and joys of being childfree! I think OP should think very carefully about what their “blended family” situation looks like and how that is going to feel for her- people keep saying that the bond with her step kids will grow and even that she’ll be a grandma one day but there’s absolutely no guarantee that’s how things will work out for her family situation- very often that’s not the case at all.

@Lostcat , but this is MN where step-children should be treated as royalty,

Having IVF while in a relationship with someone who doesn't want a child seems unfair and likely to be damaging.

There is no way that this would not also impact your the children that your partner already has.

Supportive or not the reality of the situation is likely to be completely different to how you both perceive it to be now

lol that’s definitely not my experience of mumsnet!

I thought that if your DD had a child, and you had planned a birthday meal for DGD, inviting SIL,DD & DGD, you also had to invite DGD's step-siblings who you barely knew too, because their DM changed her EOW arrangement that weekend. You should pay for everyone, even if it meant you went hungry for weeks.

Go for the baby. Most relationships don't survive. But you'll always have your child (if you do conceive and chances are high you will by your tests). DON'T live with that regret. If he truly loves you he will support you through this. Choose baby! You will not regret having a baby, but you will regret not trying.

'If he truly loves you he will support you through this. Choose baby! You will not regret having a baby, but you will regret not trying'

That is really irresponsible advice

How is it irresponsible advice, @Lottapianos ? She wants a baby. Most relationships don't last, but you have your child for life. Prioritising children over a relationship is sage advice. Explain what is wrong with it?

'If he truly loves you' - no one should be emotionally blackmailed into having a baby they don't want. And plenty of people do regret having children - not saying that it would be the case for the OP, but pretending it's all sunshine and roses isn't helpful.

What absolute and utter nonsense.

Plenty of people regret having children and plenty wish they had a romantic relationship in middle age.

OP is ahead of the game right now.

I would not do this at 43. Firstly you're too old, it probably won't happen, if it does it will be high risk both to yourself and the child. It isn't just about downs syndrome. There's a high risk of the placenta breaking down, of miscarriage, of still birth, of birth injury to yourself, of haemorrhage.

Secondly it's extremely hard and lonely being the single parent of a young child. You can't go out in the evening, you spend every weekend with your child, you can't go for a run or to the gym without the logistics and expense of childcare, other parents of young kids are doing family stuff at weekends so it can be very isolating. I'm in this position and often I don't speak to another adult all weekend. My kids are great but it isn't how I would choose to spend my forties - friends with partners are still able to go out in the evening, see friends, go for a morning run etc. Youngest is 3 so I will have another 5 years at least of an extremely restricted life. Perhaps that would be mitigated if you had keen parents or close family living in the same town and willing to do a lot of childcare for you.

Thirdly I don't think it's right to purposely deprive a child of a father.

If you were like 36 it might be worth splitting up and trying to find a new partner but at 43 and going it alone I really wouldn't.

If you actually had a disabled child you wouldn't make these statements. There's often huge suffering for the child (often in chronic pain, needing operations and lots of medical input) and usually the parents split up leaving usually the mother alone to cope with completely inadequate support from the austerity ravaged public services, probably in penury because she can't work as there's no suitable childcare. Then there's the worry of what happens when she's gone and the child has to go into a care home which may be fine but may lead to abuse or neglect.

It's not about a disabled child's life being worth less, it's about the reality of the situation for those living it.

There is a massive difference between being a single mum in your mid to late 40s with teenagers/soon to be adults than having young primary age children. I'm 50 myself with a 14 and 18 year old and would be very reluctant to date anyone with really young children, that stage of life is past and you want more freedom, more time to yourself. I think it is frankly wildly realistic to consider oneself any kind of a catch with a 4 or 5 year old at 50, brutal but true. Much less when you are the sole and only parent and aren't even getting weekends to yourself. How would you even meet someone?

If having a baby had ever been that important to you, you wouldn’t have entered this relationship in the first place. Respectfully, I think this is more about FOMO than a deep, genuine desire to be a mother.

Being the single mother of a young child while in your early fifties sounds like a situation to avoid, not orchestrate. Also, if you do have a baby, you don’t know how that child will come to feel about not having a dad. As much as single parents by choice might try to happy-talk it, children who’ve never known one of their parents tend to see that as a void in their lives - even if all they want is just to know who their other parent is.