Relationship or Baby

[MarimarD]

First time poster. Long time lurker. 43 years old.

I have a dilemma that’s eating me up.

I’m in a relationship the last three years with a wonderful man. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. We love each other deeply and treat each other with respect, have a great sex life and a deep emotional connection.

My partner is divorced and has three children, the youngest is 9. They’re lovely kids. He has been clear from date 1 that he didn’t want more children . I thought I was OK with it as we met when I was 40 and I thought that ship had sailed anyway. I never had a burning desire to have children but kind of thought it would just happen some day.

However I’ve had some real moments of deep sadness over the past couple of years and the most recent bout has lasted longer and I’m afraid I’m going to deeply regret not having my own children. I’m considering going it alone and doing IVF which will mean the end of my relationship. My heart is breaking over it and I’m breaking his heart too. But I’m so afraid I’ll resent him and regret it if I stay.

Am I being unreasonable to leave this wonderful relationship to try and have a child when I know the chance is only 20/25% at best?

I have friend that agreed not to have babies if she wanted to marry him. She didn’t have babies and she’s now too old to have babies and they divorced. Life is a crap shoot. Go for what you want or you’re going to regret it for the rest of life. What selfish man to put that demand on you. The problem is, is that you were ok with it. Except it or get what you want

It is far from "selfish" to decline being wheedled into fathering an unwanted child.

Jesus Christ. Sometimes I really despair at the cavalier attitudes here toward human reproduction. Most animals have more sense.

All very well said.

Ffs. This is really starting to boil my piss.

a) you know nothing about me or my children.

b) acknowledging the challenges that come with raising a child with additional or complex needs is one thing.
Writing statements that OP would be crazy to give up a man to have a disabled child, or that no man would date a woman with a disabled child is disgusting.

c) you do realise that there isn’t only one way to be “disabled” , or one type of disability , or one way in which being disabled affects a person?

d) do you seriously think that all parents of disabled children regret their very existence and appreciate the kinds of statements that have been made on this thread?

“Ableism is the discrimination of and social prejudice against people with disabilities based on the belief that typical abilities are superior. At its heart, ableism is rooted in the assumption that disabled people require ‘fixing’ and defines people by their disability. Like racism and sexism, and includes harmful stereotypes, misconceptions, and generalizations of people with disabilities.”

“Examples of ableism… framing disability as tragic.”

https://www.accessliving.org/newsroom/blog/ableism-101/

I would give it a real shot.
There is no time better than now.

Try your best for a child and if it's not to be you will not regret it for the rest of you life.

If you do have a baby, your now boyfriend will still be one of your friends.

you missed the point. choosing not to have children when you don’t want them is not selfish. What is selfish is demanding someone else gives up their chance to have a child to be with you (then divorcing them).

This is such a selfish viewpoint.

Its selfish to want a child and know that most relationships end? Really?

How are you getting on OP?

In case it’s useful, there is a substack which might be of interest, Solo Fertility in Your 40s. At 43 the biggest factor will probably be how many rounds you can manage. Clinics in places like Greece and the Czech Republic are often more advanced than UK clinics, cheaper, and make PGT-A testing of many embryos accessible.