Relationship or Baby

[MarimarD]

First time poster. Long time lurker. 43 years old.

I have a dilemma that’s eating me up.

I’m in a relationship the last three years with a wonderful man. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. We love each other deeply and treat each other with respect, have a great sex life and a deep emotional connection.

My partner is divorced and has three children, the youngest is 9. They’re lovely kids. He has been clear from date 1 that he didn’t want more children . I thought I was OK with it as we met when I was 40 and I thought that ship had sailed anyway. I never had a burning desire to have children but kind of thought it would just happen some day.

However I’ve had some real moments of deep sadness over the past couple of years and the most recent bout has lasted longer and I’m afraid I’m going to deeply regret not having my own children. I’m considering going it alone and doing IVF which will mean the end of my relationship. My heart is breaking over it and I’m breaking his heart too. But I’m so afraid I’ll resent him and regret it if I stay.

Am I being unreasonable to leave this wonderful relationship to try and have a child when I know the chance is only 20/25% at best?

Yes that definitely can be true, and obviously it’s really important to think about all the hardships/ challenges/ sacrifices that goes into having children before making a decision to have them.

I don’t understand what you’re saying here?

If a single woman wants a baby, she will need to use donor sperm. Whether that is by insemination or IVF depends on medical factors and personal choice.

If a married couple use donor sperm then the partner is legally the 2nd parent. It’s generally considered better for the child that they grow up knowing their origins from an early age. So knowing that a sperm donor was involved in their conception shouldn’t be classed as over-sharing by their parents.

Apologies if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick in what you meant.

No advice OP but this link might be helpful with regard to the statistics.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/jan/30/uk-fertility-treatment-comparison-tool-dashboard-ivf

Wow that’s so interesting and much better odds than I thought. People are so doom and gloom about ivf , but this says that the pregnancy rate per embryo transfer is more than a third!

If I was your friend then I would be incredibly disappointed in you sharing that she feels this way about being a parent when it's so identifying to anyone who knows her thanks to your detailed description of her career. Very thoughtless.

I think that’s overthinking it. The two terms mean different things. As far as I know most people would say “ivf with donor sperm or donor eggs” if a donor was used. I don’t think anyone would automatically assume a child was conceived by donor sperm if someone said they have been through ivf. And I don’t think using the term ivf for a donor conceived child automatically means the parent isn’t going to tell their child they were donor conceived. The general public are not aware of all these technical terms I would imagine.

OP, I feel for you. I can completely relate to the feeling of being empty, having a hole that can only be filled by having a baby. I understand the pining, the longing, the grieving involved in letting go of the idea of having a baby. It's bloody painful, and it's no joke.

I'm 45 now, I dont have children and obviously that won't be changing. I always knew deep down that the reality of being a parent wasn't for me, but either biological or societal urges meant that I wanted one SO BADLY for years on end. Don't underestimate the power of either the biological pull or the strength of societal expectations that having a baby is the 'right' thing for a woman to do

You're having a massive wobble. It's no fun at all but it will pass. Absolutely no way would I give up a loving, nurturing, healthy relationship for a baby that I'm not even sure I want. No one is immune from regret being a possibility, parents very much included. Don't throw away what you have

@Cornflakes123 , I'm not overthinking it.
I've seen many threads where AID (not involving IVF) has been referred to as IVF.
I've also heard people in real life suggest IVF to a woman who didn't have a partner. e.g. 'Why don't you have IVF Jenny, you'd be happier if you had a baby to look after.'

You are dismissing my opinion. ('Jenny' was a bit down because she was between jobs and had never expressed any interest in becoming a mother).

But AID is a different procedure I thought ? Apologies for my ignorance. But I thought AID was more like iui with donor sperm. Whereas what is being discussed is ivf potentially with donor sperm.

Lots of women who go solo do ivf and not iui as it's more likely to be successful.

I can really sympathise with your sadness over this, and I recognise the decision must be agonising.

In the cold light of day, I would not sacrifice your brilliant relationship for a baby. I think the regret is landing hard because you are in that season of life where the deadline is upon you. I'd worry you are basing your decisions on grief of what 'might have been', rather than the reality of relationships and child rearing.

The stark reality is that raising kids is hard, raising kids alone is even harder. It often weakens relationships and your physical health. It's expensive and full of worry, no matter how old they get. That may sound like scaremongering, but they are all perfectly plausible realities. Are you set up for a child with physical disabilities or emotional/mental incapacities?

As an outsider, my advice would be to enjoy the full life ahead of you with a wonderful partner, enough money and all the liberties of good health and freedom that life has to bring.

I don’t think anyone would disagree that parenting a child with disabilities is harder. And it isn’t what we imagine when we think of ourselves as parents. There are more worries for their futures, fights with local authorities to access services, frequent hospital visits and myriad other challenges which take time and emotional energy.

It isn’t unreasonable for someone to express relief at not living that life. The opinion is about themselves, not about the child.

I honestly don't think you can reasonably resent your partner for not wanting more children when he was honest with you from day one.

Honestly it's not looking like a good idea OP.

@Allswellthatendswelll , they may do, but my post was re. using the term IVF when they meant AID.

@Cornflakes123 , yes, the OP is contemplating IVF with donor sperm.

I get annoyed at the wrong terms being used especially when it's related to complicated things like fertility/infertility. At least it's moved on from when I was young when it was assumed to be 'the woman's fault'.

@Emanwenym totally agree with you regarding the whole “woman’s fault “ thing.

The comments I was objecting to were the ones telling OP , eg, she would be a fool to chose IVF over a man because IVF might not work or the child might be disabled. Why are you defending this?

this is a step in your process for coming to terms with your decision not to be a mum, which was made before you met him.

This! It may well be something you just have to go through.

she would be a fool to chose IVF over a man because IVF might not work or the child might be disabled. Why are you defending this?

Because let’s be real: nobody who is imagining themselves as a parent is picturing themselves parenting a child- or an adult- with severe and lifelong additional needs. The fact that this outcome is more likely the older the parents are mean it’s something which should be factored in when making a decision like this. It isn’t saying that such a child would be less loved or less intrinsically valuable. But it acknowledges that such an outcome brings a whole host of challenges that parents of children who don’t have those needs won’t ever face, and the risk should be faced with open eyes.

You need to read back through this section of the thread. That’s not what the poster wrote or responded to.

this is a step in your process for coming to terms with your decision not to be a mum, which was made before you met him.
This! It may well be something you just have to go through.

OP never said this? She said the opposite in fact- that she assumed it would always happen.

It is certainly eye opening the extent to which people will make flagrantly ableist comments and then others will come along to defend them.

By the way you are the second poster who has declared that no one imagines themself as having a disabled child. You might want to start by opening your mind an iota and rethink the universality of that assumption.

Actually you need to read through the comments and the thread,
that poster wrote something in response to something I wrote objecting to comments where people were saying exactly that
( OP would be a fool to chose IVF over a man because IVF might not work or the child might be disabled.)
That poster then said she was allowed to feel relieved about not having a disabled child to look after/ worry about (or words to that affect) and I agreed she was allowed and valid to feel relieved about not having a child for any reason, but that comments implying that disabled children are less valuable/ valued/ loved than non- disabled children (which several posts of this thread have declared outright- and at least one was previously endorsed by that same pp) are not ok.

OP said, we met when I was 40 and I thought that ship had sailed anyway. I never had a burning desire to have children but kind of thought it would just happen some day.

So she’s never taken steps before now, before 40, to have a baby; and when she met her DP and he told her it was off the cards, she accepted that and had been thinking it wouldn’t happen anyway. She had passively chosen not to act, which with time-limited decisions is in fact a decision with its own consequences. That’s what I think the pp I quoted meant- she decided ages ago by not taking positive action.

By the way you are the second poster who has declared that no one imagines themself as having a disabled child. You might want to start by opening your mind an iota and rethink the universality of that assumption.

Are you suggesting that a good proportion of people do in fact fantasise about having a child with lifelong care needs, who will always require intensive input from their parents and other carers? Far be it from me to argue with someone who seems to know much more, but I’ve never met anyone who’s imagined this when planning/imagining their future family.

I have several friends with children who have life-limiting and life-changing additional needs, and I am in awe of those parents- I don’t think I would have a tenth of the resilience they have- but they didn’t anticipate this for their lives or the lives of their older children.

They don't mean what you think they mean, and they are ok

🤦🏼‍♀️.
Some one wrote: I think you would be absolutely crazy to give up a happy loving relationship to try and have a child. You may not manage to have one or, if you do, they could be disabled.

Then someone else wrote something about how OP would be incredibly lucky to find the “rare man” who would willing to take on a child who was not only fatherless but also disabled..
These weren’t the only comments.

if you think these comments are “ok” , I really can’t help you.

I honestly would get a full fertility MOT for yourself before driving yourself crazy with this decision until you know how likely it will be for you

This. With bells on. 👏👏