Relationship or Baby

[MarimarD]

First time poster. Long time lurker. 43 years old.

I have a dilemma that’s eating me up.

I’m in a relationship the last three years with a wonderful man. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. We love each other deeply and treat each other with respect, have a great sex life and a deep emotional connection.

My partner is divorced and has three children, the youngest is 9. They’re lovely kids. He has been clear from date 1 that he didn’t want more children . I thought I was OK with it as we met when I was 40 and I thought that ship had sailed anyway. I never had a burning desire to have children but kind of thought it would just happen some day.

However I’ve had some real moments of deep sadness over the past couple of years and the most recent bout has lasted longer and I’m afraid I’m going to deeply regret not having my own children. I’m considering going it alone and doing IVF which will mean the end of my relationship. My heart is breaking over it and I’m breaking his heart too. But I’m so afraid I’ll resent him and regret it if I stay.

Am I being unreasonable to leave this wonderful relationship to try and have a child when I know the chance is only 20/25% at best?

His power to change is to have a child he doesn’t want. Thats not fair either. His willing to support op even if that means losing her. His just not willing to have a child he doesn’t want.

I think you need to think carefully about the statistics you’ve been given.

Your chances will not improve by having PGT-A, it will just identify whether or not it’s worth transferring a particular embryo.

So you might have a 50% chance of getting an embryo that can be tested, then a 20% chance that the embryo is normal. That individual embryo would then have a much higher chance of working, but the odds of finding that embryo in your first or second cycle are not good.

I would recommend talking to a fertility counsellor who can help you find your way through this. My gut feeling is that you would be better off coming to terms with childlessness. But it’s not my life.

Where can I find a fertility counsellor that’s not attached to an IVF clinic? I mean one that’s impartial.

I do have a therapist that I’m seeing every week but it’s only been three weeks

And a vasectomy reversal is nothing like as simple and straightforward as having a vasectomy. It requires a general anaesthetic for a start. And it’s not guaranteed to be successful.

You are being unreasonable because you are calling Artificial Insemination by Donor (AID), IVF. FFS, can't you see how insulting that is to couples who have had a baby through IVF?

You’d be crazy to end this relationship over this (imo). This urge is just that, a hormonal urge, (and I have been there, the urge is very real and very powerful), but do you really want to lose a happy relationship with a lovely man? When there’s only a small chance of having a child anyway? Only you can answer if it’s worth it.

I've been where you are. I spent years of my life trying to get pregnant with IVF. Do not throw away a great relationship for the very outside chance you'll successfully have a baby to respond to what sounds like a hormonal panic. Look at what you've got in your life - it's rich and full, do not focus on what's missing.

If you're dead set on it, could you come to some compromise where you use a sperm donor (and probably egg donor too realistically) and so it's your child, but you form a blended family in the same way you're part of his kids lives but they're clearly his?

IVF is really really hard on your body. I would have said go for it at 43 (it's not that old) if you could conceive naturally.
I have an example of a friend who had her only child through donor sperm at 43 and is doing just fine. And I have an example of a friend who had a child through IVF (with her husband) at around the same age and f-ed up her health royally. I personally wouldn't want to put my body through IVF at all.

@LauritaEvita i totally agree with you.

OP, rather than “holding you while you are in floods of tears”, if he really loved you in a non-selfish way, I think he would be encouraging you to follow your heart, even if that meant giving him up.

But Ivf is the process that the OP would use (they wouldn't suggest IUI due to age) so the only real difference is that she won't have a partner supplying the sperm. It would be a donor. The rest would be exactly the same.

I know few solo mums by choice and it's been great for them BUT at 43 without donor eggs there really isn't a great chance.

um no, she’s calling ivf ivf

You have a poll and want different opinions so here's one from a (child free) 45 yo woman.
Don't ruin your life at 43, you seem to have common sense.
Have the relationship, if it makes you happy.

I think you would be absolutely crazy to give up a happy loving relationship to try and have a child. You may not manage to have one or, if you do, they could be disabled.

So many of my friends regret having children and almost all of them are divorced. Me and DH chose not to have children and have been married 45 years. Still happy and still in love.

Threads like this always make me think I'm living in a parallel universe from the rest on MN.

I see plenty of women having babies in their 40s all around me. And although I don't know all of them well enough to be sure, I suspect most of those pregnancies are not with a donor egg.

It might be low odds but it's hardly "extremely unlikely". My understanding is that it's a 5% chance with each cycle if trying to conceive naturally, so presumably a little bit higher with IVF where they implant embryos directly.

Worth a shot if that's what you want, I say.

This. I suspect those who say they’d never give up the chance to have children have never actually been in a really happy relationship.

OP this may be worth a read if you really fear regret.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-single/202003/7-reasons-people-shouldnt-fear-theyll-regret-not-having-kids

if you do, they could be disabled

!!!

And…?
Would that mean OP would love them less and more readily trade them for a man?

Yes but this is about women who don’t want children worrying about regret.

OP does desperately want a child. That’s the difference.

I took the post to mean having a disabled child would add a significant, life-changing level of complexity for a lone parent. Not that a disabled child is any less precious.

She said in her OPthat she never felt a burning desire and accepted it when her partner told her he didn’t want any more children. She also said she’s afraid she will regret not having children, rather than that she now has a burning desire.

Yes a disabled child would lead to even more issues for the op no matter how much she wants or loved her child. The fact she also doesn’t want to be alone your then talking of finding the rare good man willing to take on a fatherless child who’s then also disabled. Thats when she could actually find time to meet said man.

What does this mean?

Yes but now she’s experiencing a deep sadness about it and has been in floods of tears about it. That’s not the same as someone who’s feeling like they don’t want kids but worried that they might regret/ change their mind later. Those are two very different things. This article is addressing someone in the latter state of mind.

I would sacrifice a man over having a child every time. I speak as someone who struggled with fertility being left etc etc and moved heaven and earth to have a child and it was definitely worth it all.

Tbh I would see if you could pursue ivf and maintain a relationship until it works. Even and this is v bad of me behind his back! He has nothing to lose you do.

Personally, the fact that you're only recently feeling this yearning suggests to me that it's the human nature thing of wanting what you can't have.

As a pp said, if you were 33 and wanting this, the answers would be different.

But due to your age, I would say no, for the following reasons:

1. I think this yearning is because time is running out. I think if you genuinely wanted a child you'd have known it, years ago. I think this is just a cruel trick that nature plays on women of a certain age.

2. IVF is hard. Very hard. And your chances of success are low.

3. if it is successful, chances of disability / SEN are high.

4. child will be brought up in a single parent family, with an older mother and no siblings. Yes, that is the reality for some, but it's not ideal.

5. you would eventually like a relationship. Realistically, that will be very hard, for many years, if you have a child.

Sorry OP, I can understand how you must feel, but it's a huge gamble and I just think 43 is too old.