Relationship or Baby

[MarimarD]

First time poster. Long time lurker. 43 years old.

I have a dilemma that’s eating me up.

I’m in a relationship the last three years with a wonderful man. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. We love each other deeply and treat each other with respect, have a great sex life and a deep emotional connection.

My partner is divorced and has three children, the youngest is 9. They’re lovely kids. He has been clear from date 1 that he didn’t want more children . I thought I was OK with it as we met when I was 40 and I thought that ship had sailed anyway. I never had a burning desire to have children but kind of thought it would just happen some day.

However I’ve had some real moments of deep sadness over the past couple of years and the most recent bout has lasted longer and I’m afraid I’m going to deeply regret not having my own children. I’m considering going it alone and doing IVF which will mean the end of my relationship. My heart is breaking over it and I’m breaking his heart too. But I’m so afraid I’ll resent him and regret it if I stay.

Am I being unreasonable to leave this wonderful relationship to try and have a child when I know the chance is only 20/25% at best?

My friend was in this situation. She dumped the bloke, spent 30k and 3 years on IVF. Ended up going abroad and finally got pregnant at 46.

She loves her son so much but I worry for her. She has given everything for this child, they do everything together but what will happen when he flies the nest? What will she do?

I’m not sure the relevance of your points at all.

The grief/ pain of facing a lifetime of involuntary childlessness can be utterly desperate and heartbreaking . It sounds like that SIL was struggling with it profoundly; my heart goes out to her.

They literally are. None of us have children for selfless reasons, we're all.utterly selfish. We have them because we want them, nothing more complicated.
Let's not pretend it's suddenly any more selfish if you're a little older

Bringing another human being into the world because you are worried you might regret not doing so? Christ, no. This is an actual person we are talking about here, not an acca down at William Hill.

And what incredibly selfless reason.did you have for creating a new human? The pure lofty goal that they may one day cure cancer ?

Cop.on

Me? I'm childfree by choice.

Then what in the hell are you talking about? Why do you think anyone has children?

Because they actually do want them. Not because they are afraid they might encounter uncomfortable feelings in later life.

Far better to regret not having a child than having one. So many women do regret having children.

This.

61 and childfree here, with a great SO. No regrets.

And keep in mind things can go wrong. I have a friend who had a great life as a journalist for Reuters. World travel, etc.

She did artificial insemination at 41. The son is 17 now and has massive special needs. She had to quit her beloved job and take a humdrum marketing position. She never again met anyone interested in a romantic relationship and leads a very isolated life wfh and tending to her teen. She loves him of course but to say she regrets her impulsive choices would be an understatement.

But why do they want them? It's not like there are any selfless reasons, it's always for ourselves.

Having one because you're afraid you'll regret it if you don't is no different to having one just because you want one.

Yes I feel desperately sorry for people in this situation.

My point is that we are doing women a disservice if we pretend its going to be straightforward to have biological children by ivf in their mid 40s. It would be better if women knew all the facts and then they could make decisions over the 20 years leading up to this. The SIL shouldn't have been lashing out at people with children, she should be cross at society for not being honest and perhaps at a clinic took thousands of her money.

I say this so gently but I think the time for committing to becoming a mum had passed before you even met him.

I think tge desire is either coming too late or this is a step in your process for coming to terms with your decision not to be a mum, which was made before you met him.

You need support, not long shots.

It is different though, because in one scenario they genuinely want to have and raise a child and in the other scenario they’re scared they might miss out on something and this is their last chance.

My point is that we are doing women a disservice if we pretend it’s going to be straightforward to have biological children by ivf in their mid 40s. It would be better if women knew all the facts and then they could make decisions over the 20 years leading up to this.

yes definitely.

The SIL shouldn't have been lashing out at people with children, she should be cross at society for not being honest and perhaps at a clinic took thousands of her money.

I think the point is that what was making her angry / sad was the realisation that she was never going to have children . It’s easy to say she should have done something about it sooner, but perhaps she was still hopeful that things would work out for her in a more traditional way. Aside from the financial (and other) barriers to accessing IVF, there is still a huge amount of stigma directed towards women who chose to have children in non- traditional ways (as many of the comments on this thread demonstrate) which may be a large part of why so many women are reluctant to take matters into their own hands until the very last minute when it’s clear that this is their very last chance.

In terms of “lashing out at people with children”, of course it’s not good, but I totally understand it. The reality is that being angry/ resentful in these situations is a completely normal and very common experience.
Perhaps part of it is this ridiculous and pronatalist social norm that pregnant women / women with children should be entitled to everyone else’s celebrations/ congratulations/ joy for them , for the achievement of reproducing. Why should infertile/ involuntarily childless women feel joy / happiness for others that they so easily have the thing they desperately want but can’t have? Thats a totally unreasonable ask- why do we demand it of involuntarily childless women? Why can’t their real feelings- not of happiness , but of anger and sadness, be acknowledged and accepted?

Perhaps if society had more understanding , acknowledgment, empathy, space for the grief / pain of being involuntarily childless and didn’t demand from these women the continued performance of unrealistic and inauthentic feelings, then there would be a lot less “lashing out”.
Those are my reflections anyway.

Just a note that IVF isn't necessarily the route for single mothers by choice. Artificial insemination in a clinic with donor sperm is comparatively easy and far less complicated. I have two friends who went that route and both got pregnant on the first try. Over age 40 n both cases.

Neither of them has had a very good experience with motherhood but achieving pregnancy was pretty straightforward and affordable in both cases.

Also a quick note to challenge the ableism on this thread. Having a child with a SEND does not automatically mean that you will regret the choice to have a child , that you would clearly prefer a man or a job, or that it obviously would have been better if you hadn’t had them at all.

I think people like me (could not have children) are allowed to feel that they are better off childless than have a more than likely only child with a significant disability. I do see older couples around and about with adult children with significant disabilities, and do think yes that could have been me and DH and I’m glad it isn’t, relieved of the worry of what will happen to our child when we are gone, or we become too frail to care for them properly. .

@Cornflakes123 She does mention IVF, and she would not probably get pregnant without doing so (or even by doing so), but the sperm would need to come from somewhere.

Using IVF to mean AID is using the wrong term.

If I were a child conceived by IVF, and someone told me my dad wasn't my real dad, I'd be devastated. I don't think I'd be happy if people thought my child was a 'sperm donor baby' if I and my spouse had gone through IVF.

Some parents overshare with their children, and then children then repeat what they were told e,g for bullying purposes. Misusing IVF for AID is common.

You are certainly ”allowed” and totally valid to feel you are better off not having children for any reason.
What is not ok is making assertions/ statements that imply that disabled children are less valuable/ precious / worth the sacrifice / loved than abled bodied children and should never/ should never have been born. That’s just flagrant ableism , really harmful/ hurtful and also incorrect.

Have you had any fertility tests? To get an idea of how likely it would be to work?

Exactly.

I agree with the posters asking you to reflect on the timing of this. You spent the last few years of your 30s single and childless, aware that time was running out for you to have a baby and seemingly not too worried about that (at least, not worried enough to start investigating these options then).

But now you're considering it, when you're a few years older (so the chances of success are significantly lower) and you're in a happy relationship which you would have to sacrifice (whereas previously you were single and could have taken this path with a lot less heartbreak and regret involved).

This seems to me like something that would be worth exploring in therapy. Could you possibly be self sabotaging your happy relationship? Apologies if I'm way off the mark. Just something to think about.

No but it does make the already difficult life of solo parenting even more challenging and tiring.