Elderly parents won't write wills or funeral plans.

[Iaminthefly]

AIBU to be starting to get seriously stressed about it?

My parents are both mid 70s. I have been asking them for several years now to please sort out their wills and funeral plans. They keep saying they will but still haven't done it.

I am a lone parent of two young DC. No other real family support other than my parents. I have an older brother but given my DM still buys his food shopping it's doubtful how much help he would be.

I just really worried that I'm going to end up negotiating funerals and estates (niether of which I have any experience of) absolutely blind because they won't put anything in place. I also stress I'll make a complete balls up of it because I will be absolutely grief stricken.

I've asked and asked but they will not do it. Nobody likes facing their mortality but I'm starting to feel its quite selfish of them not to get it sorted out.

Same boat here.

Also my parents are in Ireland and the government there has made it virtually impossible to set up POAs for them.

I think the only thing you can do is present them with a plan and ask them to pay for it.

And set up POAs for them.

Make sure they have wills. If not get a DIY will kit.

If they refuse to engage, then spell out what you will or won't be able to do when they become infirm or pass away.

I have given up trying to get my parents to make a plan for their future. The only thing I can do is be clear about my own boundaries.

@Taytoface The thing is there's nothing I wouldn't do that needed doing when they pass. They've been absolutely amazing supports since my ex husband left me in the lurch. I'm very grateful..

I need to look more into what needs to be done regarding it all so I can present them with the facts. It's even little things. Like my DM doesn't want cremating but hasn't got a burial plot like my grandma, aunts etc. had paid for in advance. Also my DF has stocks and shares and I know for a fact my DM doesn't know any of the details/passwords. They keep their money all separate despite a 50 odd year marriage, which I find crazy.

It's so frustrating isn't it? I've told mine they're not going to die faster for writing a will.

OP - it is highly unlikely they will both die at the same time. So if they are married and one dies without a will, then simply put everything goes to the other one. While you will probably have to sort the funeral, you will have the other parent there to guide to what they would want.

IME couples who both don’t want to talk about wills last until the first is seriously unwell, then the other does.

I’ve just done mine this week with the Co-Op. They were really friendly and helpful. Our mirror will cost £245 total. We also did POAs at the same time (lots more money though)

All this was done through a Teams call.

Might it be worth contacting the Co-Op and explaining, then set up a call and go over to your parents with and do it with them?

We keep all our finances separate which is one reason we set up POA for each other. That way DH can access all my finances etc if he needs to.

My mum is late 70s . I wouldn’t dream of asking her to write a funeral plan.
I think she does have a will. I haven’t asked or nagged.
If she died then I would invite all her friends and family to a funeral with a burial . No big deal…

Oh cross posts OP! Then I wouldn’t go with sorting the whole thing (daunting) but one thing each- eg can you look into how to buy a plot if your mum doesn’t want to be cremated and give her the info.

For your dad, ask him if he can write down somewhere a list of all the shares he has, savings accounts etc so if anything happens to him you’ve got it all. (Not a full will. Just a list of what’s where, he doesn’t have to give you that now.)

if the issue with your dad is that it’s going to be tough to work out what he’s got, you run the risk of a will being him writing a short document saying “I leave everything to my wife, unless she precedes me or dies at the same time, then everything I own is split equally between my children.” - this doesn’t help you with working out what he’s got and who to contact to get everything into your mums name!

You don’t need passwords etc in fact it’d be illegal to use them after death. You’d just contact the bank or company, and give the, a copy of the death certificate and then usually the investments are sold and funds paid to the estate. Same with bank accounts etc.

if you can’t do things yourself then you get professionals to either help or do it themselves, I.e. a solicitor can do the form filling for probate etc. Undertakers are accustomed to helping people who never organised a funeral before, etc. It’s one area where most professionals are sympathetic and helpful. Most banks have bereavement depts who are likewise accustomed to dealing with deceased clients and their estates.

It really isn’t the end of the world if someone dies without a will or funeral plan, the worst is that they may not get the funeral they wanted or the money may not go to who they wanted it to, but thats their fault if they didn’t plan. All you can do when the inevitable happens is do your best and take advice.

Go on YouTube and look up Mel Robbins Let Them theory

if they don't want to make funeral plans ... let them. They will be straight forward to organise when they've gone.

If they don't want to make wills ... let them. The rules of intestacy will ensure once they're both gone you and your brother will inherit the lot.

Of course, you will be grief stricken but you'll get on with it. I'm speaking from experience. In the meantime - they're alive - enjoy them!

It is selfish but may be unintentional. Tackle it together.,Coop is a good shout.

I don't know how happy I'd be with someone going on at me about what happens if I die. If they don't want to think about it now, then that's up to them. Stop going on at them. No one knows what to do when someone dies if you've never experienced it before, but everyone gets through it.

I think you're worrying too much. Millions of people die without wills or funeral plans - it's very normal and you will get tons of support to plan and deal with these things.

Just enjoy your parents while they're still alive and deal with the other bits later.

In what way is it made difficult? My husband has poa set up by his dm wasn't hard just a visit to a solicitor with them both and myself and my daughter were sent registered letters to inform us we are kind of the witnesses to it .

How would you pay for the funeral or wind up their affairs without a will or LPOA?

Keeping money separate isn't necessarily a bad thing. My DAunt might have to go into care shortly. As we're in the England and she has little savings it's likely that SS will fund whereas if DUncles savings were taken into account she's probably be self funding for a little while anyway.

I've found that arranging funerals isn't pleasant obviously because of the grief but they are quite straightforward. Funeral Directors are a bit like party planners. They will offer you a range of options and you choose the ones that you think the deceased would have wanted, within your budget. I've always found them quite straightforward and after my DF passed we actually became friends with the Funeral Director we used.

As a PP suggested, I would tackle getting them to have POA for health and finance in place first. It's fairly straightforward to do, you can apply here and there are details of possible help with court fees here. I can't stress how much more difficult helping them will be if they lose capacity and you don't have these in place will be.

As for wills, that's pretty much up to them. You can offer to arrange to get someone to visit them and go the Wills in their own home if they can't get out. You can ask that they leave clear records of where their money is. Even if they don't there are tracing services. We turned up a savings account for DMIL after she had passed. There wasn't much in it but it was hers.

Out of everything though I think good records and LPAs are the most important at this stage

The most important thing of all is that you manage to get them to make a list of all bank accounts, investments, portfolios and life assurance policies they hold (if any) because you need to know where to look. Power of attorney is useful if one or other develop dementia but not as important as a list of financials.

I would also get them to list who they have utilities, insurance etc with because again it saves a lot of searching and finally try to get them to make a really simple will - you can use an online template or buy a kit very cheaply (WH Smith used to have them) where you list all their assets (you'll need to do two separate ones) then they say where it's going, if it's simple as 50/50 with your brother it makes it easy then finally get them to nominate an executor before getting a non beneficiary and non family member to witness it (check if you need one or two, I can't remember). All can be achieved in an afternoon for very little money

If you persuade them to do the powers of attorney (finance is the more important one) you do it online on the government portal, it costs though!

Arranging a funeral is surprisingly simple, sadly ilmy mum passed away recently ,and my dad phoned the Co op funeral service s a couple of hours later and they organised everything including a requiem mass( my parents are catholic) and committal at the Crematorium
And then my Dad and sister organised after the funeral buffet at the local sports club
They do have wills though and my dad has the financial means to pay for everything.

Lasting Powers of Attorney would be more important than a Will. At least with death, the Intestacy Rules will say where your assets go. Maybe they just don't want to put funeral wishes down. Some people just don't so I wouldn't press them. Also paying for funeral plans can work out more expensive than just paying at the time.

LPAs are the thing. Loss of capacity is much trickier for the people that have to pick up the pieces as something has to be done by someone...you cant just leave things. If you don't have LPAs, someone (you) need to go to court and get a deputy appointed to deal with finances which takes ages and in the meantime everything (including joint bank accounts) is frozen. The court usually won't appoint a deputy to deal with your health and welfare so legally decisions are made by the court/social services.

It's a real pain. Tell them they aren't making a Will or LPA for themselves. They are doing it for the people left to sort things out for them.

Agree with this. Especially on funeral plans- if they had strong feelings about their funerals they could make a plan. They haven't, so there it is. Funeral directors are absolutely used to dealing with bereaved people who don't know how to organise a funeral and they will guide you through the process. Likewise their estate- if they die intestate the estate is shared equally between their children (assuming they are in England or Wales). Quite simple.

It is annoying that your parents won't engage but worrying about it won't help.

If my children presented me with a funeral plan and demanded I pay for it ( as suggested up thread) I would be beyond furious at the imposition.

Funerals can be quite expensive depending on the deceased requests how would the Op pay for it if she can t access her parents accounts ?

A will is good idea, but I've never heard of anyone doing a funeral plan for themselves. Don't the family just go to the Co-op after the death and they tell you what to do?

Funeral plans are straight forward (but still hugely stressful ime) if there's a pot of money readily available to pay for them.

If the money is locked up in another account that the surviving partner can't get access to or has been frozen, not so much.

My friend's father died recently. He'd always dealt with everything- bills, banking - on line. No passwords left, his wife couldn't even access the accounts. Nightmare. And not lots of support round to help her, just my friend. OP is right to worry.

Funeral directors are quite used to people who have not done it before and give you options.

A funeral plan really is not a necessity.

When my dad died the funeral directors were very helpful and talked us through the options and my mum chose what she wanted. They really do hold your hand through the process.

Wills - again if they are married then when the first one dies it will all go to the second one. At which point the survivor may be more amenable to writing a will.

This isn't something you can make them do.

@x2boys but they don't have any requests as there's no funeral plans.

If both one dies then the other parent can pay. If the last parent dies then the money etc. will automatically go to OP and her brother, so the funeral can be paid from the estate.