Elderly parents won't write wills or funeral plans.

[Iaminthefly]

AIBU to be starting to get seriously stressed about it?

My parents are both mid 70s. I have been asking them for several years now to please sort out their wills and funeral plans. They keep saying they will but still haven't done it.

I am a lone parent of two young DC. No other real family support other than my parents. I have an older brother but given my DM still buys his food shopping it's doubtful how much help he would be.

I just really worried that I'm going to end up negotiating funerals and estates (niether of which I have any experience of) absolutely blind because they won't put anything in place. I also stress I'll make a complete balls up of it because I will be absolutely grief stricken.

I've asked and asked but they will not do it. Nobody likes facing their mortality but I'm starting to feel its quite selfish of them not to get it sorted out.

My mum always refused to entertain conversations about death. However…the situation we’re in now is also something to consider. Funeral plans, and wishes are one thing - but what about their wishes should they be hospitalised, disabled, unable to move or swallow, but breathing for themselves?
Getting Lasting Power of Attorney signed and registered makes it so so much easier for next of kin to influence treatment, and make sensible decisions in line with loved one’s wishes. I’d advise everyone to try to get LPA sorted - all their wishes can be noted and clearly documented. Would they want to be resuscitated? At what point would they want to refuse life-prolonging treatment, would they want active treatment with antibiotics or would they prefer to just let go? Would they want to be tube fed nasally, to keep them alive if they can’t physically swallow?
Nobody expects things like massive disabling strokes to happen to them or their loved ones, but unfortunately they can and do.

The only thing that I think is essential is lpa, but you can't make them do that. You can explain.
With dmum I literally said to her, the only person you not doing this that will be affected is me. It will always fall to me, we both know this so please just do this one thing.

I was talking to my dh about this sort of stuff last night and how we should make sure our wills are sorted and also what we'd prefer in the event of an accident etc. I wouldn't want to be kept alive by machines, I'd like to be an organ donor if I can etc.

We should talk about these things and put things in order, it's really selfish not to.

My grandfather died suddenly from a heart attack and nobody knew anything of his insurance etc and it made a really difficult time so much worse! The struggle to pay for his funeral. Then eventually his papers were found in the back of his wardrobe in a biscuit tin. My nan was so stressed out by it all but my grandad ended up being buried by the Council in a cemetery miles away.

Bloody ridiculous because 2 adults couldn't have a grown up conversation about death and paperwork.

My father died without a will. It was quite easy. You just follow the rules of intestacy, the same as you would have followed the will instructions. Quite often they are the same anyway. Wills also have to go through probate if the estate is substantial or includes property, so there's no real saving of time there.

I really wouldn't worry about it. Funerals are easy - the funeral director will advise you and the deceased's bank will release the funds. If there is no wishes to follow, just do whatever you want. Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

I certainly wouldn't buy a funeral plan ahead of time - if the company goes bust, you've lost your money and I have heard of the plan not covering the funeral in full also, especially if taken out some years before.

As per my pp, a funeral can be paid for once probate is sorted out. It’s quite usual for funeral companies to accept this.

And a P of A is only valid while the person is still alive.

As for funeral plans, some people have no particular wishes (I don’t, for one) so it’s up to relatives to arrange whatever they like. Of course it’s more convenient all round if someone’s specified it all and paid in advance - a childless aunt of mine did this, bless her - but neither of my parents, nor dh’s, had done any such thing.

People like this are selfish and stupid.

I’ve executed a parent’s will (just finished). It took a year despite having: simple assets, being under the IHT threshold, affairs in order - all paperwork left for me, no complicating factors at all. Everything was basic and only what “normal/standard” people have.

It will be a nightmare if they die without wills. They should be ashamed of themselves. They should have done this when they had a baby.

@Iaminthefly

YANBU

I am going through this now - and yes it can happen at the same time with both parents because it is with mine.

You are right to be concerned. I don't know how successful you will be at persuading your parents to make plans though. I couldn't get mine to. If you have a sibling you need to agree a way forward now.

If not (and I don't) I would speak to a solicitor ahead of time (first consultation is often free) and find out what support they can offer you when the time comes.

In the meantime, and I am sorry to have to say this, you need to think about what you can/can't afford up front to underpin costs and whether or not there are things you will/won't pay for.

I have been horrified at how much extra stuff needs covering. We were not prepared, had thought plans were in place only to discover they weren't. A month in, we'd spent in excess of £1.5k covering immediate personal care needs, Deputyship application, and unforseen costs. It has only gone up since. Yes people will tell you, you can claim back from the estate but that can take months to come through and nothing is guaranteed.

We haven't got joint accounts either but have our own money and savings so both of us would easily manage with the bills and expenditure while things were being sorted, I think the problem occurs if just one person has all the money and the other just has a small amount as is the case in some families.

I have LPA for an elderly relative. She's been in a home for years and I regularly get asked if she can have a flu jab or do I want her to have antibiotics. I can't remember anyone ever asking to see the LPA for health. Finance yes but not the health part. I have never thought about it before.

They are only mid 70's and you've been hounding them for years to make wills and funeral plans? So, since they were in their 60's? Wow. That's insane. No one wants to make a funeral plan, especially when you're in your 60's and healthy. If they die without doing wills, then you just follow the normal rules, it's quite simple.

We have no idea if FIL has a Will. He is late 70's and in excellent health - he's just back from a safari actually. He has lots of money, bonds, properties etc, and unfortunately his children have no details about any of it. We can only hope he has a file somewhere with stuff written down. If we told him to make a funeral plan he would laugh us out of town, he's far too busy planning his next few holidays!

I agree with this. My parents always had all their finances in common, so when my Dad's health started to fail my Mum had a pretty good idea how everything stood, but it was incredibly helpful that (a) they had sat down together and written it all down and (b) their paperwork and filing was in apple pie order. My Mum was nearly 90 when Dad died and absolutely knocked for six by the loss of her husband of over 60 years, after a year of being his sole carer, and not being in the best of health herself. Because we already had POA in place, I was able to take over managing most of the routine stuff on her bank account, credit card, savings, paying utilities and so on, at her request. Because they had made wills, the handover of all assets to Mum was pretty straightforward too, but what they wanted was pretty much what would have happened with the intestacy rules anyway. The single most useful thing was being confident that I knew we hadn't missed anything.

It also helped that my parents had also written down and discussed with us the funeral and cremation arrangements and had already purchased a plot for their ashes. At a difficult time, the less you have to think about, the fewer decisions you have to make, the better.

Both of us are financially independent. If either of us dropped dead tomorrow we wouldn’t need each others money for a good year or so.

Why don’t you say to them about how worried you are about it, because you know already that you are going to be devastated and you would really appreciate knowing what their wishes would be and it would be easier for you to deal with if it’s all written down formally. Otherwise they have to know in advance that you will be making those decisions for them.

Exactly but it isn't a bad idea for everyone and can be a sensible choice for some eg if my husband was a gambling addict I would definitely want my money to be separate.

My family always have wills and in part it's to ensure that they get the send off they want. My DGM paid for her funeral in advance and stipulated that she only wanted a few flowers. The rest of the family wanted loads but no as executors we stuck to her wishes. My DF wanted to be scattered so even though I'd rather have somewhere to visit, once again I stuck to his wishes. Would this encourage them?

Banks will pay for funeral expenses before probate is even applied for. Just take the invoice to the bank.

Far harder to sort out loads of household 'stuff' than a funeral, now that is a task.

At this point in time it is much more important to find out if they have POA for each other. If your father has a debilitating illness that results in him losing capacity, and your mother does not have POA, she will have no access to his accounts and will have limited ability to make welfare decisions for him. She will have to go through a lengthy (many months) and expensive (many thousands) process to gain legal guardianship in order to make those financial and welfare decisions.
Alternatively you should get POA for them both, but it sounds like they are resistant to talking about that.

I wouldn't worry, its unlikely they will die together and the stress of sorting out one of the estates will kick the other one into gear.

When it happens, be supportive but very much not actively helping- lots of noises about how you agree it sounds like a nightmare. At some point the penny will drop and then you can help.

Just to add to my post above, the long- term illness scenario is what they and you should be worried about rather than the funeral.

Isn't that the truth.

They don’t need a funeral plan. The funeral isn’t for the person who has passed, it’s for those grieving.

But the will part is just silly. I would keep pushing on that one.

DH and I are in our seventies and have made our wills, LPA and paid for direct cremation. A friend died and had a direct cremation and then his widow organized a celebration of his life with photos etc. a few weeks later. My daughters know where details of my money are. I have a file with a summary in front and all the certificates behind.

My mum died without anything planned. We had to feel our way through the process and she didn't have much money so we ended up spending quite a bit.

My dad has sorted out his funeral plan and paid for it as he saw how hard it was for us.

God, my parents are mid 70s and currently travelling round Australia in a camper van! No idea whether they have wills, don't feel it's my place to ask. Unless there's a reason to think otherwise, they could have years left and very unlikely to go at the same time. My Mum would be furious to be described as elderly!