Elderly parents won't write wills or funeral plans.

[Iaminthefly]

AIBU to be starting to get seriously stressed about it?

My parents are both mid 70s. I have been asking them for several years now to please sort out their wills and funeral plans. They keep saying they will but still haven't done it.

I am a lone parent of two young DC. No other real family support other than my parents. I have an older brother but given my DM still buys his food shopping it's doubtful how much help he would be.

I just really worried that I'm going to end up negotiating funerals and estates (niether of which I have any experience of) absolutely blind because they won't put anything in place. I also stress I'll make a complete balls up of it because I will be absolutely grief stricken.

I've asked and asked but they will not do it. Nobody likes facing their mortality but I'm starting to feel its quite selfish of them not to get it sorted out.

My friend has paid for her funeral and left instructions re hymns etc.

I'd be more concerned about a lack of a Will than a funeral plan. No Will means that more of the money will go in tax to the government than to family, friends or the local cat's home!

You can get a Will done in 'Wills Week' where many solicitors will draw up your Will free of charge, and you just make a donation to charity. I got mine done in return for a £50 donation to a local hospice.

Rather than talk about funeral plans and POA, why not start with the Will first? Once that's done, they may start to think about the rest as a matter of course.

This thread has reminded me that I need to sort out LPA. And DH and I need to update our wills now that DD is an adult. Thanks OP🌹

Funeral plan? No. I'd prefer direct cremation but DD might want something else for me so I'll trust her. Just hope she does it cheap!

I think there is a lot of irresponsibility and selfishness in many older people unfortunately.

Having a will is just a basic courtesy to the remaining partner and adult children to avoid chaos and put even more stress for the people who will have to cope with the bereavement.

It is very easy to do and does not have to be expensive.

I don't think a funeral plan is necessarily needed but again it would make sense to at least share any specific wishes so the family that is left is not overwhelmed.

Most likely one will die before the other (not together) so at some point one of your parents is going to have the burden of arranging the funeral and winding up the affairs of the other. That is when it will hit home how difficult it is when you're grieving. It will be your opportunity to tell the surviving parent that you don't want to have those same issues when they die, and encourage them to get their affairs in order.

If they each want their surviving spouse to inherit everything upon first death, then it may be worth pointing out that under the laws of intestacy, if their estate (property+finances+ assets) is worth more than £322k (in England) then anything over this amount will be split, with half the remainder going to the spouse and half split between any children of the deceased.

Oh Lord, yes!

While writing their will, get them to make a list of anything valuable that should be sold/go to auction, and add instructions to whoever, to just get a house clearance firm in once they’ve taken that/and anything else they might want. Well worth the money!

If the parents have separate finances its goung to be a nightmare.

Get them to do Powers of Attorney. I was so grateful my parents had done this when my mother had a stroke and lost the power to write and to understand numbers overnight.

As a public service announcement (bearing in mind I'm not a lawyer, but an interested amateur), can I just add that the intestacy laws were drawn up at a time when family structures were very different from now. If you have a conventional nuclear family - wife, husband, all children are of that relationship - then the intestacy law will probably reflect what you would have put in a will, because it's spouse first, then children (essentially).

But if you have a blended family or you and your partner are not married or in a civil partnership, wills are essential to make sure your money goes where you want it to. Under the intestacy law, partners get nothing if you're not married or in a civil partnership (that can be challenged in court in some circumstances, but who wants to have to do that? Incredibly expensive and uncertain.) Anything in joint names should be OK, but not everyone will have that.

Also, if one or both partners have children from earlier relationships, making a will is really important to make sure that your assets go where you want them to. If you don't make a will then your spouse or civil partner will inherit all or most of your assets and can then leave them to whoever s/he wants, which unfortunately may not be your children from your earlier relationship. It could all go to your stepchildren or your partner's family.

I'm a funeral planner. A funeral plan is a good idea if you have set ideas of what you want - everything from burial or cremation, do you want to be viewed in the chapel of rest, choice of songs/readings etc. Also, the funeral directors fees are a set cost. The price at the time of taking out the plan is the price you pay when you die, even if that's 10/20 years later and the FDs fees have shot up. You can pay an amount towards third party costs (crematorium/burial plot/celebrant etc) but those costs will not be fixed and you will pay the (at time of death price). I've arranged funerals for people who've had plans in place for decades who paid a fraction of the time-of-death price. All plans have to be FCA regulated nowadays so your money is safe if the funeral plan company goes out of business.

Yes. We have been sorting ours out and have listed some things that would look like nothing but are actually worth a few thousand.

My mum and dad both took out funeral plans about 10 years ago when they were about 70. Dad then developed dementia and died 2 years ago - the funeral plan was absolutely brilliant to have. None of the second guessing about what he would or wouldn't have wanted as it was all written down on the plan, he'd chosen what coffin style he wanted and the only decision my mum and siblings and I had to make was light or dark wood. He'd specified what sort of service he wanted, what music he wanted, cremation not burial, etc etc etc. So after he died it was just a case of phoning the firm of undertakers he had already specified in the plan and they did the lot according to his instructions.

It takes the pressure off the surviving elderly spouse and the children. The undertaker was also happy to let us add to the basic package he'd specified - so we paid extra for the service to be live streamed for the benefit of elderly relatives who couldn't travel.

There are a lot of immortal people around in my experience. People who would never get hit by a car for example. Loads of them. Those people don't need Wills or LPAs apparently.

Everyone else needs them. Particularly if you have children under 18. Appoint guardians in your Will and get a set of LPAs in place in case you lose capacity so your kids life isn't as disrupted as much as it would be without LPAs. Both parents might be in the same car so unless you always travel separately just get it done.

Except, you have no idea of the complexity of some people’s estates or wishes.

It is no surprise that each of us is going to die one day, and by the time you get to 70 it is absolutely behooves each of us to make preparations for that which don’t mean other people have to do a task that should be considered part of normal adulting.

Being unable to think about or discuss ones wishes after death do not speak well to one’s maturity- at all.

OK, so you’re afraid of dying- making a will neither hastens nor delays it happening.

They are probably too terrified to think about it. I think you should get two DIY will kits then try to sit down with each parent individually and go through it with them. It’s a lot less scary than going to a solicitor’s, isn’t it? I did a DIY one when I was about 35.

Getting them to plan their funerals I’m not sure about tbh. It’s one of those things you dread but is okay when the time comes and you will be able to deal with it. I would be wary of burial as it’s very expensive (around (£10,000). My parents services and cremations were about £4,000 each. I’d say the only thing you need to do at this stage is to know which local funeral director is the most reputable, then just leave it at that till the time comes.

I think there is a lot of irresponsibility and selfishness in many people unfortunately.

Fixed that for you. It's not a new phenomenon, it's not typical of any generation, it's always been the case that some people simply cannot face thinking about their own demise, or are too disorganised or lazy to sort things out for the benefit of their heirs, and so on.

I've just made a new will as ds died so everything needs redoing....POA, pension trust and expression of wishes.
I also have a funeral plan....direct cremation.
My family know my wishes and will respect them.

Not unreasonable at all. My best friend, went to school together, an only child (!!!!!) with pre-deceased dad spent 3 years getting probate for her mother's estate in Scotland. Her mother died without a will, because mistakenly she thought that since her husband was dead, and she had only one child with whom she lived, no will is required and it will be straight forward. She had a living POA for her mum before that. First she had to obtain a bond of caution, then apply to be made executrix dative (would have been executrix nominate if there was a will). Every step of the way they tried to rip her off - her mother's solicitor, who did not tell her mother to write a will, was willing to 'sort everything out for 5 grand'. She did everything herself, hence it took her 3 years, but oh, boy, first thing I did when I just started hearing about her 'journey', I organised my will. Just hearing about it was scary, never mind going through it. Talk to your parents ASAP!

Welcome to the world of stubborn elderly parents!

My late father brought a whole new meaning to the word "stubborn," as did his mother before him. Nothing you say will make any difference, so the best thing to do is detach from the issue as best you can. Otherwise they'll drive you into the ground before they're done, trust me.

Banks will release funds to pay for funerals before any estate is finalised.

Why would you want your parents to pay up front for burial plots when there's money in the estate to cover this when they pass? Life is for living op. Let your parents enjoy their money now. Seriously do not present your mum with bills for graves and so on when she's said she isn't happy to discuss it. Even a will is not important for a married couple unless very wealthy. As for music, flowers etc - you could start thinking now about their favourite music etc if it helps you but if they don't have strong feelings on the matter they just don't, and a eulogy will be totally sufficient personalisation. Re LPAs, I'm not sure what a solicitor charges for - these are available online with guidance on how to complete them. There's a stadard fee to pay like for a passport application.

It’s been said, but wills and funeral plans are helpful but if you don’t have them then it’s fine. Everything gets split between you and your brother and you get an extra amount on inheritance tax amount if you inherit their home. A lawyer will keep you right.

I learned the hard way that Power of Attorney is the thing that is most important when my Dad’s health deteriorated while selling his house. The whole thing was held up 8 months because I couldn’t act on his behalf.

They won't; I've just been through it all. The whole estate is frozen for probate and no withdrawals are allowed, starting from when the person died. Obviously that's retrospective, as it takes time for the death to be registered and probate to kick in, but any transactions after the death and before probate is granted are treated as suspicious and investigates. Banks do not release funds from deceased peoples' bank accounts for funerals. How would they be sure it's for the funeral, anyway? If the deceased wants to pay for their funeral, they need to transfer money to a third party before they die.

I've got one - it will be fully paid up next year. I have a LPA for both health and finance too, with my niece and a cousin as joint/several attorney. And a will.

Hi, what do you mean about getting an extra amount on inheritance tax if you inherit the home?