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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Elderly parents won't write wills or funeral plans.

336 replies

Iaminthefly · 09/02/2025 08:41

AIBU to be starting to get seriously stressed about it?

My parents are both mid 70s. I have been asking them for several years now to please sort out their wills and funeral plans. They keep saying they will but still haven't done it.

I am a lone parent of two young DC. No other real family support other than my parents. I have an older brother but given my DM still buys his food shopping it's doubtful how much help he would be.

I just really worried that I'm going to end up negotiating funerals and estates (niether of which I have any experience of) absolutely blind because they won't put anything in place. I also stress I'll make a complete balls up of it because I will be absolutely grief stricken.

I've asked and asked but they will not do it. Nobody likes facing their mortality but I'm starting to feel its quite selfish of them not to get it sorted out.

OP posts:
wombat15 · 09/02/2025 21:10

gmgnts · 09/02/2025 20:24

Threads like this - there's another one currently where the OP is complaining about having to sort through her deceased parents' ornaments - make me re-think my attitude towards the assisted dying bill. There is a recurrent narrative here that old people are a nuisance and should have the good manners to just get themselves tidied up and ready to die, so that they are not a burden on their families. I find it utterly chilling. I write as an old person, one who has a will and an LPA, and who has , in the past, had to arrange funerals and sort out years of accumulated possessions of parents and in-laws. Such is life. When I was filling skips and making runs to charity shops, it never once occurred to me to think that these people should not have had the right to have possessions. And when I was arranging funerals, I never once thought that I wished they had made their wishes clear before they died. I just got on with arranging things with the aid of helpful funeral directors. If assisted dying becomes law, I fear that it may become the thin end of the wedge, where old and disabled people are pressurised by relatives to do the decent thing and get out of here to save everyone extra trouble. I think the OP needs to back off and let her parents do as they wish. Thank God you're not my daughter, OP, or you might find yourself written out of my will in return for your pressure!

I agree. My parents are in their 80s and I wouldn't dream of asking about their Will or telling them to sort out funeral arrangements. It's up to them what they do or don't do.

Therightdressforfriday · 09/02/2025 21:29

Sorry OP but in my recent opinion you have good reason to be worried. My DH passed away recently and left good notes on his accounts and shares, et cetera and I pretty much knew everything anyway but it’s still been difficult.

During the past month, I’ve contacted all the banks building societies DVLA, HMRC and his private pension companies and they all have different ways of dealing with things. Some were very easy and allowed me to upload a copy of the death certificate others needed it posting off.

DH also other than stating he wanted to be cremated in his will left absolutely no more instructions and it’s surprising really if you want a funeral service whether it be burial or cremation how much thought has to go into it

I can understand it’s difficult for your parents to want to face their mortality and write wills, et cetera, but it’s really not very fair on you

Assuming they don’t go together, you will at least have the other one to ask questions of and if you are to be involved in the sorting of your parents affairs I would suggest that you also ask questions of the others financial stay as well.

I got myself a notebook a couple of years ago knowing that DH had a life limiting illness and started making notes of odds and ends of things that I knew about and other things that I stumbled across that various times

It’s been enormously helpful in sorting out things like probate.

Apparently, you can download the probate forms and it has been my intention to do that, but I haven’t actually got to it because we have some complications due to a business we both own and my accountant suggested we use their in-house probate person who I saw the other day and was enormously helpful.

When the worst happens, I would suggest you Shop around for somebody to fill in the probate form, these qualified people will ensure that the form is correct when it goes in and therefore won’t keep bouncing back to you, yes it will cost and it will come out out of this estate but in view of everything I would imagine it’s going to be money well spent.

2chocolateoranges · 09/02/2025 21:32

My mum saw my dh and his siblings have to sort 2 funerals in the last 6 years and then my mum and my aunt had to sort my grans funeral too(their mil) so my mum decided to make life easier for me by sorting POA , will and funeral.

she said my dh had his siblings whereas I’ve not got that.

gatheryerosebuds · 09/02/2025 21:43

I don’t really get this. Isn’t sorting out a loved one’s funeral, a sort of final act of love and literally and symbolically the last thing you do for them?
I know in Ireland it used to be considered an honour to physically dig the grave of good friends/relatives.

LakieLady · 09/02/2025 21:54

But if you have a blended family or you and your partner are not married or in a civil partnership, wills are essential to make sure your money goes where you want it to. Under the intestacy law, partners get nothing if you're not married or in a civil partnership

Too right. My partner died very suddenly and I had no say in anything. His son arranged the funeral, even down to choosing the music, got the money that was in DP's bank account (thankfully, the house and most of our savings were in a joint account, so he couldn't touch those) and even invited people that DP definitely wouldn't have wanted there, including his ex, who had been utterly abusive for most of their relationship. As it was during the pandemic, the numbers that could attend were limited and some of our closest friends couldn't come.

We had intended to make wills a few months earlier, when we realised that the value of the house took us over the inheritance tax threshold, and we were going to get married so that there would be double the allowance, but within a few days everything went into lockdown.

Hoppingabout · 09/02/2025 23:06

gmgnts · 09/02/2025 20:24

Threads like this - there's another one currently where the OP is complaining about having to sort through her deceased parents' ornaments - make me re-think my attitude towards the assisted dying bill. There is a recurrent narrative here that old people are a nuisance and should have the good manners to just get themselves tidied up and ready to die, so that they are not a burden on their families. I find it utterly chilling. I write as an old person, one who has a will and an LPA, and who has , in the past, had to arrange funerals and sort out years of accumulated possessions of parents and in-laws. Such is life. When I was filling skips and making runs to charity shops, it never once occurred to me to think that these people should not have had the right to have possessions. And when I was arranging funerals, I never once thought that I wished they had made their wishes clear before they died. I just got on with arranging things with the aid of helpful funeral directors. If assisted dying becomes law, I fear that it may become the thin end of the wedge, where old and disabled people are pressurised by relatives to do the decent thing and get out of here to save everyone extra trouble. I think the OP needs to back off and let her parents do as they wish. Thank God you're not my daughter, OP, or you might find yourself written out of my will in return for your pressure!

I disagree somewhat. If you don't sort out your affairs (Will and LPA) do you expect your loved ones to be potentially in financial difficulties or have to go to court to be appointed deputy or fund care as your accounts have been frozen? It's not chilling. It's just practical.

A Will and a set of LPAs is so easy to get done and shows you care about your loved ones.

It doesn't mean you are old or about to die either. What if you had children under 18? Would you appoint their guardians or just say such is life and assume Social Services will sort them out?

gatheryerosebuds · 10/02/2025 07:54

I think LPAs are a completely different kettle of fish to planning one’s own funeral.
I think it’s fine to say in general terms that one would like eg burial and the service at a church but not any more than that. Some people are obviously fine with choosing their own coffin. Frankly it would give me the heebie geebies!

taxguru · 10/02/2025 08:17

gatheryerosebuds · 10/02/2025 07:54

I think LPAs are a completely different kettle of fish to planning one’s own funeral.
I think it’s fine to say in general terms that one would like eg burial and the service at a church but not any more than that. Some people are obviously fine with choosing their own coffin. Frankly it would give me the heebie geebies!

I agree. I don't know why people are putting LPAs and wills/funeral planning together. They're completely different.

In my mind, when you're dead, you're dead, so if the deceased wasn't bothered to plan their funeral, i.e. choose burial or cremation, choose religious or not, choose casket style, etc., then they were clearly not that bothered!

If they didn't write a will, then they by default must have been happy for their estate to be distributed via intestacy rules. Again, they were clearly not that bothered to do anything different.

But LPAs are a different kettle of fish. They come into effect when you're alive so will have an actual real effect on the person when they're suffering health or mental problems. Not having them in place means your nearest and dearest don't have much of a say in your treatments/care for your health issues. It means there's no mechanism for paying for bills, buying stuff, financing healthcare or other care when you need it. Banks, utility firms, etc simply won't talk to your nearest and dearest and won't take instructions from them. Care homes etc need someone to pay their bills, so without a POA, it falls to family to stump up as they're not able to access the bank accounts etc without going through the process of arranging guardianship etc via the family court which can take several months and costs several hundred pounds!

Until you've had a close relative needing healthcare or other care, and they've not done a POA for health nor finances, you don't appreciate how helpless you are.

We've just been through it with MIL. She had dementia but had coped with family help for several years, where we took her to the bank etc and "guided" her through what she needed to do, what to sign, helped her write cheques, etc., went to medical appointments with her to support her and help her understand and ask questions etc. She was still living independently in her own home. We kept mentioning POA but she baulked at the cost. She kept saying she'd do it when the need arose. Trouble was that she deteriorated very rapidly and events over-took her. Literally worsening by the day, both in terms of physical health and her mind. Every time we asked for GP/hospital help, social care help, contacting banks or utility providers, first question was always "have you got a POA" - if not they'd only talk with MIL directly and that was becoming more and more impossible. She couldn't set up a direct debit for home care costs, so we had to pay for it. People she came into contact with, i.e. the home care manager, could clearly see she was no longer of "sound mind" so knew she wasn't capable of signing a cheque or setting up a direct debit for their costs etc! We couldn't even start the process of getting POA as no one would certify that she knew what she was agreeing to! We had to start down the court of protection route but that needed a "professional" to confirm she wasn't capable of understanding things, and the GP surgery simply wouldn't do it as they were "busy" and wouldn't give an appointment for an administrative matter, so we had to wait until she was admitted to hospital, and get a hospital doctor to evaluate her and sign the paperwork. Then it's a several month wait for the family court to process the firm. MIL was dead before it was granted! Trying to organise healthcare, organise her finances etc dominated her last few weeks alive - we'd be spending time filling forms and pleading for help from the GP surgery, social services, etc., rather than spending quality time with MIL!

doodahdayy · 10/02/2025 08:19

Maybe they don't care what happens at their funeral as they will dead! I think it's outrageous to be pushing them to discuss this. Perhaps they don't want to think about dying? Not every "elderly" person is comfortable with the flight they will die. Despite Mumsnet thinking they should be ready. The surviving spouse will sort the first funeral out anyway. Mind your own business. They could be around for a while yet

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 10/02/2025 08:39

There are two separate things. Funeral - paying for it now, or just writing down or verbally passing on instructions - agree, not everybody wants to do that, and there's an argument for saying it's for the bereaved to decide how they want to mark the deceased's passing and life.

However, getting one's affairs in order, decluttering, leaving clear records of one's financial affairs and ideally making a will and getting power of attorney drawn up for both health/welfare and finances - these are just common sense, considerate things that everybody should do, not just older people. It gets more and more urgent though, as the time when these things will be needed is most likely when a person is older and their health starts to deteriorate. There's nothing outrageous in having a carefully worded conversation with a family member about this.

I wonder if concern about power of attorney might be because the older person assumes they could lose all control of their affairs as soon as it's drawn up. Might be worth stressing that it doesn't take effect until it's needed.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 10/02/2025 08:43

LakieLady · 09/02/2025 21:54

But if you have a blended family or you and your partner are not married or in a civil partnership, wills are essential to make sure your money goes where you want it to. Under the intestacy law, partners get nothing if you're not married or in a civil partnership

Too right. My partner died very suddenly and I had no say in anything. His son arranged the funeral, even down to choosing the music, got the money that was in DP's bank account (thankfully, the house and most of our savings were in a joint account, so he couldn't touch those) and even invited people that DP definitely wouldn't have wanted there, including his ex, who had been utterly abusive for most of their relationship. As it was during the pandemic, the numbers that could attend were limited and some of our closest friends couldn't come.

We had intended to make wills a few months earlier, when we realised that the value of the house took us over the inheritance tax threshold, and we were going to get married so that there would be double the allowance, but within a few days everything went into lockdown.

I'm so sorry. That must have been very difficult. Flowers

MrsFunnyFanny · 10/02/2025 08:44

@taxguru I totally understand and agree about the LPa situation. I haven’t discussed funeral plans at all with my mum - she didn’t want to entertain talking about death, and I was ok with that. We eventually got her to agree to doing the LPAs online, but she had a debilitating stroke shortly after the forms were all submitted. It may well be too late, as you said about your MIL. By the time the LPAs come through (they say 8-10 weeks) and give me the authority I need to advocate for her, she might well be dead.

neilyoungismyhero · 10/02/2025 08:53

I'm in my 70s and I agree it's selfish not sorting your affairs out. It's bad enough being grief stricken without all the hassle of running around dealing with parents finances. Some friends of mine are having to do just that at the moment and it's a nightmare.

amusedbush · 10/02/2025 09:19

AngelicKaty · 09/02/2025 13:24

Good on your mum - it's not morbid at all - it's kind, considerate and common sense and I hope you love her even more for doing it. 😍BTW, do please open it - if only to make sure she hasn't password-protected it (given it contains highly sensitive info') and has forgotten to tell you. 😱😂

I think I'd fall off my chair in shock if my mum managed to password protect a spreadsheet 😅 but you're completely right; I really should have a look over it - and put a password on it myself!

Member984815 · 10/02/2025 11:40

SparkyBlue · 09/02/2025 09:30

@Member984815 many solicitors are now no longer doing POAs as the change of regulations have made it so complicated. My sister is doing them for my parents and is pulling her hair out with frustration at the system. This is the Irish system which is what the previous poster was referring to

I'm irish in Ireland. Its been a few years since my dh did it with his mother, shes a very forward thinking woman who is into future proofing so she doesnt burden us , as we are her only remaining family .

Member984815 · 10/02/2025 12:17

@SparkyBlue just out of interest I hunted down the registered letter it was 2022, must have changed since , you would think the government would want to make it easier not more difficult.

snoopyfanaccountant · 10/02/2025 12:25

wombat15 · 09/02/2025 21:03

Most people would feel pretty awful if their parents didn't have anyone at there funeral or if they didn't have a headstone.

Edited

A direct cremation doesn't prevent family and friends celebrating a person's life. I remember a direct cremation that I was involved with where the family and friends rented our service room for £200 and they played the deceased's favourite music whilst sharing memories and looking at photos. The total cost was £1200; the only thing different was that they didn't go to the crematorium.

BorgQueen · 10/02/2025 12:39

Doing Power of Attorney isn’t hard at all.
We’ve just done ours and as long as you follow the Signature ‘rules’ ( although there is no way on earth they could ever prove the order in which they were signed) it’s fine, if a bit of a faff.

taxguru · 10/02/2025 13:21

BorgQueen · 10/02/2025 12:39

Doing Power of Attorney isn’t hard at all.
We’ve just done ours and as long as you follow the Signature ‘rules’ ( although there is no way on earth they could ever prove the order in which they were signed) it’s fine, if a bit of a faff.

"Problems" with the POA forms will only arise if there's a disgruntled party, i.e. relative or friend who doesn't believe the wishes or intentions of the subject are being properly addressed or someone who believes they're being financially fleeced. If all the "nearest and dearest" on on the same page, then you can do what you like on the paperwork as there's no one who will complain/object. Of course, risky as there could be family disagreements etc arising afterwards and any anomalies like that are often remembered and complaints made later, sometimes even just for devilment!

Freddiefan · 10/02/2025 13:26

Many years ago I was at the family solicitors with my mum. As we were leaving he said 'here's a present, fill them in'. They were two of the old enduring power of attorney forms. We'd not heard of them before. Anyway we filled them in and what a blessing that was. My mum got dementia and I had to sell her house to pay for her to go into a home. It would have been much more difficult without that bit of paper.

ipredictariot5 · 10/02/2025 13:40

So my DF died suddenly without a will last year. I agree the funeral directors were so helpful but the biggest issue was access to money to pay for it. My DF did not share any financial info with my DM and we had to spend ages working out what he had and where it was. Plus he had ongoing financial commitments to family members. And the catering for the wake had to be paid for upfront even if the funeral director would defer their bill initially. Me and all my siblings immediately got into conflict about money and ended up getting a 8k loan but I was lucky to have a friend who could lend it to me.
not having a will was v simple as there are clear rules re intestacy and it did not take too long as he had a surviving wife.
so I am a fan of some sort of financial provision being as it was very stressful in the immediate days after he died

Nightjar33 · 10/02/2025 20:39

I don't understand why people are so selfish they won't sort these things out for their families.
I worked in an area where end of life plans were important. However even very elderly people's families would not put these things in place and left problems for those left behind.
I spoke to my parents and said I didn't want the distress of dealing with this when they were gone and explained the difficulties.
They allowed me to put funeral plans and Power of Attorney in place.
My husband and I then in our 50's did wills, funeral plans, power of attorney, put folders in place with all our details from NI numbers, left details of our finances.
Everything is in a folder for our family.
It's selfish not to sort things first your family.
Good luck speaking to them and explaining how you may feel in the event they pass and you have to deal with things.
We only discussed it at the time it's not something we bring up all of the time

MrsFunnyFanny · 12/02/2025 07:57

Martin Lewis posted this on X yesterday…

Elderly parents won't write wills or funeral plans.
Elderly parents won't write wills or funeral plans.
TheignT · 12/02/2025 19:18

taxguru · 10/02/2025 13:21

"Problems" with the POA forms will only arise if there's a disgruntled party, i.e. relative or friend who doesn't believe the wishes or intentions of the subject are being properly addressed or someone who believes they're being financially fleeced. If all the "nearest and dearest" on on the same page, then you can do what you like on the paperwork as there's no one who will complain/object. Of course, risky as there could be family disagreements etc arising afterwards and any anomalies like that are often remembered and complaints made later, sometimes even just for devilment!

I wonder that about no one checking if I have LPA for health and welfare, all my siblings cousins etc happy with it so care home and GP happy to go along with it.

Hoppingabout · 12/02/2025 20:28

TheignT · 12/02/2025 19:18

I wonder that about no one checking if I have LPA for health and welfare, all my siblings cousins etc happy with it so care home and GP happy to go along with it.

The carehome definitely needs to go along with it. There was a recent case where LPAs were registered and the carehome happily took payment of fees from attorneys using the PF LPA until there was a quibble about payment. The carehome then said there is no way the lady in care had capacity at the time of the signing of the LPAs so payments should not have been made by the attorneys using the LPA. Outrageous really.

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