Elderly parents won't write wills or funeral plans.

[Iaminthefly]

AIBU to be starting to get seriously stressed about it?

My parents are both mid 70s. I have been asking them for several years now to please sort out their wills and funeral plans. They keep saying they will but still haven't done it.

I am a lone parent of two young DC. No other real family support other than my parents. I have an older brother but given my DM still buys his food shopping it's doubtful how much help he would be.

I just really worried that I'm going to end up negotiating funerals and estates (niether of which I have any experience of) absolutely blind because they won't put anything in place. I also stress I'll make a complete balls up of it because I will be absolutely grief stricken.

I've asked and asked but they will not do it. Nobody likes facing their mortality but I'm starting to feel its quite selfish of them not to get it sorted out.

My mum has sorted hers all out last year. She is 76. Fit and healthy however I am no contact with my sibling due to their behaviour and I asked my mum to make things easier for me for when the inevitable happens as I don't want or need any arguments.

So my mum has sorted her will, POA, her funeral all paid and details of hymns etc.all written down. So that I can show my sibling that I'm fullfilling mums wish.

Funerals are paid directly by the bank out of the deceased funds - funeral director sends them the invoice, they pay it.
POA ceases once the person has died, so doesn’t help in any way to wind up their affairs.

OP @Iaminthefly the benefit of having wills and plans in place is that they get to choose how everything is executed. If they don’t, then it’s between you and your brother which means they may not have their wishes met.
If your mum wants buried then tell her it’s up to her to arrange a plot etc now otherwise she will be cremated as per your wishes. I wouldn’t bury a relative unless specifically arranged. I wouldn’t want a gravestone to visit etc so why would I bury them. My husband and I know each others wishes and will carry them out. I know my mums wishes and also will carry them out but she’s got a plot, although nothing else arranged but will do what she wants because she has a plan.

Firstly the intended deceased - OPs parents, haven’t made any requests regarding their funeral. Secondly, the deceased bank will pay the funeral directly out of the deceased account.

This is simply not true, all high street banks will pay the funeral invoice before probate.

The LPAs cost £82 each online (one for health and welfare, one for Property and Finances). The fees are reduced by half if the donor has an income of less than £12k p.a. You can also apply for exemption from fees if certain benefits are being claimed.
Where the situation is quite straightforward, it’s very easy to do it online (that’s what I did with my mum). Where someone has more complicated wishes or finances, I’d advise doing it through a solicitor. My father did this and I think it cost him close to £1000 for both LPAs.

Doesn’t the funeral director submit the bill to the bank? Presumably with a copy of the death certificate? And as regards death certificates, it’s as well to order plenty when registering a death - a lot of organisations want them, and they won’t accept photocopies. I ordered a dozen when registering DM’s death - there were two executors for her will, a few hundred miles apart! - and they both needed them.

You can hand everything over to a probate solicitor if you wish. You’re under no obligation to deal with a deceased persons estate.

Very true.

https://www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-sep-dec-2017/can-you-pay-funeral-expenses-out-of-the-estate/#:~:text=Funeral%20expenses%20can%20usually%20be,the%20complexity%20of%20the%20Estate.

See end of second paragraph. Barclays had no issue with this for my MiL.

You can hand everything over to a probate solicitor if you wish. You’re under no obligation to deal with a deceased persons estate.

This is very true. I did my dad's confirmation myself (we are in Scotland where probate is called confirmation) but there was no property involved as their house is in mum's sole name and it was just other assets like savings and insurance policies. I still needed to pay a solicitor to help with the completion of the forms as it is designed in Scotland to be complicated.

When mum goes and there is a house to be valued and sold, I will be using the solicitor a lot more.

You’re wrong - access to someone else’s bank accounts isn't automatic even with a will. It very much depends on the amount of money being held in the account, and each bank has a different figure.
I could access my DMs Virgin Money accounts which had £30K in it on sight of the will, but not my Stepfather's Lloyds account that had slightly less in until probate was sorted.

As a pp said, medical power of attorney is really important. It saved us when my late father became unable to speak for himself.

But he was extremely reluctant to give it, and he dragged his heels for ages. We only just got it in time, before he became more ill. His reluctance was very stressful and quite a worry. I feel for you, OP.

Yeah, my mum was exactly the same. She hated being referred to as elderly, old, or anything remotely similar.
I found her unconscious on her kitchen floor last week, after suffering a massive stroke. Nobody’s invincible unfortunately, however they may see themself.
i understand that nobody wants to think or talk about death and demise, but it certainly makes things much much easier for those of us who have to act in their interests when something so shocking does happen.

Most let you settle the bill when the estate is completed.

Sorry should have added to scroll down to the section on paying funeral costs from the estate. End of second paragraph in that section.

Unfortunately it isn’t that simple. Dying without a will can leave your family with serious stress… our Dparents did thankfully, very simple - everything to each other, and if they both pass everything between sibs equally.
Theres also a burial plot.
it doesn’t have to be more complicated images than that.

People who want to force their parents to make Wills and buy funeral plans are selfish, because it’s all about them. Selfishness works both ways.

On my side of the family, it’s really normal to have a funeral planned out, wills in place, affairs in order etc. I had power of attorney sorted for my parents years ago and it’s there should it be needed. There is a folder will wills in, details of pensions, accounts, phone numbers etc. If something happened to one of them, I could just grab the folder and go through it step by step.

My husband is desperate for his parents to do something similar and do some estate planning but they’re really reluctant and the emotional side is a blocker.

Absolute rubbish. The fall out is huge and I hope you never experience it.

@olympicsrock If your mother thinks she isn't elderly in her mid-seventies, she's in deep denial.

Hear hear.

This. I have no funeral plan and probably won't make/buy one. Whoever deals with my body can do what they like. My will is very simple. Everything is left to my executor to deal with how they please. In some ways, no will is easier because there can be no arguments over the rights and the wrongs of it, there is a legal system of distribution which must be followed. honestly I'd let the subject drop. OH and btw one of my relatives left a will and it caused more trouble both emotional and legal than if she hadn't!

But you need to be able to show that you have the authority to do so, and if the OP doesn't have power of attorney and she's not named in a will, she'll be out of luck.

HSBC released the funds for my DM's cremation. All I needed was an invoice from the funeral director. It's completely normal for this to happen.