Elderly parents won't write wills or funeral plans.

[Iaminthefly]

AIBU to be starting to get seriously stressed about it?

My parents are both mid 70s. I have been asking them for several years now to please sort out their wills and funeral plans. They keep saying they will but still haven't done it.

I am a lone parent of two young DC. No other real family support other than my parents. I have an older brother but given my DM still buys his food shopping it's doubtful how much help he would be.

I just really worried that I'm going to end up negotiating funerals and estates (niether of which I have any experience of) absolutely blind because they won't put anything in place. I also stress I'll make a complete balls up of it because I will be absolutely grief stricken.

I've asked and asked but they will not do it. Nobody likes facing their mortality but I'm starting to feel its quite selfish of them not to get it sorted out.

Yep that's whst happened with my mum.

This.

Leave them alone.

I agree they should do it. But on the positive side re funerals, my dh died young and suddenly with no preferences stated. That meant I could do whatever felt right at the time for us. I'm certain if he'd written his wishes he would have assumed nobody would want to be there. As it was, it was an amazing and healing celebration of his happier times, with so much help given by friends and family. Likewise I've been to funerals planned to the nth inch by the dying person and tbh they can be appallingly long too much.

The thing I was most relieved I had when dh died was his email password. Otherwise, institutions are in my experience pretty good about bereavement admin. There's always a lot to plough through but once you have copies of the death certificate the doors open and they are helpful. So try not to worry too much.

I agree 100% about wills - it’s just daft to neglect this, but funeral plans? TBH I wouldn’t expect this - despite the million TV ads urging people to do it!

Assuming there will be enough money eventually to pay for a funeral, you can arrange one when the time comes - you don’t even have to pay in advance. From experience, funeral companies will wait until probate is sorted out, which could be months away.

My grandmother had her funeral planned decades in advance, and an account to pay for it. Her wishes were very important to her. I think it's a way of making it easier for the grieving family , I'm irish though so culturally funerals are important.

My estranged DF didn't have a will, the Co op arranged a direct cremation though obviously if you want a funeral they will do that also.and I then used them for probate and they sorted out the Letters of Administration. Hardest thing is sorting out the belongings and gathering paperwork which you have to do whether there is a will or not

I just really worried that I'm going to end up negotiating funerals and estates (niether of which I have any experience of) absolutely blind because they won't put anything in place.

Well usually nobody does have experience of this until they have to do it for a parent.

Surely all you need to know about funerals is if they want to be buried or cremated and deal with that when the comes. If they won't even let you know that then just tell them cremation is the default approach if they don't tell you otherwise. Then stop hassling them about it.

As a pp said, unlikely they will die st the same time so at that point the remaining parent will automatically inherit everything. You can tackle that parent then about a will.

POA they absolutely should have. You could download and complete the forms yourself and just ask them to sign?

It depends how much is in the estate. The Intestacy Rules state that the first £322,000 goes to the spouse and then half the rest. The other half of the remainder is divided between the children. (A house owned as joint tenants will automatically go to the surviving owner).

A beneficiary can ask for their share immediately which may put a surviving spouse in a pickle. A will is better.

the deceaseds bank will pay for the funeral if there is money in the account - they don’t need a will or lpoa. There are intestancy laws for those without a will. There are procedures in place.

POA for both health and finance would be my first priority, we will include this at our next Will review, we are in our 50’s. If they do both become infirm, its very difficult without it.

A Will would be ideal, but as they're married everything will pass to the surviving spouse. Then between you and sibling.

Funeral - well thats for the living, so if they are not worried enough to express any wishes, you can do as you like.

OP be careful you aren't pressurising your parents into doing something they don't want to do (as this could invalidate anything they sign). I'd always go to a solicitor for this sort of thing particularly if your parents are elderly.

Exactly this. The POA ends on death and using the deceased’s password to access the account and remove money after their death is not allowed. But the bank will settle reasonable funeral costs direct to the funeral director if presented with a death certificate.

It's very hard not to read a disinclination to have your affairs in order as a "Fuck you, daughter, I don't care that you will have to do quite a lot of completely avoidable work when I am gone". My dad is like this now and it's making me angry about taking care of him in his last illness, which I am now doing. I don't care about his money but his estate will be a big complex mess and I can foresee having to get out loans to pay mortgages and so on while it is sorted. And no joke it will be months of work. He could easily have sorted this all out. He is presuming on my time - expecting me to pay, literally and figuratively, for his emotional avoidance.

I can't imagine ever not having things straight for my children.

Have you got your own will and funeral plans in place OP? I would make sure you do this, let your parents know you have done this and they you have done it because you want to make things as easy as possible for your loved ones and minimise suffering. Unlike them!

Oh and my dad didn't have a will or funeral wishes - tbh again if anything it made it easier, though perhaps helped by him not having a pot to piss in.

I'm not sure if the OP means paying for their funeral upfront which is often marketed as a "Funeral Plan" or is talking of planning their Funeral, like you'd plan any event, with what music you'd want etc.

Most of our families but a Funeral Plan as they age as it can be useful to reduce savings, shouts you need care. It also bloody really helps when you die

Yes i know but it can take a,while for that to be sorted out ( went through this with my dh estranged father) and in the mean time there is a still a deceased parent whose funeral needs arranging whose going to pay for that?.( untill bank accounts etc are closed)

Same here so I’m commenting to get advice aswell ❤️

Organising a funeral is not difficult and sorting out financial side and probate with death certificates not too onerous the difficulty is if they need care and things need paying without a POA the banks and other financial institutions even utility companies will not discuss their account or take instruction from you.

Haven't read it all so sorry if this is repeating stuff. You can go to the gov.uk site and do the LPA. It is easy to do and you could put in all the details and print it off for them to sign, it does need two witnesses and someone who knows them to say they understand it. I did my husbands yesterday took about ten minutes. Once we get it witnessed you pay and get it registered. I think it is eighty something pounds.

As to the funeral I've never had anyone in the family have a plan. Undertakers are very helpful. Usually one visit to give them the details of what you want and they sort it all.

Hopefully they won't die at the same time so you will probably be helping the remaining parent with a funeral anyway so will get an idea from that.

Honestly don't get too hung up on wills and pre-paid funeral plans if they aren't keen.

Ask them to write down their wishes for a funeral somewhere safe. Cremation or burial, religious or none religious service, hymns, flowers, readings etc. This is the biggest help.

The costs can be paid from the estate. Banks will release funds for this.

In terms of a will for a married couple with two adult children unless their situation is complex their will would probably be quite similar to what would happen if they die intestate. If the estate is large you might lose some ability to avoid inheritance tax but it isn't the end of the world.

Do try and get them to record what assets they hold and other key info like who their pension is with, what their NI number is etc.

In my experience banks release the money for the funeral even if financial stuff hasn't been sorted.

I don't understand why you are stressing so much now, they might be alive for 20 years more. If/when they die the funeral director will guide you through that process. You can then either use a solicitor or apply for probate yourself online, then the estate will be distributed according to the rules of intestacy. I think you might need to work on your anxiety if this is your major worry right now.

Agree with this. I would hate to think of my kids having a nightmare sorting it all out, but don’t know if it’s a generational thing?? Or maybe if they’ve had to do it for their parents they just feel like it’s the circle of life.