Elderly parents won't write wills or funeral plans.

[Iaminthefly]

AIBU to be starting to get seriously stressed about it?

My parents are both mid 70s. I have been asking them for several years now to please sort out their wills and funeral plans. They keep saying they will but still haven't done it.

I am a lone parent of two young DC. No other real family support other than my parents. I have an older brother but given my DM still buys his food shopping it's doubtful how much help he would be.

I just really worried that I'm going to end up negotiating funerals and estates (niether of which I have any experience of) absolutely blind because they won't put anything in place. I also stress I'll make a complete balls up of it because I will be absolutely grief stricken.

I've asked and asked but they will not do it. Nobody likes facing their mortality but I'm starting to feel its quite selfish of them not to get it sorted out.

Mid-seventies isn’t elderly! Quite harsh to be constantly badgering them about wills and funerals! Why not just ask them about funeral preferences and then just leave them alone. They probably think you are anxious to be rid of them.

@Member984815 many solicitors are now no longer doing POAs as the change of regulations have made it so complicated. My sister is doing them for my parents and is pulling her hair out with frustration at the system. This is the Irish system which is what the previous poster was referring to

A funeral plan isn't essential (and I say that as someone who used to sell them). You know your mum's wish to be buried and that's what matters. Many local authorities no longer sell burial plots until they are needed because many have been bought and then not used (I know someone who has a plot where he was born and another in the place he has lived for over 50 years).
Funeral expenses are a priority from the estate of the person who has died and the bank can pay the funeral director directly from their account, so family wouldn't be out of pocket or worrying about trying to cover the costs.

Mine too, in fact the banks proactively asked us if we wanted to release funds for the funeral and signposted us to the forms.

The funeral director also had options to delay payment if needed.

I'd also point out to them that if they have any wishes of what goes where that's all they are if there's no will. Wishes often don't happen.

Most likely one will die then their estate will pass to their spouse where it will either be eaten up with care fees or passed to you and your DB upon their death.

There are plenty of threads on MN though where no will has been left and the DParent had wishes for theor estate only for the surviving DP to remarry and the whole estate pass to the new stepparent.

My mum has a similar. There isn't much you can do. I have had casual conversations about favourite music she might like. We even got into a discussion about headstones she liked. So while the inheritance side of it is going to be messy, at least I have some direction on the funeral which I think will be the harder thing to sort out as it will be so soon after death. I'm.a designer so will draw the plan for the headstone myself.

Thinking about it, I should probably do that now rather then when it's needed as that's going to be hard.

Do they attend a church? That makes location of ceramony easier.

Funeral plan is a luxury not a necessity so for me that is find

a will on the other hand makes things an awful lot easier and straightforward

First off intestancy law vary and it isn’t as straightforward as being married inherits everything either. Plus if they have separate bank accounts access to them would be instant with a will - without it would take the granting of probate which having just done my FIL took 4 months and that was straightforward. All accounts would have to be found and checked to make sure no tax needs to be paid

doing a will takes no more than 2 hours and at their age can be done for free if pick the right time or for very little money. I find anyone who is not prepared to do one incredibly selfish because of the amount of work it leaves those who are left behind

This is very true. It is a lot of work and emotional to sort out belongings and maybe clear a house.

@ChompandaGrazia
Keeping your finances completely separate is a really bad idea. If your DH dies, it will be around 6-12months before you can access any of his money. All his accounts will close on death, then it needs to go through Probate before the estates pay out. If you have them in joint names, and he dies, you will continue to access the money in that joint account without restriction.

I know this because I lost my DH last year unexpectedly . Thank God we had some joint accounts (not all of them).

This is the most important point. A Will or LPA is not being done for yourself (you'll be dead or have no capacity to care). It's being done for the people that have to pick up the pieces.

Mid-seventies isn’t elderly!

Yes it is. Average age of death in the UK is 82, so by mid 70's the average person only has 7 years left. It's definitely elderly.

It's really unfair to leave family to deal with everything when it's very easy to make a will and lesson the stress for those you leave behind. I'm very glad my elderly parents have all this sorted, as do I.

Separate the two topics out.

There are pros and cons to funeral plans, and good reasons not to have one for some people.

There is no good reason not to have a will.

Talking about the two together is probably complicating things for you.

They should have wills (as should you) because not having one makes it very difficult for the people left behind. Focus on each other, if he dies then she potentially won’t be able to access anything joint or anything that’s his until has successfully proven that there isn’t a will.

It’s much harder to prove that there isn’t than it is to open the envelope and get on with following it

@x2boys banks will release money to pay for funerals, especially in cases like this where all the estate is going to children.

How complicated is your family?
My Dad died without a will or funeral plan. Getting the documents to officially do anything was a bit of a pain but the funeral parlour made planning the funeral fairly easy.

To inherit, there was only my sibling and I. It was a lot of work to clear and sell his house, track down all his debts and assets etc but a will wouldn't have helped with that.

DH and I have wills but that's because there are step children involved who could otherwise be disinherited if he died first and I decided to run off with all his money.

Yanbu about the wills.

yabu about funeral plans.

Undertakers will guide you through it all when the time comes if nothing else is in place, but if it’s stressing you, is there any reason that you couldn’t research it yourself now and have a rough plan in place for your own peace of mind.

My parents had no plans similar to yours op. It was a muddle to sort out. But there was no property to sell or money or inheritance to deal with so easier in that respect.

I hear you op.

My mum refused to engage with any discussion about POA or wills, despite facing some horribly serious health stuff. Unfortunately she died quite suddenly in the end and it fell to me (single parent, 2 dc, working full time) to sort everything out.

Funeral wishes became about practicality and affordability - in your case I suppose it depends on what the surviving parent decides after the first dies, but in the absence of written or verbal wishes (and without a pre-paid plan even wishes are just that) you will have to make decisions that suit the circumstances and finances at the time.

Without a will intestacy rules apply but there is no margin for 'id like the dgc to have £x, or aunt Carol can have the ring she's always loved'.

My will has been done since I was 40 and needs revising but the bones of it are still good. It's the best gift you can leave for your DC I think

It's infuriating, I agree. But you can't force people to discuss funeral plans. You're just winding yourself up, and you are not a mind reader.

When the time comes, get them a straightforward funeral service.

The bank will release funds for a funeral. It’s quite common for a funeral director to be paid directly from the deceased account. Obviously if there’s no money it’s harder but if there’s cash then funeral costs takes priority over everything else even debts.

Look up ‘the rules of intestacy’, if their will would follow that then they don’t need a Will, and if they’ve got cash available then they don’t need a funeral plan, you just send their funeral invoice to their bank and the bank will pay it from their account. You don’t need their passwords, you just send the death certificate to their banks and they will then send you the forms to close them once you have got probate.

I have had a hellish time due to my parents denial. Quite happy to share if anybody wants to message.
It helps if affairs are in order.

Doesn't that depend on how much money you have? I have money in the bank and so does DH. It wouldn't really matter if we had to wait a year. We'd also inherit half of each others pensions. We dont want joint accounts and don't need them. It isn't a bad idea for us.

The rules of intestacy will ensure once they're both gone you and your brother will inherit the lot

The male will assume he should have more.

Let Them is a nice money maker isn't it?

I’d be more concerned with how to help them if they lose capacity they should set up powers of attorney. By this point I’d arrange a solicitor to come and visit them at home. It doesn’t sound like money is the issue so even if the first time is a wasted visit it’s worth it to scare them of consequences of not sorting these things out.

Unfortunately dying without a will can leave a slow expensive nightmare behind, especially for younger people who have dependents relying on the money. It's the most considerate thing you can do. It's absolutely not to be left until you are old. Also the POAs, we are in the middle of using those at the moment.

I have found an angle with my dad is to say "if you don't put this in order the government/solicitors will end up having most of it".