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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this reaction is self absorbed.

377 replies

Mrsmozza123 · 08/02/2025 23:12

So. Everyone is fine but.
I went to check on my 4 year DS while he was sleeping. He'd taken his duvet out of the cover got inside the duvet cover and wrapped himself in it. I found him tangled and for a terrible split second I thought he could have strangled or suffocated. He was fine, a bit hot but definitely breathing and moving. Thank goodness.
I called my DH for help a few times and he shouted back "Yes?".
Eventually once I knew DS was safe I went downstairs to tell DH what had happened. I was really shaken.
DH seemed more concerned that i was having a go at him for not coming upstairs. I really wasn't.
I was expecting him to hug me or say thank goodness he's OK, to share my concern.

Instead he was saying "well you didn't sound very panicked, how was it supposed to know you needed me?"
And
"Sounds like you've just come downstairs to have a go at me"
I just walked off, I've had a little cup of tea and a cry on my own because I can't sleep.

OP posts:
RobinHeartella · 08/02/2025 23:18

Whose reaction was self absorbed, yours or dh's? Not being goady, genuinely not sure what you're asking.

Is your 4yo disabled? I just reread and it's not clear. (I think it's impossible for an able-bodied 4yo to strangle himself with blankets, even if he was somehow trying to.)

If your 4yo is disabled, that must be a lot to deal with each day so you and dh are just a bit snappy from exhaustion?

If he's not disabled...then it sounds like a real non-event and I'm not sure why you're crying about it.

Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 08/02/2025 23:26

@RobinHeartella Im questioning The reaction of my DH which I've described in my post.

What about my post suggests to you that my DS is disabled?
He'd dismantled his bedding and tangled himself up in it with sheets round his neck and over his face. It was horrifying.(able/disabled doesn't seem relevant)

OP posts:
RobinHeartella · 08/02/2025 23:33

Mrsmozza123 · 08/02/2025 23:26

@RobinHeartella Im questioning The reaction of my DH which I've described in my post.

What about my post suggests to you that my DS is disabled?
He'd dismantled his bedding and tangled himself up in it with sheets round his neck and over his face. It was horrifying.(able/disabled doesn't seem relevant)

I just wondered because I don't think an able bodied child aged 4 can possibly suffocate in their own blankets. If their face/nose/mouth are get covered up they wake up, and a reflex action pushes their arms and legs till they break free. And they'd be yelling for help as they struggle.

If he had some kind of disability that meant he couldn't roll over unaided for example, then your fear makes more sense. Or on very strong drowsy medication...?

Or unless you meant 4 weeks/months old, not 4 years old...?

If you have a healthy, able bodied 4yo child, then sorry to sound harsh but it's a bit bonkers that you're worrying about him suffocating in his own blankets. It's impossible.

Edit to clarify I'm not talking about choking on food which can happen at any age.

Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 08/02/2025 23:40

@RobinHeartella You didn't see what I saw, he took his duvet out of the cover and was tangled in his duvet cover with it over his face. It was truly horrifying for that second when i walked in all I could see was his head wrapped in fabric.
Then I tell my husband and he is annoyed I'm supposedly having a go at him. No support, he just cared about himself.

OP posts:
ThatsNotMyTeen · 08/02/2025 23:42

You sound a bit over dramatic if I’m honest.

Thewholeplaceglitters · 08/02/2025 23:45

You sound very dramatic. 4yo a bit tangled in their blankets is hardly horrifying.

And now crying because your DH hasn’t given you the reaction you wanted. Chill.

Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 08/02/2025 23:45

@ThatsNotMyTeen in what way exactly?
For being upset after walking in on my year old son with fabric wrapped around his neck and over his face? I couldn't see him breathing.

Has that happened to you?

OP posts:
thebolter25 · 08/02/2025 23:45

I think you should have a chat with him again about it tomorrow and explain how it made you feel. I totally get why you're upset, you were obviously really worried and instead of feeling supported and comforted by your husband you got the opposite.

If it makes you feel any better, to me he sounds like most men. They don't move quickly whether you sound panicked or not, unfortunately most of them just can't read between the lines. Maybe he was shaken up by what you'd said but wasn't able to express his feelings in that moment, his reaction could have been displaced.

Glad your little one is ok, get some sleep and chat to hubby tomorrow x

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 08/02/2025 23:46

Sorry OP but you do seem to have rather over reacted in this instance. However, in saying that, if you were really shouting for your DH, as you would if you thought your child might have died, then yes, he was an arsehole not to have shifted himself to come and check what was happening. Sounds like when you told him what you thought had happened, he went on the defensive because he knew he should have come to see what had happened.

CulturalNomad · 08/02/2025 23:48

I think you had a moment of real panic and it left you feeling really shook up and anxious. Your husband however didn't see anything and probably can't understand why you're so upset because your son was "tangled" in his bedding.

It sounds like just a miscommunication. Maybe explain to him just how panicked you felt in the moment and that you were just looking for a bit of compassion and reassurance from him.

As a mother I can relate to those moments of sheer panic (even if not completely rational), but I don't really think your husband's reaction was particularly awful.

RobinHeartella · 08/02/2025 23:48

Gently, I think you are the one being self-absorbed here. (Assuming 4yo is healthy able bodied etc). It is a total non event. Your child was never in danger.

I understand, in the dark, for a split second, you panicked. OK but once you realised he's fine (of course), most people would then laugh about it.

Instead you use very dramatic language "eventually" you found he was fine (it must have taken 2 seconds?) You called to your dh for "help" - why not just wake DS up if you were genuinely so afraid?

And now you've retreated to a room alone to cry. Yes, you are being a bit self absorbed. He's fine! Of course...! Healthy 4yos are strong enough to attempt to lift a bedsheet off their face rather than just lie there and silently suffocate without a struggle.

He's not a newborn any more.

Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 08/02/2025 23:49

@RobinHeartella @ThatsNotMyTeen @Thewholeplaceglitters You are not nice people.

I couldn't tell he was breathing, he had fabric round his neck and over his face and red marks on his neck from the sheets. I honestly thought something dreadful had happened.

DH didn't care but I thought i would have got a hand hold from other mothers on here.

OP posts:
fitnessmummy · 08/02/2025 23:53

That's so awful and scary, I'm so glad your child is ok. Your husband probably doesn't realise how much it has affected you but he should have been more supportive

Mozzarellaballs · 08/02/2025 23:53

It does sound bad OP, don't know how people are saying it's not.

Thewholeplaceglitters · 08/02/2025 23:54

OP I’m editing because you obviously need reassurance.

I’m sorry you were so scared. I hope you can find a way for your dc to sleep that will feel safer to you in future.

RobinHeartella · 08/02/2025 23:54

I don't see what I've said on this thread makes me not a nice person. I'm trying to reassure you, explaining that humans have reflex actions than mean we use our limbs to push obstructions off us if we stop breathing in our sleep. As soon as your child is strong enough to lift the blanket, he is no longer at risk of spontaneous death by suffocation in bed (assuming able bodied, no health conditions etc).

I have a 4yo and a 1yo. I'm not even worried about my 1yo suffocating in bed. If the duvet briefly covers his face he kicks and yells so I know he needs help.

If you have previous form for unrealistic catastrophising, that gives context to your dh's reaction. Like the Boy who Cried Wolf

Changingplace · 08/02/2025 23:55

Ok, so if it was so stressful what did you shout to DH? Just his name? Did you call that you needed his help or you thought it was an emergency? If not then how was he to know what was going on?

Titasaducksarse · 08/02/2025 23:56

Mrsmozza123 · 08/02/2025 23:45

@ThatsNotMyTeen in what way exactly?
For being upset after walking in on my year old son with fabric wrapped around his neck and over his face? I couldn't see him breathing.

Has that happened to you?

4 year old son you say in the original post

Sockmate123 · 08/02/2025 23:58

Sounds like you got an awful fright OP, I really feel for you. Your DH sounds like mine. Absolutely everything is back to him and how he is the victim in every scenario 🙄

GouacheEnthusiast · 08/02/2025 23:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 00:01

RobinHeartella · 08/02/2025 23:54

I don't see what I've said on this thread makes me not a nice person. I'm trying to reassure you, explaining that humans have reflex actions than mean we use our limbs to push obstructions off us if we stop breathing in our sleep. As soon as your child is strong enough to lift the blanket, he is no longer at risk of spontaneous death by suffocation in bed (assuming able bodied, no health conditions etc).

I have a 4yo and a 1yo. I'm not even worried about my 1yo suffocating in bed. If the duvet briefly covers his face he kicks and yells so I know he needs help.

If you have previous form for unrealistic catastrophising, that gives context to your dh's reaction. Like the Boy who Cried Wolf

It was just a horrifying fright in the moment.
I needed a hug and not for my feelings to be minimised.
I'm not one for overreacting but I really thought something bad had happened to him.

OP posts:
MrsPinkSky · 09/02/2025 00:01

Mrsmozza123 · 08/02/2025 23:45

@ThatsNotMyTeen in what way exactly?
For being upset after walking in on my year old son with fabric wrapped around his neck and over his face? I couldn't see him breathing.

Has that happened to you?

It's just a duvet cover though - a thin piece of material that he got into like a sleeping bag.

He would've been far hotter under the actual duvet and I too, don't understand how he could've 'strangled' himself? 😳

If my DH expected me to cuddle him and say "Phew, at least our child is ok", I'd think he'd lost the plot.

Sorry.

Bodybutterblusher · 09/02/2025 00:04

Most of us have had terrifying moments that don't sound particularly rational to other people. This was clearly very real for you.

I think that if you were asking if he heard you while very upset, it may have come over more accusatory than you intended.

He probably does not understand the emotion you were feeling as at that point you knew there was no danger.

I don't know if this is a one off for you but if it happens a lot people do tend to get frustrated. Had you presented in a way that was very consistent with what you wanted him to do, of course it would be kind for him to have done it. But based on what you have said here, I think it's very unlikely that he got the right cues from you. But don't worry, I do believe your emotions were completely valid and you've had an awful shock.

backpnceagain · 09/02/2025 00:04

OP keep in mind you've posted on a Saturday night on AIBU, take some of the scoffing replies with a hefty dose of salt. I can see how it would have frightened you in the moment and the panic can hit us as tears in the aftermath. Your husband might be having his own reaction to realising he could've moved quicker and maybe doesn't want it pointed out so he's throwing it back at you. You did the right thing and ensured your son is safe, take a breath and rest and step away from the vultures on MN who will just harp on about how much they disagree with you. Hope you're ok.

EggshellAttic · 09/02/2025 00:05

I think you got a fright, overreacted, and lashed out at your DH because he didn’t share your concern. Now you’re lashing out at posters telling you you overreacted.