To think this reaction is self absorbed.

[Mrsmozza123]

So. Everyone is fine but.
I went to check on my 4 year DS while he was sleeping. He'd taken his duvet out of the cover got inside the duvet cover and wrapped himself in it. I found him tangled and for a terrible split second I thought he could have strangled or suffocated. He was fine, a bit hot but definitely breathing and moving. Thank goodness.
I called my DH for help a few times and he shouted back "Yes?".
Eventually once I knew DS was safe I went downstairs to tell DH what had happened. I was really shaken.
DH seemed more concerned that i was having a go at him for not coming upstairs. I really wasn't.
I was expecting him to hug me or say thank goodness he's OK, to share my concern.

Instead he was saying "well you didn't sound very panicked, how was it supposed to know you needed me?"
And
"Sounds like you've just come downstairs to have a go at me"
I just walked off, I've had a little cup of tea and a cry on my own because I can't sleep.

I think I've been quite clear that I didn't over react. I went to tell DH in a calm way and he shouted at me.

I was horrified at the time, then disappointed at DHs reaction. I later had a little cry with a cuppa on my own about the whole thing. I'm annoyed about DH having a pop at me when he could have just listened to me but that's the extent of it.

Lots of people on here have embellished my reaction and made me seem crazy and hysterical.
You must be mainly reading other people's posts and not my account of what happened.

Well he certainly shouldn't have shouted at you. That's horrible. No need for it.

This thread is wild.

I called my DH for help a few times and he shouted back "Yes?"

Calling your child’s other parent when you’ve had a shock and need a hand to sort out tangled bedding, while trying to not to wake your child, isn’t overreacting, dramatics, unhelpful or damaging to your child. It’s what most people would do. And most loving co-parents/partners would pop up to check if everything was OK and help sort it out.

Unless they’re in a couple where the expectation is the father sits on his arse, while the mother takes sole responsibility for checking on and seeing to their child. When she already lone-parents for weeks on end while he’s working away.

He didn’t come up. So, rather than calling him any more and risk waking her child or running downstairs to ask him for help, OP got on with it on her own. As she would have done, and no doubt has done many times, when he’s away.

OP wasn’t looking for views on her mothering. But for views on her DH’s partnering.

But clearly some people excuse a guy being an unsupportive a-hole by suggesting it’s the woman’s fault for being too needy.

“He can only be on the defensive if you’ve gone in on the attack in some way’.

What an utterly fucking ridiculous statement - even for MN. OP’s assessment of the situation was an over reaction, but that doesn’t absolve her DH of his totally inappropriate reaction in any way. He should have got his lazy arse off the sofa and gone to help. He knew that, and that’s why he reacted the way he did when OP came downstairs and he realised how panicked she was. His reaction was to push back so he didn’t have to take responsibility for that. It’s pathetic.

Different people have differently set up arousal systems. It’s due to a mixture of genetics, mothers stress during gestation, life events and circumstances and lifestyle.

I totally appreciate that but it's not healthy to have an adrenaline response that goes on for hours after the event, that's going to raise cortisol levels through the roof. Obviously people can't help it to a certain extent but it's something that can be recognised and worked on.

Whilst that is true, I think I assumed it from the first post just because I recognised the pattern in my own DH. It’s fair enough though to be disappointed in his response even from just the first post. As more detail emerges (which isn’t necessarily deliberate drip feeding and just adding to the context as the discussion emerged) it’s really clear that he is a twat.

@Rosscameasdoody yeah?
I called my DH for help a few times and he shouted back "Yes?".
Eventually once I knew DS was safe I went downstairs to tell DH what had happened. I was really shaken.
DH seemed more concerned that i was having a go at him for not coming upstairs. I really wasn't.

So how exactly does her DH get from her being shaken when telling the story to DH getting the idea she was upset he hadn't got up? Given she'd totally sorted it?
Of course she mentioned him not going up.

So? I don’t see the relevance to this thread. If the OP has some past trauma and is hyper vigilant and reactive, she needs our empathy. If her response is an average response to seeing your child in a state that makes you think they have died, she needs our empathy.

There is nothing helpful about nitpicking her posts, her reactions or her adrenal response.

Let me explain for you. Here are three possible ways this could have gone:

1. She called her husband he came up to help they then both look at each other with a ‘phew!’ Expression and get a cuppa together. She felt supported and her adrenaline response soothed more quickly and no post required here.

2 she called her husband. He didn’t come. She sorted it and then goes and tells him. He says ‘blimey that must have been a shock’ makes her a cuppa and gives her a cuddle and her adrenaline is soothed and no post on here required.

3 she called him, he didn’t come, she goes and tells him what happened. She sounds annoyed so he asks her if she’s annoyed. She says ‘no, just the adrenaline from thinking something bad. But I’d have liked you to come and help to be honest’ he says ‘oh sorry, I was engrossed in the football and it didn’t sound serious. You’ve had a bit of a shock. Thanks for sorting it.’ Cuppa and cuddle. Adrenaline soothed. No thread needed.

Instead what happened was she called him, he ignored, she sorted it, she went to tell him, he got defensive and shouted at her, likely raising her adrenaline further, certainly making it harder to then self sooth. Leaving her feeling on her own with that (and probably feeling like this often - so a sense of ‘here we go again - on my own) so tears understandably came, as did turning to MN to check her reality due to the DARVO/gaslighting he did - leaving her baffled and frustrated. Instead of insightful wisdom and seeing this for what it is, she then gets gaslit by some here too.

I don't think I ever said I had an adrenaline response that went on for hours.

I said i had a cuppa and a little cry.

Can everyone pleeeeeeeease stop putting words in my mouth and making me look crazy.

You really don’t need to defend yourself. Those of us that get it, get it. Those that don’t you aren’t going to get to shift.

Your reaction was, of course, totally normal. You know it, I know it, lots of us on here know it. The difficulty is your first post doesn’t mention the shouting and anger. I read between the lines and saw it because I assumed he’s like my DH. Most will assume he is an otherwise normal loving husband whom you must have had a go at, otherwise why would he be defensive? I think I have your DH’s card marked though. I’d bet good money on him fitting the bill for a narcissist personality style.

I don't think this over-psycho-analysis is helpful. I've never heard the phrase "self soothe" used for grown adults. The phrase I'd use is "calm oneself down".

[dh] gives her a cuddle and her adrenaline is soothed

Op isn't her dh's child! Really strange infantilising of op here.

I can see you're trying to defend op against us so-called "vipers" (well meaning mumsnetters trying to give sensible suggestions/reassurance) but I think you're making her seem more helpless than she actually is

I feel a little sad for you that you don't think people should go to their partners for comfort when upset or stressed.
I'm a grown ass independent woman but there are times when a cuddle and a cuppa are lovely.

I think we are talking at cross purposes. Of course small children need a cuddle with their parents to be soothed. Pp was talking about you and your husband, not a small child and his parent.

I thought it was very patronising towards you but if you're cool with it then no problem.

Edit - ah I see you've changed parent to partner. This makes my reply irrelevant

In a partnership, if one person is upset, then the usual and healthy response is empathy and offering compassion. You might not like my language, but my point stands. The ONLY reason the OP had a cry on her own and came on here is because her DH acted like a cold hearted twat. If he’d offered some empathy/compassion or even just refrained from shouting, no thread needed and probably no tears.

I certainly don’t view the OP as helpless. I think she has stood her ground and stood up for herself in here admirably. I’d have backed down and disappeared ages ago. I have huge respect for that.

Self soothing is a phrase from Compassion focused therapy as well as around sleep training. CFT talks about our threat, drive and sooth systems. When our threat system has been activated we need our soothing system to kick in. In close relationships if our threat system is activated a cuddle or hug or some compassion helps us to sooth ourselves. It’s not psychoanalytic- it’s just human nature and human relationships. Basics and fundamentals. You see it in mammals too.

Me too and I have some fantastic friends that are there for me if I need a cuppa and a hug. I can’t rely on DH for that. I hope you have friends like that too. ☕️ 🤗

but it did go on for hours,

you wrote your thread at 11.15pm ish, said at one point it was 10pm ish you had checked your son and you were replying to your thread until 2.30am ish in the morning.

either you and your husband are late night people or he went to bed.

then you were back on the thread early this morning and have returned to it for most of the day

what has your son and husband done all day whilst you were still going through this ?

"I've had a little cup of tea and a cry on my own because I can't sleep" - This was an hour after you said it happened.
And you continued talking about it until after 2:30 in the morning.

It sounds like a big overreaction to a millisecond of worry, as you describe it. And that you "called DH repeatedly for help", with sorting your son's duvet cover.

Surely you can see that sounds like a woman making a mountain out of a molehill that a partner might reasonably tune out? There was no danger; you saw that "in a fraction of a second" according to your OP and knew your son was fine.

It all sounds like a bunch of unnecessary drama. But however this thread goes, the important thing is a 4 year old boy is totally fine - and was playing "camouflage" in his room, which is very sweet.

@Thatissimplyuntrue Well yes you can have empathy and attempt to give constructive advice at the same time. I completely have empathy for her and yes I do agree the thread has been focused more on her reaction to the whole thing rather than her dh being a bit of a knob. I haven't commented too much on that side of things because I can't think of anything constructive to say and I obviously don't know the ins and outs of their relationship. I generally ping off responses on threads between running around after 2 crazy kids so sometimes I probably don't always come across as intended.

I'm not making you look crazy i have never once implied that. Il quote you now. I do have a tendency to read things literally too.

"A couple of hours of natural adrenaline response" apologies if I've mis interpreted.
To me that read as if you were in "fight or flight" mode for hours

True. One minute it's a short time, then it's hours, back to being a short time.....

OP also said she didn't have a chance to respond as her DH was yelling. But hasn't responded to what she'd said before:

In my OP I said, I went downstairs and told him what had happened.
Like "fck, that was horrible I just found our DS tangled in his sheet...he'd done x,y,z and j really panicked for a minute"
DH "why didn't you shout louder"
Me "He's fine now but I was shouting for you to help. I'm just a bit shaken now but hes OK"
DH "why are you just coming downstairs to have a go at me"
Me "I'm not, I'm just a bit upset I thought for a moment something awful had happened"
DH [Raises voice] "Well it just sounds like you came down to have a go at me"*

People come on here for support with genuine issues, that doesn't mean infantalising or pandering to someone if it doesn't add up.

OP's response to her DC was valid, her response to her DH is also valid.

However, she doesn't think his response is valid. Fair enough, but some on here disagree, which is to be expected as not everyone can agree on the same thing.
But OP isn't having it.

Like I said before, there's no self reflection or awareness.

With adrenaline pumping, most would admit there's a chance they may have raised their voice, even if they don't recall doing so.

But not OP. She's right, DH is wrong, anyone who disagrees or questions her is wrong. That in itself says a lot.

Not to say DH should have raised his voice, but usually, people don't argue in whispered/normal voices.

Craziest thread on MN for a long while! The over-invested, passive aggressive posters are outing themselves.

OP I can't believe you have the patience to keep justifying yourself, especially with pushing crazy narratives onto you (and purposefully misunderstanding...)

Ignore them!

I agree. I've seen the same nasty, PA responses all over MN this weekend.