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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this reaction is self absorbed.

377 replies

Mrsmozza123 · 08/02/2025 23:12

So. Everyone is fine but.
I went to check on my 4 year DS while he was sleeping. He'd taken his duvet out of the cover got inside the duvet cover and wrapped himself in it. I found him tangled and for a terrible split second I thought he could have strangled or suffocated. He was fine, a bit hot but definitely breathing and moving. Thank goodness.
I called my DH for help a few times and he shouted back "Yes?".
Eventually once I knew DS was safe I went downstairs to tell DH what had happened. I was really shaken.
DH seemed more concerned that i was having a go at him for not coming upstairs. I really wasn't.
I was expecting him to hug me or say thank goodness he's OK, to share my concern.

Instead he was saying "well you didn't sound very panicked, how was it supposed to know you needed me?"
And
"Sounds like you've just come downstairs to have a go at me"
I just walked off, I've had a little cup of tea and a cry on my own because I can't sleep.

OP posts:
GoldFishPocketWatch · 09/02/2025 01:31

I don't know why you're getting such a negative response here. If I came and found one of my children looking like they could have smothered themselves/got stuck in something around their face/neck I would be terrified!! Thank goodness it was okay. Yes sheets are probably breathable but I would have been scared too.

Sorry your husband didn't appreciate the fright you had I hope you manage to get some rest soon OP.

Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 01:38

So this is hilarious.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5157871-to-overreact-and-panic-about-the-dog

Similar situation, split second panic concerning a dogs life and there is an outpouring of compassion.

I post about a momentary panic regarding a 4 year old child and I get told I'm hysterical and need therapy.

People are ridiculous.

Thanks for the kind words from a few. Off to peek in on my little fidget bug and get myself off to bed.

To overreact and panic about the dog? | Mumsnet

I got up to go to the loo. DDog has his own bed in our bedroom but isn't generally allowed on our bed as he gets it all hairy. He knows this bu...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5157871-to-overreact-and-panic-about-the-dog

OP posts:
FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 01:39

Judging by your reactions to posters here (and the telling drip feeds of "well actually it wasn't just the duvet, he was wrapped in his bed sheets and had his slippers in bed" and your version of what you said, conveniently much later posted) I'd hazard a guess that you came down and, perhaps unintentionally, snapped a bit at him and he felt defensive from your tone.

Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 01:40

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 01:39

Judging by your reactions to posters here (and the telling drip feeds of "well actually it wasn't just the duvet, he was wrapped in his bed sheets and had his slippers in bed" and your version of what you said, conveniently much later posted) I'd hazard a guess that you came down and, perhaps unintentionally, snapped a bit at him and he felt defensive from your tone.

I have said I didn't.

Drip feeds don't feel massively relevant, I thight people would just take my word that it looked dangerous to me.

OP posts:
GravyBoatWars · 09/02/2025 01:40

I didn't think I had a reason to be annoyed with him and wasn't so it was pretty surprising he lashed out at me.

OP it sounds like you and your DH are both feeling the same way - you both think the other was unfairly having a go and were hurt and angry because those are normal emotions when we feel like we're being unfairly blamed for something.

Honestly it sounds like there might be a pattern of communication where each of you assumes the worst of the other and it just becomes a feedback loop. That can be hard to work through and it's not going to happen tonight. Get some rest and you can try to clear up the miscommunication in the daylight.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 01:41

Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 01:38

So this is hilarious.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5157871-to-overreact-and-panic-about-the-dog

Similar situation, split second panic concerning a dogs life and there is an outpouring of compassion.

I post about a momentary panic regarding a 4 year old child and I get told I'm hysterical and need therapy.

People are ridiculous.

Thanks for the kind words from a few. Off to peek in on my little fidget bug and get myself off to bed.

I don't call 6 replies "an outpouring"
You've probably had more than that replying in support here

And I bet if you found the other post, as someone mentions its a double post, you'd find people telling OP she was being ridiculous

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 01:42

Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 01:40

I have said I didn't.

Drip feeds don't feel massively relevant, I thight people would just take my word that it looked dangerous to me.

Edited
Show quote history

And he might say you did

You want sympathy so you would say "I didn't". You might not even have realised you did it

Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 01:43

GravyBoatWars · 09/02/2025 01:40

I didn't think I had a reason to be annoyed with him and wasn't so it was pretty surprising he lashed out at me.

OP it sounds like you and your DH are both feeling the same way - you both think the other was unfairly having a go and were hurt and angry because those are normal emotions when we feel like we're being unfairly blamed for something.

Honestly it sounds like there might be a pattern of communication where each of you assumes the worst of the other and it just becomes a feedback loop. That can be hard to work through and it's not going to happen tonight. Get some rest and you can try to clear up the miscommunication in the daylight.

There seems to be a lot of people pointing out patterns.
I'd be interested to know where that's coming from since I'm posting about an isolated incident.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 01:44

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 01:42

And he might say you did

You want sympathy so you would say "I didn't". You might not even have realised you did it

Show quote history

I genuinely didn't.
I said it was fine that he didn't come up. I don't know how much clearer i could have been.

OP posts:
GoldFishPocketWatch · 09/02/2025 01:48

Wow let OP have a moment to feel her feelings after having a huge fright before you all pile in to say she's self absorbed and overreacting!

Who wouldn't be panicked if they thought something terrible had happened to their child? And if you had that experience, wouldn't you expect your life partner to see that you've just had a massive fright and be kind/supportive? Presumably if he had a massive fright thinking his child was hurt or dead he would appreciate a moment of support too.

Also kind of regardless of DH's reaction, I don't think OP's reaction is strange or OTT at all. Id be the same and I'm very much a calm person who is good in a crisis.

Also not sure why everyone is so sure that duvets covers could never pose any risk at all. Why do you think that!?

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 01:49

Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 01:44

I genuinely didn't.
I said it was fine that he didn't come up. I don't know how much clearer i could have been.

Show quote history

Yes but "I'm fine" can be said in a 100 different ways that changes the meaning whilst not actually saying anything more
You might think you said it as "Oh I'm fine but wow that was scary" but it came out or he heard it as "I'm fucking fine. Don't bother to come running when I'm panicking you arse"

GravyBoatWars · 09/02/2025 01:51

Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 01:43

There seems to be a lot of people pointing out patterns.
I'd be interested to know where that's coming from since I'm posting about an isolated incident.

Show quote history

You said in one of your replies

"I could see it heading to an argument so I dropped it.
It's a common theme sadly."

So I assumed that this wasn't a weird isolated incident in a relationship where communication is great. That pattern I described is a common one and it manifests in these sorts of spirals - neither of you are giving the other the benefit of the doubt that you'd like to be extended to you.

Pippinsdiary · 09/02/2025 01:53

I don’t think you sound ridiculous. I walked in recently and my 3yo had rolled off the bed slightly into her bed guard with her head trapped down and her body on the bed. For a split second a wave of dread/horror (I can’t even explain it) flooded through me thinking she had strangled herself. Not even sure that’s possible thinking about it

I was shaking for ages after I couldn’t get the sight out of my head

I’m not sure your husband has done anything wrong though, he obviously doesn’t understand what you saw or how you felt in that moment

MagnusCanis · 09/02/2025 01:56

Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 01:44

I genuinely didn't.
I said it was fine that he didn't come up. I don't know how much clearer i could have been.

Show quote history

All you had to do was say to him "false alarm, but god that scared me for a moment. I really need a hug now".

Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 01:58

Pippinsdiary · 09/02/2025 01:53

I don’t think you sound ridiculous. I walked in recently and my 3yo had rolled off the bed slightly into her bed guard with her head trapped down and her body on the bed. For a split second a wave of dread/horror (I can’t even explain it) flooded through me thinking she had strangled herself. Not even sure that’s possible thinking about it

I was shaking for ages after I couldn’t get the sight out of my head

I’m not sure your husband has done anything wrong though, he obviously doesn’t understand what you saw or how you felt in that moment

Thanks for sharing. That sounds scary, It's that sinking feeling something isn't right. It is hard to explain.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 01:59

MagnusCanis · 09/02/2025 01:56

All you had to do was say to him "false alarm, but god that scared me for a moment. I really need a hug now".

Show quote history

Pretty much what I said. "He's fine now I'm just really shaken"
That's why I was so dossapointed at his reaction being one of anger.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 02:01

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 01:49

Yes but "I'm fine" can be said in a 100 different ways that changes the meaning whilst not actually saying anything more
You might think you said it as "Oh I'm fine but wow that was scary" but it came out or he heard it as "I'm fucking fine. Don't bother to come running when I'm panicking you arse"

Show quote history

You've misquoted me there.

OP posts:
MagnusCanis · 09/02/2025 02:08

Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 01:59

Pretty much what I said. "He's fine now I'm just really shaken"
That's why I was so dossapointed at his reaction being one of anger.

Show quote history

Not buying it. He didn't get from there to here all by himself:

Instead he was saying "well you didn't sound very panicked, how was it supposed to know you needed me?"

Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 02:11

MagnusCanis · 09/02/2025 02:08

Not buying it. He didn't get from there to here all by himself:

Instead he was saying "well you didn't sound very panicked, how was it supposed to know you needed me?"

Show quote history

Ok

OP posts:
FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 02:18

Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 02:01

You've misquoted me there.

Show quote history

You've missed the point

Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 02:20

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 01:41

I don't call 6 replies "an outpouring"
You've probably had more than that replying in support here

And I bet if you found the other post, as someone mentions its a double post, you'd find people telling OP she was being ridiculous

Show quote history

Just thought it was funny.

Glad you took the time to let me know you dissagree.

Your desire for someone to tell the dog OP that they are also being ridiculous has been noted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 02:24

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 02:18

You've missed the point

Show quote history

Did you have one?

OP posts:
Starlight7080 · 09/02/2025 02:28

I would have been shocked aswell . You are entitled to feel however you want to .
I don't get why people have got so angry at you on here.
Also incase you are worried it may happen again you can get coverless quilts . I think they are great for people who can't physically change quilt covers. But also for 4 year olds who like to wrap themselves up 😆

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 02:29

Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 02:24

Did you have one?

Show quote history

Did you think you didn't sound rude just too?

Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 02:30

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 02:29

Did you think you didn't sound rude just too?

Show quote history

Not sure if understand the question?

OP posts: