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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this reaction is self absorbed.

377 replies

Mrsmozza123 · 08/02/2025 23:12

So. Everyone is fine but.
I went to check on my 4 year DS while he was sleeping. He'd taken his duvet out of the cover got inside the duvet cover and wrapped himself in it. I found him tangled and for a terrible split second I thought he could have strangled or suffocated. He was fine, a bit hot but definitely breathing and moving. Thank goodness.
I called my DH for help a few times and he shouted back "Yes?".
Eventually once I knew DS was safe I went downstairs to tell DH what had happened. I was really shaken.
DH seemed more concerned that i was having a go at him for not coming upstairs. I really wasn't.
I was expecting him to hug me or say thank goodness he's OK, to share my concern.

Instead he was saying "well you didn't sound very panicked, how was it supposed to know you needed me?"
And
"Sounds like you've just come downstairs to have a go at me"
I just walked off, I've had a little cup of tea and a cry on my own because I can't sleep.

OP posts:
FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 02:31

Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 02:20

Just thought it was funny.

Glad you took the time to let me know you dissagree.

Your desire for someone to tell the dog OP that they are also being ridiculous has been noted.

Edited
Show quote history

So you draw attention to a random post but then act like I'm being unreasonable to respond to your point about said post?

I also didn't express any desire for someone to tell OP that but your take away that was what I said pretty much confirms to me now that you were being snippy with your DH

Original poster
Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 02:34

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 02:31

So you draw attention to a random post but then act like I'm being unreasonable to respond to your point about said post?

I also didn't express any desire for someone to tell OP that but your take away that was what I said pretty much confirms to me now that you were being snippy with your DH

Show quote history

Respectfully. You have mis quoted me, twisted my words and made assumptions about things I have not included information about.
I don't think your messages are of any help.

Have a good night.

OP posts:
Nifler · 09/02/2025 02:36

I’m sorry you’ve got such spiteful replies tonight OP, MN can sometimes be like this, people would never be this rude to your face if you’re just wanting a bit of reassurance and comfort.

I too can’t imagine what actually happened with the duvet but because I’m not a dick I just assume it must have seemed awful in a split second and not interrogate you and tell you you’re ridiculous for being scared HmmRegardless you were really panicked and wanted comfort from your husband which is understandable. Maybe he misunderstood your tone or maybe as you say it’s a pattern of behaviour from him. Try to get some rest now and I’d step away from this thread myself as people love to have a go sometimes…. Flowers

Ottersmith · 09/02/2025 02:36

RobinHeartella · 08/02/2025 23:18

Whose reaction was self absorbed, yours or dh's? Not being goady, genuinely not sure what you're asking.

Is your 4yo disabled? I just reread and it's not clear. (I think it's impossible for an able-bodied 4yo to strangle himself with blankets, even if he was somehow trying to.)

If your 4yo is disabled, that must be a lot to deal with each day so you and dh are just a bit snappy from exhaustion?

If he's not disabled...then it sounds like a real non-event and I'm not sure why you're crying about it.

Are you the husband? Haha

HereNext · 09/02/2025 02:37

Sounds like he went on the defensive because he knew he was in the wrong not to come up to help when you called him.

Why didn't he come upstairs?

He does sound self absorbed, you'd had a fright and he made it about himself.

Ottersmith · 09/02/2025 02:45

BeaAndBen · 09/02/2025 00:45

Why on earth would you think he wasn't breathing? That's not a rational, proportional interpretation. It's pretty extreme catastrophising.

Show quote history

Do you even have children? So if you saw your child wrapped tightly inside a duvet cover, around his head and face, that wouldn't be an image that would make your blood run cold and scare the shit out of you? Well good for you, you would probably leave your kid like that, but telling other people that the reaction wasn't rational or proprtionate is just nonsense. If you lose your child in a shop for 10 seconds and then find them, will your heart rate go up and will you panic and need a moment to calm down? Or will you say 'oh fuck it, they probably are around here somewhere'??

RamsestheDamned · 09/02/2025 02:46

After reading all of this I have to respond.
Flowers for you OP and wish I could give you a hug.
What has Mumsnet come to when so many posters try to dissect and what I'm going to call MNetsplain how you should have felt or reacted?! They should all be bloody ashamed of themselves for posting such bile.
Your reaction was bang on the mark, you were absolutely right to post about it because you were so understandably worried and I don’t know why other people can't even begin to take that on board for a second. Vipers nest indeed, I think it's gone far beyond that now, people just want to post vitriol in response and feel superior. Sad state of affairs. Keyboard warriors think they're dead hard Hmm

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 02:47

Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 02:34

Respectfully. You have mis quoted me, twisted my words and made assumptions about things I have not included information about.
I don't think your messages are of any help.

Have a good night.

Show quote history

I've not misquoted you. You failed to understand the point I was making and when I pointed that out you were rude about it and quite snippy

I have made assumptions based on what you've said and experience

You only think they aren't useful because I'm not fawning all over you and enabling your paranoid anxiety. Which, believe me, is not what you need. You need to face irrational anxiety not have it pandered to

m00rfarm · 09/02/2025 02:48

Mrsmozza123 · 09/02/2025 00:01

It was just a horrifying fright in the moment.
I needed a hug and not for my feelings to be minimised.
I'm not one for overreacting but I really thought something bad had happened to him.

Show quote history

Honestly - you need a hug from a total stranger because your son was tangled in a blanket? Now you really are being over dramatic. You asked for an opinion, and you are clearly not happy with the responses so now are attacking total strangers. You do know you posted in AIBU? You asked if you were BU and people have said yes - you are.

I believe you probably need to have some first aid lessons in how to cope with an emergency situation and this will help you calm down and assess what you are able to do yourself, without calling your husband to come and do it for you. Four year olds are pretty robust.

MagnusCanis · 09/02/2025 02:48

@HereNext Why didn't he come upstairs?

OP has presented no evidence at all that this is what she verbalised to him, and in any case what more use would he have been upstairs?

m00rfarm · 09/02/2025 02:51

RamsestheDamned · 09/02/2025 02:46

After reading all of this I have to respond.
Flowers for you OP and wish I could give you a hug.
What has Mumsnet come to when so many posters try to dissect and what I'm going to call MNetsplain how you should have felt or reacted?! They should all be bloody ashamed of themselves for posting such bile.
Your reaction was bang on the mark, you were absolutely right to post about it because you were so understandably worried and I don’t know why other people can't even begin to take that on board for a second. Vipers nest indeed, I think it's gone far beyond that now, people just want to post vitriol in response and feel superior. Sad state of affairs. Keyboard warriors think they're dead hard Hmm

Op posted in AIBU. This means that she is asking us whether we believe she is being unreasonable. We are allowed to have our opinion and this is not necessarily the same as yours or hers. Next time, she needs to post somewhere other than AIBU and she may get replies telling her what she wants to hear.

m00rfarm · 09/02/2025 02:52

Ottersmith · 09/02/2025 02:45

Do you even have children? So if you saw your child wrapped tightly inside a duvet cover, around his head and face, that wouldn't be an image that would make your blood run cold and scare the shit out of you? Well good for you, you would probably leave your kid like that, but telling other people that the reaction wasn't rational or proprtionate is just nonsense. If you lose your child in a shop for 10 seconds and then find them, will your heart rate go up and will you panic and need a moment to calm down? Or will you say 'oh fuck it, they probably are around here somewhere'??

Show quote history

Yes. Of course my blood would run cold. Then, rather shouting for my husband, I would deal with the situation as, if there was really an issue, every seconds counts. Hence my suggestion she has a first aid course to give her more confidence in dealing with a situation by herself - what would have happened if no one else was home and she did not know what to do?

HereNext · 09/02/2025 02:55

m00rfarm · 09/02/2025 02:52

Yes. Of course my blood would run cold. Then, rather shouting for my husband, I would deal with the situation as, if there was really an issue, every seconds counts. Hence my suggestion she has a first aid course to give her more confidence in dealing with a situation by herself - what would have happened if no one else was home and she did not know what to do?

Show quote history

Oh give over.

This wins most ridiculous reply.

ByWaryCrab · 09/02/2025 02:56

Mrsmozza123 · 08/02/2025 23:12

So. Everyone is fine but.
I went to check on my 4 year DS while he was sleeping. He'd taken his duvet out of the cover got inside the duvet cover and wrapped himself in it. I found him tangled and for a terrible split second I thought he could have strangled or suffocated. He was fine, a bit hot but definitely breathing and moving. Thank goodness.
I called my DH for help a few times and he shouted back "Yes?".
Eventually once I knew DS was safe I went downstairs to tell DH what had happened. I was really shaken.
DH seemed more concerned that i was having a go at him for not coming upstairs. I really wasn't.
I was expecting him to hug me or say thank goodness he's OK, to share my concern.

Instead he was saying "well you didn't sound very panicked, how was it supposed to know you needed me?"
And
"Sounds like you've just come downstairs to have a go at me"
I just walked off, I've had a little cup of tea and a cry on my own because I can't sleep.

Keep sipping the tea and think sod off…big hug to you, he’s in a different universe. I always have the rule now that I discuss nothing controversial after nine o’clock, says the woman who can’t sleep at 2:55…

m00rfarm · 09/02/2025 02:56

HereNext · 09/02/2025 02:55

Oh give over.

This wins most ridiculous reply.

Show quote history

Really? Care to explain why?

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 02:59

HereNext · 09/02/2025 02:55

Oh give over.

This wins most ridiculous reply.

Show quote history

Ridiculous for giving some sound advice?

OP has said she was home alone for 8 weeks so potentially needing to calmly react is a possibility

Having first aid skills is something EVERYONE should have anyway

ByWaryCrab · 09/02/2025 02:59

m00rfarm · 09/02/2025 02:56

Really? Care to explain why?

Edited
Show quote history

Don’t expect sense editing or spell check at nearly three in the morning.

HereNext · 09/02/2025 03:03

ByWaryCrab · 09/02/2025 02:56

Keep sipping the tea and think sod off…big hug to you, he’s in a different universe. I always have the rule now that I discuss nothing controversial after nine o’clock, says the woman who can’t sleep at 2:55…

Show quote history

That's not a bad rule 😂

m00rfarm · 09/02/2025 03:05

ByWaryCrab · 09/02/2025 02:59

Don’t expect sense editing or spell check at nearly three in the morning.

Show quote history

Lol - I am not in the UK at the moment so it is only 11pm here 😂

Ger1atricMillennial · 09/02/2025 03:17

It doesn't matter what other people say or think OP, its about how you feel.

Maybe he is self-absorbed or maybe you always tell him he is unsupportive and he was on the defensive from something that happened earlier in the day. Nobody can tell from this incident at all what is going on.

ByWaryCrab · 09/02/2025 03:21

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 09/02/2025 02:59

Ridiculous for giving some sound advice?

OP has said she was home alone for 8 weeks so potentially needing to calmly react is a possibility

Having first aid skills is something EVERYONE should have anyway

Show quote history

I have them in spades…

NiftyKoala · 09/02/2025 04:05

ThatsNotMyTeen · 08/02/2025 23:42

You sound a bit over dramatic if I’m honest.

I have to agree. Was this maybe the straw that broke the camels back?

LBFseBrom · 09/02/2025 04:29

Mrsmozza123 · 08/02/2025 23:40

@RobinHeartella You didn't see what I saw, he took his duvet out of the cover and was tangled in his duvet cover with it over his face. It was truly horrifying for that second when i walked in all I could see was his head wrapped in fabric.
Then I tell my husband and he is annoyed I'm supposedly having a go at him. No support, he just cared about himself.

You sound pretty self absorbed and crying is a gross over-reaction, frankly. Children do things like this all the time. If this bothered you so much, buy some different bedding for your boy.

farmlife2 · 09/02/2025 04:29

HereNext · 09/02/2025 02:55

Oh give over.

This wins most ridiculous reply.

Show quote history

I don't think it's that ridiculous. Some people do launch into pragmatic mode in such situations. I have found my child not breathing and just went into full functional mode dealing with the situation super fast and efficiently. Seconds can count. Some of us are like that, then it hits us later.

OP, I'm glad it ended well for you. Maybe you could invest in a coverlet for your son instead, so you don't have to worry about his cover anymore?

LBFseBrom · 09/02/2025 04:31

MagnusCanis · 09/02/2025 02:48

@HereNext Why didn't he come upstairs?

OP has presented no evidence at all that this is what she verbalised to him, and in any case what more use would he have been upstairs?

I agree, men are often useless upstairs.