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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM redecorated my lounge

820 replies

Blubstering · 08/02/2025 12:29

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

OP posts:
Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 08/02/2025 12:31

Your parents are wieird..

Re-paint it..

What colour did they choose for their lounge

purpleme12 · 08/02/2025 12:33

Mmm I think you've dealt with it quite well....

Palsywalsy · 08/02/2025 12:33

I don’t think you need to fix anything. They have been out of line, and despite that you have been reasonable. With a bit of space hopefully they will see they are being unreasonable. Maybe some other family members can help them see good intentions doesn’t make things ok.

LizzoBennett · 08/02/2025 12:33

You need to stand firm otherwise they will continue their CF behaviour. You need to set your boundaries and hold them. It's especially important now that you have DC.

Precipice · 08/02/2025 12:34

I'd have gone ballistic. You were overly very diplomatic.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. She had no right. It's not her house. Would she like it if you went to her house and repainting it your way and tossed out her clothes and replaced them with ones you'd chosen? Would she be fully grateful for your efforts in doing something nice for her? There's nothing "nice" about it. She ought to restore it to what it was, and even then the bitterness about this outrage would hang over it.

Bruisername · 08/02/2025 12:35

Honestly I’m surprised your DH didn’t read them the riot act when he first saw it

Is this usual behaviour from them? If so, it sounds like you would be better off just keeping them at arms length and focussing on your baby

FionnulaTheCooler · 08/02/2025 12:35

Your mum really crossed a line, that's totally out of order to do to someones house without permission. Honestly, I'd put your parents on the back burner for now, concentrate on spending time with your newborn and DH as a family. You don't need the "support" of people who think it's OK to treat you like this when you've just had a baby.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/02/2025 12:36

Who does that? Really op your mother is batshit to firstly think to do it and then go ahead without asking.
Glad you're out of the woods now, but this is the last thing you need to be dealing with.

Octonaut4Life · 08/02/2025 12:36

To be honest you should have told them they need to come back and repaint it the way it was, that's awful. They absolutely owe you an apology at the very least.

DoloresODonovan · 08/02/2025 12:36

change the locks

rest and good sustaining food then you can think about it,
your own little family will have enough with your new baby,
walls can be painted, absolute arrogance (it was too plain)
you can deal with when you are stronger

Original poster
Blubstering · 08/02/2025 12:36

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 08/02/2025 12:31

Your parents are wieird..

Re-paint it..

What colour did they choose for their lounge

This is out of character (sort of) for them - mum can be overbearing and they always think their opinions are the only right way to think, but they’ve never done anything like this before.

We’re repainting back to how it was (well, paying a decorator because I’m in no fit state to do anything at the moment and DH is exhausted looking after me).

Their living room is baby blue. Mum likes colour whereas I like more neutrals. The purple is bold even for mum though.

OP posts:
HundredPercentUnsure · 08/02/2025 12:36

I'd be livid if my mum came around and painted any part of my house!

Paint it back and send her the bill.

That is how I'd handle it. The end.

thepariscrimefiles · 08/02/2025 12:37

Is this the first time your 'lovely' mum has done something like this?

It is such an odd but completely unreasonable thing to do. Who would decorate someone's lounge without their permission, particularly as you have recently had it decorated? How on earth do your parents thinkk that this is being helpful to their daughter who is recovering from sepsis after giving birth?

They need to apologise and pay to put it right. The fact that they are doubling down and blaming you is another red flag.

YousayPassataISaypeastta · 08/02/2025 12:38

Absolutely awful behaviour, I can't believe they would do this, it looks far too plain??How' dare she.
I'm so cross on your behalf, something very similar happens to me when I had just given birth and it also ruined relationships.

FoxtonFoxton · 08/02/2025 12:38

Fucking hell. You were very diplomatic, I'd have lost my shit. Now you not only have a newborn, but have to redecorate. Purple is hellish to paint over (from experience) and it's just a massive, expensive ball ache you didn't need. I wouldn't be apologising or phoning to ask for help.

LindorDoubleChoc · 08/02/2025 12:38

This is so unbelievable that I don't believe it! Is your Mum well?

outerspacepotato · 08/02/2025 12:38

Your mother drastically overstepped. Your house is not her house. That was a bitch move.

She feels bad? She should. It wasn't nice what she did, it was controlling. You didn't ask for decor help, much less a half ass paint job. She ruined your room.

She should pay to have it repainted.

YousayPassataISaypeastta · 08/02/2025 12:40

Sorry I pressed send before I had finished ranting.
It says she doesn't like your taste, hers is better, she "knows" better than you.
It's like weeing to make her mark.

The timing is horrendous

Chasingsquirrels · 08/02/2025 12:40

Wow, you were very restrained and both your mum (in doing it) and your dad (with his follow up) are totally out of order.

I can kind of see a situation where something needed doing, you'd been saying it needed doing but you didn't have the time, and a situation (like you being away for a few days) arose where they then took the opportunity to do it - like cleaning or repairing something.

But totally changing your recently done main living space colour scheme, without mentioning it, that's utterly nuts.

Do they have form OP?

I hope that this is a one off blip, they realise, apologise, and your family life can continue.

Congratulations on your new baby, try and focus on the baby and your recovery. Your DH will hopefully be giving you lots of help and support.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 08/02/2025 12:40

Oh I couldn't contain my rage at that. Tell them, not ask, to come back and restore it to how it was. What the actual fuck?

HappyintheHills · 08/02/2025 12:41

I hope you aren’t reliant on them for child care if this is how they believe it’s acceptable to behave.

Itiswhysofew · 08/02/2025 12:41

Tell them you'll be round to paint theirs. See how they feel about that!

What were you supposed to say? It's a really odd thing to do.

Donotwantnot · 08/02/2025 12:41

You need your husband to step up and support you here, and make his feelings clear to them too. It’s a massive boundary overstepped here and I would consider writing a letter to make it clear as to why. Then they get to pay for you to have it redecorated.

Tepidbath · 08/02/2025 12:41

Fucking hell I’d be livid!. I can’t fathom ever painting someone’s house without them asking me to, I don’t think I’d even touch up paint without being asked. Is your mums health okay?

Mayflyoff · 08/02/2025 12:42

Is there anyone who could talk sense into your parents? Do you have siblings or aunts/uncles? Someone needs to be firm with them, get them to pay for the redecorating and apologise so that you can all move on.