DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

My mil did raise. Redecorated the children's bedrooms which I had only just decorated. She changed the curtains and bed linen to brown and purple.
She posted the pics on fb and was very pleased with it. She said she didn't like mine and the kids efforts in our own house.

I went bonkers. The kids were crying, dh was on his mums side as she was trying to be nice. Then she wanted some money to help pay the money she had spent.

Just get it back how you like it, and don't run after them. Change the locks.
If its mentioned just say you can't belive she did that and best not to talk of it.
Do not feel bad or guilty.
Suggest they don't have sole care of baby, because I will guarantee they will do it all their way. And you'll be WRONG

@Darkmorningsarethepits great post.

What the actual fuck was she thinking?! You’re in absolutely no way in the wrong op, you’ve been much more gentle and balanced in your responses to this batshittery than I would’ve been! The ONLY way I can see a parent redecorating a room without being asked while you were having a horrendous time in hospital is if you’d already bought the paint and had every intention of doing it yourself but hadn’t got to it in time. That would be very kind. This is fucking weird.

Look up DARVO, @Blubstering . Your mother is not a nice person and neither is your father calling you up and blaming you for her being upset at what she's done in your home. They have crossed a boundary when you have been in hospital and vulnerable. I would consider this a lucky escape from having to be reliant on them wrt your child, because you can bet your bottom dollar that they will be crossing every boundary of your parenting.

I agree with changing your locks - but don't tell them that you've done so. That way, they'll assume they still have a key to your house, when they actually just have a useless piece of metal.

They won't be able to spring any surprises on you, then; and if they try to overstep, they'll either have to accept why you've done it (as a direct result of their intrusive actions) and keep quiet about it and/or tell you that they tried to let themselves in and couldn't.

If they do question it, say you were fed up with that tired, boring old barrel lock in your door and it was time for a fresh, revamped identical-looking replacement!

I'd also consider some kind of cheap IP-camera-based security that alerts you if anybody tries to enter your external doors unexpectedly. Good for general home security in case of attempted burglaries, as well as for boundary-ignoring family members.

I'd be furious if someone decided to redecorate my house without my knowledge.

DH literally didn’t go home for 4 days during the birth and then the immediate aftermath because I wasn’t really conscious. We had a side room and he had a pull out sofa bed in there so he could care for DS. Mum and dad dropped off clothes for him and came to sit with DS while DH showered but never mentioned anything until DH went home on day 5 and saw the lounge. That’s another thing - why not say ‘oh we decorated the lounge for you’ if they genuinely thought we would appreciate it?

Absolutely this. It really is batshit behaviour to paint someone’s house when they’ve not asked for it (especially to bold colours not to their taste!). You’ve handled it very well and should definitely send them the redecorating bill.

You're one of the parents aren't you? What utter tosh.

Some people go a bit crazy when they move from the parent of the family to the grandparents.

OP- don’t contact them , wait for them to contact you and definitely say you’ve had to pay out £x to get a decorator in to repaint the front room back to exactly as it was as that’s what you wanted.

get DH to call MIL and tell her exactly what your parents have done, that you’d love for her to see the new baby but as you now have to redecorate, her staying will be tough.

if your MIL isn’t as bonkers as your mother she’ll understand this is pretty insane and tough to have guests. (She might invite you to stay while it’s fixed)

@hwi being grateful for recovering well from sepsis doesn’t mean it’s okay for people to redecorate your house to their own taste. The OP hasn’t in anyway been ungrateful about recovering, but she is tired, and could do with support rather than have stroppy parents thinking about their needs and feelings over their daughters.

Goodness! Where on earth was your DH while she had access to your home to do this?

She really overstepped a boundary and she should take your feedback on board.

You said you’d had it painted recently - I wonder if your mum has been planning this for ages, and simply took the opportunity to do it when you and your DH were out of the house and pre-occupied? She could then say things like, “I didn’t want to bother you” if you asked why she hadn’t spoken to you first.

This isn’t a ‘trying to be helpful’ gone wrong. There’s something spiteful about this. Ignoring the hideous colours, who wants to come home to a house full of paint fumes with a newborn? As suggested, if it’s not about her brooding and planning to ‘correct’ your paint tastes, it’s been done out of jealousy to taint your return with a new baby. The fact your DPs are happy to sulk rather than be with you and their new grandchild speaks volumes.

You don't fix it or this will get worse.

Leave them to come to their senses because what you need at the moment is rest and love, your parents aren't offering either.

Congratulations on the baby xxx

You don't fix it. Let them come to you. No one in their right mind just redecorates someone's house without asking them . It's not up to them to decide if it is too plain or not. The garish purple is a personal choice and not to everyone'd taste. Did she have a key? Did your husband know nothing about it before she started? If he did I think he should've told her no and if he did then ever more reason to stand your ground. If he sort of went along with it or turned a blind eye you might need to concede a bit. Congratulations

Wow. Had she given the house a good clean and for you instead, I’m sure you’d have been delighted.
The actual redecoration was massively misguided and you handled that very very well. To then treat you so horrifically because you couldn’t muster a faux enthusiasm is absolutely awful.
I know it’s easier said than done whist you’ve got so much going on but let them come to you - you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.
I would love to see the purple though 😬

This sounds like a considered response. I'm sorry your parents have decided to make this about them after deciding to paint your house 'because it's too plain'.

Maybe they need sone time to reflect. It's very hurtful for so many reasons. I hope you can sort things out but agree they should come to you to apologise.

I would really use this time to think about how you want your relationship to be going forward. Because ‘support’ from people who trample all over your boundaries isn’t support and if they are willing to cut contact with you and their grandchild over this I would genuinely see it as a blessing.
You need to come back from this and hold strong because if you are (rightfully) upset about them trampling all over your home you will be even more upset about them trampling all over your child. Which they will if you don’t clearly show that you are not prepared to apologise to them for something of their doing and let this go.

They need to see their wrongdoing and apologise and make it right. Not throw a strop because you didn’t appreciate them ruining your home

id send a final message reminding them they you nearly died and you are not yet recovered and in a bad place mentally and physically and they aren’t helping with this behaviour.

id say let’s move on from the decorating now and never speak of it again

their grandchild is here and that should be everyone’s focus.

I can totally see my mum having done something like this then berating me "I was only trying to help, look how ungrateful you are"

My dad is sensible - when I got Covid he went out, did a big food shop, cleared the pharmacy of anything he thought might help, made me a brew and bought stuff like soup and ready meals that was easy to eat
That's what you do to be helpful

Waiting for the deletion message.

Why would you just paint someone’s house for absolutely no reason? I genuinely don’t understand what would make someone do that??

Well they're missing out on their new grandchild...

They're absolute loons and totally out of order

Or deliberate timing, doing something she knows is wrong and boundary pushing at a time when her daughter is vulnerable/distracted/needs parental help, and is less likely to argue back.