DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

Surely this only applies to quite self-centred and narcissistic parents who aren't able to think of their children as separate, independent people, but just extensions of themselves? It sounds very enmeshed and unhealthy and certainly shouldn't be pandered to.

The behaviour of OP's parents goes way beyond crazy even for Mumsnet, where clashes between parents and grandparents often seem to be the norm rather than the exception.

Completely agree @thepariscrimefiles.

I find that post narcissistical, and cringed at the statement "1st time grandparents are used to being at the centre of their family, they are the core and the rest of the family revolves around them." Silentwitless, the world does not revolve around anybody. We are all individuals with our own needs, and identities.

The statement, "understanding possible feelings they might be experiencing can help you understand that there actions are not personal, and not even about you as such, but about their own feelings about themselves and their lives" is absolutely no excuse at all. What about the first time parents feelings?! I'm sorry but that trumps first time grandparents!! They are the ones who have just had a baby, most likely been through a traumatic time, and figuring it all out. It is time for the grandparents to be helpful and supportive, get a grip, and not wallow selfishly in their own delusions of grandeur, while having a crisis in becoming older. They are lucky to be around to be grandparents; a lot don't make it, one of my parents included.
It isn't their baby, or house, and there is no self absorbed excuse for crossing major boundaries; this behaviour is far from acceptable, excusable, or understandable. I have never ever heard of new grandparents doing this; it isn't the "norm."

Can you afford to send them on a break for a couple of nights? If you can then while they're away go paint their walls in something like red and black. Say you thought you were helping so they get how you are feeling.

What an odd thing to do, is be sending them the decorators invoice, absolutely bonkers behaviour

@Blubstering I hope all is well with you and the baby. How are things going with your parents? Any apologies / reconciliations?

I have the same take on this as @Emmie765 .I really think it came from a kind heart.
Unlike many posters ,I think the less drama over this the better. OP clearly has a good relationship with her parents so it would be awful for this poor judgement to cause a rift .

Oh my goodness you are so unbelievably calm for a postpartum, still poorly, presumably sleep deprived person.

I'm pretty calm, but just read your post to DH who said "you would have hit the roof" and he's absolutely right.

This is so bonkers, especially the bit about them then being upset that you aren't glowing about it. The mind boggles.

Presumably it was the stress of knowing her daughter was so unwell and it wasn't the newborn experience you all expected that made her act totally out of character.

If you felt comfortable could you invite them over for a cup of tea to all say how you felt and clear the air or would that blow up?

How on earth does OP's mum stopping speaking to her newly post-partum, recovering from sepsis daughter because she responded quite tactfully to her mum's query about whether she liked the walls that she had decorated without consultation and without permission, come from a kind heart?

Is OP causing the rift? Did she stop speaking to her mum? Is she causing the drama? The drama and bad behaviour are coming exclusively from OP's parents, particularly her mum. Surely the onus is on her parents to fix this by contacting their daughter and apologising?

I went through very similar with my mum when I had a baby. I loved my mum (she’s no longer with us) but she had narcissistic tendencies and was quite controlling of me. She really struggled with the realisation she would not control my child in the same way and criticised all of my approaches to parenting. I almost died in childbirth and I think she had a sort of break from reality. She had our hall stairs and landing replastered which we intended to do but we wanted to remove the old wooden bannister which was attached to the wall and the damaged skirting, we were also going to get the rads taken off to do it. She had it done and while we would have been incredibly grateful, to then remove the things we wanted to would involve even more work than it would have before it was replastered because they had been plastered in. She also moved our bedroom around and reordered all my clothes to the way she likes them as it was “easier” (in her head sure but that’s not how I like them). When I wouldn’t use a specific handwashing liquid and handwash all the baby clothes (as she had done) she refused to speak with me as I was purposely blocking her out apparently. I had a perfectly good washing machine and had had surgery and several blood transfusions but she could only think about what she would want.
it took months to get the relationship back to normal and she sent my dad to say he wouldn’t speak to me either as he was supporting his wife. So the first six months of being a mum I had an added layer of stress that I did not need.
I am quite charitable towards the situation and assume she had some things going on in her head that caused her to behave poorly coupled with the embarrassment of having her “good deeds” rejected. She also was an always right person who believed that if she paid for something she could then control the recipients. I genuinely believe she intended kindness but did not stop to think what we would want or need based on who we are.
In short, you’re not alone but your mum probably does need therapy! I strongly believe mine did but she would never get it so I just had to manage my reaction to her behaviours as I didn’t want the relationship to end as she had some very good qualities too. It was not always easy.

Tell her you love her but you want things in your life a certain way and you need her to respect that when she is involved in your life. I think you’ve done a pretty good job in responding to her so far and she’ll come around. If she doesn’t she’ll lose out on you and your baby.

My god, what an odd thing to do? I'd be absolutely livid regardless of colour or intention. Who the eff decorates someones home, without consulting & while they're in hospital having just given birth?!

Why would you need to be grateful when you didn't ask for it or want it?! Crikey. I really can't explain how livid I'd be at such a vulnerable time when you need to be focusing on yourself and baby.

Your parents sound like first class wankers, and that's putting it kindly. I think them having no contact is a blessing in disguise.

I wouldn't make a single effort to contact them until they both apologise to you!

I should probably add I did not back down on this. I kept communication channels open but I did not push to rebuild the relationship. I was too poorly and I knew I was not in the wrong. Eventually she just “forgot” about it and acted like nothing had happened.

I'm going to do everything I can to not be one of those overbearing mums if/when my children have children. As if it isn't already a difficult time without grandparents trying to make it all about them. I fell out with my mum during my first pregnancy because I offered to put her up in a b&b when she came to visit us after the birth, apparently that's such an offensive idea 🙄 aside from the fact we live in a tiny two bed with no spare room, I think it's normal for new parents to want a bit of time to themselves with their baby. Mum was so offended about the b&b that she decided to announce to everyone at my and my partners baby shower that my sister was pregnant! She was only about 5 weeks at the time so wasn't telling anyone except close family, but my mum soon saw to that! I didn't speak to her until I went into labour and she turned up at the hospital sobbing and full of apology. And of course she then stayed at the house for a good two weeks after. What can you do?! I had a very tough recovery and barely knew what was going on for the first few days. Congrats on your little boy, hope you feel better soon.

I'm amazed you didn't "lose it" completely! They are completely out of order, what a weird thing to do! At this time there are LOADS of things they can do to help you with a newborn, decorating is NOT one of them!

Classic toxic behaviour. Your mum has been controlling and is pushing a boundary in front of your eyes. No one would ever do what she did with the best intentions. It's her way of challenging you. She's threatened by you becoming a mum. Start making a new support network now as she will only continue pushing boundaries. Also your Dad is an enabler, look it up. Their reaction is wrong. It's conditional love. A genuinely nice person would never drop their daughter when she's just had a baby- no matter how upset they were. It's agony, I've been through it and am still going through it now but honestly replacing them and not leaning on them is the best thing you can do for yourself post partum. I'm genuinely so so sorry it's happened to you

Women like you go on to be toxic mothers trapped in some nasty cycle. The OP doesn't owe her mother anything. Your child doesn't owe you anything. Including feeling "Grateful" Just because you've felt indebted to your mum doesn't mean you need to continue in a toxic cycle. Notice your narcissistic thoughts and reframe them.

'I am ... 'team be grateful.' Oh my fucking god. Fairly confident then that your life and the those unfortunate enough to be around you lurch from one tantrum to the next bout of hysterics as people fail to live up to stupid expectations and fall short of prostrating themselve accordingly to the shrine of gratitude you demand of them.

In my world I owe to my parents a lot. I certainly owe them more than I owe to friends, colleagues or some randoes. I also owe my dh's parents and I am bewildered about the maxim of 'children owe parents nothing'. This is a recipe for what we have in this country today - selfishness, anarchy and just that - owing nothing to our own, yet constantly worrying about people about whom we know nothing.

Do you owe them enough to let them repaint your lounge while you are seriously ill in hospital?

You have behaved very reasonably under extreme provocation. This would be outrageous at any time but much worse when you have just given birth and are vulnerable. Please show this thread to your parents, maybe that will knock some sense into them. They should pay for the room to be repainted professionally and apologise to you. Purple and grey Eugh! You have much better taste. Not speaking? don't they want to see their grandchild? Hope you can resolve this and they will respect boundaries in the future. Concentrate on your baby now and good luck.

My post was more about 'if I came out from hospital after sepsis with limbs intact and a healthy baby, I would be so grateful, I would not give a shit what anybody did in my absence - it is akin to a earthquake survivor coming out of it alive and finding fault with, say, a porcelain figurine they lost - it pales in comparison'. My original response was with the OP not realising how lucky she was with the situation, sod the redecoration, that is what I meant. My relative never came out of hospital after sepsis, for example. Another example is of a woman coming from hospital and finding her mother had a stroke - they agreed her mum would help the woman look after her newborn, but mother became paralysed and the woman found herself looking after her baby and a paralysed mother' - she wrote an article about it, Sandwich generation or suchlike.

However I firmly believe in owing parents things - materially (substantial financial help and spiritual).

This takes me back to my late mothers behaviour. She would not have painted my lounge because it would have been too much effort on her part. But she was always offended even when in the wrong and we walked on egg shells. She even refused to look after her new gd for 2 hrs so I could get my check up. She turned me away at the door but she chose to cry. This had been prearranged I did not just turn up.

I feel angry for you op. Your parents have made a difficult time for you worse. They got it very wrong and are acting like the hurt party. You do not need this stress.
They are acting very selfishly. I would not be so forgiving moving forward or you will have a lifetime of appeasement.

You are a very forgiving, very clear sighted and a very empathetic person. You did well to keep a relationship going. I hope you were able to keep some firm boundaries in place so you weren't too deeply hurt by their behaviour.

You've had a massive dose of toxic positivity. I hope you're not infecting children with this attitude.

It's more akin to an earthquake survivor finding their Mum had smashed their figurine while they were buried.

It's possible to be both grateful to he alive and also disappointed about something else.

Would you say to a sepsis survivor "you're lucky to only lose 1 limb"?

A sepsis survivor is lucky by definition. Strange you don't know it.

Thank you. It wasn’t easy and I did sacrifice some of myself to keep the relationship but there were positive times too. I could have cut her out of my life but I don’t think that would have been good for me either. I learned some expert level diplomacy but lived in a high state of anxiety a lot of the time. Families are complicated and her own upbringing influenced her behaviour. My relationship with my own daughter is very different.