DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

I think you need to wait for them to contact you. When they eventually do, ask them how would they feel if you redecorated their house in your taste?

How did she manage to do a full decorating job without your DH noticing the colours?

Your mother overstepped, he should have halted proceedings.

Remove their key.

Get it repainted. Give them the bill, say shall we put this behind us now?. If they do move on if they don't then leave them to sulk

Actually, you are right, but I always look on the 'not so bright' side of life!

So OP, who is having to pay decorators to repair the damage that her mother has done, should actually be grateful? You are blaming OP for being upset with her parents?

However, having read many of your previous posts on threads about overstepping and overbearing MILs and parents, I'm just surprised that you haven't yet told OP that her parents should be able to do exactly what they like, otherwise OP shouldn't be expecting to receive any inheritance from them.

I'd take back the key and don't trust them again! If they choose to fall out with you I would leave them to it.

It was at best overstepping with good intentions but right now they should be apologising for causing additional stress at a hectic time.

Sounds like you’ve been through a huge amount.

is this your mum’s first grandchild? Me and my mum had some wild arguments as she was being v v unreasonable shortly after when I gave birth for the first time. With a great deal of hindsight I can see she was out of her mind with worry for me and the baby and all the emotion got totally misdirected.

Not excusing your mum at all, just maybe you all need a bit of a cooling off period and time to process the birth before discussing the paining any more.

Yes, absolutely. I forgot about the inheritance.

Are you OP's mum, by any chance?

Quite honestly if my parents had done that I would NEVER have left them alone with my child.

Could it have been vindictive - her way of wanting to take the shine off your excitement of the new addition to your family (albeit not without horrors along the way), and making it all about her?

Or did she genuinely, honestly, truly believe that you'd like it - bearing in mind that you'd not long redecorated in a very different way and had not expressed any dissatisfaction with it or wish to change it?

Whatever her motives, it's disgraceful to blatantly overstep boundaries in such a way and then make out that you are the victim instead, when they pull you up on it.

Why are so many people so singularly convinced that their choices and opinions are the right/best/only acceptable ones?

I mean, I get it if it's about your opinion that it's categorically wrong to murder people or to kick animals for fun; but when it's about something as individual and trivial as preferred paint colours, what meals you choose or your preferred hair style, clothes or whatever...?!

Why does she even think that paint shops offer such a wide range of colours in the first place if there's only one 'correct' colour scheme?

Many people find neutral boring - which is perfectly fine when it comes to not choosing that for their own home - but it's probably what the majority of people actually choose.

If it’s brought up again I’d just say imagine you were on holiday and came home to me having repainted your lounge plain white. You’d have been upset. Same thing.

Really? That's not the end though is it! That would escalate the situation further.

I'm pretty sure OP wants to get back ti some normality.

I think you’re being way too forgiving OP. Why in the world would they assume their taste was yours?! The only way this would be acceptable is if you had said previously how you’d love to paint your living room purple but you didn’t have the time.

My aunt is like this. She’s redecorated my cousins house and laid a new lawn on three different occasions (not all at once) and my poor cousin just has to put up with it as her mum is mentally unstable and loves a guilt trip.

I would think the only option, unless they apologise, is to do the same to them. If you don’t have a key, dig up part of their front garden for a vegetable patch - see how she likes it!

The painting of the lounge is one thing, but refusing to speak to your daughter who has just given birth and nearly died of sepsis is a whole other level of unkind and uncaring behaviour. I can't see how OP comes back from this.

Absolutely ridiculous take. Are you the mum?

I feel your pain . Years ago before kids we'd got our first house and was excited about decorating room by room.
Had been in it a good 6 months but still some rooms to go when we went on holiday .
Came back and my dad had done the hallway & stairs with wallpaper ( we prefer plain walls ) and it was old fashioned style and the pattern was upside down .
We did keep it for a year whilst doing the other rooms , but changed it .
Your mum & dad should do it again in your colours .
You don't need that hassle with a new baby in the house !
Congratulations for the baby .

What a spiteful thing to do from start to finish. I think you're downplaying this OP but I know you must be so hurt and beside yourself having been so ill and with a new baby. Where is DH in all this, can he read them the riot act when he goes round to get the key back?

It’s totally outrageous. You don’t just decide to repaint someone’s house because you think their taste isn’t colourful enough. I’d have been fuming at the decorating but the thing that would upset me is then having to have the decorator in the house at a vulnerable stage. I was a mess for the first 2 weeks of my newborn.having a stranger in the house painting would have really upset me. It’s an interruption to the time you’ve got with your husband while he’s on paternity leave etc. the fact that they’ve then doubled down is even worse.

Sometimes people need to face the consequences of their actions to understand the severity. Responsible people know when the right time is to escalate a situation, that isn’t a bad thing - it’s within a spectrum of reasonable responses. I think you’re ignoring the fact that her parents have not apologised but have manipulated OP and made themselves out to be victims. That’s not normal behaviour. It would be a different story entirely had she apologised and offered to make good the damage.

Is this your first baby, @Blubstering ? Because you've said she's got form but hasn't gone quite this far before, but then you've never had a baby before either. Just a gentle warning, but the arrival of your own children is a time when a lot of people start to see their parents through a very different lens, and things that you've always ignored/accepted/excused suddenly can't be ignored any more. And lots of parents don't cope with the arrival of grandchildren very well.

It's not helpful or kind to push help on to someone that they don't want or need and then make them feel bad for being ungrateful, though it's a thing that some people do. Might be worth reading up on codependency when you've got the headspace for it.

@Blubstering you've been more than fair to your mum- this is outrageous behaviour.

I had similar problems to you after birth of my first and was in hospital for a while. My parents wanted to help and look after me and the new baby, not cut contact over something bad they'd done! And your hormones are all over the place too, so the upset will feel worse (and it's shocking already!)

You poor thing. Could your DH potentially help by talking to them?

OP you've handled it brilliantly, and a lot more politely than it deserved. Can you get DH to deal with them for the next few days? Get the key off them, set some boundaries etc. I know MN mantra is each spouse deals with their own family, but you've been through a lot and don't need this shit.

Congratulations on your baby and hope you recover fully soon.

No, but I am 'team mum' and 'team be grateful'. I detest ungratefulness in any shape or form. First, ungratefulness to Fate - forget about the stupid redecoration of no importance. To survive sepsis with all limbs intact, a healthy baby, a husband and parents who do not make you into a sandwich generation representative by having to look after them - wow, you can boast about it. My good friend cut her foot on something on holiday and was dead (sepsis) 3 weeks later, left a partner and a child.

OP congratulations on your new baby!
Sounds like DH is being super supportive which is what you need right now! You DM has massively overstepped the mark. I have grown up DCs and would never dream of doing anything like this - literally I cannot image what she was thinking.
I suggest you focus on you and your baby right now and let DH support you. Is there anyone else that could have a word with your DM and let her know how batshit she is being!? Sibling, close friend, aunt?

Otherwise, I would leave her to crack on with her sulking. She will for sure come round at some point but you are definitely not in the wrong here at all.

Carol Smiley has a lot to answer for! Be grateful your DM didn't shabby chic up your lovely oak furniture too!