DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

Love this 🤣

Blimey, I’d have gone ballistic. Get the painter back in to return it to what it was, and make sure she pays for it! Some people are so cheeky it’s hard to fathom.

Yep! I'd have burst into tears

@Blubstering That’s a shocking overstepping of boundaries!
Purple paint is such a trope on those makeover programmes, too.

Especially as your mum hasn’t even cut in neatly ( paint on other walls and window frames)

I help my son paint his house IF INVITED to but he knows I have a steady hand and use his paint choice and follow his instructions entirely.

He’d be very annoyed if I did painting using a bizarre colour and made a messy job.

YANBU.

I would be sending the bill to Dad and asking him to get my mother assessed for some sort of mental health issue.

Talk about riding roughshod.

It's one thing to do something so stupid as to repaint your living room whilst you're away on holiday but to do it now, whilst you're in hospital having your first baby is just beyond ridiculous!!

What should be a special time for you has now been marred by this stupidity and even more so with your parents acting like the victims!!

It's terrible behaviour on their part, it truly is!!

You had a lovely healthy baby and you survived sepsis and came home with your lovely baby, husband and all your limbs! You also have upstanding parents (meaning not bed-ridden) who give a shit about you. And this is what is bothering you? You are truly ungrateful. Count your blessings for the sepsis outcome, your baby, you husband, your relatively healthy parents. If you always look for shit in life, life will provide you with exactly that.

My own mom used to do stuff like this a few times. I lost it with her every time. Like OP's mom she would also be upset about my not being "grateful" for her interfering in my household.

In the end, I cut contact. I could not take the meddling and the subsequent guilt tripping anymore. It was not the only thing broken in our relationship, but it was a big thing.

Do not pander to the silent treatment that is too much to let slide. It’s over the top and inconsiderate. I’d honestly be wondering if she was 100% well.

to paint your house a colour never discussed let alone 2 different ones. I know it’s hard with a new baby but you need to be firm.

Your DM really overstepped! No excuse for it. However, I would consider how she was feeling at the time. Imagine your child being in hospital with sepsis and you feeling completely helpless. I can see why it could lead to mother doing stupid things just to feel like they are helping and to keep busy.

Absolute bollocks. I'd be fucking furious if I came home after having a baby AND surviving sepsis, only to discover my mother has repainted my house and caused a massive amount of extra work and expense for me.

Your mum is mad - who decorates someone else’s home especially at such a special time of of their life? Get it back to your normal as soon as possible and don’t apologise! YANBU

@Rocksaltrita thanks for replying I did think you meant it like that but unfortunately mn is riddled with people whose sport it is to claim posts are not true.
Then the thread gets derailed and nasty.

I'm absolutely baffled that anyone could possibly think this was something ok to do or even think you'd be pleased!! It's completely bonkers!

I don't think the onus is on you to fix this. You've been very restrained and reasonable in the circumstances. Concentrate on enjoying your first few weeks with your new baby and get plenty of rest. I think it's really up to your parents to apologise and make amends.

I think you’ve articulated it - I’m less bothered about the paint because I can see the intention wasn’t malicious, but I am definitely bothered by them trying to guilt me into being grateful for vandalism basically.

I retained part of my placenta and it was missed, I had a massive PPH and then my womb got infected and then I went septic really quickly so it’s been a really difficult experience. First baby as well so it’s all a bit raw. I just feel like no one is actually making allowances for the fact I’m quite poorly still. MIL mithering to come and stay and now my parents willing to cut contact with me and my new baby over a problem THEY created I just feel completely done in.

There's always one. Better not to feed.

Wow, that is very odd. If your mum wanted to do ‘something nice’, she could have batched cooked and filled up your freezer, deep cleaned your bathroom (if it needed doing), do the washing and put it away, do some ironing, go food shopping. This would be something nice. And would help you and your husband during this tough period. But she decided to paint your living room and do a shit job. Weird!

I hope you feel better soon and congratulations on your new baby.

Completely misses point of thread.☝️Has Mum entered the chat?

Do you not see the gross overstepping of boundaries here?

A home is a sanctuary- especially having a baby
Op wants serenity and her familiar coloured sitting room, not some depressing purple and grey.
Such dreary colours.

I'm just imagining here what is normal and what isn't. Cleaning, yes, tidying, yes, rearranging, no. Putting up a shelf? No. Stocking the fridge, yes, making a casserole, yes. Painting the living room? NONONONONO 💣

You've dealt so well with it, and are at a fragile time with a new baby, hormones crazy (I remember this from my traumatic birth 18 months ago) and to come home to that at such an inappropriate time is frankly nuts.

You can't even correct it as depending on the paint it'll need to air and 100% dry before a newborn can be in the room for any length of time.

This is one of those frustrating times that a parent wants to do something and wraps it up as a favour, shed have been better batch cooking some meals if she really had to channel her love into something. It's your home! On a smaller scale I went on a 3 week trip at 17 with school and when I came home my mum had redecorated, rearranged my whole bedroom and expected me to be all thrilled, but I cried! I think without me there she missed me and wanted to do something associated with me and fir me but actually expressing her own tastes and wishes.

Try and focus if you can on the big stuff, and enjoy your bubs and your DH, be in your unit of three and don't let your parents make you feel guilty. Perhaps a final message saying succinctly that they're not helping with their behavior at this very tough time when families should be celebrating a new member. Not talking about a botched redecoration attempt. The living room will be returned to your taste and you don't want to hear anything else about it etc etc. I'm furious for you that they've doubled down.

Don’t know whether to laugh or cry at this response - MN never disappoints! Sorry this was meant for the post that said OP should be grateful for the redecoration!!

You haven’t done anything wrong. Is this your first baby?

You have set a boundary whereas your Mum was seeing you and your life as an extension of herself and your house like a dolls house.

If you cave in now and apologise or make amends, you will have let her trample all over your boundary. She can’t have a relationship with you at all costs and completely on her terms and she needs to realise that she overstepped and apologise.

Sure, you need the help but there’s a baby grandchild growing up fast that she’s not seeing. Hold the line.

You've dealt with this very well already! I'd leave space for them to come and apologise to you now. Really they should pay to make good.
In a few years it will hopefully be a funny story about the time grandma went a bit batshit.

You had a lovely healthy baby and you survived sepsis and came home with your lovely baby, husband and all your limbs!

And now also imagine coming back to your lovely calm, recently painted house and not a rogue traders x changing rooms collab.

How strange that a woman awaiting the imminent birth of her grandchild should take on the task of redecorating her daughter’s living room.