DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

@Blubstering

That is so bonkers that if you didn't come across as so genuine I'd be thinking this was a total wind up.

Genuinely cannot believe she thought that was an okay / helpful thing to do.

You were incredibly measured and polite and needed to say.
You do not want her thinking it's okay and every time you come back from a holiday she's gone all Lawrence L-B on your house!!.

Your parents sound a bit crackers!

And to then turn it around that your mum is upset, sounds like narrasicm to me wanting attention when it's on you

You were far more balanced and rational in your replies than I would have been capable of.

It is never ok to decorate somevody’s house as a surprise. Especially is a style that is so different to their own.

I’m sorry to say your mum fucked up and it’s not you who owes an apology.

She was looking after my plants while I was in hospital (I have an extensive rare houseplant collection, it’s a hobby we share) so we gave her a key.

You know what OP, your parents only treat you like this because you let them. They have control over you and you need to stop that dynamic.

It’s not normal to change the paint colours in someone’s home whilst they’re in hospital. It’s invasive, overbearing and could lead to her being found liable for your costs to rectify the damage.

It’s not a nice thing to do in these circumstances and you under reacted.

Flip the script - you are not speaking to them, not the other way around. If they want to make amends, they profusely apologise, return any keys that have, and make good the damage and pay for any costs you incur. They also deal with the fall out of you being unable to trust them and not want them around as often.

Aside from the gob smacking cheek of someone just changing your chosen interior so dramatically I would actually be really hurt that they are both doubling down and somehow painting themselves as the wronged party and attacking you.

To do that at all would be horrible but to do it when you have a newborn and clearly had a traumatic delivery and need to rest, recover and get as much family support as possible is just truly unbelievable and incredibly hurtful.

I love my parents so much but if they did this I honestly thing I’d struggle to get over it. Not so much the painting (although not minimising that at all!) but the blame laying and drama at such a vulnerable time for you.

Instead of this all being about the new baby and you as a new mum who has been seriously unwell it’s about them sulking.

Unless they rapidly start apologising and eating humble pie I think I’d be withdrawing my side of the relationship. Sad as that sounds.

This. Your mother caused the damage - she needs to pay the decorator (obviously you pay the decorator then try and get the money back - he shouldn’t have to wait for payment while you argue about it).

I wouldn't do that, considering the terrible job they did when they wanted to do it.

Making them pay for a competent person to restore it, absolutely.

It's such a deeply odd way to behave - have they got form for this sort of thing?

Your parents owe you MASSIVE apologies AND THE COST TO REDECORATE IT BACK.

I really do think you need to make a stand on this, or what next?

Outrageous behaviour by them, especially your Mum.

@Rocksaltrita please don't say it's made up.
I could have written worse about my return from hospital.

Every single thing was moved around, stuff chucked away I was told by mil she had put the house straight.

I love how 100% of votes are in your favour - I also voted YANBU.

Walls can be repainted and relationships repaired.

Don't let your mum have keys to the house again or next time it'll be Laurence red

Aubergine I could probably deal with - this is like Cadbury purple

You have nothing to fix. At the max, I’d write to them saying you don’t understand why they’re offended/upset when she decorated over your newly decorated lounge! That’s completely outrageous, you have absolutely nothing to ‘fix’, this is all her doing and she needs to bloody well massively apologise.

such unnecessary unpleasant rhetoric, you think this is what the exhausted newly delivered upset OP wants to hear her parents described as, she sure will feel a whole load better now

Fucking hell I would have been furious - you were very measured in your response. Get the decorator to go round to hers after they’ve sorted yours and paint their lounge see how they react

Congratulations on your new baby.
Send the redecorating bill to your parents. Tell them if they ever pull a stunt like that again they will be at arms length.
(it doesn't matter if they pony up for the bill - sending it to them is the message)

Hey @Blubstering

Firstly, congratulations on your new arrival and well done you!

I'm not surprised you're exhausted - new baby, recovering from illness, not to mention all the postpartum stuff - you're doing well.

Going to your question - how do you fix this?

You don't. Not just yet.

Sweetheart, you're tired, you're adjusting to having a baby, and quite frankly you have a horribly decorated living room which sounds like it'd be difficult to relax in.

The living room is fixable - you're right to get a decorator in. Get it sorted and you'll feel a lot better.

But fixing the relationship with your parents? I don't think you should make that a priority right now.

You need to focus on getting well, and focus on your little bundle of joy and being a family.

Put the parent thing on hold for a while, until you're feeling stronger and have got your thoughts together on how you want to handle it.

I wouldn't send the redecoration invoice to them, unless you believe they'd cover it.

But when you're ready, something needs to be said about them overstepping. They do it with your house already, they will do it with your child.

Now is the time to put boundaries in place and ensure they respect them.

Do they have keys to your house? What does your husband say about it all? Are his parents as involved?

Before he met his girlfriend,my ds used to send me screenshots of paint colours and ask me for my opinion

We'd toss around some ideas (I'd maybe suggest another colour that he hadn't thought of,wed discuss how the light may fall on a wall or he'd tell me he hated my ideas altogether)

I never,ever went round and repainted any part of his flat-I wouldn't have done it even if he'd asked me to!

Not my home and not my taste-i have my own house for that

However,watch out for your father sticking up for her op

My mother would have pulled the same stunt (if she could have been bothered to put the work in) and if I'd told her she was bang out of order,she'd send in the flying monkeys (my father) to try and make me out to be the wrong one 'your mother thought it was boring and she was trying to help...'

Then,if that didn't work,the smear campaign would start up

'But I was just trying to help and make it look nice for when you came home,after all,you have no taste...'

Hopefully it won't come to that

How disrespectful of them. The last thing you two need now is to get quotes for painting and have a decorator in the house.

Make no mistake. She did this for herself, not for you.

How do you fix this? Really?

I think your diplomatic restraint has given your mum the opportunity to seize victim status. You describe your mum as sometimes overbearing, I would describe this incident as controlling.

I think you need to turn the tables and be really firm with her. I would be inclined to send them the bill for redecoration but I would be clear that she does not have the right to redecorate your house just because it's not to her taste. Ask her how she would feel if she came out of hospital and you had painted her house in your preferred neutrals?

You do not have to try to protect someone's feelings just because they claim to be acting with good intentions. Transgressing other people's boundaries is never well intentioned, it's control even if there is no malice. Nip this in the bud now or she will be undermining you for evermore.

I grew up in a family like this, op, yanbu at all

It's hard to explain to people because it's not 'abuse' but mine would then go around telling everyone I'm ungrateful and a bully for not liking having my home changed

Just leave it and focus on your baby. They'll come round tbh, albeit passive aggressively

You can't change them. But you can live your life differently and raise your baby to know that standing up for yourself doesn't make you nasty.

Congratulations on your baby, and sorry you had a tough time having them xx

@YousayPassataISaypeastta - I’m not saying that, for me it falls into the category of so far beyond normal behavior it could well be made up, but as a PP has pointed out, OP appears genuine. People genuinely do surprise me every day. I can well imagine a batshit DM or MIL doing something like this, however peculiar!

I’d never let her have the baby alone! I can’t imagine what other crazy stuff she’d do!

I love purple, but bloody hell I wouldn't inflict it on someone else, let alone someone at a vulnerable stage of their life.