DM redecorated my lounge

[Blubstering]

I KNOW I’m not BU but need to know how to handle this. NC because I’ve spoken to a few people IRL.

I’ve recently had a baby and was in hospital for just over a week. DH was with me most of that time including the first 4 days where he was in with me overnight due to some complications (I had sepsis) and him needing to look after the baby while I wasn’t able to.

Anyway, during those first 4 days, my usually lovely mum decided to completely redecorate my living room. It did not need decorating, it was done fairly recently and we’d just painted it a soft taupy off white, which complimented our existing oak furniture nicely. It was simple but warm.

Mum has painted it a mid grey on 2 walls and royal purple on the other 2 walls. It looks absolutely awful.

DH came home and saw it but didn’t tell me what had happened until the day I came home. He warned me, and when we got home mum was there all smiles and proud of herself thinking she had done a nice thing for us. I felt like one of those people on Changing Rooms the mid 2000’s when they had to stand next to Carol Smiley and pretend to love their new rooms when absolutely everyone in the room knew it looked absolutely dire. She’s not even done a neat job, the purples smudged into the grey walls in the corners and there’s purple on the window frames too.

I said something about feeling very tired and mum took the hint and left but did seem quite off, then I just cried and then went to bed. Mum then texted me and said ‘what do you think??’ So I took the opportunity and replied ‘I really appreciate the thought mum but it’s not our taste, I wish you’d asked us first xx’ which I think was fairly balanced.

I then got a phone call from my dad to say mum was in bits and very offended I’m not more grateful for her efforts and she was only trying to do something nice for us. So I said that I appreciated that but reiterated the colour isn’t to our taste and we hadn’t long since decorated the living room the way we wanted it. He said ‘yes but it was far too plain’… I’m not sure what happened but I’m so tired I physically felt like I couldn’t talk anymore so I just put the phone down.

Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??

@Blubstering - hope things are going well with you and your little one.

Have they been back in touch since their redecorating escapades?? Have they said anything further to you about it??

Lucky to survive? Yes. Lucky to have a toxic mum who took the opportunity to ruin her lounge with her unasked for decorating? No. Why on earth does OP surviving a life threatening illness give her mother carte blanche to do exactly what she pleases, even if it will upset the OP?

Your value system is weird. When you talk about some people 'owing nothing to our own, yet constantly worrying about people about whom we know nothing', you sound like one of those people who cares exclusively about their own family but couldn't give a toss about the wellbeing of the wider society in which you live.

"Anyway the upshot is my parents are now no longer speaking to me and I’ve got a new baby so could really use their support. How do I fix this??".

So the only reason you want to "fix this" is because you've got a new baby and want their help?

TBH, you've nothing to "fix". She crossed a very big line. No one, and I mean NO ONE, should even consider redecorating another person's home without their full consent on every aspect of it. It's just not on. It's not a "nice" thing to do, it's an invasion. And your dad's reasoning that it needed doing because your room was "too plain" before is downright insulting. It was decorated to YOUR taste, so he's effectively telling you that your taste sucks. Not OK!
You don't need their help with the baby. You may want it, but that's a different thing altogether. Grovelling to them just so you can get that help feels kinda....dirty, to me, I guess.

If it were me I'd write them a well thought out, polite but firm message or email, stating that whilst you appreciated your mum's efforts, you feel that she did overstep a line. That your lounge was very recently redecorated to you and your DH's tastes and that's how you both wanted it and liked it. The fact that your parents think it's "too plain" is immaterial because they don't live there. That the lounge now needs to be returned to it's pre-make over colour and condition, which is a large undertaking with a new baby in tow, so you hope they can see that they haven't, in fact, helped in this instance. Reiterate once again that you appreciated the thought, but wished that your mother had run it past you or your DH first.

Then leave the ball in their court. They owe you both a huge apology, and I'd be inclined to think they also owe you the cost of hiring a decorator to return it to its "pre-maker over" condition.....

@Hwi - no nothing like coming out of an earthquake and finding your porcelain figurine has been broken in the earthquake- more like surviving the earthquake and finding some member of your family has stolen and sold your figurine as they’d never liked it and you weren’t there to stop them. (And then coming on MN to be told to be grateful as it’s a lot of hassle to sell a figurine, so the family member had done you a favour.)

The mum didn’t do a nice thing. The mum didn’t like the decoration and rather than thinking “what would be a nice thing for my daughter” she did something she knew her daughter wouldn’t like but was finally in a situation she wouldn’t be able to stop her.

@Blubstering What happened next?? I keep wondering! I hope DP are now giving you the help you need.

I just read another thread about MIL changing the living room about and it made think of this thread.

How have things been since the fall out? I hope your mum has apologised @Blubstering

How are things @Blubstering ?

I was also thinking about this thread, hope things have settled down for you @Blubstering

a happy update: mum came round and we had a heart to heart. She understands they was out of line and we’ve put it to bed. She’s paying for a decorator to fix it in a couple of weeks and she’s been spending loads of time here with us which has been brilliant. She’s great with the baby, now DH is back at work she’s been over a lot just cooking and doing little jobs. The house has never been cleaner . Our relationship has changed quite a bit so we’re navigating that, but I’m very grateful for her at the moment.

MIL didn’t come, still hasn’t met the baby but that’s her choice and it’s ok, im a bit relieved really.

Oh also I should mention that health wise we’ve had some set backs. Lots of issues with my energy and iron levels but seem to be getting better. My milk never arrived thanks to the blood loss etc so we are formula feeding but given the start we had, I’ve made my peace with that.

That’s a great update @Blubstering, I’m so pleased you and your mum can move on together in baby worship!

Fed is best! You’re doing absolutely amazing mama. I planned to BF and didn’t have milk come in. My baby boys are now a happy and healthy 11 and 13.

Thanks for the lovely update!

It's your MIL's loss if she can't be bothered to visit you and the baby. I'm not surprised that you are relieved though. She sounds like a difficult MIL.

Great update, I'm glad you sorted things your mum.

And fed is best, I was the same you with my first, major blood loss so formula fed him and he's a strapping 11 year old, happy and healthy! Had no complications with DD 5 but my milk supply just wasn't enough that time either and she's happy and healthy too!!

Enjoy motherhood!! ❤️

Glad to read such a happy update and that you and your DM have worked it out. Congrats on your lovely new baby. All the best

Wonderful update. Hope you and the baby are doing well.

This is great news you have resolved this and you have plenty of support with your new baby 🤗 enjoy x

Never mind that it’s 10 years too late.

WTF do you mean Devianinc?

The OP has updated yesterday since you posted her original in full (and pointlessly)!

I quite like Cadbury purple -- as a nail polish.
On a wall of my house - Christ no.