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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not pay for them?

287 replies

Trinity890 · 06/02/2025 14:26

It's my granddaughters birthday coming up and I offered to take GD, DD & her DH for a meal to celebrate.

My daughters husband has older DC who I rarely see, they were not due to be with them on this day (Saturday) but now are due to a change in their mum's plans.

I have no problem at all with them coming along, obviously. But AIBU to say whilst I'm happy to pay for DD, DH & DGD as originally planned, they will need to cover DHs older kids?

I'm not living in poverty but neither am I rich and I have next to no relationship with the older ones.

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 06/02/2025 14:28

If you’re not paying for them all then personally I think you need to rearrange the meal for another day

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 06/02/2025 14:28

You must pay. How would your step grandchild feel to be singled out. Give the child a treat and try to get to know them better.

Rickrolypoly · 06/02/2025 14:28

pay for them or reschedule for when they are not there.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 06/02/2025 14:29

If the dad offers to pay you could accept but please don’t ask.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 06/02/2025 14:29

Why not just pay for the dc and the adults pay for themselves?

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 06/02/2025 14:30

I think it was a little bit cheeky of his son in laws to invite them to be honest but as he has, then yes, ask him if he can pay for his kids

sprigatito · 06/02/2025 14:33

It's your decision, but if I were your DD or SIL we would be politely declining your invitation and celebrating as a family instead.

If you can't afford to pay for all of the children in the family, by all means explain that to your daughter and either cancel or ask to go halves (which would be embarrassing, because you should have thought this through before you made the offer). You don't get to divide their family into the deserving and the undeserving, and if your daughter is any sort of a decent person she won't even consider allowing you to.

Pinkelephant66 · 06/02/2025 14:34

If you have no relationship with them then no, you shouldn’t pay. And the dad should not expect you to pay. He should be offering to avoid any awkwardness

you could possibly change the day but if it’s a faff and difficult to get you all together for the meal, then I don’t think you should have to change your plans because the other children are now coming

YoungGunsHavingSomeFunCrazyLadiesKeepEmOnTheRun · 06/02/2025 14:36

Just tell them your finances are limited so an extra couple of meals is out of your budget and ask to reschedule the meal, see what solution they come up with.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2025 14:37

They can't come then everyone has an awkward conversation about not paying for them. You need to work something else out in advance. However, since you rarely see them, and they are your GD's step siblings, it might be nice to get to know them. Is that worth two meals?

Flopsythebunny · 06/02/2025 14:39

I rarely ever see my step grandchildren, but I wouldn't dream of not including and paying for them under these circumstances

Whoarethoseguys · 06/02/2025 14:41

If you can afford it I would just pay for them all they are your grand daughter 's siblings so even though you might not have a relationship with them she will.
Of course if it means it will leave you short you should probably rearrange it

YaWeeFurryBastard · 06/02/2025 14:41

I wouldn’t begrudge my step-grandchildren (because that’s what they are) a meal for their sibling’s birthday, how mean.

chesterelly1 · 06/02/2025 14:42

Depending on age that could be near enough an extra 50% on your bill. I think I'd try and find somewhere cheaper to eat so your original budget will stretch to pay for everyone, maybe somewhere with a kids eat free offer or a fixed price brunch? Treating them the same could be the start of forming some lovely family bonds.

ValentineValentineV · 06/02/2025 14:43

I like the suggestion of offering to pay for all the DC and not the mum and dad.

BeatriceBest · 06/02/2025 14:44

Do you want to build a relationship with them?

If not have a quiet word with your daughter and reschedule. It’s rude to invite new people to a meal someone else’s paying for without discussion.

mrsm43s · 06/02/2025 14:45

I don't think it would be OK to specifically say that you'll pay for everyone except the step grandchildren.

However, if money genuinely is tight (as opposed to you just not wanting to pay for them) then have a chat with your DD and point out that you can't stretch to paying for 6? people instead of 4, so can you split the bill in some way? Either you pay for all the children and yourself and DD and DSIL pay for themselves, or maybe a straight 50/50 split down the middle.

Whatever you do, it shouldn't come across as "I don't want to pay for step GC" as that will come across as mean spirited.

SussexLass87 · 06/02/2025 14:45

There are so many really odd threads today.

KhakiShaker · 06/02/2025 14:47

Offer to pay for all the kids. Don’t isolate the step kids.

Snorandrepeat · 06/02/2025 14:48

I cannot imagine my granddaughters step grandma doing this . It is so important that a step child is accepted and included at all times.

PaigeMac · 06/02/2025 14:48

Going against the grain but I think DD and SIL have got a bit of a cheek bringing extra guests without asking you, at the very least they should have said “Of course we’ll cover the extra cost”

festivemouse · 06/02/2025 14:50

I actually think that's totally reasonable 🤷🏻‍♀️

You don't get to just bring along two extra mouths to a paid for meal and expect them to be covered too! Especially as they're not really "family" - they're the husband's older kids, who the OP doesn't have a grandma / grandchild relationship with.

I'd quietly speak to your DD and say that's out of the budget, you're happy to go ahead as planned if they can cover the extra attendees or reschedule if they can't.

Bojanglesmcduff · 06/02/2025 14:55

If we agree to pay for a meal sil always suddenly adds about 4 more guests, it’s really annoying. it’s nothing to do with my relationship with the guests (or yours to sgc) and everything to do with agreeing to pay for something based on the budget, then that budget suddenly shifting. It’s really rude.

equally however I’ve been the step child that everyone makes it very clear is an added burden and cost and they’d rather you weren’t there. If they don’t have form for being cf and you can afford it I’d maybe let it go for their sake.
if you decide to say something I do think it’d be unpleasant to say it’s because of your limited relationship with them, it makes the gift to your dd seem very transactional as well.

Hdjdb42 · 06/02/2025 14:56

I'd rearrange.

Irritateddaily · 06/02/2025 15:04

Nah your daughters husband has orchestrated this on purpose and invited his children.

You'd already explained who you were paying for, it isn't fair of them to expect you to pull an extra 50% out of your ass ??

I'd apologise and rearrange and state you've budgeted a specific amount due to the costs and hadn't expected them to be joining. Whilst they're welcome and part of the family you haven't allocated enough to pay for them as they were added short notice.

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