AIBU to not pay for them?

[Trinity890]

It's my granddaughters birthday coming up and I offered to take GD, DD & her DH for a meal to celebrate.

My daughters husband has older DC who I rarely see, they were not due to be with them on this day (Saturday) but now are due to a change in their mum's plans.

I have no problem at all with them coming along, obviously. But AIBU to say whilst I'm happy to pay for DD, DH & DGD as originally planned, they will need to cover DHs older kids?

I'm not living in poverty but neither am I rich and I have next to no relationship with the older ones.

omg those are her dd’s step kids

imagine your mum’s plans change so you go to your dad’s and are thought of as an unwanted interloper

For another £30/40/50 I would just pay for them to keep family relations good and maybe use the opportunity to bond a little with them. I have step nieces and nephews and I always just pay for them if they're with my sister and her child and I'm getting lunch, tickets for something, icecreams etc because they are part of the family.

I would let SIL or DD make a contribution if they wanted to otherwise I woukd pay unless it was outside of what I could afford. If I cou,dngbaffird it, I'd tell DD what my budget was for the event.

It's very wrong for anyone to expect you to pay for the step children. Either rearrange so they wont be there, (which may be tricky if they get sprung on your SiL), or talk beforehand to DD & SiL to sort it out. The kids won't notice the bill-paying, why would they? There must be no awkwardness at the table.

Extra people? It’s not like DH invited a couple of colleagues for his mil to pay for. They’re his fucking kids!!!!! The half siblings of OP’s granddaughter

Hear Hear.

Having to watch your pennies is nothing to be ashamed of but I’d be mortified if I had children come into my family and I was able to say I hardly knew them, or very rarely saw them.

Are you absolutely sure that they know that you're paying, or are you all just doing that British thing of not discussing money until you've had the meal and when the bill comes you were planning on saying "I'm getting this!". Because they might be fully expecting to pay themselves, in which case extra people would not seem rude.

Otherwise: I earn less than minimum wage (p/t freelancer) so not exactly loaded but in your shoes, I would pay. It's not the kids' fault! However, I also think it would be polite for your DC and family to offer to pay, and if I was in their shoes I'd be expecting to pay my own way.

I'm not sure why there are so many posts saying YABU.

How many kids are there?! Having an extra two at a meal could add another £80 onto the bill, or more if they're teenagers!

If you GENUINELY cannot afford it, then have a quiet word with your daughter and say you'd love for them to come along, but you have only budgeted for 4 people and not sure your finances could stretch to 6 (7? 8?) so would they be able to help you out a bit with the additional cost.

If you can afford to pay, then just pay. Cancelling or refusing to pay for them will drive a wedge between you and your daughter.

But WHY do they have to be wanted? They aren’t the OP’s relatives. The dynamic is already changed why should OP pay 25% more on her bill (more if teens are hungry) for children she doesn’t especially want to be there?

I would do this or speak to your DD separately and explain you can’t stretch to the two extra heads so can the supper be rescheduled.

if you genuinely can’t afford to pay for everyone, have an honest conversation with your daughter and tell her you’ve budgeted a certain amount and you’re happy to pay for yourself and the children, but the adults will have to cover their own bill.

If they’re not happy with that they can offer to reschedule.

I'd explain you can't afford to pay for them all. Split the bill.

I think it's mean not to pay for the step-grandchildren. Way to show them they're not really part of the family.

Speak to your daughter, tell her you had planned to pay for dinner as a treat but had budgeted for 6 not 4. Dont do it at the restaurant. I'm assuming they are grown up and wouldn't be having kids meals?

But OP doesn’t know them and never sees them. Should she have lied?

As I’ve said who they are isn’t relevant - it’s cheeky AF to invite people along and expect someone else to pay

Children are odd as they tend to consider their siblings as family. They even want their siblings to be there at their birthday celebrations.

(They can be very different to bitter munsnetters.)

As someone who grew up in a blended family I maybe clapped eyes on my step siblings Grandparents maybe three times. I never thought to make a fuss of whether I was part of their family because I wasn’t and that was ok. In fact I hated feeling patronised about being part of a blended family. I still had 2 parents so didn’t need extra random people who didn’t choose me to be in their lives.

Why do people behave like SC have something missing from their lives?

While it may be an unpopular opinion, I'd contact whoever in the family you made the arrangement with, and tell them that due to circumstances outside of your control, you're going to reschedule the meal out.

Do children need the validation of some woman they barely know before they consider their siblings as family?

I don’t need to imagine it…that was my life 😂

Obviously the sarcasm didn’t come across.

The OP has NEVER said she doesn’t want the kids there this is just about money.

So half of these posts are answering a problem the OP doesn’t have

But OP doesn’t know them and never sees them. Should she have lied?

Lie? No.

Make them more welcome and make more of an effort with them from the start? Yes.

As I’ve said who they are isn’t relevant - it’s cheeky AF to invite people along and expect someone else to pay

Of course it’s relevant. They’re family. And it’s disgraceful the birthday celebration was organised in the first place on a day the children were with their mum. They’ve been excluded from the get go.

It did but perhaps not for everyone.

And I’m sorry this was the story of your life.

Yes re the cost - I once had family visiting and took them out for a meal (father and son). The son who was 10 at the time ordered a fucking sirloin stake! I paid £29 for him to eat a sliver of stake 3 chips and to say “I don’t like it” while his dad said fuck all (it was the first and last time I accosted a visit). He also ordered 4 cokes. Kids don’t always realise the cost of things and adults don’t always check them on it

So to feel part of a family you have to have money spent on you? How transactional

Why shouldn’t the DD and SIL pay?

I don't think it's "begrudging" the SGC at all! OP has said she's not exactly rich and she doesn't really have a relationship with them.
It doesn't mean she doesn't like them, just that she hasn't seen them very much. And in that case, I don't see why she should be having to pay for them! That would be awkward for me, like paying for strangers!
I also think it's a bit cheeky if the parents assume that they'll coming to the meal now and be paid for.
I'd mention to your DD that you hadn't really budgeted for 2 extra and see what they say.
Hopefully they'll understand and arrange for another time or offer to chip in x