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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not pay for them?

287 replies

Trinity890 · 06/02/2025 14:26

It's my granddaughters birthday coming up and I offered to take GD, DD & her DH for a meal to celebrate.

My daughters husband has older DC who I rarely see, they were not due to be with them on this day (Saturday) but now are due to a change in their mum's plans.

I have no problem at all with them coming along, obviously. But AIBU to say whilst I'm happy to pay for DD, DH & DGD as originally planned, they will need to cover DHs older kids?

I'm not living in poverty but neither am I rich and I have next to no relationship with the older ones.

OP posts:
Flopsythebunny · 07/02/2025 15:23

MoonWoman69 · 07/02/2025 15:17

@Flopsythebunny It would be really helpful if you properly read the OP and digested it, rather than interpreting it into your own little spin. She never once said she can afford it! She said she's not poor, but she's not rich either! How you interpreted that as being able to afford it, I've no idea! Lucky for you if you don't have to count every penny, but some people do! 🙄

Yes she did.
Im not rich. I survive on pip and my husband still works in his 70's because his pension was stolen, but we would still pay for a meal for our step grandchildren.

MoonWoman69 · 07/02/2025 15:51

@Flopsythebunny

To quote the OP:

I'm not living in poverty but neither am I rich and I have next to no relationship with the older ones.

I don't see how she's saying she can afford it there! Besides that she hardly knows them! And they are not related at all, if they had been, it would have been a different story!
Why should she have to pay for them under these circumstances?! I certainly wouldn't and I think she's right not to either!
The meal that has been arranged is for her granddaughters birthday at the end of the day. She shouldn't have been put in this position.

I'm disappointed that the OP hasn't been back, it would have been nice for her to at least acknowledge the comments.
It does worry me somewhat that this may have been a "wind 'em up, watch 'em go" post...

BrightonFrock · 07/02/2025 15:57

If I offered to take a family out to dinner and had a certain spend in mind, I would find a restaurant where my budget could accommodate everyone. If that means changing plans because more of the family are coming so be it.

But she didn’t offer to take “a family” to dinner. She offered to take her daughter, SIL and granddaughter to dinner - for her granddaughter’s birthday. It wasn’t some general “come on, come all” invitation.

My aunt and uncle are also part of my family. If I offer to treat my parents to dinner, can they just turn up and I have to wear it regardless?

UnpropitiousNightmares · 07/02/2025 16:01

If your son-in-law is your grand-daughter's father, that would make your son-in-law's children your grand-daughter's siblings. On that basis, I would strongly advise you to not leave her siblings out and simply pay for them too.

InterIgnis · 07/02/2025 16:08

Flopsythebunny · 07/02/2025 15:23

Yes she did.
Im not rich. I survive on pip and my husband still works in his 70's because his pension was stolen, but we would still pay for a meal for our step grandchildren.

Show quote history

Okay, but why does that mean OP should do the same?

She doesn’t have a ‘grandparent’ relationship with them, and it doesn’t seem to the case that they look to her to provide one either. They weren’t invited in the first place.

This situation is the result of their mother’s plans suddenly changing, rather than a case of their father objecting to a dinner that doesn’t include them.

SemperIdem · 07/02/2025 16:08

UnpropitiousNightmares · 07/02/2025 16:01

If your son-in-law is your grand-daughter's father, that would make your son-in-law's children your grand-daughter's siblings. On that basis, I would strongly advise you to not leave her siblings out and simply pay for them too.

Maybe you should also offer to sub the op the money to pay, as it is evident from her post that the additional cost is problematic, to go with your strong advice.

mamajong · 07/02/2025 16:23

If its an issue of affordability then I'd offer to cover a share of the bill rather than break it down to 'im paying for these particular people', or as others have said just pay for the kids and let your DD and DH pay for themselves. Alternatively just pay for mains only.

Yanbu if you don't have a relationship with those kids, but equally it's not their fault and I'd want to spare their feelings by not singling them out, while sticking within your originally budgeted spend

Tourmalines · 07/02/2025 19:13

I think it’s cheeky of the SIL to bring them along and not put his hand in his own pocket to pay for them .

UnpropitiousNightmares · 08/02/2025 07:38

@Semperldem

" Maybe you should also offer to sub the op the money to pay, as it is evident from her post that the additional cost is problematic, to go with your strong advice. "

Maybe you should also offer to sub the OP the money to pay for Family Counselling when her reluctance to include her Granddaughters siblings blows up in her face and causes a huge rift within the family.

BrightonFrock · 08/02/2025 10:43

FFS - if it was going to cause a “huge rift”, why didn’t the OP’s daughter and SIL ask if they could have the meal on a weekend when the other children would be with them? They weren’t even supposed to be there! They’re only there because their mother changed her plans! If their dad wasn’t concerned enough to say “Would you mind if we do it next weekend so I can include the older children?”, it’s hardly going to cause a “huge rift” if he has to pay for their own meals.

Let’s be honest - given the OP never came back, the whole thing is probably a work of fiction anyway. But if you’re going to comment, at least base it on what’s actually there.

SemperIdem · 08/02/2025 13:32

UnpropitiousNightmares · 08/02/2025 07:38

@Semperldem

" Maybe you should also offer to sub the op the money to pay, as it is evident from her post that the additional cost is problematic, to go with your strong advice. "

Maybe you should also offer to sub the OP the money to pay for Family Counselling when her reluctance to include her Granddaughters siblings blows up in her face and causes a huge rift within the family.

Most families, outside of Eastenders, don’t experience huge rifts over very minor incidents. Is your family unusually volatile?

JandamiHash · 08/02/2025 13:46

Flopsythebunny · 07/02/2025 15:23

Yes she did.
Im not rich. I survive on pip and my husband still works in his 70's because his pension was stolen, but we would still pay for a meal for our step grandchildren.

Show quote history

Then you’re not struggling in the least

Flopsythebunny · 08/02/2025 14:46

JandamiHash · 08/02/2025 13:46

Then you’re not struggling in the least

Show quote history

Neither is the op. She's just mean spirited

JandamiHash · 08/02/2025 14:48

Flopsythebunny · 08/02/2025 14:46

Neither is the op. She's just mean spirited

Show quote history

She can’t afford it: that’s clear.

And how is it mean spirited to not pay for extra guests you didn’t expect or agree to? Isn’t the son in law mean spirited to bringing uninvited guests along and expecting someone else to pay?

HipMax · 08/02/2025 14:56

Flopsythebunny · 08/02/2025 14:46

Neither is the op. She's just mean spirited

Show quote history

She is not. What a dickish thing to say. Check your privilege.

Flopsythebunny · 08/02/2025 14:59

HipMax · 08/02/2025 14:56

She is not. What a dickish thing to say. Check your privilege.

Show quote history

Odfod

HipMax · 08/02/2025 15:02

Flopsythebunny · 08/02/2025 14:59

Odfod

Show quote history

You first.

UpMyself · 08/02/2025 15:05

@Flopsythebunny ,read the OP. We don't know anything about the grandchild's wishes, how many half-siblings the grandchild has, or what the family dynamic is. All we know is that the OP isn't close to them and that they weren't invited because they were meant to be with their mother that weekend.

BrightonFrock · 08/02/2025 15:35

Flopsythebunny · 08/02/2025 14:59

Odfod

Show quote history

You’re so desperate to tell everyone how lovely you are because you wouldn’t dreeeeeam of excluding the step grandchildren (who may not even give a toss for all you know) - yet you’re telling anyone who disagrees with you to fuck off. Lovely indeed.

heyhopotato · 08/02/2025 15:38

If nothing else it's a sign you should be trying to develop a closer relationship with the older ones.

HipMax · 08/02/2025 15:46

heyhopotato · 08/02/2025 15:38

If nothing else it's a sign you should be trying to develop a closer relationship with the older ones.

Why? She barely knows them and is nothing to them.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/02/2025 18:56

So what did you decide to do @Trinity890

Did you all go out today or ask dd/dh to pay for the extra 2 meals

MoonWoman69 · 08/02/2025 20:33

@JandamiHash @HipMax @BrightonFrock

I seriously wouldn't bother dollies, you're wasting your breath, you can't argue with someone stupid enough not to get it! They clearly can't comprehend the situation, if they've bothered to read the OP at all! It's like banging your head against a brick wall! 🙄

Cherrysoup · 08/02/2025 20:54

I’d have spoken to dd in advance and said it’s unfortunate but you can’t afford to pay for the extra (uninvited) people, no matter who they are. You weren’t told about them at the start, it’s unfair to expect you to pay unexpected costs when you’re treating your dgd.

Tourmalines · 08/02/2025 21:04

Maybe they are out to dinner this Saturday and all have had a great time . SIL paid for his own elder kids, as so he should , and all is well. Pity OP can’t come and let us all know exactly what the intentions were on his part . Maybe he had no intention of expecting her to pay .