AIBU to not pay for them?

[Trinity890]

It's my granddaughters birthday coming up and I offered to take GD, DD & her DH for a meal to celebrate.

My daughters husband has older DC who I rarely see, they were not due to be with them on this day (Saturday) but now are due to a change in their mum's plans.

I have no problem at all with them coming along, obviously. But AIBU to say whilst I'm happy to pay for DD, DH & DGD as originally planned, they will need to cover DHs older kids?

I'm not living in poverty but neither am I rich and I have next to no relationship with the older ones.

I see it the other way - it’s not a threat of suffering, it’s natural consequences of being made to feel shit or other. Paying for them would show goodwill and kindness. And the MIL could then expect the same in return sometime down the line.

Pay for them all or don’t go , what you are suggesting is embarrassing and if I was your daughter or SIL and you suggested this to me I would just cancel the whole thing .

“I’m afraid I do consider it shit on her shoe.“

Of course two kids she has no real relationship with are ‘less than’ her actual grandchild. Considering that there hasn’t been effort put into developing a relationship like that, and that there was no problem with not inviting the ‘less than’ kids in the first place, I don’t think OP not paying for extra guests is going to result in the drama you want it to.

I should think surely that your dd and her dh will say that they will pay for his older dc? If not, I think you should just pay it and skimp on something else if it will leave you a bit short. Anyway, that is what I would do because I would not wish to discuss it.

I think your son in law has got a cheek if he expects you to pay, that was not the arrangement when you booked the meal, and you were quite clear who you were paying for.

Plans have been changed, that is not your problem to deal with, of course these children can come, but you are not made of money, so let the Father pay.

When you’re weaponizing it as a threat, you too will have to bear the natural consequences of that.

Their father can pay for them. Not expecting his MIL to cough up for an extra two guests would show kindness and goodwill on his part.

Pay for them all or pay for none imo. I like the suggestion of you saying you’ll pay for the children - that way it works out the same for everyone as you just paying for the original 3 and your step grandchildren don’t feel singled out.
Whatever agreement you come to, make sure it’s worked out before hand so you’re not awkwardly saying well I’m not paying for you when the bill comes.

Tell your daughter you can't pay for her husband or his kids due to your finances.

Is he working? And still expected to cadge a nice meal for he and his kids you barely know off a senior? That's a lot of money if you're living on a fixed income. SMH and side eye.

Why do you think I want drama? I won’t ever know or have any shits to give. I’m trying to help op not to do something that could cause her to be resented.

It's a child's meal, FFS. It is not going to break the bank and it is not the poor kid's fault that he is going to be with one parent rather than the other. If you have offered to take the family out, you take the family out. If you feel really uncomfortable forking out an extra tenner for a kid's burger, postpone the evening out, but please don't make yourself look petty and churlish.

Because you’re painting a picture of some dire outcome for OP when you have zero clue as to whether that’s anything other than complete fantasy on your part.

Why would OP be resented? They’re the ones that have changed the plans, so there’s every chance already that they don’t expect her to be out of pocket.

I agree he should offer to pay for them, but op should then say, that’s kind of you but don’t worry I’ll pay.

its not being weaponised as a threat anywya. I’m trying to say that if you treat someone as lesser, or someone’s kids as lesser, you very well might tannish that someone’s view of you and their actions towards you in the future could reflect that.

so again, I caution op not to rearrange or say she won’t pay

I would be so surprised if your daughter and SIL still expect you to pay the whole bill now.

Depends if you think the amount of money you will save is worth the aggravation, or if you just want to make a point.

No, OP ‘should’ decide for herself what she wants to do regarding her own money. She budgeted for four, not six. It would be incredibly rude and presumptuous to expect her to pay.

His kids are lesser to her. Considering they’re not her grandchildren, and he has seemingly never expected her to consider them her grandchildren, it’s a leap to claim that he even has a problem with this.

Depends on the age of these older children. My 13 yo eats an adult meal. This could easily mean £20-£25 extra as there’d be drinks on top too. For two older kids it could be £50-£60 extra on top.

Well you and I can disagree and op can choose whatever advice she wants to follow.

she said she can afford 6 anyway.
and I would treat the family of 5 as a unit, rather than saying those two aren’t my grandchildren so I won’t pay for them.

OP’s choice though

How would you feel if you heard his parents had excluded your grandchildren from meal costs ? For the sake of £50 I’d be happy to keep everyone happy

I'm trying to think myself into OP's son-in-law's head.

Myself, wife and daughter have been invited out by my wife's mother to celebrate my daughter/her granddaughter's birthday. She is expecting it to be a meal for four, and she's kindly paying. Now my two older children, unrelated to her, will be with us that day. Should I expect her to spend 50% more than she was expecting to? Or should I offer to pay for my eldest's meals?

I would be judging him if this were not going through his mind. I'd also be judging OP's daughter if it were not going through her mind too!

There was an excellent suggestion made earlier that OP pay for the children's meals and her daughter and son-in-law pay for their own meals. I think that's the way I would go.

So? Being able to afford six, at a stretch, doesn’t oblige her to.

I’m not sure what your preferred family dynamic has to do with OP, or indeed anyone that isn’t your family. Not all families operate in the same way, or even want or have to.

Honestly OP I would just clarify with your daughter. It may very well be that they don’t expect you to pay for the extra two anyway.

I'd just tell them that you can't cover all 6 as you can't afford it and reschedule for another day.

I'd just say, "I won't be able to pay for everyone, sorry, so can we go halves?"

It is rude to invite extra people without checking with the one paying or mentioning you will be covering the costs of those you've invited along.
But these are children ( unless theure adults ) I would cover the costs of all the children and let my daughter and her husband cover their meals, I think that's more than fair and inclusive especially if op has a limited budget.

What better chance to get to know them! Include them, build a relationship. They parents here haven’t tried to trick you into paying for two extra meals. You had an arrangement for a family meal and their other children are now available to attend, through no fault of theirs or their parents. You would definitely be unreasonable to “other” them by rescheduling or saying you wont cover the cost of their meal specifically.

You can feel how you want about it. Buy less for future birthdays to even the deficit. Say you’re delighted, but might need to go halves as you only budgeted for 4 meals. However you want. Just don’t let the children feel weird about it.