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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not pay for them?

287 replies

Trinity890 · 06/02/2025 14:26

It's my granddaughters birthday coming up and I offered to take GD, DD & her DH for a meal to celebrate.

My daughters husband has older DC who I rarely see, they were not due to be with them on this day (Saturday) but now are due to a change in their mum's plans.

I have no problem at all with them coming along, obviously. But AIBU to say whilst I'm happy to pay for DD, DH & DGD as originally planned, they will need to cover DHs older kids?

I'm not living in poverty but neither am I rich and I have next to no relationship with the older ones.

OP posts:
nodramaplz · 06/02/2025 16:05

Either rearrange, or give a lump sum to DD to pay their bit.
For instance if you anticipated the bill being £50 for their part before the other children, then give DD that.

There are polite ways around it.

user7421908523 · 06/02/2025 16:05

Unless your going to drip feed that there’s 4 or 5 step children, i think I’d suck it up and pay, assuming there’s just one or two extra!

Hollietree · 06/02/2025 16:05

I think it depends where you are going and the cost.

Is it a place that has a set kids menu for £8-10 and the kids are young enough to order from it? Then I would just pay the extra, it’s not much.

But if they are teens and likely to cost more like £20+ per head then I think I’d have a quiet word with my daughter - explain that whilst you would love to spent time with the step children, it’s pushed the price of the meal above your budget. I would suggest they all come to your house for a takeaway instead. But hopefully they will offer at this point to pay for the two kids at the restaurant, without you having to awkwardly suggest this.

ForRealCat · 06/02/2025 16:06

I think you've been put in a crappy position OP, I don't think it is right for your son-in-law just to extend the invite without offering to pay. People have budgets, they often need to stick to them, I think it is fine to include the half siblings, indeed I think it is probably better to do the celebration on a day they can come, rather than can't; but it is poor form to just assume the host can absorb the extra cost.

Their Dad should have come to you and said my DC are now home and will be coming so I'd like to split the bill.

Jeschara · 06/02/2025 16:07

CoastalCalm · 06/02/2025 15:53

How would you feel if you heard his parents had excluded your grandchildren from meal costs ? For the sake of £50 I’d be happy to keep everyone happy

Why should she pay a extra 50 or 60 quid? I cannot believe this, it was stated upthread the OP should skimp on something else, what for fucks sake food for herself, not keeping warm? OP may have saved up for this treat.
It has nothing to do with the fact she is the step gran it's to do with changed arrangemts and affordability. It's easy for people with money to virtue signal to say Oh I will pay.
If it was just a gathering round her house of course she would invite them but with the restaurant it is about cost.

miraxxx · 06/02/2025 16:08

Cancel the meal and just buy your GD a present OP. Problem solved.

Moveoverdarlin · 06/02/2025 16:11

I think it would be incredibly mean and stingy not to pay for the step grandchildren. Providing they don’t take the piss and order bottles of Moët, what are we talking another £25? Do you really want to put your DD and DSIL noses out of joint for the sake of £25?

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2025 16:12

OP not been back? Shocker.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 06/02/2025 16:15

Rickrolypoly · 06/02/2025 14:28

pay for them or reschedule for when they are not there.

Totally agree with this.

ForRealCat · 06/02/2025 16:16

Moveoverdarlin · 06/02/2025 16:11

I think it would be incredibly mean and stingy not to pay for the step grandchildren. Providing they don’t take the piss and order bottles of Moët, what are we talking another £25? Do you really want to put your DD and DSIL noses out of joint for the sake of £25?

A main meal in my local pub starts at £19 now. If they are eating from the adult menu and have two courses this could easily be an extra £60 on the bill? I don't think it is stingy to be unhappy about having an unexpected expense of this level sprung on you.

The half siblings should be invited, but the dad should have instantly offered to pay. It is rude to spend someone else's money for them, without checking what they are comfortable with

BruFord · 06/02/2025 16:17

ForRealCat · 06/02/2025 16:06

I think you've been put in a crappy position OP, I don't think it is right for your son-in-law just to extend the invite without offering to pay. People have budgets, they often need to stick to them, I think it is fine to include the half siblings, indeed I think it is probably better to do the celebration on a day they can come, rather than can't; but it is poor form to just assume the host can absorb the extra cost.

Their Dad should have come to you and said my DC are now home and will be coming so I'd like to split the bill.

@ForRealCat I agree, if my plans changed and my children needed to come to a dinner, I would never expect the host to pay for two extra. I'd explain the changed situation and say that I'll pay for their meals.

Snowmanscarf · 06/02/2025 16:19

PaigeMac · 06/02/2025 14:48

Going against the grain but I think DD and SIL have got a bit of a cheek bringing extra guests without asking you, at the very least they should have said “Of course we’ll cover the extra cost”

Thus. Dh should pay.

JandamiHash · 06/02/2025 16:26

I don’t think the fact they’re step children is even relevant - you originally said you’d pay for 4, more people have been invited by someone else, so that someone should foot the bill.

Whether it’s stepchildren, siblings, mates or Barry from work - the rule is if you bring more people along then they (or in this case your SIL) need to pay

EwwwwwwDavid · 06/02/2025 16:29

Are they steps or half siblings to your DGD?

SemperIdem · 06/02/2025 16:31

It is rude to add additional people, children or otherwise, and just expect them to be paid for as well.

Threads run full here of people calling parents who drop off siblings to parties they’re not invited to, calling them out for their cheek.

nellythe · 06/02/2025 16:34

I’d explain you’d budgeted your finances and although you’re looking very much forward to seeing then children, you’ll only be able to cover all the children now and not the adults.
If there’s only 2 extra children you’ll probably end up saving money rather than paying for the 2 adults.
I definitely wouldn’t divide the bill any other way as it can easily look like your problem is with the children themselves!

BettyBardMacDonald · 06/02/2025 16:36

My toes literally curl at the idea of being so stingy. Imagine having the opportunity to be inclusive, welcoming, and generous, and deciding that it's too much of an imposition on yourself.

You adjust the hospitality that you can offer to accommodate the number of people; you don't slash the number of people you'll pay for. Go to a cheaper venue or have a picnic or take them to McDonald's if need be; better to have the memories of a hamburger outing where everyone was welcome than to have a fancy meal where there is awkwardness over who pays for what and who is A-List, B-List.

JuneySunshine · 06/02/2025 16:38

I wouldn't be pointed about it, just say it's a big group and you're happy to go halves. I would think that's all they could expect.

StormingNorman · 06/02/2025 16:39

Of course you don’t have to pay for the unwanted interlopers.

stichguru · 06/02/2025 16:40

I think that's totally reasonable - can't understand why anyone thinks it isn't honestly. Provided of course none of the kids now who is paying what, but assuming they don't, that's fine.

GabriellaMontez · 06/02/2025 16:41

BettyBardMacDonald · 06/02/2025 16:36

My toes literally curl at the idea of being so stingy. Imagine having the opportunity to be inclusive, welcoming, and generous, and deciding that it's too much of an imposition on yourself.

You adjust the hospitality that you can offer to accommodate the number of people; you don't slash the number of people you'll pay for. Go to a cheaper venue or have a picnic or take them to McDonald's if need be; better to have the memories of a hamburger outing where everyone was welcome than to have a fancy meal where there is awkwardness over who pays for what and who is A-List, B-List.

My toes curl at the thought of inviting extra people along to an event that someone else is paying for.

Mangolover123 · 06/02/2025 16:42

Just talk to you DD and DSIL, say that it will be a bit much for you to pay for everyone, are they OK if you share the costs. I am sure they will be fine with it.
Or pay the bill and let your DD and SIL pay the tip.

MixedFeelingsNoFeelings · 06/02/2025 16:43

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 06/02/2025 14:29

Why not just pay for the dc and the adults pay for themselves?

This seems the most sensible arrangement. Son-in-law has invited extra guests to OP's event, and has rather carelessly forgotten to offer to pay for them. In the light of that I'd put the above suggestion to him.

Whyherewego · 06/02/2025 16:44

Rather than making this about people, why don't you set a budget? So say that you planned to contributing £100 for the meal but now there's extra guests would DH be happy to cover any extra above that ?

JandamiHash · 06/02/2025 16:46

BettyBardMacDonald · 06/02/2025 16:36

My toes literally curl at the idea of being so stingy. Imagine having the opportunity to be inclusive, welcoming, and generous, and deciding that it's too much of an imposition on yourself.

You adjust the hospitality that you can offer to accommodate the number of people; you don't slash the number of people you'll pay for. Go to a cheaper venue or have a picnic or take them to McDonald's if need be; better to have the memories of a hamburger outing where everyone was welcome than to have a fancy meal where there is awkwardness over who pays for what and who is A-List, B-List.

Isn’t it more stingy to invite people to someone a meal someone else is paying for a refuse to fork out for them, just expecting the other person to add to their bill?