AIBU to not pay for them?

[Trinity890]

It's my granddaughters birthday coming up and I offered to take GD, DD & her DH for a meal to celebrate.

My daughters husband has older DC who I rarely see, they were not due to be with them on this day (Saturday) but now are due to a change in their mum's plans.

I have no problem at all with them coming along, obviously. But AIBU to say whilst I'm happy to pay for DD, DH & DGD as originally planned, they will need to cover DHs older kids?

I'm not living in poverty but neither am I rich and I have next to no relationship with the older ones.

It would feel pretty transactional for the stepkids if everyone was arguing about which schmuck actually had to pay for them. To feel part of a family you have to be...treated the same as everyone else. Shocker!

But they are your daughter's family? How unkind of you. Maybe actions like this are why you don't know them?

I wonder if the son in laws ex partner's parents will invite the OP's granddaughter to their family events? I expect not.

I often see in blended families that is the new step grandparents who are expected to treat all the children the same but those expectations are not put on the step childrens grandparents to include any new half siblings.

This is sad. Read the other threads about step grandchildren being excluded by grandparents. Make those kids feel welcome.

Can you afford it?

If so, you are just being mean.

So it’s cheeky fuckery to massively add to someone’s else’s expenses, when you haven’t asked or had approval? Ask long as they’re family? Why can’t OP’s son in law pay for them?

It’s not disgraceful at all. Why should the OP be begging to be involved with kids who aren’t related and she barely sees? And I imagine the meal is on her GD’s birthday and son in law is the NRP rather than purposefully done to exclude them.

But the SIL wouldn’t be going out with his ex in-laws so it’s not remotely the same . That’s a bit like saying would the SIL and daughter send their joint child to stay with his ex partner for the weekend , it’s hardly likely is it .

I don’t think OP is planning to start an argument. And if they feel excluded it’s because their dad and SM are piss takers

And I don’t agree that feeling part of the family requires money. OP has said they’re welcome to come to the meal. Isn’t that enough?

I grew up in a blended family, no living grandparents of my own but my SS had a living grandparent. He made me and my siblings very welcome, brought us cards for birthdays and other occasions and often gifted us money which he didn't have to do at all but he also looked at our children as his own great grandchildren and enjoyed all our company. He paid for a fair few family meals out and there was no ' your real family I'll pay for you, your not so you pay' sort of deal. He did it in the early days before we got to know him properly . I appreciate it may add extra expense OP but these are your granddaughters half siblings and I'm sure she would like for them to be there to celebrate with you all? If it's possible I would pay for the extra kids, although an offer from your DD or SIL would be appreciated. Hope you manage to resolve this without any family rifts occurring

So? They didn’t need to be included. OP’s SIL doesn’t seem to have any expectation that she would treat his children like her grandchildren, given that they’re not.

They’re not OP’s family any more than her daughter’s mother in law is her family.

I don't think you're necessarily being U. I think it's impossible to say really, without knowing the dynamics of your wider family. In some families, that would be just be a case of the dad saying - looking forward to Sat, we obviously dont expect you to pay for the others on top, so I'll cover them. In other families it would be a huge drama. Just depends on the protagonists here. It also doesn't need to be done right there and then at the table! No need for any of the kids to be aware of the finances of the occasion!

She is, she just doesn’t want to pay, and why should she? It’s an expense she didn’t expect or offer

I think it’s cheeky of the parents to bring the stepchild if they knew you were paying without stating they would pay for them beforehand. In this situation just offer to pay for all the children, and adults can pay for themselves.

Why would the children not be going out with their half siblings maternal GPS? Is that not what this whole threads about? That the half siblings should absolutely NOT be allowed to have any family celebrations for their birthday with the maternal family that don't also include their step siblings? And that the maternal GPS should happily fund these social occasions?

But she phrased the OP as a reluctance to pay for them, as outsiders who she has 'no relationship with'. Rephrase it as 'would I be unreasonable to ask for help towards the cost of this family meal'

Then it's absolutely fine to ask for financial assistance

The point is that while they’re family to each other, they don’t all have the same family members and won’t all have the same relationships.

Their younger sister’s grandmother doesn’t need to pretend that she considers them her grandchildren, any more than they need to pretend they consider her to be their grandmother, or their stepmother to be their mother.

I would suggest going somewhere cheaper so that you could afford to pay for everyone. If they offer to cover the extra meals, great, if not...go for a cheaper meal so that nobody feels left out.

And in this week's episode of why "blended families" are a nightmare...

These two extra children are NOT the OP's grandchildren. They are her grandchild's half siblings, who have another granny somewhere. Entirely reasonable to either rearrange entirely or ask the dad to cough up.

Because why should she be expected to pay for two extra people she doesn’t have a relationship with?

She offered to pay for four people. Adding an extra two and expecting her to pay is taking the piss, whether she can afford it or not.

I don’t think you’re being rude, OP. You’re happy for them to be there/be included, but that wasn’t the original plan and if you can’t afford the additional cost, you can’t afford it. I’d definitely have the conversation ahead of time, though, so the SGC aren’t made to feel awkward on the day when the bill arrives…

Your DD is being really cheeky to have thrown this on you without offering to pay for them. Really, unless the husband’s Ex was having surgery or something they shouldn’t have agreed to have the step children just to accommodate her when they already had other plans, though that can be a tricky line to hold as goodwill makes co-parenting a thousand times easier for everyone.

You do not have to treat step grandchildren the same as biological grandchildren, especially if your SiL hasn’t developed his DC’s relationship with you. And you certainly aren’t bound to take on extra costs than you’d planned because someone else changed their plans.

I would just say to your DD that it is now outside your budget and suggest something else instead. E.g. rearranging the meal, giving your DGD a present or an individual day out instead, etc.

Of course you pay for them.

just say

oh shall we rearrange the meal for another time then? as you'll understand I hadn't accounted for the extra meals and drinks

inviting extra people to a birthday celebration and expecting someone else to pay isn't courteous and unless the father has already indicated that they are paying tenth expectation would seem to be their they can add. exxtracosts onto you - which is unfair

do you always spend other peoples money for them with out consideration?