AIBU to not pay for them?

[Trinity890]

It's my granddaughters birthday coming up and I offered to take GD, DD & her DH for a meal to celebrate.

My daughters husband has older DC who I rarely see, they were not due to be with them on this day (Saturday) but now are due to a change in their mum's plans.

I have no problem at all with them coming along, obviously. But AIBU to say whilst I'm happy to pay for DD, DH & DGD as originally planned, they will need to cover DHs older kids?

I'm not living in poverty but neither am I rich and I have next to no relationship with the older ones.

It's just the once. On your GD s birthday. Make it a special one for her. Pay up without creating a bad atmosphere. How much are we actually talking about here? Another 70/80£? Definitely not worth causing any ill feeling over.

I wouldnt ask them to pay for step kids. I think it's a bit crass. However it's reasonable to cancel the meal now that it's a more expensive than originally planned, I'd say let's change it to pizzas and cake at home or you dd and do something another day the three of you.

It’s bold to invite extra people and expect you to pay.

YANBU to rearrange or to make it clear that he’s responsible for paying for his children.

How will you feel if your daughter’s stepchildren end up despising your granddaughter? Because they will if they are continually treated as inconvenient baggage, whilst your granddaughter is the golden princess.

why don’t you reframe it: when you’re dead, your dd and her DH are dead, wouldn’t you be happier if your grandchild has her half siblings in her corner?

I don’t know if you are naive or simply mean, but you cannot treat people like shit on your shoe and expect no consequences. You should welcome them and pay for them. And remember they are children, children whose parents broke up. And hope that they have a fantastic relationship with your granddaughter.

Extra people? It’s not like DH invited a couple of colleagues for his mil to pay for. They’re his fucking kids!!!!! The half siblings of OP’s granddaughter.

Wht would you ever exclude a child

So you were expecting to pay for 4 meals & now it's 6(?) for example?

I think if you cancel/rearrange however you phrase it it looks as if you don't want the SC there.

Can you pay for yourself & the kids?

Can't you explain to your daughter that it's now too many for you to pay for everyone?

Yes, extra people. Their relationship to him and their granddaughter does not oblige OP to pay for them.

‘For his MIL to pay for’ - presumably she gets a say about what she spends her money on? IMO he should be the one paying, not OP.

I think rearranging would also be churlish actually

let’s hope that Op doesn’t get old and require any support from her son in law - because he’ll remember how she thought of his kids. And probably quite rightly say it isn’t his responsibility.

Nah your daughters husband has orchestrated this on purpose and invited his children.

OP says it was due to their Mum's plans changing. That would be quite the orchestration.

Sure she gets a say on what she spends her money on. She will also need to bear the consequences.

Why would they despise her granddaughter? They have their own grandparents

She’s hardly treating them like ‘shit on her shoe’.

How old are the extra children? I presume mid teens at the most if their parents are organising contact.
Some older kids eat as much or more than an adult. It could be quite an extra lump of money to find. If OP had known there would be 3 children she may well have chosen a cheaper place to eat or to do something different, or (as others have said), just offer to pay for the children.

Err budget ?
Older DCs eat off the adult menu and may have expensive tastes. Easily another £60-70 on the bill in a standard restaurant.

OP hasn’t suggested that not paying for them will result in the consequences you seem to be hoping for.

As an aside, if someone’s way of getting what they want is ‘do what I say or I’ll make you suffer’ then they really shouldn’t be pandered to, tbh. You can’t force relationships, and attempting to strong arm them is unlikely to result in anything but failure.

Woe betide the person who ends up spontaneously having to include my tank of a 15 yo. He's a gym rat, carries me around the house (for a laugh) and eats A LOT!

Not the point 2 kids in the same family should never be treated differently it just breads resentment

They don’t all have the same family, and will be treated differently by their respective family members.

OP has had little to do with them, and has never taken on grandparent role. It doesn’t seem like something that’s considered a problem either, considering they arranged it without them in the first place.

OP, I would clarify expectations as to who is paying for what with your daughter. You can let her know you haven’t budgeted to cover two extra people, and it may be that they expected to pay for the extra two.

Well the cost is a point as OP is paying for it and it's rude to invite additional attendees on someone else's dime.

I'm surprised at the replies as I think yanbu. However whenever this has happened in my (I'm DD in this situation) with me and DH fighting with my DM as we want to pay half the now larger bill and her saying don't be silly.

Have they offered? I'd be disappointed in their dad if he thinks it's ok to assume you would be absorbing the new cost.

I'd either suck it up (but judge him privately) or else I'd speak to DD in advance and say "it shouldn't be any problem to change the booking, could we do some form of split on the bill as it's increased now."

I’m afraid I do consider it shit on her shoe.

it’s a family celebration. Only some of the family (the step kids) are less than the others.

op would be very silly to try and rearrange or to say upfront that she won’t pay for the step kids. For the sake of a few quid, which she can afford, she could make her son in law feel as though his kids are a nuisance. And as I say, reap the consequences of that.

How much were you intending to pay, can you say you had a budget in mind of £100 (or whatever you expected the meal for 4 to cost) and you are happy to contribute this amount but anything over would need to be covered by them. They may want to rearrange, be happy to cover the shortfall or find somewhere that does cheaper kids or 2 for 1 etc.

I wouldn't expect to bring two extra mouths to feed to a meal I was being treated to! I think it's unreasonably of your daughter and her husband not to offer to pay half.

I think it's fair to say (in advance)

"An extra 2 adults (assuming they are eating adult meals) is going to make quite a difference to the bill. Obviously don't mind at all if they are coming along, but my budget means I'm not going to be able to pick up the bill for everyone now"

and let your dd and dh sort it out.
No need for any drama, and obviously none of the dc need to know anything about the arrangements, but just make sure dd and her dh are aware before you go.

It's a little awkward but I have 2 SCs and would never expect my parents to pay for them in a situation like this. I'd like to think their dad (or even your daughter on their family's behalf) will offer to chip in anyway, recognising the bill has increased from what you thought it was.

I would also ask your daughter if she wanted to reorganise for another date given the older children will be around - she may take the opportunity to do this anyway since it will change the vibe given you and the SCs don't know eachother too well.