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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Saw dh phone

232 replies

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 07:56

Dh and I have a very irregular sex life. Posted about it many times here before. He claims low libido and takes Viagra for ED. I have tried not to make an issue out of it and have compromised on once a month, tried to be understanding as I believed he had anxieties around sex and it was just a case of mismatched libidos. We otherwise have a good relationship, small dc and get on well.

I just saw an alert pop up on his phone saying that his only fans subscription hasn't gone out due to him having a new card. I am absolutely gutted. I have told him he might want to look at sorting his card out as his OF payment of £14.95 hasn't come out. I said it's great to know you have no libido to have a healthy sex life with your wife but you can happily pay strangers on the internet.

We are both off work today and I really don't know what to do. Where do I go from here?

OP posts:

Theflameislit · 06/02/2025 07:57

Aside from sexual, what’s the relationship like?

Porkyporkchop · 06/02/2025 08:00

Did he give you a reaction ?

Original poster

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 08:00

Theflameislit · 06/02/2025 07:57

Aside from sexual, what’s the relationship like?

Ok. Stressful. We have young dc and no help. With the pressures of kids and work we perhaps don't make as much time for each other as we should. I've said before how we sometimes feel more like roommates than a married couple.

But the sex issue has been ongoing for so long. No communication from his side which I put down to him feeling embarrassed about his ED issues. No spontaneous sex due to him having to pop a pill in advance. But I tried to be understanding and accepted that this was just how it was. To find out he actually do have a libido and is choosing to use it elsewhere is very painful.

OP posts:

Original poster

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 08:01

Porkyporkchop · 06/02/2025 08:00

Did he give you a reaction ?

Just sort of put his head down because he knows he's been caught out and there's not a lot he can say or do.

OP posts:

Calamitousness · 06/02/2025 08:01

I couldn’t tolerate my husband watching OF. I know everyone’s different but it’s a massive No from me.
My husband wouldn’t though I have to add. He thinks it’s rank.

nellythe · 06/02/2025 08:03

Sorry but this would be the end of the road for me.
You are a woman with needs that aren’t being met but you have been understanding and patient as any good spouse would be. To find that he is obviously experiencing sexual urges but preferring to spend money (! Ick!!!) on using those urges on strangers is just sickening.
He’s a liar 🤥

TheAzureSwan · 06/02/2025 08:04

Im sorry OP but he is getting his sexual gratification from other woman, not you. He is cheating on you.
The marriage would be over for me.

fourelementary · 06/02/2025 08:06

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 08:01

Just sort of put his head down because he knows he's been caught out and there's not a lot he can say or do.

Show quote history

But there is. He can talk. He can explain what is going on and be honest- has he actually got erection difficulties (and has been had a medical check as if not, he should if he is having ED)? Or is he porn-addicted and not able to perform in a healthy sexual relationship as a result? Or something in the middle?
If you are both off I would suggest a drive through coffee and then talk. And talk some more. But ask that the focus is on “I” for each person- you need to tell him how you feel and how this impacts you. Not accuse and attack. He needs to explain and tell you how HE feels. Counselling is cheaper than divorce and might be another avenue as living like flatmates isn’t sustainable.

Original poster

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 08:16

The fact that he is on OF and paying other women is disgusting to me. But from my POV I am just heartbroken and so angry that I've put my own needs and feelings on the back burner because I believed he just didn't have the libido. But he clearly does.

Without wanting to drip feed he does have a fetish that he enjoys which I found out about years ago via his search history (porn). Again he hadn't been open with me about it and it's not something we've ever done together. It's nothing dangerous or horrible but it's not something I have any interest in. I don't know what he's been viewing on OF but I'd strongly suspect it's to do with this.

If he was watching porn and getting himself off to this I still wouldn't be happy but OF feels much worse as he's paying for it and potentially interacting with these women.

OP posts:

Didimum · 06/02/2025 08:16

I would hugely struggle to tolerate someone who didn’t show up for our relationship in this way. I really feel for you. I couldn’t tolerate it but I know the idea of leaving a marriage with two young DC must feel seemingly impossible.

Uol2022 · 06/02/2025 08:17

Agree with @fourelementary there’s value in talking this through. If you want to end the relationship that’s up to you but it’s possible that this is the catalyst to finally talk honestly about what you both need and how to get there. Porn addiction causing ed or ed means porn allows sex without anxiety, either plausible. Or he’s checked out. It’s a huge betrayal and he knows that.

Justalittlehandhold · 06/02/2025 08:21

I’m sorry this must be awful for you, you’ve given him empathy put your own needs, feelings to one side and this is what he does.

Can you get the children out of the house tonight/tomorrow to be able to talk and decide how and if you move forward?

Good luck!

Original poster

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 08:23

We have our toddler here today so not sure how much undisturbed conversation we can have. I'm also caring for an unwell relative so life is full on and chaotic. But I can't just ignore this. He's gone out to walk the dog so I need to think about how I can approach this when he gets back.

OP posts:

Poppyseeds79 · 06/02/2025 08:24

If he's got a kink/fetish and it's related to that then it's not really that surprising he's seeking it out. Maybe he feels he 'needs that' to get aroused if his libido is actually low otherwise. I'm definitely not saying you should participate in it if you're not keen. And I'm not saying it's right that he's paying to peruse that, but I'd understand that to be the reason behind the 'why' more if that's the case.

TheAzureSwan · 06/02/2025 08:27

From your update OP there is little wonder he is not capable of a normal sexual relationship with you.
The surprise is that you have put it with his porn addiction for so long and that you have expected things to get better when he obviously has no intention of addressing the cause of his problem.
The Only Fans women can't really be a surprise to you given his other sexual interests.

Original poster

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 08:31

I'm surprised that he's gone as far as paying for it. And the kink/fetish is not something I've ever acted negatively about. I knew about it, I suppose I could have suggested we try it but he never initiated anything and I suppose I thought he didn't want to blur fantasy and reality.

It's very clear to me now that his private sexual desires are much different to the side of himself he chooses to show me. Sex has always been a contentious issue between us. I've felt like he isn't open about it. He just doesn't talk about it and other than a pre planned monthly session scheduled in advance it's not a big part of our lives.

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 06/02/2025 08:47

I'd struggle to get past this to be honest because it's basically, a betrayal. Together with his ED, I'd be looking to move on from him because it doesn't sound like a happy relationship.

Original poster

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 09:16

His reasoning is he thought he would improve his libido. He is very embarrassed about the state of our sex life and has suggested therapy. I have told him how it makes me feel and how I've put my own needs to one side. I really don't know where to go from here. I don't even want to be around him at the moment.

OP posts:

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 06/02/2025 09:19

Find your anger. Paying women for sex is full on disgusting, we are not pieces of meat to be bought and sold.

He's taken you for a mug, used you for babies and nice domestic life, but denied you a sex life too.

Kick his lying cheating arse into touch, what is the point of a liar and a cheat who won't even shag you?

Poppyseeds79 · 06/02/2025 09:23

I'd take him up on the offer of therapy. At least you might be able to figure out if it's something you can work on together, or if it's a deal breaker.

Retrospeaker · 06/02/2025 09:24

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 09:16

Ok so you at least have had (the beginnings of) an honest conversation about it. That’s good.

So now you have to decide - do you want to try to save the marriage?

He has suggested counselling - would you like to do that?

Tbh I would also suggest a visit to the GP with a low sex drive - how old is he?

There are a lot of women who are utterly infuriated by men using OF and porn. It doesn’t seem like it bothers you overmuch apart from the fact he’s not been having sex with you and that’s ok and a totally reasonable response. Every woman is different when it come to this. But yes I would feel enormously betrayed in your situation. But personally I think I would do the counselling with him and at least try.

Original poster

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 09:25

I just don't believe anything he says. What man logs into OF thinking 'I'm doing this for my marriage, this will definitely help to improve my sex life' what a load of shit.

OP posts:

Justalittlehandhold · 06/02/2025 09:26

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 09:16

And you not wanting to be around him at the moment is fine. Can you get away for a night, local travel lodge, to give yourself some space and time to think.

There is no rush, you can take this as slowly as you want in order to decide what you want to do.

rwalker · 06/02/2025 09:26

There quite a lot of complex feelings round ED
but basically if he’s wanking over OF and can’t get it up there no shame, awkwardness sense of failure and embarrassment like there is with sex between you 2 it’s a safe option

Moonmelodies · 06/02/2025 09:29

How does he wank it if it can't be erected?

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