Saw dh phone

[rufiooooo]

Dh and I have a very irregular sex life. Posted about it many times here before. He claims low libido and takes Viagra for ED. I have tried not to make an issue out of it and have compromised on once a month, tried to be understanding as I believed he had anxieties around sex and it was just a case of mismatched libidos. We otherwise have a good relationship, small dc and get on well.

I just saw an alert pop up on his phone saying that his only fans subscription hasn't gone out due to him having a new card. I am absolutely gutted. I have told him he might want to look at sorting his card out as his OF payment of £14.95 hasn't come out. I said it's great to know you have no libido to have a healthy sex life with your wife but you can happily pay strangers on the internet.

We are both off work today and I really don't know what to do. Where do I go from here?

If it weren't for the fact we had kids, a massive mortgage, dogs, no family support and other than this (massive) issue we get on well....I would be thinking of ending it now. But it isn't that simple.

I would be open to therapy but I think he needs it more than me. He definitely has some deep issues around sex and certainly his lack of communication skills about it which could be due to shame and embarrassment.

He is 50. Has some health issues which may or may not be contributing to this.

For me it's not even the physical side of things, I've learnt to live with that. It's the secrecy and lack of communication between us. We are supposed to be a team. How can I trust him or even know him properly when he keeps so much of himself hidden.

Apparently he doesnt wank he just watches it. Another thing I'm very sceptical of. He is getting frustrated that I'm not believing what he's saying but I guess that's what happens when you lie and keep things secret.

From your update yes it’s sounds like he would very much benefit from therapy by himself before you try it as a couple.

I’m sorry OP you sound heartbroken and I understand why you would be xx

Thank you for the helpful comments. I was expecting a lot of 'LTB' comments but it isn't always that easy and I do feel there's a lot to unpick here.

I am heartbroken. And angry. And I feel like a mug. But I need to think things through fully. At the moment it's hard to listen to anything he's telling me with an open mind. I just feel like it's all lies. I'm going to take my toddler out and have a bit of time away from him.

Yeah this is the thing I’d be most upset/pissed off about. There’s plenty (way too much) free porn available if you’re into it but the fact he has an account with OF (and presumably one or more specific women/men) suggests a level of connection that is more than “just a wank”.

I don’t think his lack of sex with you is particularly about his kink. Plenty men and women have kinks but are still able to have sexual relations without the kink being brought into it, in a loving relationship. But it may be that things have gone even further than the kink with the OF people and “normal” sex doesn’t arose him anymore.

I’m not sure I could get past this if I’m honest. It’s one thing having a wank to “meaningless” porn (although I do not agree with the porn industry in any way and hate it with a passion) but quite another to actively perpetuate it by paying for it. Grim and I couldn’t respect my DH anymore if I thought he was willing to do that.

How horrible for you @rufiooooo 💐

I’d have to leave him. No discussion necessary but that’s just me.He’s gona say anything to placate you now. He has lied and will continue to do so. I’ve seen and been through this too many times and know the outcome.

Having sex once a month is going to be very hard (excuse the pun) for many people.

I couldn't go that long between being intimate with my husband so I understand if he feels he's missing out.

However, to go behind your back and use Only Fans to get sexual gratification is not something I would tolerate and would have to dump him.

Are you sure it's women he's following?

It's him who only wants sex once a month. Not me.

But the DH is the one that only wants sex once a month. I agree with your sentiment though, it would be an issue for me.

Yeah I wouldn't either. It's one thing passively watching porn but paying for content / requesting personalised content is too interactive for me.

I hope he comes back to you OP and says he'll delete his account.

I'm going to get shot here but, here goes. I'm male. Have been married. Have been in a relationship where I wanted more sex, and in one where I wanted less / had a low libido.

(side note, OF is just like porn hub, the OF part makes no difference, it's just porn)

So, watching porn, and having sex with your partner are not the same, in fact they are really really different. It is entirely possible that you have an appetite for one, but not the other, and that those appetites fluctuate up and down.

Porn is often not about the sexual act, having an orgasm, it's often about excitement and novelty in a controlled, contained situation. Porn is also lot less complicated than real people - to have sex with someone you need to both be in the right place at the right time, not be tired, all sorts of things

Also, porn is addictive, we don't admit that as much as we should. I have been subject to it, to the point where it's blocked on my home network (though of course I can turn tat block off so...)

If you are tired, stressed, exhausted, worried at work/home/family - then porn can scratch a very physical itch, in a small amount of time, when you just can't face, reality, it's all got on top of you.

I am not doing your feelings down. they are real and valid and I don't blame you for feeling as you do. But, as a man, who see's himself in this story you drew, it's not anywhere near as open and shut as you think - aka he has time to wank but not time to sleep with you, thats really not it at all.

This is not cheating, that looks very different.

As always, I think a full and frank, but also fair and not initially blaming conversation would be best, maybe in front of a councillor who can help you navigate through this tricky time.

Drivel, he knows he can get better free porn. The number of women with these angelic husbands on this site is hilarious.

You won't get shot by me, as I do believe that masturbation is very healthy (for both men and women in relationships). To an extent though!

If pornography gets in the way of intimacy with your partner, then there is an issue here that needs to be worked through. If there is however a healthy balance of both then that's a different matter. It looks like OP here has noticed that her DH simply cannot be intimate with her without a blue pill and certainly not on a regular basis, and she is entirely correct in being 1. Unhappy in a sexless marriage and 2. Questioning why her husband is paying for porn.

For a lot of women, ignorance is bliss. You know porn is there, and as long as it's not affecting your own sex life you ignore it. But when you feel the need to pay for content, out of your marital money, that crosses a line that very little women in a relationship would put up with.

Men with ED can still wank and ejaculate from rubbing themselves without having an erection.

I don't disagree, but to be honest I'd be very tempted to pay for porn just to get rid of the damned adverts (Like I do for YouTube), and think it could be argued that paying directly to the producers is much more ethical than a random free video off XHamster.

Thats a sideline however (also, who pays for it out of the joint account?!?!)

Anyway - as I say, as a man, this is not the open and shut it might look. But I shall bow out.

Oh OP, this is so sad 😕
He 100% needs therapy alone and possibly couples therapy.
I do know that there’s a link between porn addiction and ED because they are so used to their privacy, watching their kinks, the tight grip of their own hand and then struggle to become aroused in front of a naked woman because they feel so vulnerable.
Theres a lot of shame around it.
From little experience I have around this, there may have been someone at some point in his life that has made him feel extremely ashamed of this and he just hasn’t overcome it.

In the meantime, if you’re unable to/don’t want to leave him, you will need to see extreme effort from his side.
He needs to find a therapist, schedule the sessions, attend etc.
He needs to be forthcoming with information and honesty.
He needs to find out how he can show you intimacy without sex to rebuild the trust and connection.

Or, he needs to accept he could lose his wife.

@SernieBanders I appreciate your input it's very helpful to hear from a man's POV.

A lot of what you said resonates. I think because of his issues it is simply easier for him to go for the no stress/no fear of failure approach. He has issues surrounding sex that much is clear and I've tried to be supportive. It isn't an open and shut case for me, if it were I think I'd have left a long time before now.

To be honest I'm just fed up. I think about his feelings and motivations and limitations all the time. Who thinks about me and my feelings? It's one thing to put your feelings aside and make a compromise with your dh if they are struggling. But seeing that alert pop up just felt like a slap in the face.

It's his money, not joint. Not that that softens the blow much.

You’d have to watch a hell of a lot of it for adverts to annoy you so much! But each to their own.

Also probably not out of a joint account but I am old school and do think that all money is marital money whatever account it’s held in. You’re both contributing through either a job or home labour so as much as you can have ‘your own money’ to spend monthly I’d think twice about spending it on something that my DP would be upset about. But that’s a different debate for a different thread!

Everyone has a boundary in a relationship and as much as I wouldn’t say that paying for content is cheating, it’s still not ok in my eyes. If you’re single do your thing. Or if you’re both in to watching porn and that’s something you agree on together then again that’s the exception here. If however he is interacting with the women (my understanding is you can message and request) then that is an entirely different line that’s been crossed.

You've hit the nail on the head here OP. A lot of the time we try to appreciate the other persons point of view, but we don't get that in return and it's sad.

Thank you - I really see everything you say, especially the "slap in the face", because it is. That would hurt, seeing the message, a lot

for whatever it's worth, from a stranger, your feelings of course are just as important, you are, everything you say. I also think it's very understanding and mature of you to be taking this thoughtful perspective in general and talking about his feelings and your own. It's not simple, it's not open and shut, all that stuff.

One small thing, and I'll go - but. These things are so very core to men, what we are expected to be, how we are expected to behave, that when our libido drops off a cliff, as has happened to me, it's very very hard to know what to do. We have no one to talk to, society mocks us for not being real men, and when porn is available on instant tap from anywhere, and it sometimes goes a distance to scratch an itch, we take it.

No excuses for making you feel how you justifiably feel. At the very least could have hidden it properly and you never knew. Really he should get himself some help, but as I say, thats hard to do, there are a lot of obstacles, societal and personal ones to get over. Not that thats your problem other than that you are married.

Anyway. Hard. and I have waffled.

That must make for a very sorry spectacle, desperately tugging on their lifeless appendage.

Don't listen to this porn addict male trying to explain to you what you can and can't be outraged about in your own marriage.

Hi OP, I’ve name changed for this as I don’t want to be flamed.

I was in a really fragile, vulnerable place a few years ago and I did OF for a bit. I actually did really well from it financially and ended up with a lot of subscribers. A few of my subs told me they had ED and they got off on being told they were pathetic and their dick was small and it didn’t work etc.

My point is I would want to check that he is actually just “watching” if he can’t get it up. You can still log into his OF account, his card will have bounced causing his subscription to end but you’ll still be able to see all of his messages. I would insist on this as I would want to see if he was lying and the extent of the messages. You’ll also be able to see if he’s been sending other money amounts. Like paying for sexting or buying other content.

Can totally see why you feel betrayed and hurt by this. I would too.

However, while I think a lot of people will just say 'He's a porn addict and he can't be bothered to have sex because he'd rather wank', I suspect it's a lot more complicated than that.

That obviously doesn't excuse him using OnlyFans behind your back instead of actually talking about things with you - I'm not defending that at all. It's obviously hurtful for you.

But if you want to stay together, I do think his suggestion of therapy is probably a good idea.

Without wanting to drip feed he does have a fetish

I think this is very relevant. It's possible his fetish is the only thing that really excites him and he doesn't really get aroused by anything else. So I think it's possible that it's not so much that he doesn't have any libido, but more that there's only really one thing that stirs it. Some people have fetishes so strong (and which they can't help having) that having sex without that fetish is almost like asking a gay man to have sex with a woman, or a gay woman to have sex with a man. Not saying this is the case for him, but again, therapy might uncover something round this.

It's also possible that he's got some sort of major psychological hang-up around actually having sex. which even he might not fully understand. There could be something in his past or an attitude he was exposed to when he was younger or something that's affecting him, so again, it's not so much that he doesn't have a libido but that he has some sort of hang-up around actual sex that's causing the ED.

It's also worth noting that men can ejaculate without an erection. So it's possible that he has a libido and can still come, even if he doesn't get an erection and can't have penetrative sex. Which he might be colossally embarrassed about. So the OnlyFans activity doesn't necessarily mean he's getting erections in secret.