Saw dh phone

[rufiooooo]

Dh and I have a very irregular sex life. Posted about it many times here before. He claims low libido and takes Viagra for ED. I have tried not to make an issue out of it and have compromised on once a month, tried to be understanding as I believed he had anxieties around sex and it was just a case of mismatched libidos. We otherwise have a good relationship, small dc and get on well.

I just saw an alert pop up on his phone saying that his only fans subscription hasn't gone out due to him having a new card. I am absolutely gutted. I have told him he might want to look at sorting his card out as his OF payment of £14.95 hasn't come out. I said it's great to know you have no libido to have a healthy sex life with your wife but you can happily pay strangers on the internet.

We are both off work today and I really don't know what to do. Where do I go from here?

@rufiooooo its difficult isn't it??? Is the relationship good apart from the lack of intimacy or is it just meh??? Sending hugs x

he does have a fetish that he enjoys

If you've got the will to try and work out a way to move forward, I agree that this is where to start.

As far as I understand it, a kink is something outside of "vanilla" that really tickles your fancy. A fetish is really the key to your sexual gratification to the point that without it it ain't going to happen for you.

If he's got a fetish that he enjoys that is not something that is shared in your relationship, that won't have gone away.

Time for some straight talking, and a lot of listening from both parties. I hope you can work this out OP. It feels very personal, and hurtful, but I think it's less about you than it might appear.

Assuming you don't have a telly in your house then 🤔

To answer some questions...

I've seen his account, the material is fetish related which is no surprise. Not men. And no messages unless he deleted them but he didn't get the opportunity today. Could have been deleting things as he went along I suppose.

When we first got together it was fine in the honeymoon phase. It became quite obvious fairly early on that he wasn't bothered about regular sex and he always said it was down to low libido. Then about a year in I found details about his kink via his search history and remember feeling very confused and upset. Not unlike I am now. We spoke about it and he was clearly embarrassed. The same with his use of Viagra. He disclosed that either, I just found some packaging one day. He clearly felt he couldn't be honest with me about these things.

He is loving and tactile in other ways. Despite the pressures of day to day life I'd say we are happy minus this one aspect of our relationship.

He didn't disclose that I should have said.

He can only get off on this thing that he finds embarassing. He's probably never met anyone that was able to accept that about him, which has compounded his feelings of shame around it. It's not something he's choosing, it's how he's wired. Arousal and desire is a tricky tricky beast at the best of times in a long term partnership, before you chuck in a fetish that is not shared.

That's not easy for either of you to navigate, would you consider finding a sex therapist that can possibly enable you both to communicate about this and work out a way forward? I wish you well, sex is such a tough subject, the nerves are so close to the surface and most people just are not equipped with the ability to be able to communicate around it. A bit like death. Humans, eh. I wish you all the best with working this out.

@CantStopBuyingSeeds maybe your husband for sure. But no. Not mine. I am not talking about porn which he also doesn’t use but has now and then when much younger before we met and I don’t care about that. But OF is different and no
he never looks at and has no interest in looking at that site. He’s too old and the women are younger. That’s a turn off for him too. Plus he thinks porn women look rank now. You really don’t get a classy looking woman in porn. He laughed at your response and is quite clear he knows himself better than you do. But did say it was likely that’s the type of men you know.

Miaiooow!

I hope he will talk to you properly about it.. he should also apologise for lying to you for so long.

Are you comfortable with sharing what the kink is?
You said its not something you're into, but how do you actually feel about it?

You seem willing to work on things if they can be worked on so it comes down to how honest and open he is willing to be with you now.

I have posted about it before and don't want this to be linked to any other posts. But it isn't cross dressing or BDSM or anything like that. In my opinion it's a bit juvenile and silly but not illegal or immoral or anything.

lol, and another one!

Then about a year in I found details about his kink via his search history and remember feeling very confused and upset. Not unlike I am now. We spoke about it and he was clearly embarrassed. The same with his use of Viagra. He disclosed that either, I just found some packaging one day. He clearly felt he couldn't be honest with me about these things.

@rufiooooo It really does sound as if he really, really struggles with embarrassment and shame about his fetish and also his ED, and I have to say I do feel sorry for him in that respect. I'm not remotely excusing his use of OnlyFans and I can totally see why you feel betrayed - he's clearly dealing with this in completely the wrong way and that has hurt you. But this does sound a lot more like a man with some very genuine hang-ups and shame issues around sex that he cannot bring himself to talk about, rather than a man who just can't be bothered to have sex and uses porn instead.

If you don't feel you can get past this, then I hope whatever happens next feels like the right thing for you. But if you do want to work things out, I hope you're able to and that you both end up happy in the long term.