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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saw dh phone

232 replies

rufiooooo · 06/02/2025 07:56

Dh and I have a very irregular sex life. Posted about it many times here before. He claims low libido and takes Viagra for ED. I have tried not to make an issue out of it and have compromised on once a month, tried to be understanding as I believed he had anxieties around sex and it was just a case of mismatched libidos. We otherwise have a good relationship, small dc and get on well.

I just saw an alert pop up on his phone saying that his only fans subscription hasn't gone out due to him having a new card. I am absolutely gutted. I have told him he might want to look at sorting his card out as his OF payment of £14.95 hasn't come out. I said it's great to know you have no libido to have a healthy sex life with your wife but you can happily pay strangers on the internet.

We are both off work today and I really don't know what to do. Where do I go from here?

OP posts:
Original poster
rufiooooo · 10/02/2025 19:13

CantStopBuyingSeeds · 10/02/2025 18:20

@rufiooooo So you're rolling over and letting him treat you like this? 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

I get that comments like this might make you feel superior. And that it would be much more entertaining if I was reporting back that I'd kicked him out. However this is real life, we have children and responsibilities.

Am I happy about what's happened? No. Am I rolling over and letting him get away with it? Also no. What I'm doing is trying to at least try to see if this is something we can work through and improve together. If we can't then you may get your dramatic ending.

If you have nothing to offer other than trying to make me feel like shit (which I already have done for the past 4 days) then it's probably kinder not to comment.

OP posts:
Treesandsheepeverywhere · 10/02/2025 20:08

CantStopBuyingSeeds · 10/02/2025 02:06

Exactly!

They all do it to some degree.

Show quote history

I don't think they all do it. A lot do, but there are good men out there, same as there are women who don't cheat.

I agree on vouching for someone though. It's naive to believe just because someone says they don't watch OF, don't believe in cheating etc they're telling the truth.

We don't know ourselves sometimes, don't know our own siblings despite being brought up under the same roof.

What more someone most of us meet when they're a grown man/woman.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 10/02/2025 20:10

rufiooooo · 10/02/2025 19:13

I get that comments like this might make you feel superior. And that it would be much more entertaining if I was reporting back that I'd kicked him out. However this is real life, we have children and responsibilities.

Am I happy about what's happened? No. Am I rolling over and letting him get away with it? Also no. What I'm doing is trying to at least try to see if this is something we can work through and improve together. If we can't then you may get your dramatic ending.

If you have nothing to offer other than trying to make me feel like shit (which I already have done for the past 4 days) then it's probably kinder not to comment.

Show quote history

There's nothing wrong with trying to save a marriage. Well done OP for taking control and having the difficult conversations.

It's not an overnight thing but can be done.

All the best.

Cheeseburger85 · 16/02/2025 15:18

ChimneyPot · 10/02/2025 11:36

It is still all about him isn’t it.

I think its at least 50/50.

His issues are relate to his own confidence, ED etc.
Hers is a demand that he changes his behaviour to fit what she expects from the relationship.

If anything its more about the OP than about him.
Letting go of the demands that people change for us is the first step toward happiness (or less suffering). One can never change someone else...ever.

I always want to know why a person has to feel the need to lie to us? Do they worry about our reaction? If so should we not own that as a problem in itself?

I suspect the levels of divorce/separation etc on MN is through the roof based on this thread alone!

RebelliousStarrChild · 16/02/2025 15:31

Cheeseburger85 · 16/02/2025 15:18

I think its at least 50/50.

His issues are relate to his own confidence, ED etc.
Hers is a demand that he changes his behaviour to fit what she expects from the relationship.

If anything its more about the OP than about him.
Letting go of the demands that people change for us is the first step toward happiness (or less suffering). One can never change someone else...ever.

I always want to know why a person has to feel the need to lie to us? Do they worry about our reaction? If so should we not own that as a problem in itself?

I suspect the levels of divorce/separation etc on MN is through the roof based on this thread alone!

Edited
Show quote history

His issues are related to, but not limited to the ED.

Also, what she expects or what is naturally expected of a relationship that is not open by mutual agreement?

Are you saying if someone lies to you, you must be the reason they lied?

Cheeseburger85 · 16/02/2025 21:02

RebelliousStarrChild · 16/02/2025 15:31

His issues are related to, but not limited to the ED.

Also, what she expects or what is naturally expected of a relationship that is not open by mutual agreement?

Are you saying if someone lies to you, you must be the reason they lied?

Show quote history

No. Just that we must always question our part in everything that occurs in our lives. Otherwise things never change and we stay deluded through life.

DustyLee123 · 31/10/2025 07:24

My DH got ED and wouldn’t do anything about it. It eventually caused frustration and resentment. Our marriage is now a house share.
Think about what you want, if you want the relationship and are happy to compromise then that’s fine. It’s so easy to say LTB, but this is real life.

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