Page 9 | Saw dh phone

rufiooooo · 2025-02-06T07:56:17+00:00

Dh and I have a very irregular sex life. Posted about it many times here before. He claims low libido and takes Viagra for ED. I have tried not to make an issue out of it and have compromised on once a month, tried to be understanding as I believed he had anxieties around sex and it was just a case of mismatched libidos. We otherwise have a good relationship, small dc and get on well. I just saw an alert pop up on his phone saying that his only fans subscription hasn't gone out due to him having a new card. I am absolutely gutted. I have told him he might want to look at sorting his card out as his OF payment of £14.95 hasn't come out. I said it's great to know you have no libido to have a healthy sex life with your wife but you can happily pay strangers on the internet. We are both off work today and I really don't know what to do. Where do I go from here?

Mrsgreen100 · 08/02/2025 20:10

From personal experience, whatever it says will be a load of crap I’d be checking his phone actually the bank account and probably getting rid actually

Cheeseburger85 · 09/02/2025 11:34

We also need to address the issues here...

He may not find the OP attractive anymore. That's hardly controversial and happens in many relationships. Does that mean he must forego his sexual needs? I have no idea.
For men sexualised behaviour is much more transactional. That's why I think he sees it as just a w××k. Men are far less emotionally connected to what they get off on. Men are primarily visual in their fantasies. From my experience, and this thread is a clear example, women seem to have a much stronger emotional response re sexual things.

Saying that I don't think watching porn is cheating but I do realise the connectedness assoc w OF can land differently.

My main question is... who the hell pays for porn in 2025!

JessiesJ99 · 09/02/2025 12:48

Cheeseburger85 · 09/02/2025 11:34

We also need to address the issues here...

He may not find the OP attractive anymore. That's hardly controversial and happens in many relationships. Does that mean he must forego his sexual needs? I have no idea.
For men sexualised behaviour is much more transactional. That's why I think he sees it as just a w××k. Men are far less emotionally connected to what they get off on. Men are primarily visual in their fantasies. From my experience, and this thread is a clear example, women seem to have a much stronger emotional response re sexual things.

Saying that I don't think watching porn is cheating but I do realise the connectedness assoc w OF can land differently.

My main question is... who the hell pays for porn in 2025!

I was wondering this also. I think possibly because on OF the men believe it's more than they would get on a porn site? Pay per view videos, being able to speak to the woman, making requests? Some of the women offer the GF experience, which is apparently v popular. Some of these men kid themselves that they have some sort of connection to these women 🙄

ItGhoul · 09/02/2025 13:06

JessiesJ99 · 09/02/2025 12:48

I was wondering this also. I think possibly because on OF the men believe it's more than they would get on a porn site? Pay per view videos, being able to speak to the woman, making requests? Some of the women offer the GF experience, which is apparently v popular. Some of these men kid themselves that they have some sort of connection to these women 🙄

Show quote history

I think a lot of people are more comfortable paying someone on OnlyFans, where it’s much more likely that the performer is making their own decisions about what to share and who they wish to engage with, than going on PornHub and having no idea whether what they’re watching is consensual, whether the performer is being paid etc.

ForeverLoveCeltic · 09/02/2025 23:23

I just love when people say, "My husband/kids wouldn't do that". How arrogant and in many cases so, so wrong.

CantStopBuyingSeeds · 10/02/2025 02:02

Calamitousness · 06/02/2025 16:38

@CantStopBuyingSeeds maybe your husband for sure. But no. Not mine. I am not talking about porn which he also doesn’t use but has now and then when much younger before we met and I don’t care about that. But OF is different and no
he never looks at and has no interest in looking at that site. He’s too old and the women are younger. That’s a turn off for him too. Plus he thinks porn women look rank now. You really don’t get a classy looking woman in porn. He laughed at your response and is quite clear he knows himself better than you do. But did say it was likely that’s the type of men you know.

Oh dear. Of course he bloody laughed! You sound exceptionally defensive love. Is that because you know I'm right? They ALL do it. They ALL 'laugh' at it and say it's 'rank' or 'disgusting' it's called overcompensating.

I don't have a husband so I don't have that to worry about!

CantStopBuyingSeeds · 10/02/2025 02:06

ForeverLoveCeltic · 09/02/2025 23:23

I just love when people say, "My husband/kids wouldn't do that". How arrogant and in many cases so, so wrong.

Exactly!

They all do it to some degree.

CantStopBuyingSeeds · 10/02/2025 02:13

@rufiooooo I am very tempted to tell him to draw a line under that area of our relationship because currently nobody is getting anything from it I don't want sex with other people, I want a happy life with my dh.

I mean this gently - have some self respect! You're thinking of not only giving up sex for the rest of your life but also allowing your husband to watch other 'presumably hotter looking women' whilst pleasuring himself, just because you don't want to lose him?!? You really think that allowing him to lear over sexier women online isn't going to lead to him leaving you? Because it will go that way eventually. There's only so long he can fantasise before that no longer cuts it and he wants the real thing and it won’t be you he wants it from. It will be someone who looks a little more like the women he watches.....

Btw, I'm not making assumptions re: your looks OP. It's just that he obviously is attracted to women on OF more than the woman he's used to, however you look.

Original poster

rufiooooo · 10/02/2025 08:17

Just wanted to update. We had a very big chat yesterday after days of not talking at all. I sat down and told him I wasn't sure if I saw a future for us at this point because I don't think he can offer what i need to be happy and this has been a long standing issue, the OF elements has just added insult to injury.

He was very upset, tried to downplay that side of it and said it's nothing. It's nonsense. It's a fantasy that has nothing to do with his feelings for me. I'm his world and he loves me and so on. He actually got very upset which isn't like him. I think he realised the gravity of how I was feeling.

He said it all boils down to the ED. How shit it makes him feel, how he feels pressure to perform because we have very limited opportunity to actually dtd and when we do he's under so much pressure to do it that it becomes very stressful but he does enjoy it. We got to the root of where it started for him and it's been going on for many years before we even met. He spoke candidly and a lot of it resonated with what the male poster on here said.

There was a lot more and although I'm still very upset I'm pleased he has finally opened up about some of it.

It doesn't excuse the OF stuff and I will never be accepting of that but I do feel like with communication we have something to work with. Thank you for all of your comments and advice, I've read everything and really appreciate all views.

OP posts:

Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 08:24

rufiooooo · 10/02/2025 08:17

Just wanted to update. We had a very big chat yesterday after days of not talking at all. I sat down and told him I wasn't sure if I saw a future for us at this point because I don't think he can offer what i need to be happy and this has been a long standing issue, the OF elements has just added insult to injury.

He was very upset, tried to downplay that side of it and said it's nothing. It's nonsense. It's a fantasy that has nothing to do with his feelings for me. I'm his world and he loves me and so on. He actually got very upset which isn't like him. I think he realised the gravity of how I was feeling.

He said it all boils down to the ED. How shit it makes him feel, how he feels pressure to perform because we have very limited opportunity to actually dtd and when we do he's under so much pressure to do it that it becomes very stressful but he does enjoy it. We got to the root of where it started for him and it's been going on for many years before we even met. He spoke candidly and a lot of it resonated with what the male poster on here said.

There was a lot more and although I'm still very upset I'm pleased he has finally opened up about some of it.

It doesn't excuse the OF stuff and I will never be accepting of that but I do feel like with communication we have something to work with. Thank you for all of your comments and advice, I've read everything and really appreciate all views.

I’m pleased that you’ve been able to talk. Good luck moving forward, even if that means you still decide that the relationship is not for you.

Everyone deserves happiness.

Diarygirlqueen · 10/02/2025 08:25

Hope it all works out for you OP x

pootleondown · 10/02/2025 08:31

Apparently he doesnt wank he just watches it. Another thing I'm very sceptical of. He is getting frustrated that I'm not believing what he's saying but I guess that's what happens when you lie and keep things secret.

Of course he does, he's just trying to minimise.

Snoopydroopy · 10/02/2025 11:09

rufiooooo · 10/02/2025 08:17

Just wanted to update. We had a very big chat yesterday after days of not talking at all. I sat down and told him I wasn't sure if I saw a future for us at this point because I don't think he can offer what i need to be happy and this has been a long standing issue, the OF elements has just added insult to injury.

He was very upset, tried to downplay that side of it and said it's nothing. It's nonsense. It's a fantasy that has nothing to do with his feelings for me. I'm his world and he loves me and so on. He actually got very upset which isn't like him. I think he realised the gravity of how I was feeling.

He said it all boils down to the ED. How shit it makes him feel, how he feels pressure to perform because we have very limited opportunity to actually dtd and when we do he's under so much pressure to do it that it becomes very stressful but he does enjoy it. We got to the root of where it started for him and it's been going on for many years before we even met. He spoke candidly and a lot of it resonated with what the male poster on here said.

There was a lot more and although I'm still very upset I'm pleased he has finally opened up about some of it.

It doesn't excuse the OF stuff and I will never be accepting of that but I do feel like with communication we have something to work with. Thank you for all of your comments and advice, I've read everything and really appreciate all views.

Oh dear.

Original poster

rufiooooo · 10/02/2025 11:15

@Snoopydroopy oh dear what?

OP posts:

ChimneyPot · 10/02/2025 11:36

It is still all about him isn’t it.

StrikeAlways · 10/02/2025 12:13

@rufiooooo that’s good to hear (read). Has he explored treatments for ED? There is more on offer than Viagra. If he wasn’t willing to talk to his GP about it before, maybe he will be now.

MN is full of women who say ‘end the marriage’ whenever men have done something very hurtful. Ignore them. Relationships are complicated and if there is much more that is good, it’s often worth trying to work through problems. Sometimes relationships are stronger on the other side. You know your own marriage. Follow your instincts 💐

Newmummy343 · 10/02/2025 12:52

rufiooooo · 10/02/2025 08:17

Just wanted to update. We had a very big chat yesterday after days of not talking at all. I sat down and told him I wasn't sure if I saw a future for us at this point because I don't think he can offer what i need to be happy and this has been a long standing issue, the OF elements has just added insult to injury.

He was very upset, tried to downplay that side of it and said it's nothing. It's nonsense. It's a fantasy that has nothing to do with his feelings for me. I'm his world and he loves me and so on. He actually got very upset which isn't like him. I think he realised the gravity of how I was feeling.

He said it all boils down to the ED. How shit it makes him feel, how he feels pressure to perform because we have very limited opportunity to actually dtd and when we do he's under so much pressure to do it that it becomes very stressful but he does enjoy it. We got to the root of where it started for him and it's been going on for many years before we even met. He spoke candidly and a lot of it resonated with what the male poster on here said.

There was a lot more and although I'm still very upset I'm pleased he has finally opened up about some of it.

It doesn't excuse the OF stuff and I will never be accepting of that but I do feel like with communication we have something to work with. Thank you for all of your comments and advice, I've read everything and really appreciate all views.

This is good news I hope you can work it out. I was wondering would you be willing to try his fetish out for him? See how he gets on with his ED if you give this a go. You might not want to depending what is is but if you've never tried it could it be something you look into.

RebelliousStarrChild · 10/02/2025 13:21

They all get upset in a way that is unusual when faced with the reality that their wife is about to leave them over the porn use and lack of sex because it won't be their precious secret anymore. Other people will find out and judge them.
The upset tends to have very little to do with how they actually feel about their relationship or partner.

One day it will be all down to the ED because it makes them feel so low, then the next it will be "no big deal" and they're "just watching it for entertainment" or "all men do it".

Unless he has made an appointment with a Dr or therapist to actually start dealing with the issue it's all just lip service and you will be right back at this point no matter how many positive conversations you're able to have. Someone who feels entitled to do what he did doesn't just have an ED problem.

And if the things your husband said sounded similar to the male poster, please read his post again and take note that poster has a porn addiction.

It probably sounds like I'm being very negative, but I really do hope you'll be able to work it all out and improve your marriage, I wish you the best of luck.

Itiswhysofew · 10/02/2025 13:39

Make sure he commits to seeing his GP & a therapist. He must do that for you and your relationship. He needs to help himself.

All the best.

auderesperare · 10/02/2025 14:12

rufiooooo · 10/02/2025 08:17

Just wanted to update. We had a very big chat yesterday after days of not talking at all. I sat down and told him I wasn't sure if I saw a future for us at this point because I don't think he can offer what i need to be happy and this has been a long standing issue, the OF elements has just added insult to injury.

He was very upset, tried to downplay that side of it and said it's nothing. It's nonsense. It's a fantasy that has nothing to do with his feelings for me. I'm his world and he loves me and so on. He actually got very upset which isn't like him. I think he realised the gravity of how I was feeling.

He said it all boils down to the ED. How shit it makes him feel, how he feels pressure to perform because we have very limited opportunity to actually dtd and when we do he's under so much pressure to do it that it becomes very stressful but he does enjoy it. We got to the root of where it started for him and it's been going on for many years before we even met. He spoke candidly and a lot of it resonated with what the male poster on here said.

There was a lot more and although I'm still very upset I'm pleased he has finally opened up about some of it.

It doesn't excuse the OF stuff and I will never be accepting of that but I do feel like with communication we have something to work with. Thank you for all of your comments and advice, I've read everything and really appreciate all views.

Pleased to hear this, OP. It sounds like the communication is starting to work. You’ve handled this well. I hope you get the outcome you want.

ItGhoul · 10/02/2025 14:59

rufiooooo · 10/02/2025 08:17

Just wanted to update. We had a very big chat yesterday after days of not talking at all. I sat down and told him I wasn't sure if I saw a future for us at this point because I don't think he can offer what i need to be happy and this has been a long standing issue, the OF elements has just added insult to injury.

He was very upset, tried to downplay that side of it and said it's nothing. It's nonsense. It's a fantasy that has nothing to do with his feelings for me. I'm his world and he loves me and so on. He actually got very upset which isn't like him. I think he realised the gravity of how I was feeling.

He said it all boils down to the ED. How shit it makes him feel, how he feels pressure to perform because we have very limited opportunity to actually dtd and when we do he's under so much pressure to do it that it becomes very stressful but he does enjoy it. We got to the root of where it started for him and it's been going on for many years before we even met. He spoke candidly and a lot of it resonated with what the male poster on here said.

There was a lot more and although I'm still very upset I'm pleased he has finally opened up about some of it.

It doesn't excuse the OF stuff and I will never be accepting of that but I do feel like with communication we have something to work with. Thank you for all of your comments and advice, I've read everything and really appreciate all views.

@rufiooooo I’m really pleased you’ve been able to have a decent conversation with him about this and that he’s managed to be a bit more open with you. This is obviously a really difficult thing for both of you to be dealing with and I think you’ve handled it really well. I really hope things improve and that you can keep talking together and that he gets whatever help he needs too.

Original poster

rufiooooo · 10/02/2025 15:31

Thank you.

I get there will be people here who think I'm a mug. That it's all about him. That he doesn't find me attractive and so on. However while this post might be a bit of light entertainment for you, it's actually my life and my kids lives. I think it would be more foolish to throw all that away without even trying to have a conversation first.

He has been to his GP. Testosterone levels are ok. My feeling is that it is psychological. And perhaps linked to his kink, watching that over the years (and it has been years, long before we met) is clearly going to mess with your real life sexual behaviour.

He says he finds me very attractive still. He wants to have sex with me but it's hard because of his issues. He will work at it. He is loving and tactile and very good to me in daily life so I don't think he's horrified or turned off by me or anything. I also don't think he would cheat physically - let's face it if he can't get it up with me what's the point in going elsewhere? Also he doesn't have the opportunity that I know of and I do actually believe him when he says he loves me and our life together.

All this said, I do realise that it's going to take hard work and communication to overcome this and if we just sweep it back under the carpet it will be the same issues and resentments cropping up again in the future. So I will do my best and I'm hopeful he will too.

Nobody is perfect. You can't always have it all in a relationship but if we can communicate honestly with each other then hopefully we can still try to improve this.

OP posts:

FlowerUser · 10/02/2025 15:55

Given what you've said, I think perhaps he should see a sex therapist.

Uol2022 · 10/02/2025 16:31

ChimneyPot · 10/02/2025 11:36

It is still all about him isn’t it.

Yes, because he did the hurtful thing, he was keeping the secret, he has been avoiding and letting shame control him. The way to make progress is that he talks about his feelings and addresses his issues. It wouldn’t be better if he tried to make it OP’s problem! I get what you mean, that he also needs to focus on how it affects her and what she needs but honestly I think the first thing she needed was communication to open up about his feelings. It’s a good first step.

OP well done for pushing the talk. I hope you both can find a way forward. I know sex therapy can be helpful, if he’s ever willing to try it. For example it might encourage you to build sexual intimacy without any pressure to actually have sex. It might also include sharing fantasies, again no pressure to act on anything. In any case, I think you’re being really brave in trying to find a way forward while also holding firm that there are things you need to get from the marriage. I hope you can work it out, and if not you will leave the marriage knowing that you did everything you could. Good luck

CantStopBuyingSeeds · 10/02/2025 18:20

@rufiooooo So you're rolling over and letting him treat you like this? 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄