Saw dh phone

[rufiooooo]

Dh and I have a very irregular sex life. Posted about it many times here before. He claims low libido and takes Viagra for ED. I have tried not to make an issue out of it and have compromised on once a month, tried to be understanding as I believed he had anxieties around sex and it was just a case of mismatched libidos. We otherwise have a good relationship, small dc and get on well.

I just saw an alert pop up on his phone saying that his only fans subscription hasn't gone out due to him having a new card. I am absolutely gutted. I have told him he might want to look at sorting his card out as his OF payment of £14.95 hasn't come out. I said it's great to know you have no libido to have a healthy sex life with your wife but you can happily pay strangers on the internet.

We are both off work today and I really don't know what to do. Where do I go from here?

Hello op I counsel porn addicts/sex addicts as well as their betrayed partners.

I'm so sorry you're going through this it's a very hurtful confusing time. Please focus on your support right now.

Resources for you.

Helping couples heal
Secret sexual basement -omar minwhalla
Love after porn on reddit women all going through the same thing and wonderful library of Resources
Navigating betrayal on facebook
Jake porter
Pam blizzard
Choose to be podcast

Lots more but thats where I'd start to get a feel if it feels relevant to you.

Resources for your partner
Pbse podcast
Porn on the brain.org
Omar minwhalla
Really recommend Chris jones therapy in the UK therapists for you both need to be csat/apsat trained and individual therapy first.

Happy to answer any questions anyone has.

Subscribing to OF is very much cheating.

He's setting aside time and money to dedicate to another woman to get sexual gratification; exactly the same as he would do if he were meeting another woman in a hotel or bar or whatever.

Time, money, emotions that could have been put into improving your sexual relationship he's been putting elsewhere and leaving you wanting.

He's not meeting your sexual needs and he's expecting you to just put up with it. You are willing to meet his sexual needs (& more) yet he's paying to go elsewhere for gratification.

I know! I was also going to say what a horrible comment that was and what was the point of it!

Could it be that he is a bit embarrassed about the ED and feels self conscious when you two are having sex but because OF is online and just a screen (no pressure to perform) he can get aroused by that? I’m just playing devils advocate here but I wouldn’t class this as cheating or render the relationship unsalvagable

I discovered a long time ago (I'm in my 50's) that this type of 'men with sexual issues' had red flags at the begining of a relationship. Didn't you not notice any when you started dating?

Does he fancy you?

Doesn't get a hard on, needs a pill, only wants to have sex once a month- No he doesn't fancy her, but he very very probably loves the OP. He DOES fancy that OF just doesn't love her. If he was asexual he wouldn't be wanking to OF which is just what the OP found... there's probably more stuff in that phone.

Just popping on here to say that I work for an NHS sexual health clinic (admin, not clinical).
GPs can and do refer their patients to us for Psychosexual Medicine (counselling) for a variety of sexual dysfunction (think ed, sex and porn addictions, paraphilia, premature ejaculation)

It might be worth looking into.
In the meantime OP, sending you a virtual handhold.

So you asked where you go from here?

There is a big pull to ask all the questions under the sun to the betraying partner. What when why...Wanting to seek out all the information we might not know. That's completely valid. But unhelpful now. It's also not possible to attain the honest information right now. Someone who has been living a double life and hiding behaviors potential always has done or for many years. They have to actually learn skills to be honest and sit in that uncomfortable space.

Now is the time you get to start putting in place safety boundaries for yourself. To start feeling empowered again. So what do you need op? Space? Him to leave for a set time? what would make you feel safe right now? Do you need time away to stay with friends or family? Many betrayed partners want their partners to immediately to give up access to devices and put blocks on. That's a valid ask. It's not something we can demand but a partner that wants to provide immediate safety is very happy to do this. Some just want nothing to do with their partners and that's also valid. You get to choose op.

Have you talked about his kink/fetish? It sounds like you don't really communicate, surely that would be a start if you're looking to improve your sex life?

Also, if it's a fetish rather than a kink, it's something he NEEDS in order to get sexually aroused.

because a porn filter can't be unblocked ha! Internet filters is what you do to your kids, if you need to put one on your grown up husband internet use then you're married to a toddler that can't take responsability for his acts which means you have a bigger problem than an OF profile.

At 50, he's unlikely to be pogoing around the room with a massive boner -I think most men's libido dwindles a little as they get older - hoverer, him looking at porn {and his fetish- you don't seem bothered by his fetish, so it doesn't sound dangerous or unpleasant, but if it turns you off, you aren't sexually compatible.

If the house is large, could you split the house into two, and he live in one part, and you the other? {If you find the thought of divorce hard}

Kids and dogs definitely make it harder to split.

Although you could take a dog each and do 50/50

What a dilemma.

It isn't a means of control or fail proof. Its up to the betraying partner if they want to. It can be the first steps in recognising a compulsive behaviour or addiction. It can also be more of a visible gesture to a betrayed partner that the betraying partner is taking this seriously and putting steps in place to stop the behaviour. Many addicts choose to give up devices for a while or even permanently preferring to have very basic phones.

When we have alcohol dependency we may choose to avoid the pub to aid in recovery. When we are concerned about our screen time use we may choose to disable or take off apps put limits on.

Sorry you’re going through this. Personally I could see past porn if it wasnt too misogynistic, even though I’m morally opposed to porn.

OnlyFans to me though is a lot more direct - almost as unethical as using prostitutes. And that’s without taking into consideration his disregard for your own desire for a sex life with him.

Can I ask - is the fetish cross dressing-related? If so this would make sense of a lot of what you’ve said.

If the fetish is cross-dressing related I am not sure counselling will help.

Can we stop this narrative that all men love porn, access it regularly, and any partner or spouse that believes their partner doesn't are delusional fools?

It doesn't do anyone any good, and it normalises the frankly outdated notion that men can't understand the damaging nature of porn on both sexes.

If people continue to act as though not watching porn is an unbelievable quality seen in only the most perfect of men, it fucks us all over.

Please don't suggest that just because I haven't immediately kicked him out I don't have any self respect. That's really insulting and unfair.

We have kids and responsibilities. It isn't that simple in the real world.

And I am angry very much so. But it's a complicated issue and I'm trying to figure things out in a way that's going to be best for my whole family.

The DH needs to be honest about his fetish, does he have ED because he needs whatever it is to get aroused. If so then their sex life is never going to improve as the OP isn’t into the kink or fetish.

It isn’t fair that the DH is getting his sexual needs met through porn and OF’s whilst the OP’s aren’t being met.

@rufiooooo fair point, life is complicated.

I think I just meant to say - in a less harsh way - it's not necessary for it to be linked in any way to other issues to feel it's unacceptable to be on OF.

The messages could have been deleted when he went to walk the dog.

Ask to go through his onlyfans bank charges, that will give you more details into how active he has been on there. If he has only been paying the subscription fee or if he has been ordering personalised content.
The poster you quoted is correct, Small penis humiliation and Home-wrecking are popular fetishes on these sites, I would want more details on his interests and to know exactly what he was watching before you decide to go forward with the relationship or counselling.

You need to know how deep he has gotten himself into all of this before you get invested in helping him, because most lie and pretend it's not a big deal and just like normal porn, like the male poster above. It's not.
I don't find it surprising at all that he is at 'paying for onlyfans level' while not being able to perform with you.

Tmi alert.
My exh swore he never wanked (catholic who never wanted sex) ..only ever wanted sex to conceive our dc... I was younger and put it down to age gap /health issues/religious hang ups ... I eventually moved out... First I moved into another room to sleep. Popped up to get clean stuff and caught him wanking into a pair of my nice pj's! I paused at the door long enough he was at the point of no return and burst in to ask wff he was doing!!
Hope he never managed it again! It's the bloody lies isn't it op?

Firstly, I feel for you because it's never nice to realise that your relationship isn't as you thought.

That said, I have a few questions for @rufiooooo...

• Are you sure it's even a woman he is paying? It could be he is bisexual or even gay!
• What has changed in your relationship? We get attracted to the people we first start dating and marry. But life and children change the way we look. Fact is, he may simply not be attracted to you anymore.

So you have w few options:

1. Bin him. It's extreme and totally out of proportion imo, this isn't a marriage ender but that's just my view.
2. Go to therapy with him. But be ready to own things on your end. This isn't going to be pleasant for either of you.
3. Accept that he gets kicks elsewhere and appreciate he hasn't actually cheated w another person in real life. Cos many people play away.
4. Stay unhappy

If its a kink it may be shame making so I try to have empathy whenever possible. Some people have really out-there kinks that can disgust others. We need to know exactly what we are dealing w here.

My sex life dried up and the reason was I'd put on weight and my partner didn't find me attractive. So I lost weight. Not for him but because I realised if I wanted a better we life I'd need to do something differently. I'd certainly not expect my partner to sleep w me when I've let myself go (not saying that's the case for you obv).
Good luck!

Your partner sounds excessively ott in his reaction (crying whilst praying?!)

Men have a cheeky play when they are alone. This isn't a surprise and it is NOT a knock on you as a person. As long as they aren't sleeping w another person I say it's fairly innocent.

In other words, let go of demands he does what you want. It only causes misery.