Saw dh phone

[rufiooooo]

Dh and I have a very irregular sex life. Posted about it many times here before. He claims low libido and takes Viagra for ED. I have tried not to make an issue out of it and have compromised on once a month, tried to be understanding as I believed he had anxieties around sex and it was just a case of mismatched libidos. We otherwise have a good relationship, small dc and get on well.

I just saw an alert pop up on his phone saying that his only fans subscription hasn't gone out due to him having a new card. I am absolutely gutted. I have told him he might want to look at sorting his card out as his OF payment of £14.95 hasn't come out. I said it's great to know you have no libido to have a healthy sex life with your wife but you can happily pay strangers on the internet.

We are both off work today and I really don't know what to do. Where do I go from here?

Doesn't get a hard on, needs a pill, only wants to have sex once a month- No he doesn't fancy her

ED isn't caused by lack of sexual attraction to a partner.

You’re absolutely right not to believe his explanation. He looked at it because he finds it arousing. Men and sex are very simple and the obvious answer is always the right one. He said that to paint himself in a better light.

I don’t mind my DH looking at porn. It helps if they’re honest about it and the reasons why though. I never ask my DH why he watches it because it’s bloody obvious why!

Sorry cheating and inherently just vile. So sorry. Absolutely no way would I tolerate this. It's prostitution for me.

You do realise that plenty of porn doesn't feature men at all? Lots of men never watch porn that depicts sex between men and women. Lots of men always go for porn that's just women performing sex acts on their own, or women having sex with each other.

Most female OnlyFans performers are women who just appear solo.

@Originblueberry not been cheated on as far as I know ever (obviously not daft enough to realise I might just not have known). I have ended a relationship over porn and other secretive disrespectful behaviour though. Hope that helps.

Only fans or any type of online paid for sexual interaction is prostitution. End of for me.

You haven't said whether it's a kink or a fetish? Do you know which one it is? As I said earlier, if it's a fetish, and not something you're prepared to be involved in (which is absolutely your decision, I'm not saying you should do anything you don't want to do), then ultimately he's not going to be satisfied with your sex life.

@Bumblebeestiltskin I suppose it's a kink. It's not integral to our sex life and he still seems to enjoy the very infrequent times we have sex. But I honestly don't know at this point to be honest.

How about him being honest and laying his cards on the table when he married her? "Hi honey, I like you but i also like looking at porn and have a very strong foot fetish/cross dressing/into pain"?

He did not, he chose to misled her instead. Deep down he's ashamed of his fetish and ashamed of his sexuality and probably it has something to do with his need for viagra and the hiding away his sexuality from the partner.

Yep, I totally agree!

I'd not tolerate that either. Makes me feel 🤮

@penelopelondon yep I do feel like I've been very much misled. He was never honest about these things. By the time I figured stuff out bit by bit it was too late and I was in too deep. Now with dc, marriage and a mortgage together it is not simple to leave.

I am trying to be sympathetic around the fact that he very clearly does have issues surrounding sex but it's hard to overlook the total lack of transparency and the fact my needs have had to go on the back burner for so long.

I have managed to avoid him most of today and yesterday. I think a frank conversation is needed tonight.

Although it's not simple to leave, if you stay you will have to agree to continue to put your needs on the back burner.
This situation isn't going to improve without him making it a priority and I doubt he will be in a place to do that anytime soon unfortunately.

If you stay, you should consider how to improve your own situation, not just live quietly unhappy with his ways.

It's not just guilt and shame that stops men like this from telling their wives what they are up to. It's also that they do not want you straying too. Some admit as much. That's a huge problem, regardless of what decision you make. If you decide to stay, focus on getting equality for yourself.

Another point...

Can someone love you and at the same time have things they don't tell you about?

Surely we all have secrets we don't disclose to our partners and sometimes these are sexual in nature. For me, if my partner was into getting covered in turd, it may well be they wouldn't want to tell me (hopefully!) As long as someone isn't engaging in the act with them, it isn't my business if they watch videos or access OF.

Sometimes I think we all get caught up in the (?) false belief that marriage means we are entitled to every area of our partner's life. Personally I find that unhealthy and controlling. But that's just me. I am extremely liberal in relationships (outside of cheating, do what you want!)

I often wonder if there is a sex difference re viewpoint on these issues.

If he doesn't change the only option is accepting it as it is. Any other solution leads to suffering.

Ed dosent mean the end, there's viagra etc today.

What I find astounding is how easily people are willing to give up on the relationship.

When we get marriage it is MEANT to be for life even if it gets awful. Obviously not staying w abusive folk. The fact he has shame enough not to disclose it and has ED is not a justifiable reason for leaving, in my opinion.

It is reflective of western culture that so many people treat getting divorced with such ease.

Men are human beings too and deserve as much compassion and kindness as women and children. If a woman hits a stage where she may not have much of a sex drive, I'd imagine a man saying he'd leave her would be met with gasps of horror on here. And rightfully so. So why the double standard?

@Cheeseburger85 it isn't about the lack of physical sex. I accepted that a long time ago. It's the lack of communication. And yes I also believe that being married doesn't automatically entitle you to know everything about your partner. We all have secrets and parts of ourselves we don't want, need to have to share.

But his secrets and shame are causing me distress and pain. He is telling me one thing but then I'm seeing alerts on his phone that suggest another. If there is misunderstanding it's because he has chose to keep these things from me. And yeah I'm not saying if he'd approached me and said 'I'm thinking of subscribing to OF so I can test out my libido' I would have been best pleased. But I've still found out and this way just feels much more hurtful and shady.

I disagree.
If you are into getting covered in turd and it stays as a thought only, then that is none of my business.
If you decide to join a group around the subject, pay someone to provide you with content and become a regular consumer of the content, then that definitely is my business as your wife. Because I wouldn't want to be with someone who behaves in that way or acts on those interests.

Once ED gets added into the mix it's well past being a personal issue as its now affecting the marriage.

She's already suffering.
She has other options, it's just up to her when and if she decides to act on them.

People only suffer because of their reaction to a problem, not necessarily the problem itself.

This tends to happen when one gets so focused on me, my and mine.

I prefer not to make everything about me. He has to own his own stuff, and I would suggest his partner needs to own her own reaction to it.

As my favorite monk once said "yes that's his problem to deal with, now let's look at your problem".

Just to add the kink isn't getting covered in turd!!!!

But the sentiment remains that he hasn't been honest about his preferences or limitations in the early stages of the relationship. I know people put on their best face in the early days but equally I feel like if you know you have issues with sex and are expecting someone to adjust their lifestyle around it it's only fair to say. So that they can make an informed decision about whether or not it's the right relationship for them.

Having had a husband with similar issues, though he had an affair not an only fans account, and used a childhood experience against me my very clear advice to you is leave. Just leave. I'm having a bit of a thing with someone and turns out all issues were ex h not mine