Saw dh phone

[rufiooooo]

Dh and I have a very irregular sex life. Posted about it many times here before. He claims low libido and takes Viagra for ED. I have tried not to make an issue out of it and have compromised on once a month, tried to be understanding as I believed he had anxieties around sex and it was just a case of mismatched libidos. We otherwise have a good relationship, small dc and get on well.

I just saw an alert pop up on his phone saying that his only fans subscription hasn't gone out due to him having a new card. I am absolutely gutted. I have told him he might want to look at sorting his card out as his OF payment of £14.95 hasn't come out. I said it's great to know you have no libido to have a healthy sex life with your wife but you can happily pay strangers on the internet.

We are both off work today and I really don't know what to do. Where do I go from here?

Is it quite safe to have your children around a man who thinks it's FINE to spunk family money away on bought women who indulge some creepy fetish?

Get rid

Hi OP,

A lot of the background you describe here could be me and my DH, except I haven’t discovered him doing anything like this. If I’m entirely honest with myself though I don’t think I would be massively surprised if I did. Some years ago I found him doing something on his computer that represented this kind of level of infidelity and dishonesty and I threw his computer across the room and then went away for a couple of days (this was pre kids) and basically made him realise how serious it was to me. We worked through it and it has never come up again but I do sometimes wonder if he’s just got better at hiding it; he’s very good with tech.

I don’t know how I would react in your position, honestly.

Sorry that’s not helpful at all, just to say you haven’t done anything wrong and I don’t think there is one right answer here, really.

I see your point, but would it be better for the couple to split up and then him have them 50:50 at a different home away from their mum? Because that’s likely what would happen.

So my situation wasn't the same as yours but just food for thought...
My ex was like yours but worse. No kinks as far as I knew but absolutely no sex. To be honest it destroyed my self esteem at the time. He swore low/no sex drive and I put up with it because I loved him. This went on for years and I finally ended it because I couldn't take anymore. Not too long after he has a new girlfriend and ultimately it turns out he did have a drive just not for me.

I felt so angry he wasted my time for years instead of being honest but I'm glad I'm out of it now.

So sorry I am sure this is so hurtful for you but just to consider, I wish I hadn't sacrificed my own needs for so long for a man who hadn't the guts to be honest with me. I hope you do what's best for you and big hugs.

Ps I agree, the paying it bit would be a dump them offence for me too

I suspect this is exactly the sort of comment that drives men with ED to use porn instead of a sex life with their partner. I mean, jeez, I'm pretty sure ED must be embarrassing enough for a man without this horrible attitude from other people around it.

As a woman, if I had a condition that meant I could only have non-penetrative sex, I would not want to have sex if I thought my partner might consider getting me off to be a 'sorry spectacle' involving 'a lifeless hole'.

Unless his fetish is children, their safety isn't an issue.

Think you need to make a plan to end this relationship, it's over. Get out and make a new start for your self. Give yourself a chance of happiness you won't find it with this man.

No I couldn’t put up with that, I’d be disgusted in him and feel disgusted to be around him.
Taking your sex life out of the equation (ie. whether you were having no sex or lots of it), that makes no difference in my view, the fact that he pays for OF regardless of anything else, that’d be reason enough to end things -
but maybe that’s just me.

He has ED, but there are plenty of other ways to give you sexual pleasure and to share intimacy together. Is it just penetrative sex that you're not having, or has the relationship lost all intimacy? Hugging? Kissing? Holding hands? Other forms of not penetrative sex? Talking just the two of you focused?

Personal opinion only but I can believe that he pays for OF porn as a way of trying to reignite his libido. For many, watching it can be like foreplay. So finding this out wouldn't be the deal breaker for me.

Finding out he is having a healthier sex life without me would be the deal breaker, but it doesn't sound like this is the case?

If I were you I would take up his suggestion of counselling together. It could really help to open up the conversation in a way that you are obviously both struggling with at the moment.
I would also want to see a commitment to the relationship in other forms than sex, to feel secure that the relationship of what you both want.

Thank you for this info. I asked him outright if there had been any messaging or interactions. He said no so I said in that case log in and show me. He did and there was nothing on there. It doesn't make it ok but has he been communicating with anyone I would have felt a lot worse then I already do.

wow. Cheers. I feel encouraged to reach out and help human being more in future.

Precisely.
The mention of therapy is just words. Always a man’s go to when they want to be forgiven but will rarely follow through on it

The only thing I will say is in my own quest to improve my dead libido (DP has a major problem with the lack of it and I don't want him to be unhappy) I have tried toys, erotic literature and 'spicy' audio. None of it works as I find it all extremely cringe and distracting, but certainly if he were to go n the basis of my bedside drawer and my browsing history, he might jump to similar conclusions that I do actually have a libido, just not for him. When in fact the opposite is true, I tried all this stuff in order to improve my desire levels FOR him, not because I had any great urge to it myself.

So don't discount that explanation out of hand!

Stay angry until this is fully explained and you have a real plan going forwards

Don't let him stay quiet until you go quiet and just accept and move on

He will just keep lying to you and keeping secrets

Be aware, he always knew you would not like this, but paying women for sexual acts to satisfy himself was just more important than listening to you and how you feel and doing anything to bring you both closer in anyway

If you didn't spot that message, he would continue as he is without a bother on him

Be really careful, this isn't the rest of your life, because in my experience, the kink is always more important than sex with you

Your relationship is always 2nd to his own sexual desires

It's better be alone than to be undesired in your relationship and made to feel second, you don't deserve to be less important to your husband than his sexual desires, which he keeps a secret from you

I know, I sound bitter, but it took me a long time to realise I did not want to be with a man who could repeatedly lie to me, and I didn't want to be the kind of woman who would just accept it

He is a wander, literally!

I wish I had ended my relationship when this happened to me. Sorry because I know how this feels. I would get rid of him while he feels guilty enough to leave. It is very interactive on OF - sorry, to me it is cheating.

Not defending but perhaps it's not about libido but the fact he is looking for excitement?
Could've watch porn for free tho... weird he's paying. There is a chat function on OF, so perhaps sex texting as well 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

😆 Yeah, they all say that!

But watching porn must make things worse, when they see guys with proper-functioning fully-grown manparts in full effect.

I just want to preface this by saying that I am by NO MEANS suggesting this is the case with your DH, that's not why I'm mentioning this.
But, the whole "I'm doing this for my marriage" is a common excuse used by men caught looking at things they absolutely shouldn't be.

An old friend's Dad was convicted a few years ago of possession of 100's of 'images' of children. When it went to court, his defence was "I thought it would help my ED and save my marriage" Lots of people commented on the article saying that men always say this (or "I thought it would increase my Libido") when caught watching porn/only fans.

look - putting aside his failure to focus on you and your needs - I can only say here that an OF subscription would be an absolute relationship ender for me.

God, have some anger!! and self respect! this is totally gross and disrespectful to you

@Haemagoblin isn't there a difference though with OF? which is real live people he is getting off on.

Some people with porn addiction can struggle to experience pleasure from sex with a spouse. They become desensitised to other forms of pleasure, including marital sex. Maybe that's the issue?

If he has ED it could be from overuse of porn. In which case he needs to stop watching it and abstain from masturbation to get back his sex drive. Alternatively his fetish may mean he doesn't feel aroused unless he has that kind of sex. In which case it may mean your intimate life with him is over.

I wonder what he would say if you were watching porn and OF.