Sick of having to ask DH for money

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

Hi people. Has anyone ever had a positive SAHM experience? I a SAHM of 2. My DH and I made a pact years ago I would look after the kids and he would grow his business. I have always been out of work even when the business got successful as he says he could make more money than if I worked since he wouldn’t have to pay for childcare nor watch the kids, which whilst it is true, I have always craved my own independence.
I have grown very resentful. Although I love looking after the kids and hate the idea of leaving them, I crave my own financial freedom. Recently we moved house and he insisted if we threw away most of our clothes (luckily I stood my ground when it came to the kids clothes) it would make the move easier and he promised to replace my clothes. Now that it’s time to cash in on this promise he says that £150 is too much money for clothes even though now I don’t have much to wear. This is my last straw as I am sick of trusting someone else for money even if it is my husband. He even went as far to say I’m irresponsible with money even though I truly never am away from this kids so I don’t even get to spend money on dates with friends or a spa day and I haven’t brought anything for myself in a year. I admit it’s probably selfish I ask now seeing as we just have moved but now I could use some clothes for myself and suitable footwear. It’s so annoying I wish I had never agreed to this because I’d like to prioritise myself and feel bad asking for time away or clothes for myself but I truly feel terrible in myself. I understand many of you will critique me for putting myself in this situation but the dynamic has only recently changed this much where I have to “ask” for money. But am I being wrong for asking at such a busy time for him? We have money (I honestly don’t know how much as it’s all considered his grrr) but should I feel bad for taking away for myself whilst he provides for all of us?

You need to get your own job.

He is your husband. He doesn't have "his money", it's a joint asset. You either have free access to your marital assets or you divorce him and let the lawyer explain to him how finances work when you are married.
ETA: he does not provide for all of you since you don't have access to any money without having to ask and made feel bad for asking. He provides for himself, maybe his children and he has "free help".

Get a full-time job. Split all bills proportionately

It's a partnership, it was a mutual decision for you to be a SAHM and him to work so it's not 'his' money, it should belong to both of you and you should know how much there is and what disposable income is available. If I was you I would get a job. Going without clothes and feeling bad asking for money is no way to live. How old are the DC?

You need to get a job even if it’s part time. Nobody wants to be away from their kids but needs must.

You are married. There is a bit in the vows that goes "all that I have I give to you". This is legally binding, as he will find if you divorce.

That said, if you did divorce you would be responsible for creating your own income. Being out of the workplace for long is a sure way to dependence; being a SAHM does mean you need open communication about finances and sharing.

Tell him you want access to the money or you’re getting a job and he will be doing childcare. He needs to choose.

We have money (I honestly don’t know how much as it’s all considered his grrr) but should I feel bad for taking away for myself whilst he provides for all of us?

Should you feel bad for asking for £150 for clothes and suitable footwear? No.

Is he providing for all of you, if you don't have clothes and suitable footwear? No.

This is financial abuse.

You are enabling your husband to build his business up, by caring for his children. You are sacrificing your own financial freedom, and building up benefits such as a workplace pension, in the process.

He is massively, massively taking the piss. This is not a partnership or how it should be.

This is pretty much textbook financial abuse.

Why is all the money his? He's only earning it all because you are picking up all the home and child labour to enable him to do so - therefore all the money is family money.

He is your husband. He doesn't have "his money", it's a joint asset. You either have free access to your marital assets or you divorce him and let the lawyer explain to him how finances work when you are married.

This!

Do you have a debit card for shopping? Or does he give you cash? It is unusual not to have access to any money - what if there was an urgent situation like needing to pay a plumber if you have a flood?

I think you may need to speak to Citizens Advice or similar to ask about it.

Hope you get some good answers on here.

Have you told him all this?

You need full transparency about all money and access to it without asking him.

No-one should ever become a SAHM without having this.

If he refuses now that’s divorce territory. But first make sure you secretly copy/screenshot everything relating to his money and assets as he will start hiding it all as soon as you mention divorce.

Have you looked up his company’s accounts on Companies House? That will give you a sense of how much he’s making, if he won’t tell you. Half of that money is yours.

You also do need to get a job I’m afraid as it’s clear he can’t be trusted to treat you like an adult.

Is the house in both your names?

Definitely tell him you have had enough of living like this. He has destroyed your agreeement and you can't trust his word anymore. So - tell him you're looking for a job and he'll have to pay a proportion of childcare adjusted to his higher income. Ask for a joint account - if he declines, start sleuthing so you know how much money has has. It might come in handy to know one day.

What sort of a random thing is throwing clothes away, to make a house move easier. That makes absolutely no sense at all. Did you have 6 wardrobes worth?! That’s such bullshit!

This is abuse.

He's not ensuring your provided with basics you need such as clothes and other things.

He's isolating you from friends by not even providing a fiver to meet a friend for coffee occasionally or more often.

You've given up your work and saddled you with the care of the children making it difficult for you to leave the home,have adult company and have financial independence from him.

All of the above also makes it very difficult to leave him.

He's got you right where he wants you;a bangmaid who's trapped putting up with his abusive bullshit.

You need to speak to him. If it doesn’t improve you get a job and leave.

I’m a sahm. I have equal access to joint
account for family spending. We also both have the same amount of money for personal spending clothes for oursleves, going out with friends, random things we want for oursleves.

The OP has not - she chose to be a SAHM on the promise that if she did that labour and supported him, her H would provide the cash to support her. Nothing wrong with that - until he broke it.

Invoice him for your services as a cook, nanny, house keeper for the years you did it.

In addition to this, invoice him for each of your pregnancies, the trauma of childbirth and for the cost for gym membership, spa days, massages and hair salon to heal your body and mental health from pregnancy and childbirth.

Christ, he's proper done you over hasn't he? Talk about chained to the kitchen sink, barefoot and pregnant.

You need your own job pronto. Preferably you need to leave the abusive arsehole.

This is the definition of financial abuse copied and pasted from www.womansaid.org.uk:

Financial abuse is part of coercive control, it involves a pattern of controlling, threatening and degrading behaviours relating to money and finances. The perpetrator uses money to control their partner’s freedom. This can include using credit or debit cards without permission or building up debts in their partner’s name. Economic abuse is a broader term, as it also includes restricting access to essential resources and services, such as food, clothing or transport, and refusing to allow someone to improve their economic status through employment, education or training. Some examples of economic abuse are:

• Controlling all of the household income and keeping financial information a secret
• Taking out debts in your name, sometimes without you knowing
• Stopping you from being in work, education or training
• Making you do a certain amount of hours at work, not contributing to any bills
• Having control over spending, checking receipts, having everything in their name

If you are experiencing financial abuse, Surviving Economic Abuse can support you.

This is harsh af. OP is an adult, clearly. Don't infantalise SAHP.

Hope you feel big about yourself now you've been a twat to a stranger online.

I also want to add that even the fact you would agree to throw away your clothes because he suggested it indicates a hugely unequal power balance in your relationship.
My DH would never even think to tell me what I should do with my own clothes. If he did I’d laugh in his face and that would be the end of it. Same for all non-abusive marriages I expect.

You shouldn't have to ask for money. You need a joint account.

Or you need a joint account from which all bills are paid and anything left over is split evenly between you and your husband and paid into your separate accounts to spend as you wish.

I didn't work for 4 years (mutual agreement) so my husband paid all the bills and set up a direct debit to my account giving me half of what was left over. And we each did what we wanted with our own bits .

If your husband won't share, then he can't ask you not to work. Get a job and spilt the child care equally.