Sick of having to ask DH for money

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

Hi people. Has anyone ever had a positive SAHM experience? I a SAHM of 2. My DH and I made a pact years ago I would look after the kids and he would grow his business. I have always been out of work even when the business got successful as he says he could make more money than if I worked since he wouldn’t have to pay for childcare nor watch the kids, which whilst it is true, I have always craved my own independence.
I have grown very resentful. Although I love looking after the kids and hate the idea of leaving them, I crave my own financial freedom. Recently we moved house and he insisted if we threw away most of our clothes (luckily I stood my ground when it came to the kids clothes) it would make the move easier and he promised to replace my clothes. Now that it’s time to cash in on this promise he says that £150 is too much money for clothes even though now I don’t have much to wear. This is my last straw as I am sick of trusting someone else for money even if it is my husband. He even went as far to say I’m irresponsible with money even though I truly never am away from this kids so I don’t even get to spend money on dates with friends or a spa day and I haven’t brought anything for myself in a year. I admit it’s probably selfish I ask now seeing as we just have moved but now I could use some clothes for myself and suitable footwear. It’s so annoying I wish I had never agreed to this because I’d like to prioritise myself and feel bad asking for time away or clothes for myself but I truly feel terrible in myself. I understand many of you will critique me for putting myself in this situation but the dynamic has only recently changed this much where I have to “ask” for money. But am I being wrong for asking at such a busy time for him? We have money (I honestly don’t know how much as it’s all considered his grrr) but should I feel bad for taking away for myself whilst he provides for all of us?

You are supposed to be a team, a partnership. You have sacrificed your independence and earning power to enable him to build his business for the family (which includes you) and this was agreed.

The money he makes is for all of you it is not his money alone.

You need the following:

1. Access to all accounts where money is.
2. Full knowledge of how much money you have
3. Full access to how it is spent
4. To be included in, consulted on, how the money is spent or saved

Once you have all this then you can both agree and set a budget that includes a set sum of money for your personal use for whatever you want to do with it.

Finances should be open and transparent.

If he won't agree to this then as others have said he is financially abusing you and using money to control you.

It is incredibly demeaning to have to ask for money like a pauper.

@Rachmorr57

She does work, but he doesn’t pay her!

You do understand the situation? Your comment is so daft, because she would be able to work if she wasn’t looking after his kids, that he WANTS her to look after. So, if she ups and says she’s starting Monday that’s an argument on the cards because she agreed to what HE wanted.

If you can’t see the inequality and frankly, the abuse here then I don’t think you’ve read the OPs post correctly.

I have lived by the mantra "never hold your hand out to anyone for money". I'd never depend on a man for my cash. Always worked full-time, hard with children, but doable. Yes, we enjoy what comes from 2 incomes, but nothing beats financial independence for a woman.
Get a job, if only for your own money. Sets a good example to your children. Taking positive action will shake him up a bit and he might stop regarding you as one of his children.

My story as SAHM: DH gave me access to his account when I went on maternity leave with DC1(basically turned his into a joint account so we have 2 bank cards)
20 odd years later and a lot has changed financially but I still have access to his account - just no need to use it as I am earning similar amount and we have split bills between us.

In your shoes, I would get a job AND ask for a joint account for household bills and other essentials.

Throwing away clothes so there's less to pack is a really bizarre thing to do. You say he agreed pay to replace them but now won't. It actually sounds like he doesn't want you to have any suitable clothes to go anywhere or do anything other than minding the kids.

As you both agreed that you'd stay at home to allow him to be the main earner then your bank accounts should be joint. You shouldn't have to ask him for money.

It really sounds like it's deliberate - that his plan was always that you'd be stuck at home with nothing of your own.

I cannot be arsed to read all the replies but more than 10% think you are being unreasonable? I don’t know who the people on Mumsnet are but we are worlds apart!

£150 is not enough money to replace clothes he asked you to throw away!

Just leave him and sleep at a family members / friends for a couple of nights and see how he copes when he has no childcare for a day or two. Tell him you’ll come back when he ‘allows’ you to get a PT job so you can buy yourself things and treat yourself. Don’t threaten it, just go.

We have never been an everything is family money family. We have never had a joint account. However when I became a SAHM in 1996 we agreed that I would lay out our expenses on a monthly basis, keep a record and the receipts and DH would write me a cheque at the end of the month. My lay outs included:

Food shopping
An occasional coffee or lunch with friends
Petrol
Haircuts for dc and me
Clothes for dc and me (sensible)
Dentist
Parking
Window cleaner
Bits for the house (towels, plants, cooking stuff)
Tumble tots
Swimming
School dinners and trips as they got bigger

I was a sahm for seven years and never once did he question a single spend (I am not the last of the big spenders).

When I went back to work part-time it was lovely not accounting for every penny. He became shortly after we started a family the much higher earner.

Your DH does indeed sound financially abusive and I don't think just getting a job will solve it.

This. Anything else is bonkers. You are not free labour, you are an equal partner in your marriage. You jointly decided that he was the one bringing the money in. But he doesn't own the money, you both do. Anything else is financial abuse. Make sure you don't just go and get a job to get money, or you'll be doing that and all the SAHP stuff too.

You have every right to revisit the agreement and seek financially rewarded work while he does childcare. This needs a discussion.

But I'm concerned you say it's only recently changed whereby you have to ask for money - why? Is the business perhaps doing badly? Is something being hidden from you?

Joint account - money belongs to both of you and trust each other to spend wisely. If he doesn't want that then he is not into marriage as a partnership and he is not a keeper.

you have to divorce. This does not seem is going anywhere loving and sensible

Errrrrr…. What??? If you agree for one parent to stay at home to look after their own children they are not considered an adult? That is some fucked up thinking right there. We all have to put our kids into childcare to be considered adults??? That will come as a shock to 99.999999% of humans who have ever existed who have had children and taken care of them themselves. I say that as someone whose kids are in nursery btw, I’ve got no beef with childcare.

He made you throw most of your clothes away, and now £150 is too much to replace them?

On what planet? I'd have a hard time finding a jumper, jeans and shoes that cost less than 150 quid.

Simple solution - He replaces your stuff, or you go back to work and he covers childcare.

Get yourself back to work.

This is why it is almost always a bad idea to be a SAHM. Sometimes it works out but you are completely dependant on someone's good nature which as you've found out, can quickly change and then you feel stuck.

You're looking after his kids, it's your money, he's a tool

Is he abusive in other ways too?

Isolating you from friends and family?

Putting you down?

Gaslighting?

Treating you as a servant/nanny?

Prioritising his wishes over your needs?

Using anger to control you?

Blaming you for his bad behaviour towards you?

we did it in a similar way; we still have separate accounts but decide who spends on what ...also neither he or I earn a lot and is very easy to know what we have each

I was homestay for 8 years. Never lacked anything, also have been given cash as much I want and more than when I did not want it, plus all things bought for me and haircuts and courses offered to me , trips away, tops and dresses

@Justlivelovelaugheat £150 is too much???? is he expecting you to go to the local church jumble sale and buy a couple of tops for 50p each????? wtaf!!!!

Dh and I each have our own bank account and we have a joint account for bills. I work part time , Dh earns 7x my wage .
This is how we work out our money -

Dh wage 3500
My wage 500
Bills 3000
Saving 500
Dh left over money 250
My left over money 250

We end up with exactly the same money, sometimes dh transfers money to my account to make it even.

Why should one of you have a lesser life style than the other?

I'd sit him down and tell him it changes now or you will be getting a job and he can start doing his share of housework!!

💯

Abuse in its purest form.

How can she go and get a job with no clothes?

I’ll be prepared to bet he’s an arsehole about childcare, the car etc.

OP I’ll tell you how this ends: you start to make moves to change things, get your own money and independence and he ups the control in response. Be ready. Explain all this to your friends and they will equally be horrified.

I'm a sahm and never ask for money. We have a joint account and I just spend what I need to.

Look his business up on companies house,that’ll give some clues about finances
Get A Job. You shouldn’t have made yourself unwaged and dependent.
Hes controlling. Frankly it sounds irredeemable. Get divorced, get a job,consider a training course

Echoing others you need to tell him it’s not working and you are looking for a job to have some financial independence

Throwing out most of your clothes to make a move easier is a bizarre thing to do.

I have a feeling he's done this to keep your confidence low and your world small. £150 won't buy fuck all these days, and he knows that.

The fact that you feel it's "selfish" to ask him for ''suitable footwear'" is really, really depressing.

Ask for him for full access to family money or get a job. If you are worried or nervous about discussing either of these things with him, then you really do have a problem.

His business might be not that successful as you think.Do you know how much he earns?