Sick of having to ask DH for money

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

Hi people. Has anyone ever had a positive SAHM experience? I a SAHM of 2. My DH and I made a pact years ago I would look after the kids and he would grow his business. I have always been out of work even when the business got successful as he says he could make more money than if I worked since he wouldn’t have to pay for childcare nor watch the kids, which whilst it is true, I have always craved my own independence.
I have grown very resentful. Although I love looking after the kids and hate the idea of leaving them, I crave my own financial freedom. Recently we moved house and he insisted if we threw away most of our clothes (luckily I stood my ground when it came to the kids clothes) it would make the move easier and he promised to replace my clothes. Now that it’s time to cash in on this promise he says that £150 is too much money for clothes even though now I don’t have much to wear. This is my last straw as I am sick of trusting someone else for money even if it is my husband. He even went as far to say I’m irresponsible with money even though I truly never am away from this kids so I don’t even get to spend money on dates with friends or a spa day and I haven’t brought anything for myself in a year. I admit it’s probably selfish I ask now seeing as we just have moved but now I could use some clothes for myself and suitable footwear. It’s so annoying I wish I had never agreed to this because I’d like to prioritise myself and feel bad asking for time away or clothes for myself but I truly feel terrible in myself. I understand many of you will critique me for putting myself in this situation but the dynamic has only recently changed this much where I have to “ask” for money. But am I being wrong for asking at such a busy time for him? We have money (I honestly don’t know how much as it’s all considered his grrr) but should I feel bad for taking away for myself whilst he provides for all of us?

A great man doesn't build his career off your labour and then deny you £150 for clothing. He's abusing you. Don't fall into the sunk cost fallacy. Just because you've given him years and years doesn't mean you should give him more.

@Justlivelovelaugheat your DH is financially abusing you.

You need to decide what to do about it.

The money you have is not his btw it's family money. He sounds like an arse.

You effectively own half his business and should know the full details of finances. Know your rights.
Book into an accountant with DH and have everything explained.
Take over some of the parts of the business that you would enjoy and that you can cope with at home.
Encourage DH to do more child care so that he appreciates that part of your family structure and the work that you do.

Go to an op. shop for some new clothes but for some items purchase the best, natural fibre jumpers and coats etc.
A fair start would be 1000. Your DH is deluded.

One the kids are at school start to expand parts of your business that would be advised or look for outside work.
Pool finances, because you already are, and be alert and know exactly what is being spent, saved, invested etc.

Regain your endependent earning power either in the business or with your own career path.

Kick the whole thing off with a frank discussion with your DH about visiting an accountant together.

Recently we moved house and he insisted if we threw away most of our clothes (luckily I stood my ground when it came to the kids clothes) it would make the move easier and he promised to replace my clothes. Now that it’s time to cash in on this promise he says that £150 is too much money for clothes even though now I don’t have much to wear.

Borderline abusive.

Barefoot, pregnant & in the kitchen.

Is he making contributions to your pensions - the State pension & a proper retirement fund?

You'd be better off without him, but as a compromise, go back to work part-time. Build up skills and cash.

There's no borderline about it.

But this is a good point. OP, you insist this has been a recent change. Has this 'great man' been making suitable provision for your retirement while you have been at home? Not his, not your 'joint', but for you personally, in your name?

Yes. I am technically an employee in his business (I do minor roles) it just doesn’t go directly to me (more tax efficient that way.) He puts some in my pension and has also paid off a lot of my student loans as well as paid for my license a lot else throughout the years. That’s why this current behaviour is so shocking and hurtful because we’re normally on the same team. His been through a lot, that might be affecting his behaviour and making him act out.

Began this with dc2 but started working again after 18m as it was too difficult financially.

Again I was a sahm for 2 yrs and dc were starting school, financially we were ok but I needed a life outside the school drop off and pick up. Dp always gave me money and we coped. But much better being able to work and have money too

Paying off student loans - if you're in England - is not a great use of money. Only 17% of graduates are expected to earn enough to do so - those who earn over 150K.
You'd have had better use of the money buying clothes / pension payments / training for a job

Tell him that his miserly behaviour is slowly but surely eroding your love for him. Because this is how it'll end if he continues along this path. You need full access to all assets and the ability to spend money reasonably. You are meant to be a team - he is not your boss.

However, just in case he decides to be an arsehole, in your shoes I would quietly plan my exit. Getting back to work, collecting all financial documentation, reading up on divorce - aka getting your ducks in a row. Better safe than sorry...

I'm sure someone has mentioned it, but is the business in trouble?ask him. He might start paying you money again to prove it's not, of course.

There used to be rule that women could keep a % out of what they save out of 'housekeeping' money.

I don't understand op how it isn't beneficial for you to be paid directly. The pension is good, as is paying you up to £12k per annum which is tax free. Not paying the student loans would be sensible too as these are low interest and get written off after 30 years.

Get that job for sure!

There's no borderline about it.

Probably as you say @TriciaMcMillan straight out abuse & coercive control. But to say that flat out often confronts & scares off posters, who really need help, advice, and solidarity.

We shouldn't underestimate the shame that some women can feel, realising the abusive mess that their marriage has become.

I am sorry but you are being financially abused. Do you get child benefit?

Completely understand your point, and that may well be true, but sadly I've all too often seen women lean into any perceived grey area in order to convince themselves that they are the ones in the wrong.

Sorry what? You work for him but he withholds your wages? Sounds almost like modern slavery to me!

I haven't read all the replies but I'm a sahm and I've never ever had to ask for money. Our money is in the joint account.

It seems odd that it's more tax efficient not to pay you, at least up to the value of your tax free allowance.

People have already mentioned that paying off your student loans is also rather an unusual choice.

I hope you have seen the pension investment, assume this is a private product? Important to keep an eye on financial planning for later life, whatever life throws at us (death, divorce, ill health etc.)

Whatever the previous position, you clearly feel something has significantly changed and what you've outlined as the current situation is completely unacceptable in a true partnership.

I hope you've taken on board that people are concerned and you deserve better. Whether or not he's been through a lot, the result is his behaviour is abusive. Unless you're willing to accept the status quo (don't!), it needs to change, or you need to consider how to start making plans, either for financial independence or to leave.

How the hell is £150 going to replace all your clothes ?!

You both sound naive he needs to have a joint access account & you need to be employed in the business or elsewhere ASAP

I was a SAHM, or barely worked for many years. This was agreed beforehand and everything is joint, including all bank accounts. We do not have his/her money.
If you agreed to stop work to help his business why on earth is it "his" money and not fully joint? That's disgusting of him. If he won't stop this, you need to work.

This.

OP, you need access to joint finances or a divorce.
This is financial abuse.

If he's not always been like this, I assume he is under some considerable stress that he isn't sharing with you. My husband got like this, and eventually he opened up and we worked through it together. Glad I didn't leave him, and we're now in a better place. Hang on in there.

P.S. Financial stresses are also less now I have a part-time job.

I used to be SAHM. And my husband was not a high earner. I NEVER asked for money. I had full access to everything.
High earner with private business and arguing for £150 sounds crazy.
He is lying about stress, mortgage, etc.
99% other woman.

I have a positive SAHM experience, but that's because my wife isn't a dickhead. I'm afraid your husband is.

You are married, which means all money should be joint money. You need to give him an ultimatum over this: either all money is in a joint account you both have access to, or you get a job and start divorce proceedings.

Also, if you want a job, get a job, even if you do decide to stay with him.

Oh, do fuck off.

Also, most adults are capable of using accurate punctuation and proof-reading for typos. Even the SAHP.