Sick of having to ask DH for money

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

Hi people. Has anyone ever had a positive SAHM experience? I a SAHM of 2. My DH and I made a pact years ago I would look after the kids and he would grow his business. I have always been out of work even when the business got successful as he says he could make more money than if I worked since he wouldn’t have to pay for childcare nor watch the kids, which whilst it is true, I have always craved my own independence.
I have grown very resentful. Although I love looking after the kids and hate the idea of leaving them, I crave my own financial freedom. Recently we moved house and he insisted if we threw away most of our clothes (luckily I stood my ground when it came to the kids clothes) it would make the move easier and he promised to replace my clothes. Now that it’s time to cash in on this promise he says that £150 is too much money for clothes even though now I don’t have much to wear. This is my last straw as I am sick of trusting someone else for money even if it is my husband. He even went as far to say I’m irresponsible with money even though I truly never am away from this kids so I don’t even get to spend money on dates with friends or a spa day and I haven’t brought anything for myself in a year. I admit it’s probably selfish I ask now seeing as we just have moved but now I could use some clothes for myself and suitable footwear. It’s so annoying I wish I had never agreed to this because I’d like to prioritise myself and feel bad asking for time away or clothes for myself but I truly feel terrible in myself. I understand many of you will critique me for putting myself in this situation but the dynamic has only recently changed this much where I have to “ask” for money. But am I being wrong for asking at such a busy time for him? We have money (I honestly don’t know how much as it’s all considered his grrr) but should I feel bad for taking away for myself whilst he provides for all of us?

I can’t get past how he persuaded you to throw your clothes out to make the move easier. I’ve never heard anything like that before. Weird.

It’s not his money, it’s your family money. You gave up your job to enable him to grow his business, you’ve remained out of work to save the family money on childcare and because he wanted you to. It is your joint money, not just his. You absolutely should not be having to ask for money because either everything should be in a joint account or he should be transferring you at least enough to cover your needs (which may include a coffee or meal out with friends every now and again, for example). I am actually so angry on your behalf.

Tell him he needs to share his money fairly with you as you’re the one enabling him to have a family and home life whilst earning that money, or you’re going back to work and childcare costs will be split.

And this is how a true partnership should work.
I am staggered by people saying they list their spending, keep receipts then partner writes a cheque etc.
We just shared all our resources. It never entered our heads for a moment to do otherwise.

Get a job then!
It really is that simple surely?
You feel resentful then get a job and earn your own money!

Your resources need to be pooled, and you shouldn't have to ask for money - you're both putting in work and enabling the business to make money. I'm quite worried that he persuaded you to throw away all your clothes before moving - not just because that's obviously insane, but because you were persuaded by it. Perhaps a sign you're under his influence? Definitely keep up any relationships that are in danger of dropping off so you have someone to sense check these things with.

No matter how you try to dress it up it's his money. Whether or not he chooses to share is his choice. Like it or not. His money going into a bank of his choice and access only if he allows it. Why won't people wake up to those simple facts.

“My husband is a great man”

Wake up, he really is NOT.

A great man does not make his wife get rid of all her clothes then break his promise to replace them.
A great man does not selfishly see all the money as HIS money and refuse to share with his wife
A great man does not tell his wife she can’t get a job and make her scared to ask for money.

This is very sad OP.
I grew up with a mum who had to account for every penny and had a limited clothes allowance and I hated how my dad controlled everything.

I know this is frowned upon but I'll happily send you £20 for an item of clothing, message me your details.

It boils my piss that men think they can treat women like this.

Fine, technically it’s his money but really it’s family money and that’s how it should be viewed (that’s how divorce courts would see it, too) because without her giving up work he wouldn’t have been able to grow the business and earn the money in the same way.

It is his money technically. And even divorce courts don't see it as family money whatever that even means realistically speaking. Spousal maintenance after divorce isn't very common these days. When push comes to shove there is no such thing as family money. Every day on MN there are posts about financial abuse. The person who holds the purse strings holds the power.

There's no technically about it. Morally, you could argue that it should be family but it is his money.

Legally, it would be shared during a divorce but marriage isn't divorce and a married couple aren't required to share their income, otherwise married people wouldn't be able to have personal accounts.

Morally is a different story. Of course, morally, he shouldn't keep his money to himself but this is what can make SAHM's so vulnerable because one day, a man can simply change his mind and this is what happens.

When women say they don’t work because they hate to be away from their kids : honestly do they believe that we all love to leave our kids at nursery every day??

I do. 😝

The fact that it would be shared in a divorce rather implies that it should be shared in marriage. I’m well aware it’s not required, hence cases of selfish and financially abusive husbands such as the op’s.

Please don’t take it personal didn’t mean to offend anyone. I feel very lucky I don’t have to work and can watch my kids grow it’s my greatest joy. Could only imagine the job you do and I’m sure you’re an amazing mom! Sorry you have to leave your kids :(

Divorce and marriage are very different things. I don't think there are any shoulds with marriage really and plenty of married couples don't have shared finances BUT the big exception is when one is a SAHM, you don't leave someone you claim to love with little to no money.

There truly are amazing people out there and you are one of them! That won’t be necessary but how sweet of you really appreciate your kindness!

no worries at all. I do believe that you need to take responsibilities for your decisions. Of course choosing to stay home and be there for your children’s milestones is going to come with some down sides like the unknowns of how your husband will share finances etc. Life is really really expensive and you’ve just moved house presumably somewhere you like - there must be bills
coming left right and centre? Why don’t you sit down with your husband and work out how much disposable income there is at the end of each month and then say I need X amount monthly and I think we can afford that. Best of luck x

All these people saying “go get a job”

seem to have missed the part where the two of you decided she should be the primary parent, and stay at home.

have those people also forgotten that there is no “his money” it is a shared marital asset.

and you should have full and free access to that money.
together you might put together a budget, but it is your money to spend. And he should not withhold it .

yes you might also want a job,
but you also need to deal with his financial control.

and if he doesn’t appreciate the work you do by staying at home and caring for his children, and him and his house then maybe you should separate.

There is no reason you can’t have access to all the bank accounts. It doesn’t matter if it is his personal account or his small business. Given your precarious situation, he doesn’t have the right to keep financial secrets.

if he won’t agree to full transparency so you can make your own budgeting decisions, then your sahm status needs to change. He will need to contribute towards childcare fees and start doing drop offs, pick ups, sick days, and more housework.

Your husband has set you on a slippery slope here into financial abuse, and you are sliding fast.

Get your own job.

He and you can pay proportionally to income for childcare.

Tell him you're a grown adult; you won't go begging for money for clothes or shoes, and that since he has reneged on his assurances to you, you are canceling your side of the bargain too.

Whose name is the new house in?

Start job hunting. Do not let him do this to you.

Make sure you keep as much documentation of his income from the business as possible, and documentation of the business turnover, profit, and taxes. You may well need this information one day. Keep a close watch.

OP needs to get a job so she can start protecting herself and making plans to leave if he doesn't change. I wouldn't trust him to be a SAHM again, even if he did change because what's to say he'd not do it again?

He should be giving you money freely if he valued you. He doesn’t. There’s no need to beg, it’s belittling and beneath anyone. He’s just not a nice man. If you can, go home to your parents. Greedy people don’t suddenly become free with their money. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Get out while you’re still young.

Just keave as he's never gonna change, you'll be able to get benefits, and he will have to share your money, as that's what it us, both of yours.

Good luck op

You should ask him to pay you. EITHER _ get paid as a child minder - for 'working hours' when you are not sharing the kids - or Work out how much he would like to spend in a month - and he pays you that much - keeps that much for himself and everything else goes in the joint account.