Sick of having to ask DH for money

[Justlivelovelaugheat]

Hi people. Has anyone ever had a positive SAHM experience? I a SAHM of 2. My DH and I made a pact years ago I would look after the kids and he would grow his business. I have always been out of work even when the business got successful as he says he could make more money than if I worked since he wouldn’t have to pay for childcare nor watch the kids, which whilst it is true, I have always craved my own independence.
I have grown very resentful. Although I love looking after the kids and hate the idea of leaving them, I crave my own financial freedom. Recently we moved house and he insisted if we threw away most of our clothes (luckily I stood my ground when it came to the kids clothes) it would make the move easier and he promised to replace my clothes. Now that it’s time to cash in on this promise he says that £150 is too much money for clothes even though now I don’t have much to wear. This is my last straw as I am sick of trusting someone else for money even if it is my husband. He even went as far to say I’m irresponsible with money even though I truly never am away from this kids so I don’t even get to spend money on dates with friends or a spa day and I haven’t brought anything for myself in a year. I admit it’s probably selfish I ask now seeing as we just have moved but now I could use some clothes for myself and suitable footwear. It’s so annoying I wish I had never agreed to this because I’d like to prioritise myself and feel bad asking for time away or clothes for myself but I truly feel terrible in myself. I understand many of you will critique me for putting myself in this situation but the dynamic has only recently changed this much where I have to “ask” for money. But am I being wrong for asking at such a busy time for him? We have money (I honestly don’t know how much as it’s all considered his grrr) but should I feel bad for taking away for myself whilst he provides for all of us?

He wanted a pact that you'd be a SAHM so he could build his career?

He also made a pact that he would throw all your clothes away, and buy you new ones. He broke that one so the first one can get in the bin too.

This is an invisible prison, and you need to get out.

On what planet does throwing all your clothes away because you're moving house make sense? I wonder if he was left with the clothes on his back and no means to get new ones? Thought not.

He's abhorrent OP, speak to Womens Aid for advice on financial abuse and coercive control.

This is genuinely horrifying OP.

Tell him you need full access to the current account tomorrow and you’ll be buying some clothes. Any protest and this is confirmation that you’re in a financially abusive relationship.

is there anywhere you can go with your children? Family? Friends? Whilst you get on your feet and get a job.

Get a job

And/or leave him

I don’t understand why you threw all your clothes and shoes out to make a house move easier, I’ve never heard of such a thing.

That was my thought too. What an evil bastard.

I don't understand that at all - why would you throw all your clothes away!

The OP has chosed not to be an adult, each grown up should be respobsible for themselves if you want money OP then go out and earn it, what if something happens to him then what?

Sigh ! they are earning it , have you had a look at childcare prices recently ? Or how much a cleaner is ?, better still a housekeeper ? A cleaner isn't going to wash your pants, so her job is more akin to a full-time Nanny and housekeeper , which those who are seriously loaded, will tell you are worth their weight in gold and not cheap !

Yes OP the fact you would go along with such a mad idea really shows you’ve lost all sense of what’s normal. He can only have suggested this as a form of control.

Does he often suggest totally ridiculous things that you feel unable to push back on?

Umm, why did you not tell him to fuck off when he said you should throw away your clothes to make a house move easier Who does such a batshit thing? Also £150 to replace them? My wardrobe would cost thousands of pounds to replace and it iis mostly mid range high street suff.

You will never be truly independent if you aren't earning money. You will be a dependent. No good.

Nope nope nope this is called financial control and is not healthy. I have only just returned to work after 8 years of being SAHM and my experience was everything is 'ours', have had full access to all accounts and although I do sometimes ask him if I should wait a month to get something he almost always says no get what you need and get good quality not cheap crap for yourself. We have also paid into a pension for me the whole time. Whilst for large purchases I would discuss with him for a pair of jeans or some shoes I would just go. I am not usually an advocate for keeping your moneys separate but in these kinds of instances it is definitely healthier for you to have an income and keep some saved away for times when he will not allow you access. Can you access the accounts yourself or do you literally have to ask him to hand cash to you to buy things? I can understand a discussion around buying things if money is tight but to outright say you can't buy yourself any clothes when he has told you to bin your other ones is very off to me.

This is financial abuse.

You need to sit him down and explain how much money he's saving by not having to pay 1/2 of childcare (it's around £85 per child per day for nursery and around £18ph for a nanny, and nannies do not do the housework either, so you can add on half the costs of a cleaner at £16ph for however many hours that takes).

You don't need £150. You need full access to the money he is making off your unpaid labour so you can spend what you need to spend to have the same quality of life that he has.

A long time ago, but as soon as we married we had a joint account. When I became a SAHP it was a joint decision and we decided it would be better to put our savings into my name as I had a spare tax allowance because I wasn’t earning. When I went back to work it was part time. I have never had to ask about spending money out of our joint account. Obviously when we went through lean times we both spent sparingly.

Get your own job and have your own money then you won't need to ask for any.
This set up clearly doesn't work for your family.

What is your earning potential? Even if you return to work, if you earn less than him, I wouldn't put it past him to expect you to contribute half and then just have access to whatever you have left over.

You need a joint account where you can spend what you need without asking. The money in his account isn't yours just by virtue of you being married. Obviously if you were to divorce it would be considered as part of the pot to be split. You shouldn't have to divorce to get access to money from your husband.

The arrangement isn’t working because he’s not sharing money - he’s treating it like he’s doing you a favour by allowing you to buy clothes with his money. He feels he can do this because he earned it. What that says is that he totally lacks respect for your role in him being able to earn it: your support, your sacrifices, your provision of childcare etc. That kind of selfishness and stinginess is financial control.

Did he throw away his own clothes in the move? 🤔This is so weird.

Are you getting the child benefit paid to you?

You need to get a job, and you need to have access to all the family money.

I'm pretty happy with our set up as a sahm. I never ask for money, I do most spending on DH's credit card as a second cardholder and also have access to cash through a current account in his name. It is easier for us not to have joint accounts and that's not been a problem at all. We see all of the household income as one pot. Never been questioned on my spending at all and never felt guilty or felt I need to hold back on purchases, because I see it as our money.

Being a sahm only works if you are treated as an equal.

I haven’t worked for various reasons since Ds was born 12 years ago - he’s disabled, I’m disabled, I owned the house when dh and I met as I was always a high earner but now dh works full time and I don’t work at all. But - we share everything, we have three joint bank accounts - one where everything goes into, and we use each of the others as a spending money account and give ourselves an equal amount of “spending money” each month. All household spending etc we share from the main account. Completely fair and transparent and we can see what’s in all the accounts. Been together 15 years and it works for us.

Either he gives you access to the bank account or you go back to work. Sorry he’s being so bloody awful about sharing!

Looking after your own children and cleaning the house that you live in is hardly the same as looking after other people's children or cleaning someone else's house.

He’s not providing for all of you if he won’t let you have money for clothes! He doesn’t want you to work because he would be less well off, but right now you would be much better off. Either he needs to put all money into a joint account and share his income or you need to get a job and he has to accept that some of his wage will need to go on childcare.

We originally had that. Joint account, he transferred money and it was fine. Only in the last year has it changed as he needed it in his account and his business to boost his ability for a loan apparently. From then it’s been awful. Before the arrangement seemed fair especially as I got to stay home with the kids.

You need a job, any job, as long as you earn some money to spend as you choose. Good luck.