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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick of having to ask DH for money

237 replies

Justlivelovelaugheat · 05/02/2025 21:01

Hi people. Has anyone ever had a positive SAHM experience? I a SAHM of 2. My DH and I made a pact years ago I would look after the kids and he would grow his business. I have always been out of work even when the business got successful as he says he could make more money than if I worked since he wouldn’t have to pay for childcare nor watch the kids, which whilst it is true, I have always craved my own independence.
I have grown very resentful. Although I love looking after the kids and hate the idea of leaving them, I crave my own financial freedom. Recently we moved house and he insisted if we threw away most of our clothes (luckily I stood my ground when it came to the kids clothes) it would make the move easier and he promised to replace my clothes. Now that it’s time to cash in on this promise he says that £150 is too much money for clothes even though now I don’t have much to wear. This is my last straw as I am sick of trusting someone else for money even if it is my husband. He even went as far to say I’m irresponsible with money even though I truly never am away from this kids so I don’t even get to spend money on dates with friends or a spa day and I haven’t brought anything for myself in a year. I admit it’s probably selfish I ask now seeing as we just have moved but now I could use some clothes for myself and suitable footwear. It’s so annoying I wish I had never agreed to this because I’d like to prioritise myself and feel bad asking for time away or clothes for myself but I truly feel terrible in myself. I understand many of you will critique me for putting myself in this situation but the dynamic has only recently changed this much where I have to “ask” for money. But am I being wrong for asking at such a busy time for him? We have money (I honestly don’t know how much as it’s all considered his grrr) but should I feel bad for taking away for myself whilst he provides for all of us?

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 06/02/2025 09:14

MissUltraViolet · 06/02/2025 09:10

He’s a great man and you love him but…he gave you a suitcase for all the clothes and made you choose between throwing the children’s or yours away with a promise to replace them then went back on that agreement so you find yourself asking for advice because you barely have anything to wear. (This makes zero fucking sense btw, you presumably moved a crap ton of large, heavy furniture & appliances etc. Clothes are easy!)

He now has you in a position where not only do you have to ask for money, when you do ask, he says no.

You do work for his business and don’t get paid yet he’s somehow managed to convince you this is acceptable.

Oh…and he made you move away from all your friends and family.

Great man, wonderful. Can see why you love him so much.

All of this.

@Justlivelovelaugheat Your husband is abusive. You aren't painting him in a bad light. You're on denial about his behaviour.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/02/2025 09:15

Justlivelovelaugheat · 05/02/2025 23:04

The last few months I’ve seen a side that has made me think it’s time to go and get a job. But we’ve been together for years and years my husband is a great man and I love him very much. The only problem is now with how his acting even if I did want to leave it would be incredibly hard. We’ve moved far away from any family, the mortgage now is insanely expensive I’d never be able to afford it by myself and a part time job won’t cut living expenses. Hopefully a job will sort out dynamic so it goes back to normal and I’ll feel like myself again!

Show quote history

I'd be asking him what is it in the family finances that he doesn't want you to see, to be aware of???

If your mortgage is too high or too much for him to manage on his salary and he's trying to hide that, he needs to come clean NOW before he gets in even further.

If it's a business loan, again, he has to come clean now.

It sounds very shifty and shady that he's changed at the same time that you've moved house and it revolves around a business loan.

I'd be sitting him down and expect honest answers or you'll have to get someone to do some investigating into the accounts of the business (as you're directly impacted on its success/failure).

AnonymousBleep · 06/02/2025 09:42

Financial abuse.

Get yourself a job and/or get out of this situation, OP. He is using money to control you - and he's also tight as a duck's arse. You're not his unpaid skivvy, you're his wife, but that's exactly how he's treating you.

MrsKeats · 06/02/2025 10:00

ElizabethTaylorsEyebrow · 05/02/2025 21:14

Is the house in both your names?

This doesn't matter unless they are unmarried.

bombastix · 06/02/2025 13:22

Textbook financial abuser. I assume he controls the rest of your life without effort as you have confined yourself to the house.

You may have drifted into this but only you can decide to get out.

If you have negotiations for basic items then you are not being treated like an adult.

Rawnotblended · 06/02/2025 17:46

Please keep talking, OP.

Please also tell someone from home, in real life, what’s happening.

Bubblyb00b · 06/02/2025 18:43

£150 is NOTHNG when it comes to getting something to wear. Its literally a top and a half decent pair of boots, maybe not even that. It costs a good few hundred to get yourself dressed decently, and its his fault you have nothing to wear as he dumped your stuff!! He is a complete twat, he is abusive and nasty. I fell very angry on your behalf. You really need to do something about it - I would suggest getting equal access to joint account, this would be a good start. If he refuses, I honestly think this marriage should not continue. You are his wife and mother of his kids, not his servant!

Mumofthreewonderfulkids · 07/02/2025 19:00

He is controlling you by withdrawal of money. I suggest you sort this out very soon it not a good way to live. Married people should have a joint account what his is yours and vice versa. Get advice and a credit card as your income is the same as your husbands.

Nikki7506 · 07/02/2025 19:03

Wow, it's like back in the 50s.......I agree with other posts that say you need financial independence. The power balance in your marriage is messed up.......and no......£150 is not a lot of money for clothes plural.

Diddlyumptious · 07/02/2025 22:13

I've nothing to add other than speak to him, expain how you feel and options you have which you will be taking. You need to get financial transparency until you do all the expensive holidays could be loans and he's in financial trouble. good luck.

TryingToStayAwake88 · 08/02/2025 10:41

I'm a sahm, I have access to our joint account, credit card and savings are in my name for tax. So I can spend what I want when I want and my husband would encourage me to spend more on myself. That is how marriage and sah parenting should be. Equal access as both contributing.

What you are experiencing is financial abuse.

Discofish · 27/06/2025 13:37

He's convinced you into throwing away most of your clothes knowing you don't have the means independently to replace them- and is now refusing to allow you even a minimal amount of money to do so. That sounds abusive.
If a couple make the decision for one to stay at home doing the parenting and domestic labour, while the other is in employment, then there should be no such thing as separate finances. Plus you're married so legally there would be no such thing if you were to divorce.

Discofish · 27/06/2025 13:52

Also- just read the post about it making more sense tax wise for your salary not to go to you- that's bullshit. It makes sense tax wise for him to pay you up to the personal allowance of £12,570 as that's a business expense he doesn't have to pay tax on- but if he isnt actually paying you that money he just wants to save the business tax without actually paying you- which morally would be fine if you equal access to a joint account. If you legally registered as an employee and you are not getting your wages each month, on top of not having access to joint finances, then this is another example of abuse. I imagine you could take him to an employment tribunal if you chose to divorce.

You mention he's paid off loads of your student loan? But if his reason for officially employing you is tax- it makes no sense for him to pay you more than £12,570, that is well below the threshold for repaying student loans (there are different threshold for different plans but none are that low). Do you know for certain he has? Do you check on the student loan portal? I'm not sure if would be taking his word for it.

Imdoodleladie · 01/07/2025 12:53

It's a control issue. If you don't sort it out now, it will only get worse. Can you imagine what it will be like when the children have left home or are old enough to not need you home 24/7. He will have eroded your self confidence to such a level that you won't be able to work and you will be completely dependent on him. People change within a marriage and it's not always in a good way. I repeat you have to nip this in the bud. This is a fact not an opinion.

Notyomama · 01/07/2025 13:09

The clothes thing is so weird - why on earth wouldn't he let you take your clothes with you?? Do you have any idea why he did it? From the outside it sounds so petty and controlling. Moving clothes is probably the easiest part of moving house - they weigh very little - so why make you get rid of them?

The £150 to replace them is insulting. You can buy hardly anything for that amount.

Jennps · 01/07/2025 13:11

Thread after thread, it’s always the same lesson. SAHM leaves you vulnerable. Get a job or be dependent on a man.

Semiramide · 01/07/2025 13:30

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT !!!!

OP hasn’t returned to the thread since beginning of February…

GreenGully · 02/07/2025 20:05

I'd rather get a job than beg and grovel for some clothes and I say this as a woman who doesn't work.

Itchytoe · 02/07/2025 20:20

GreenGully · 02/07/2025 20:05

I'd rather get a job than beg and grovel for some clothes and I say this as a woman who doesn't work.

How come you don’t work @GreenGully ?

GreenGully · 03/07/2025 08:39

Itchytoe · 02/07/2025 20:20

How come you don’t work @GreenGully ?

Show quote history

Because I don't have to.

Imdoodleladie · 03/07/2025 12:13

Fare enough... But in the right time it is best you earn your own money. Maybe study and keep your skills up to date with courses when you eventually get the chance. Stepping into employment will be easy for you then.

Boomer55 · 03/07/2025 12:15

Get a paying job and be independent financially.

4naans · 03/07/2025 13:22

Why don't you just have free access to the money? You both need equal access that's the only way that it works. However he's already shown he can't be trusted not to be controlling when it comes to this so I do think you need to work as he isn't reliable.

BogRollBOGOF · 03/07/2025 13:46

I really hope that OP's circumstances have improved in the past 5 months...

Lucynow · 03/07/2025 15:23

GreenGully · 03/07/2025 08:39

Because I don't have to.

Show quote history

If you won’t have kids and don’t work and 34 years old… genuine question but what do you do all day? Surely most of your peers are working and / or got children? @GreenGully