DH says he can't enjoy his time with me because I'm spend so much time talking about the kids and home

[Adana22]

We have 3 kids. I'm a SAHM. We're very different in that I like to plan, organise, make lists and see things get done. He's much more laid back.

There's been a bunch of things that have been needing doing for a year or more. The washing machine needs replacing (leaks each time I use it). Dish washer is broken and just sits there for my toddler to climb in and out of. The cordless hoover doesn't work and the corded one is too heavy for me to drag around the house (I have some back issues and I'm pregnant).

Yesterday I printed out some information regarding one of the toddler- we've been having trouble with her food and sleep, and only recently have things improved. So I want to make sure things continue improving. I just typed up stuff about her meals, nap schedule, sleeping routine, milk etc. This is for when I go into labour, and also for the days immediately after while I'm looking after our newborn.

He was not only very dismissive, but seemed to suggest I spent too long discussing the kids and the house snd what we need for the house. And really we should only need 30mins a week to discuss such things. Also that he doesn't enjoy his time with me anymore because I'm talking about these things with him all the time.

It's really upset me. For years I've pleaded with him to make more time for me- arrange a lunch date at a café he knows I like. I keep dropping hints about places I'd like to visit (I'm talking mundane stuff like antique mills, markets, IKEA(!)), but he never does take the hint and the only time we have together without the kids is an hour at most in the evening.

It seems unfair of him, but his comments have also got me questioning myself. I used to have a rich life before I married and started a family. Now my husband just sees me as a boring old nag. AIBU for feeling this way?

I can see both sides of this.

You do need to discuss household logistics. Its inevitable that its going to take up some conversational time.
Otoh: It does get boring if that's all you talk about together.

It sounds like you're almost on the same page. As you would also like some couple time to visit places together and presumably talk about something else.

How about you take him up on his 30 minutes a week idea and pencil in a "house meeting". And then ask him directly to go out to places together instead of hinting.

If he wants to have a stay at home wife, and three, soon to be four kids, what does he expect?

It sounds like your world is really small - house and kids. And that's fine if that's what you want it to be, but I have to agree its dull if that's all that gets discussed.

Why not just set aside an hour over coffee every Sunday mid morning while the kids nap/play to discuss the logistics of what needs doing, and the rest of the time keep the conversation off the boring logistics of family life?

Does he talk work at you every day? Because that's what it's like.

Why don’t you directly suggest and arrange to go to these places? Why just drop hints??

Can you afford a new dishwasher, washing machine and hoover? If so just order them today, select the option to get them installed and old ones taken away and crack on with life. I wouldn't put up with broken stuff but it also doesn't need a big discussion about it - just order it. He doesn't want to be at work all day and come home to chat like this I think is what he is saying. I can see both sides but there is stuff you can do about it subject to finances of course.

Are funds too tight for you to just order a replacement dishwasher?

It absolutely normal to talk about your children especially if there are issues to be dealt with.
His thirty minutes a week is laughable. What a stupid remark.
Sounds to me like he doesn’t want to talk about any child issues, thing you might like to do or anything that needs doing/replaced in the house as that puts him out and spoils his nice fun man life.
Do you do anything for yourself OP?
Does he look after the children on his own so you can do something and therefore have something else to chat about?

I have to say I'd be really pissed off to be given a typed up schedule, different if he'd asked you to do it.

OTOH house things need to take priority as it makes life easier.

Why do you need to discuss a hover and broken household items? Why is his input relevant, just get it fixed or get a new one.

as another poster suggested. 30 min house meeting weekly is fine. You probably do talk about house and kids a lot as that is your job/life and probably the fullness of your day thus your general chatter.

not much you can do about it as with 3 kids I doubt there’s much time for personal
enrichment or hobbies. Maybe find something shared to focus on that’s outside of mundane stuff.

you know your DHs schedule, if you want to go somewhere tell him and suggest a day. Hints are famously rubbish and don’t work.

Just to add I wouldn't have anymore kids with him, you sound done. Your old life is gone and you're now all about kids and the house - after this baby maybe get back to you 😊 he doesn't sound all that nice so maybe your own job and income etc would be wise post mat leave.

You really need some interests outside the home and domestic affairs. You wouldn't like it if he spoke non stop about his job. Anyone who goes on about the same thing gets pretty boring to listen to.

Setting a limit of 30 minutes a week seems a bit unrealistic but I would absolutely hate it if every time I was trying to chill with my partner they were talking about lists of household issues and writing lists of stuff. I'm guessing you'd be bored if all he wanted to talk about was his work. It doesn't sound to me as if the issue is that you talk about the house and kids a lot, but more that when you do talk about those things it's all to do with stressing about what needs doing.

I don't see why things like replacing a dishwasher or buying a new vacuum cleaner would need lots of discussion. Either you can afford them or you can't. If you can afford them, just crack on and order them. If you can't, then talking about them isn't going to make the money magically appear.

Why does he keep having children if he finds talk of domesticity and parenting so dull?

Can you afford new white goods? If so just buy them. You’ll damage your house with things leaking so often. Surely if you can afford an extra child you can afford safe ways to wash clothes and dishes.

Is there bigger stuff going on here? Do you want so many kids and do you have access to money?

Why are you dropping hints? That’s such a
strange way to approach this - surely you just say we need x let’s go to Ikea on Sunday

This. If the money’s available to pay for them just do it.

Stop hinting and tell him

I get so exasperated with people saying they are hinting at things with their partner or people they say they're close to - just state what you want / need / would like
You might think it's a hint but if they don't pick up on it then it isn't.

Communicate like the adult you are - clearly & without ambiguity

He sounds like the kind of man that if you did in fact get some outside interests, he'd call it "babysitting " his own kids so you could go.
And he'd probably refuse to do it

This 30 minutes thing is a way of shutting you down, it's abusive really.

Yes it might be boring you Paul, but fix the fucking dishwasher and I'll shut up. Knob!

Washing machine sounds annoying, order a new one and add installation/disposal of old one and that's sorted...and grab a new hoover. Same with dishwasher but that's probably less important if finances won't stretch to it all at once.

Stop the hinting, you should be able to tell him on X day you want to go to X place.

I'd defo put an end to the baby making after this one and start looking at what you could do outside of the home once bubba has arrived. Hobbies, getting back into part time work etc.

What's the deal with the broken washing machine and dishwasher? Tbh I'd expect the person at home to sort this out - either to mend them, to get a repair done or to organise replacing them. Obviously there may be financial implications, depends how you operate your finances, do you have access to a house fund to sort this kind of stuff without checking in with him every five minutes? If you dont have access to a fund like that that's a different matter, but I'd still expect you to get quotes for repair or find a replacement on Marketplace or whatever and then discuss options with him which might take a minute or two.

Also why not just fix a date with him and then organise to go out?

I guess I'm looking back to the SAHPs I have known, particularly my mum and her sisters. People talk about 50s housewives like they didn't do anything or make any decisions, but believe me they were powerhouses. They were capable, active women who did DIY, made clothes, grew food, looked after animals (and i mean like chickens and pigs, not a dog) did community work, volunteered in service work and politics. That's why the women's movement happened. They certainly expected to keep up to date with what was going on in the world and had stuff to talk about.

They all did different versions of this - obviously if they had very small children they did less DIY and more child development stuff. I'm not saying he's got it all right either. But honestly, take charge of your own life and your home, don't spend your time waiting for him.

I don't have access to family finances- otherwise I'd replace the broken appliances myself.

Yes my world I small now. I had a very active social life and successful career before I married. But moved to this new city and have always struggled to settle here. Don't know many people here, and my family are in another city.

We don't go out to cafés. We barely go out together at all. That's his choosing. I don't drive and leaving the house alone with young children is hard.

Why don't you have access to money?

So basically your being financially abused?

So you have no access to money at all? because that is a much bigger issue than your husband being annoyed you talk about the home/kids too much.

I can’t believe you’ve got to the point of having (nearly) 4 kids with this man 😳

At the very least you should be able to order some new household things that actually work - what are the finances like in your relationship? Do you both have equal spending money? (I’m a sahm and that’s what dh and I do; we both have access to all money and a set and equal spending amount for ourselves).

I suspect he’s actually very controlling in many aspects.

I don't have access to finances

I don't drive

You sound very trapped OP.

As a SAHM you should be able to access the family pot in order to run the house.

Are you ok? Is he keeping your world small deliberately