DH says he can't enjoy his time with me because I'm spend so much time talking about the kids and home

[Adana22]

We have 3 kids. I'm a SAHM. We're very different in that I like to plan, organise, make lists and see things get done. He's much more laid back.

There's been a bunch of things that have been needing doing for a year or more. The washing machine needs replacing (leaks each time I use it). Dish washer is broken and just sits there for my toddler to climb in and out of. The cordless hoover doesn't work and the corded one is too heavy for me to drag around the house (I have some back issues and I'm pregnant).

Yesterday I printed out some information regarding one of the toddler- we've been having trouble with her food and sleep, and only recently have things improved. So I want to make sure things continue improving. I just typed up stuff about her meals, nap schedule, sleeping routine, milk etc. This is for when I go into labour, and also for the days immediately after while I'm looking after our newborn.

He was not only very dismissive, but seemed to suggest I spent too long discussing the kids and the house snd what we need for the house. And really we should only need 30mins a week to discuss such things. Also that he doesn't enjoy his time with me anymore because I'm talking about these things with him all the time.

It's really upset me. For years I've pleaded with him to make more time for me- arrange a lunch date at a café he knows I like. I keep dropping hints about places I'd like to visit (I'm talking mundane stuff like antique mills, markets, IKEA(!)), but he never does take the hint and the only time we have together without the kids is an hour at most in the evening.

It seems unfair of him, but his comments have also got me questioning myself. I used to have a rich life before I married and started a family. Now my husband just sees me as a boring old nag. AIBU for feeling this way?

Sorry cross posted with others. This is no way to live.

I don't have access to family finances

Wow
Ok this is not good.

Oh goodness, what money do you have then OP?

First priority: driving lessons.

Second priority: discover some of the you before. What was your career? What made your life rich? Every city has some cultural richness - what is it in your one? What can you read / do / listen to that means your conversation broadens? I employ two women who were SAHMs only, both of whose DHs have said to me 'thank god she now talks about something other than the children'.

@Adana22 He is the one letting you down as a dh . Then calls you the nag.
Why haven’t you bought new items to replace the broken ones ? What haven’t you called a repair guy for the dishwasher ?
Does he hold the finances which restrict you to do these things.
He should pull his weight but if he doesn’t then the money gets spend by you in sorting what so needed to run the home.

For us stay at home mums, if things in our environment are affecting us, we become a obsessive to get things in order. You are not wrong to need to get the " nest" I order before another child comes along. He sounds selfish and uninterested. You should tell him he needs to sort the house bits so you can relax. Undone house bits really stress me out too.

You don't have money ? So he is also financially abusive to you? Seek help with that...

This is not abuse ffs

Sort the finances - they should be shared. Learn to drive.

I don't have access to finances
I don't drive

This is horrifying. This man is treating you as livestock. If you're in the UK contact Women's Aid.

So you could say: 'I was thinking about what you said about me being boring and only talking about home stuff, so I have come up with a plan. Give me the bank details and I'll get it all sorted myself. I also want to take up a <non house based> hobby so I can get out of the house more, so I need driving lessons. Also let's get a babysitter and go out to the theatre/cinema together'.

His response to that should clarify things for you.

Was your previous career something you could pick up a few mornings a week? You need some financial independence

Having read the rest of the responses I agree that you are being abused. Being told not to talk about the house so much is not abusive but not having access to finances is terrible.

You are in a very, very vulnerable position. If you have no access to money, and your H is not even replacing or fixing the tools you need to do your 'job' (washing machine etc) then you are almost certainly in a financially abusive controlling relationship. It may be no accident that your H had brought you to a place where you are removed from all your friends and family.

You need to find a way to break free of this man and build your own life. Can you move back to be near your family? Can they support you?

Refusing her access to family money is abuse.

How can OP afford driving lessons with no access to money?
You need to completely review this with him and if he won’t give you access, tell him you are getting a job and x % of household income will go on childcare.

You have no agency otherwise if you’re trapped with young children.

It sounds like you need to make some changes - you need to be able to pay for things from a joint account and you need to learn to drive! You are far too dependent on your partner.

What?!! You have no access to money!! Jesus christ.

Agreed! This is financial abuse.

She has no access to money and he is not fixing the domestic appliances she needs to run the house. She can't get them fixed herself as she has no access to money. And that's not abusive?

Why don't you have access... you're earning that money just as much as your husband as without you being with your kids you'd both be earning but spending it all on childcare, so he gets to have a family and a job by earning a salary and its yours too. I hate and am so sick of reading that women cannot access the money. I say this as someone currently on a career break to be at home with my son as nursery fees in London wiped out my salary, my husbands money is my money and vice versa when I earn again.

Your whole world is the home and kids atm and that's life with a young and expanding family, ehat does he expect if there aren't opportunities for you to do things other than that!?

OP you need to have access to family money. .
You need to have a talk and tell him
things change .
There is more to this than broken appliances.

If things didn’t improve then can you for back to where your support network are ?
You are stuck at home while he has free rein to a life and money he dismisses your family needs and spends no time with his wife . Does he spend time alone with the kids ?
What does you evening and weekends look like ?

Are you happy ?

I'm sorry. I was also going to just say get the things repaired/replaced or whatever, but I'm now completely outraged that you don't have the ability to access the funds and manage your own home.

This is your biggest problem in my opinion.

You are being financially abused. He is keeping your world small.

Not having access to family money?

This is unacceptable.

You are doing a job (more than one really!), which is taking care of your joint children and the house, providing food. Working essentially most hours of the day. To do all this and not have access to money for yourself is basically slavery

This.