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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH says he can't enjoy his time with me because I'm spend so much time talking about the kids and home

275 replies

Adana22 · 04/02/2025 11:21

We have 3 kids. I'm a SAHM. We're very different in that I like to plan, organise, make lists and see things get done. He's much more laid back.

There's been a bunch of things that have been needing doing for a year or more. The washing machine needs replacing (leaks each time I use it). Dish washer is broken and just sits there for my toddler to climb in and out of. The cordless hoover doesn't work and the corded one is too heavy for me to drag around the house (I have some back issues and I'm pregnant).

Yesterday I printed out some information regarding one of the toddler- we've been having trouble with her food and sleep, and only recently have things improved. So I want to make sure things continue improving. I just typed up stuff about her meals, nap schedule, sleeping routine, milk etc. This is for when I go into labour, and also for the days immediately after while I'm looking after our newborn.

He was not only very dismissive, but seemed to suggest I spent too long discussing the kids and the house snd what we need for the house. And really we should only need 30mins a week to discuss such things. Also that he doesn't enjoy his time with me anymore because I'm talking about these things with him all the time.

It's really upset me. For years I've pleaded with him to make more time for me- arrange a lunch date at a café he knows I like. I keep dropping hints about places I'd like to visit (I'm talking mundane stuff like antique mills, markets, IKEA(!)), but he never does take the hint and the only time we have together without the kids is an hour at most in the evening.

It seems unfair of him, but his comments have also got me questioning myself. I used to have a rich life before I married and started a family. Now my husband just sees me as a boring old nag. AIBU for feeling this way?

OP posts:
Windingdownsoon345 · 04/02/2025 12:58

UncharteredWaters · 04/02/2025 12:50

First conversation - arrange the family finances so I have access and don’t have to bore you with the arrangements for replacing stufff.

second conversation - yes I need more outside time so I don’t only have kids and house to talk about. I’ll be taking x time on x day from now on. You don’t need to bore me with your arrangements for the kids for that time.

Third conversation - when do you want to go to x and y place together so our marriage doesn’t become a bore.

most importantly access the family finances or you’re screwed.

👏👏👏

I think this post says it all!

MounjaroOnMyMind · 04/02/2025 12:59

It's outrageous that you don't have access to family finances. That's abusive in itself.

These items affect your daily life. What does he say when you tell him you need a new washing machine or dishwasher? You can bet your life that he has the equipment he needs to do his job.

Maybe if the equipment was working you wouldn't need to talk about those things.

LillyPJ · 04/02/2025 12:59

If you're a SAHM, surely you've got more time than he has to order a new dishwasher etc? I know kids take up time, but so does a full time job. Rather than nagging him or dropping hints, just sort some of those things out yourself. Your husband might be pleased not to have to bother with (or talk about) that sort of stuff.

WhisperingTree · 04/02/2025 13:00

The problem I see are you having no access to family money and don't drive in a place that does. You are also isolated from your previous support network. I don't know why you gave up all you have for a man. But that's too late to turn back now.

RisingSunn · 04/02/2025 13:01

I wish there was a somewhere in the middle button.

Even as a mum of 4 myself - there is only so much house/children discussion I can take.

Lentilweaver · 04/02/2025 13:01

LillyPJ · 04/02/2025 12:59

If you're a SAHM, surely you've got more time than he has to order a new dishwasher etc? I know kids take up time, but so does a full time job. Rather than nagging him or dropping hints, just sort some of those things out yourself. Your husband might be pleased not to have to bother with (or talk about) that sort of stuff.

She has no money. He won't pay.

Kingoftheroad · 04/02/2025 13:01

Feel free to reach out to me if you need help or support

PinkyFlamingo · 04/02/2025 13:02

LillyPJ · 04/02/2025 12:59

If you're a SAHM, surely you've got more time than he has to order a new dishwasher etc? I know kids take up time, but so does a full time job. Rather than nagging him or dropping hints, just sort some of those things out yourself. Your husband might be pleased not to have to bother with (or talk about) that sort of stuff.

How does she order a new dishwasher with no access to any money?

Shitgift · 04/02/2025 13:02

He may have stitched himself up like a kipper here...Tell him that he's right you do need to have other things to talk about and so you have decided to broaden your horizons by participating in x hobby that will require expensive equipment and 3x2 hours sessions between 1800 to 2000 on weekdays (i.e. the witching hours) and also a full day at weekends. He presumably won't mind taking over kid duties so you can become his ideal riveting partner.

Lentilweaver · 04/02/2025 13:02

It's not about the dishwasher.

BobbyBiscuits · 04/02/2025 13:02

I'd say not many folks would consider IKEA a fun and relaxing day out!
I hope you can find a way to have a healthy balance. If you went to a film and then a meal, you'd be discussing the movie rather than home type stuff, so surely it's a win win?

Lentilweaver · 04/02/2025 13:03

Talk about missing the point. OP is being abused. Read her post carefully.

Snorandrepeat · 04/02/2025 13:05

Strictlymad · 04/02/2025 12:18

Are you ok op? You say you have no access to finances and you don’t drive and find it hard to go out with young kids, are they in school/nursery? Are there any local mum group you could join? You sound very isolated

This . Are you in UK ?

TerroristToddler · 04/02/2025 13:05

Whilst not ultimately very helpful advice for immediate term given you're pregnant again ... my overriding feeling reading this thread is that as soon as you can I would get back to work. It's imperative that you have your own financial independence.

This is so much a bigger issue than your husband not wanting to talk about the kids. You have no money. You don't drive. You don't go out. It's all completely horrific tbh.

Get back to work asap. Use funded hours childcare. Get your own money and regain your independence. Being a sham puts you in a vulnerable position and this scenario has hallmarks of it being controlling.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/02/2025 13:06

GCAcademic · 04/02/2025 12:27

And then using the fact that her world is small (because of his abusive behaviour) as a stick to beat her with. Gaslighting bastard.

Show quote history

Exactly this. It sounds as if he wants to keep you bare foot and pregnant.

A leaking washing machine is also potentially dangerous, especially if things like electrics are not maintained in the house. Is he waiting for you to electrocute yourself or your kids?

Cailin66 · 04/02/2025 13:06

Adana22 · 04/02/2025 12:01

I don't have access to family finances- otherwise I'd replace the broken appliances myself.

Yes my world I small now. I had a very active social life and successful career before I married. But moved to this new city and have always struggled to settle here. Don't know many people here, and my family are in another city.

We don't go out to cafés. We barely go out together at all. That's his choosing. I don't drive and leaving the house alone with young children is hard.

You are financially abused and trapped. What kind of husband leaves his pregnant wife and three young children with no dishwasher and a faulty washing machine. What does this pillar of a man bring to your table?

SwordToFlamethrower · 04/02/2025 13:06

You're talking about your working day, your life! Your life is home and kids!

He sounds like a miserable shit who doesn't appreciate you.

If he wants you to have different things to talk about, here's a shocking suggestion - he organises some exciting experiences for you! Then you can have other things to talk about!!!

Besides that though, you're a partnership and its his job to be involved in home and kids. The home and kids he helped make with you

BobbiJo · 04/02/2025 13:07

Lentilweaver · 04/02/2025 13:03

Talk about missing the point. OP is being abused. Read her post carefully.

100% agree.

I wouldn't tolerate living this fashion for a day, let alone years.

I hope OP has an avenue to escape tbh.

Not having money
No car
No friends / family around
And abusive shit heap of man determined to keep her down.

FUCK THAT.
If it's safe to do so, get the hell out of there OP.

2boyzNosleep · 04/02/2025 13:07

So your dishwasher and hoover are broken. Your washing machine leaks. So basically, your having to spend even more time cleaning.

You have no access to FAMILY finances.

You have 3 young children, soon to be 4. You don't drive, so you don't get out much. Let me guess, you probably live quite far away from the nearest town.

Kindly, in this situation, why are you having a 4th child? If he really wanted another I do feel that it's a way of controlling you, so you can't work as there's another baby and childcare for 4 children is extortionate.

Since becoming a SAHM you've lost your social circle. That can be completely normal by itself, but with everything else you've mentioned its actually very worringing about how isolated you are.

Also, whose going to look after children children when you have baby 4? Because I'd be worried that he can't manage if he can't be bothered to read the timetable you made (or even that you had to print one!). Does he even do anything for/with the kids when he's home?

Porcuporpoise · 04/02/2025 13:08

You don't have access to family finances? And you are a SAHM with multiple children? And your husband is starting to complain that you dull company?

Your situation is very precarious indeed. I'd forget about being sparkling company and think about how you can get yourself out of this mess.

jolota · 04/02/2025 13:08

Adana22 · 04/02/2025 12:01

I don't have access to family finances- otherwise I'd replace the broken appliances myself.

Yes my world I small now. I had a very active social life and successful career before I married. But moved to this new city and have always struggled to settle here. Don't know many people here, and my family are in another city.

We don't go out to cafés. We barely go out together at all. That's his choosing. I don't drive and leaving the house alone with young children is hard.

If he's acting in good faith - ie you guys are struggling to find connection outside of your family/home life and he's drawing attention to that in attempts to improve the relationship then I think this is a valid thing for him to say but only if he's making effort and you're the one not managing to keep the conversation on other topics during quality time together and you genuinely do have other time set aside to discuss necessary logistics.
But this sounds more like he sees the children/household as your problem and just doesn't want to hear about it or have to deal with it at all.
It sounds like you're in a very isolated situation with little control over your own life.
This doesn't sound like a happy or healthy relationship to be in.

CaroIus · 04/02/2025 13:09

So he wants a mute brood mare?

MounjaroOnMyMind · 04/02/2025 13:10

I agree with @jolota - I can understand any spouse getting fed up of a one-track conversation, no matter what that's about, but if he's knowingly moved you away from friends, expected you to have a big family and then not given you the tools to make that work for you, then it's a completely different matter. This isn't a case of us recommending you follow the news or watch a series together.

SwordToFlamethrower · 04/02/2025 13:10

If you're running the home, you should be managing the finances and that includes having access.

If you aren't, then you're a slave worker. You need to wake up to this, you've lost your freedom and autonomy.

Think about when this happened. You've gone from successful and independent to a house maid. Change must happen

OwlInTheOak · 04/02/2025 13:12

Order a new washing machine - when you do make sure you don't overload it. That can be tempting with a big family but will lead to a new one leaking too from drum damage.
If need be do it via a repayment plan or credit card. The flooring under the washing machine will likely need replacing in due course too as it's probably full of mould underneath from the leak.

Then start trying to put aside a manageable amount each month for a new dishwasher. Withdraw it as cash and put it aside if that's easier.

For the days out again I wouldn't hint, say to him "is it OK if we go here on Saturday or did you have something else you were thinking of doing?"

Regarding the schedule, if you're a SAHM he presumably doesn't have them alone much, so probably doesn't need to read the whole thing. I'd try to condense it and focus on any parts relevant to him (eg. After bathtime each day can you watch the other DC for half an hour whilst I read to and settle toddler). Will probably take 5 minutes max to cover so well within the half hour he's happy with.