DH says he can't enjoy his time with me because I'm spend so much time talking about the kids and home

[Adana22]

We have 3 kids. I'm a SAHM. We're very different in that I like to plan, organise, make lists and see things get done. He's much more laid back.

There's been a bunch of things that have been needing doing for a year or more. The washing machine needs replacing (leaks each time I use it). Dish washer is broken and just sits there for my toddler to climb in and out of. The cordless hoover doesn't work and the corded one is too heavy for me to drag around the house (I have some back issues and I'm pregnant).

Yesterday I printed out some information regarding one of the toddler- we've been having trouble with her food and sleep, and only recently have things improved. So I want to make sure things continue improving. I just typed up stuff about her meals, nap schedule, sleeping routine, milk etc. This is for when I go into labour, and also for the days immediately after while I'm looking after our newborn.

He was not only very dismissive, but seemed to suggest I spent too long discussing the kids and the house snd what we need for the house. And really we should only need 30mins a week to discuss such things. Also that he doesn't enjoy his time with me anymore because I'm talking about these things with him all the time.

It's really upset me. For years I've pleaded with him to make more time for me- arrange a lunch date at a café he knows I like. I keep dropping hints about places I'd like to visit (I'm talking mundane stuff like antique mills, markets, IKEA(!)), but he never does take the hint and the only time we have together without the kids is an hour at most in the evening.

It seems unfair of him, but his comments have also got me questioning myself. I used to have a rich life before I married and started a family. Now my husband just sees me as a boring old nag. AIBU for feeling this way?

I don't have access to family finances

Why?

This reminds me of that Jerry Hall quote about 'keeping a man': you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom.

The entitlement is astounding really - you can't have a SAH wife, three (soon to be four) kids and not expect to talk about them or have to deal with or discuss life admin.

However, if that's all you have to discuss now (and I'm not saying it is), then your relationship is going to suffer - that's a fact. Hints dont work, why dont you make the plans, tell him where you want to go and invite him, but veto discussions about kids, house, life admin.

If that. I’ve seen some shockers on here where the women don’t even have access to that.

@RedSkyDelights I think in year 10 & year 11, someone should go into schools to teach girls how not to be trapped and vulnerable in a relationship. Everyday on Mumsnet there are similar posts of women finding and placing themselves in precarious situations .

He really did a number on you @Adana22
Keep you barefoot, pregnant, penniless and isolated and then you need him for everything and he gets to tell you the tiny world he has boxed you into is boring the big important breadwinner!
You need immediate access to family money to be able to fix appliances and buy things for yourself. Sort out some cast iron contraception and start planning to get a job as soon as you can manage it as the children get a bit older. Do you have the child benefit paid to you? Do you have a pension and savings in your name?

Jesus, just seen your update - he is reducing, bit by bit. The frequent impregnation, the financial abuse, the isolation and then having the audacity to imply you bore him! This is abuse.

You do sound a bit boring. I only skim read about nap schedules or something. It's hard being a SAHM because life probably is very boring and repetitive so you don't have much else to go on but do you read watch movies or listen to pod casts? Talk about that instead? I can see from both sides. He'd be boring if he stayed at home all the time too. You should get some expensive hobbies and go out more and make him pay with those finances he doesn't seem to want to share!!

This man has you completely locked down and under his control. You sacrificed your previously rich life to provide him with children and a home so that he can have his career and his life and you get nothing in return.

your hoover is the least of your problems.....

First conversation - arrange the family finances so I have access and don’t have to bore you with the arrangements for replacing stufff.

second conversation - yes I need more outside time so I don’t only have kids and house to talk about. I’ll be taking x time on x day from now on. You don’t need to bore me with your arrangements for the kids for that time.

Third conversation - when do you want to go to x and y place together so our marriage doesn’t become a bore.

most importantly access the family finances or you’re screwed.

This is really sad and no way to live. You are literally trapped as a baby making machine and house keeper / nanny!
Does he never have the kids at weekend or on his days off so you can do activities without the kids? I feel like something has gone quite wrong if you have to write instructions for a father on how to care for his own children while you're not there!

Red flag about the finances!! Tell him you need access to money or else you’ll have to go back to work full-time and he will need to pay 50% of childcare.

You live in a city. Take your kids out on a bus trip somewhere. Get out of the house. Honestly I think I would go mad if I was a SAHM and didn’t go out. I don’t drive either but I visit local parks, museums, soft plays. Maybe you can meet some local mum friends if there are any play groups near you?

You are not being unreasonable and I suspect you’re being manipulated and gaslit here, sorry.

I know! That's why I am asking if he wanted another baby as it could be to trap her even more so I'm not entirely sure why you are telling me to "give over".

I'm getting weird vibes here

He's got his claws in you...
You've had kids with him, he doesn't give access to finances, he doesn't take you places and moans about you... to you.

Leave as soon as you can.

This isn't going to get better, in fact, I'd wager, it'll get worse and worse and worse.

You'll nag and nag, nothing will change. He has you, he thinks that you can't leave.

I wouldn't be surprised if he has lots of out of the house activities like hobbies, pub visits, bicycling, fishing, football etc. whilst you can't go places because you have to look after the kids. You can't work because kids. You can't have friends because kids.

Have you moved far away from your family? You say different cities, is it far?
Wouldn't shock me that you have..
he probably dressed up like a good idea at the time. His promotion, his new job, nearer to his 'life'
Etc

Edit: wrong thread!!

OP what does he give you as his reason for having no access to money?

And what topics of interest is he bringing to the table or how is he adding enrichment to your relationship. I would hope his interactions are stimulating and amusing at all times but I doubt it. You need to sort out the finances OP, it's shocking and abusive that you have no access to funds.

This. I ended up severely anaemic in my teens due to this issue.

I have a totally different take on this to most of the replies. I wouldn’t be putting up with any more of his shit. If he wants a more exciting life then I’d tell him to go and get it. Wouldn’t be long until he’s crying for hos wife and family.

demand immediate access to finances - its a partnership not a dictatorship.

After baby is born take driving lessons he can look after his children

no husband of any worth would say those things to his wife he should be supporting you

get tough sweetheart and good luck with the baby

I don't have access to family finances-

how many times...

Oops ignore my previous post, responded on wrong thread and on phone so can't edit.

I don't think it's a red flag, he's just telling you it's boring and he prefers you don't talk about it all the time. I will do the same if DH talks too long about his work. It's ok if he talks a bit about it, but it gets too much if that's all he talks about.

There's a few things here. his 30 minutes is laughable... my husband and I spend 30 mins a week just planning our weekly meals! I'd let him know that HE can schedule two 45 mins sessions a week and come up with an agenda eg house stuff, children stuff, general life admin. It might not be enough time but it will at least compartmentalise those discussions which will stop you feeling like a nag and it will mean you can have time chatting about other stuff. To be clear, I think he's a d*head for his attitude but I would call his bluff - he can take charge of scheduling and leading these discussions.

Secondly, it sounds like he does not want to take responsibility for his soon to be FOUR children. I'd have some serious discussions with him about the mental load and what you need from him. This would include access to the family finances so you can for example, arrange a new dishwasher if you want to. It's weird that you have no access to money!

Thirdly, you sound trapped. Not driving and not feeling able to leave the house sounds awful and your world has now become your house... which is probably why you talk about it a lot (it's not that you are actually boring). Make some plans for your husband to do his fair share of caring for HIS children so you can leave the house and have some you time. Also please learn to drive - this would really open up your life.

Fourthly, I would say to him that you your cup is full and you would like him to take some initiative re: ensuring that you have quality time just the two of you. Maybe you could start by each arranging a date night once a month (start small!) and he should kick it off.

Tbh I think he sounds quite awful and not supportive but don't want to be part of the LTB brigade without trying to improve things. Just make sure you don't feel that you need to improve things single handedly.