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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH says he can't enjoy his time with me because I'm spend so much time talking about the kids and home

275 replies

Adana22 · 04/02/2025 11:21

We have 3 kids. I'm a SAHM. We're very different in that I like to plan, organise, make lists and see things get done. He's much more laid back.

There's been a bunch of things that have been needing doing for a year or more. The washing machine needs replacing (leaks each time I use it). Dish washer is broken and just sits there for my toddler to climb in and out of. The cordless hoover doesn't work and the corded one is too heavy for me to drag around the house (I have some back issues and I'm pregnant).

Yesterday I printed out some information regarding one of the toddler- we've been having trouble with her food and sleep, and only recently have things improved. So I want to make sure things continue improving. I just typed up stuff about her meals, nap schedule, sleeping routine, milk etc. This is for when I go into labour, and also for the days immediately after while I'm looking after our newborn.

He was not only very dismissive, but seemed to suggest I spent too long discussing the kids and the house snd what we need for the house. And really we should only need 30mins a week to discuss such things. Also that he doesn't enjoy his time with me anymore because I'm talking about these things with him all the time.

It's really upset me. For years I've pleaded with him to make more time for me- arrange a lunch date at a café he knows I like. I keep dropping hints about places I'd like to visit (I'm talking mundane stuff like antique mills, markets, IKEA(!)), but he never does take the hint and the only time we have together without the kids is an hour at most in the evening.

It seems unfair of him, but his comments have also got me questioning myself. I used to have a rich life before I married and started a family. Now my husband just sees me as a boring old nag. AIBU for feeling this way?

OP posts:
MsGoodenough · 04/02/2025 18:39

This. Next midwife appt tell her what you've said here. Show her the thread if you can't say it. I think you need external eyes to see how you are being abused.

PonyPatter44 · 04/02/2025 18:40

He has custody of his children from his previous relationship? So there's another poor woman out there that he screwed over, isn't there? Are you religious? Is there a religious leader you could ask for advice, or would that make it worse?

Oh OP, you've sleepwalked into this terrible man's clutches, but you don't have to stay there. If you contact a womens charity, they can help you to leave. There are several organisations that work with ethnic minority women, and who understand the particular cultural concerns involved.

How would you feel if he said a religious divorce, kicked you out of the house and kept your babies? Don't risk this happening to you.

WingingItSince1973 · 04/02/2025 18:49

This post makes me want to cry. OP he's really done a number on you. Please take the advice people on here have given you. Sending much love xxx

Imisschampagne · 04/02/2025 18:51

Hope OP reads this and realizes what’s going on. She’s probably in the fog - abusers like this chip away your self confidence, isolate you and make you dependent - @Adana22 please look into this information https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-is-economic-abuse/ and follow the other resources somebody posted.

You need to know what’s happening to you in order to protect yourself and your children. You don’t deserve this.

What is economic abuse? - Surviving Economic Abuse

Economic abuse is a legally recognised form of domestic abuse. It involves the control of money and finances, and things that money can buy.

https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-is-economic-abuse

Greywarden · 04/02/2025 18:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Ddakji · 04/02/2025 19:07

Adana22 · 04/02/2025 17:48

Thanks to everyone for responding. I'm reluctant to provide too much information for the fear of being identified, but also judged.

We share only the toddler. The first 2 children are his from a previous marriage. They don't need picking up and dropping off from school. I'm reluctant to drive because (1) I can't fund it (2) I suspect I will be expected to drive the older children to and from friends, hobbies, and when they visit their mum (my DH is the resident parent), which I don't want to do.

I had access to my savings when we married which are now depleted. Then I had some money coming in now and again from a tax refund, and stuff I've sold online. I don't have access to the money he earns, and we've never had a joint account. I know I'll get berated for this, but I don't receive the child benefit, and our marriage isn't legally registered in the UK. I know this was stupid. I held out hope that he'd agree to a legal marriage eventually, but he's become adament he doesn't want one now.I do the online shop on my phone, then give him my phone so he can enter his bank details to pay. He never saves the details on the app so I have to ask him each time. This has never sat right with me. I always wondered if he doesn't trust me. But I've never bought it up. If I need anything else for the house, I ask him once. If he doesn't buy it, I try and scrape money together to get it myself if I can. I had a large collection of jewellery before I married, and I've been selling pieces of that as and when I need to.

I don't know if I'm being financially abused. I think I just married someone who wanted to control family finances entirely, perhaps is a bit of a miser, and has very different values to me. I think it's more a case of us being incompatible with our values and outlook on life?The stupid thing is, the thing that upsets me is that my DH thinks I am boring. I've realised how much my world has shrunk when I married him. I barely recognise myself now. At the moment, it's this realisation that is bothering me the most. It's quite pathetic.

Edited

Oh my love. I’m so sorry. He is absolutely abusing and the fact that he doesn’t want your marriage legally recognised in this country just adds to that abuse.

Are you British? Do you have a different heritage? I wonder if you need to get some support specifically if that’s the case. Southall Black Sisters perhaps? But I would get in touch with Women’s Aid.

Where are your family in all this? Doe they know what’s going on?

Ddakji · 04/02/2025 19:08

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

JFC, read the thread!!!

Bubblyb00b · 04/02/2025 19:09

OP, are you not from UK? Do you have any family here? What kind of "marriage" did you have?

You are being abused and treated awfully. I dont know if its a cultural thing or you have been brainwashed by him (or both) - you dont seem to see it - but you cant go on like this. You had to use your savings and sell your jewellery??? WTF???

Coolasfeck · 04/02/2025 19:10

I’ll be honest and say I saw your first post @Adana22 and was coming on to say that maybe you were a bit boring if this is all you talk about and how your world sounds very small.

However, I read your updates and I’m sorry but you’re being abused. He’s even got you raising your step kids. What happened with the first wife?

Is there a big age difference between yourself and DH?

DdraigGoch · 04/02/2025 19:18

It's really upset me. For years I've pleaded with him to make more time for me- arrange a lunch date at a café he knows I like. I keep dropping hints about places I'd like to visit (I'm talking mundane stuff like antique mills, markets, IKEA(!)), but he never does take the hint and the only time we have together without the kids is an hour at most in the evening.
Why do you need to "hint"? You're an adult, if you want something ask for it. Why do you need him to arrange it? Obviously it's nice if he arranges some (preferably half) of the dates but why can't you say "let's go out for lunch today" and start the ball rolling? Even if you can't afford a cafe, you could put together a picnic when the weather improves and eat out in a park.

MixedFamily · 04/02/2025 19:25

Doesn’t want a legal marriage in the UK, controls all finances and denies you access to any source of money, refuses to buy broken appliances, makes you look after his DCs, tells you how boring you are for being concerned about family and home stuff, you have to sell your gold to scrap some money together to get by…
OP. Do you not see it?

Greywarden · 04/02/2025 19:31

Ddakji · 04/02/2025 19:08

JFC, read the thread!!!

Yep my bad, only realised the extent of my failure too late.

LittleBigHead · 04/02/2025 19:34

I don't know if I'm being financially abused. I think I just married someone who wanted to control family finances entirely,

You’re NOT married. If he were to kick you out you would have no right to anything except maintenance for your children.

You ARE being abused.

It is shocking that a young woman in 2025 is so helpless. And even more shocking that this nasty man is enabled to abuse you.

Is he much older than you? How did he inveigle you into such an abusive relationship? And why did you agree to have DC with him without the protection of legal UK marriage?

LittleBigHead · 04/02/2025 19:35

MixedFamily · 04/02/2025 19:25

Doesn’t want a legal marriage in the UK, controls all finances and denies you access to any source of money, refuses to buy broken appliances, makes you look after his DCs, tells you how boring you are for being concerned about family and home stuff, you have to sell your gold to scrap some money together to get by…
OP. Do you not see it?

This.

PeriPeriMam · 04/02/2025 19:40

Adana22 · 04/02/2025 17:48

Thanks to everyone for responding. I'm reluctant to provide too much information for the fear of being identified, but also judged.

We share only the toddler. The first 2 children are his from a previous marriage. They don't need picking up and dropping off from school. I'm reluctant to drive because (1) I can't fund it (2) I suspect I will be expected to drive the older children to and from friends, hobbies, and when they visit their mum (my DH is the resident parent), which I don't want to do.

I had access to my savings when we married which are now depleted. Then I had some money coming in now and again from a tax refund, and stuff I've sold online. I don't have access to the money he earns, and we've never had a joint account. I know I'll get berated for this, but I don't receive the child benefit, and our marriage isn't legally registered in the UK. I know this was stupid. I held out hope that he'd agree to a legal marriage eventually, but he's become adament he doesn't want one now.I do the online shop on my phone, then give him my phone so he can enter his bank details to pay. He never saves the details on the app so I have to ask him each time. This has never sat right with me. I always wondered if he doesn't trust me. But I've never bought it up. If I need anything else for the house, I ask him once. If he doesn't buy it, I try and scrape money together to get it myself if I can. I had a large collection of jewellery before I married, and I've been selling pieces of that as and when I need to.

I don't know if I'm being financially abused. I think I just married someone who wanted to control family finances entirely, perhaps is a bit of a miser, and has very different values to me. I think it's more a case of us being incompatible with our values and outlook on life?The stupid thing is, the thing that upsets me is that my DH thinks I am boring. I've realised how much my world has shrunk when I married him. I barely recognise myself now. At the moment, it's this realisation that is bothering me the most. It's quite pathetic.

Edited

You really need some real world help. You are being heavily controlled.

Elleherd · 04/02/2025 19:45

Hi, I'm older than you and have lived that life you're living now, and can tell you from my own experience (complete with older stepchildren) that this stinks of you absolutely being used and abused.

You have become a part of his life plans, not entered a partnership with him.

It was normal in my day, girls like me held no value and had no real rights. People saw us as usable, expendable, and why shouldn't a man take advantage of us, if we knew no better. Things have changed, it doesn't have to be like this for you, or your children.

Never mind how you got here, mind how you get a better deal, or better still out, whichever you really want for your future, but it sounds very like it should be out.

This guy is keeping you on a very tight financial leash for a reason. You are useful but not in a partnership. You have few enforceable legal rights. You're there to serve a purpose for him.
Sorry that sounds horrible, but honestly your posts drip with what your place in all this is, and it is not a good place. Your current and future life is so vulnerable and you need to future proof your rights as a parent.

Ignore random fools who judge you, it's an anonymous forum, and you need help.
Ignore those who condescendingly ask why did you do xyz, or how could you be in this situation. It doesn't matter, it's done. What can you do about it and the position you're in is what matters now.

I suspect your marriage is not registered here because it's a religious one that isn't recognized here. If so you're in bigger problems, and ideally need to contact a women's organization that represents your culture/religion. Google is your friend, but starting with your midwife knowing more would be a very good call.

It never crossed my (very young) mind that the mothers of my step children might also have been abused and that's how he had their children in 'his care.' But that's what was actually going on. Could it be with yours?

Getting and keeping me pregnant ensured he had free full time care for them, a young housekeeper, step-mother, sex on tap, and and didn't have to pay support to their mothers.
My labor was always a cheaper option than repair or replacement of appliances. Am I projecting or is this what may be happening to you?

You are being financially controlled, and without child benefit you have no NI contributions to your name. This is going to bite you later, especially when you're older.
I'm so sorry, but please listen to the people who can see the mess this relationship is and think very hard about it, because it's very unlikely this man will want you further down the line if you start demanding financial equality, and he's already 'taken possession' of two of his children, and replaced their carer easily enough, hasn't he? You could easily be next.

mathanxiety · 04/02/2025 20:25

Women's Aid
0808 2000 247

Muslim Women Network search.app/hML9gFKxiMGVJ6JB9
Muslim Women's Network Helpline in case this is appropriate.

LittleBigHead · 04/02/2025 20:25

👏👏@Elleherd

Please seek real world advice and support @Adana22 - your midwife and Women’s Aid.

ZippyPeer · 04/02/2025 20:48

Adana22 · 04/02/2025 17:48

Thanks to everyone for responding. I'm reluctant to provide too much information for the fear of being identified, but also judged.

We share only the toddler. The first 2 children are his from a previous marriage. They don't need picking up and dropping off from school. I'm reluctant to drive because (1) I can't fund it (2) I suspect I will be expected to drive the older children to and from friends, hobbies, and when they visit their mum (my DH is the resident parent), which I don't want to do.

I had access to my savings when we married which are now depleted. Then I had some money coming in now and again from a tax refund, and stuff I've sold online. I don't have access to the money he earns, and we've never had a joint account. I know I'll get berated for this, but I don't receive the child benefit, and our marriage isn't legally registered in the UK. I know this was stupid. I held out hope that he'd agree to a legal marriage eventually, but he's become adament he doesn't want one now.I do the online shop on my phone, then give him my phone so he can enter his bank details to pay. He never saves the details on the app so I have to ask him each time. This has never sat right with me. I always wondered if he doesn't trust me. But I've never bought it up. If I need anything else for the house, I ask him once. If he doesn't buy it, I try and scrape money together to get it myself if I can. I had a large collection of jewellery before I married, and I've been selling pieces of that as and when I need to.

I don't know if I'm being financially abused. I think I just married someone who wanted to control family finances entirely, perhaps is a bit of a miser, and has very different values to me. I think it's more a case of us being incompatible with our values and outlook on life?The stupid thing is, the thing that upsets me is that my DH thinks I am boring. I've realised how much my world has shrunk when I married him. I barely recognise myself now. At the moment, it's this realisation that is bothering me the most. It's quite pathetic.

Edited

I'm really sorry. This isn't a values thing, this is financial abuse. He is not treating you like an equal, or worthy of respect, not even close. It's unacceptable :(

Hiccupsandteacups · 04/02/2025 21:06

OP please do tell us what country or culture you are from so you can get the best help from this thread

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 04/02/2025 21:39

OP lots of good resources have been shared with you.

Do confide in your midwife. She is there to help you and your baby, and you and your children will only be supported. Please don’t be afraid that you will be judged or thought of as anything other than a good mum.

I hope you can start to digest the reality of the abusive situation you are in and start to make a plan to get out. Keep checking in with your thread if you can, there are people here who can provide moral support and advice, and lots of women in similar circumstances seem to find it helpful to come back to their thread as their thinking and plans develop.

Normallynumb · 04/02/2025 22:48

Oh OP I'm sorry you're in such an awful situation
Financial abuse is withholding access to money which is what he's doing
I would bet he's deliberately keeping your world small as a way to control you, sapping your self worth and confidence
Please do confide in your midwife
Do not feel embarrassed, the shame is his
Do contact womens aid for advice and support
I know there is an organisation for your religion too.

LittleBigHead · 05/02/2025 03:17

mathanxiety · 04/02/2025 20:25

Women's Aid
0808 2000 247

Muslim Women Network search.app/hML9gFKxiMGVJ6JB9
Muslim Women's Network Helpline in case this is appropriate.

Just requoting this so @Adana22 sees it.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/02/2025 08:50

Not a single person would judge you in this op. They would want to help you and your children. They would absolutely judge your abuser though. Please get out for your children's sake.

godmum56 · 05/02/2025 09:05

Greywarden · 04/02/2025 19:31

Yep my bad, only realised the extent of my failure too late.

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